-Chapter 7-
My anger for Brock quickly resided, and I returned to the feeling of sympathy I had for him, feeling bad that I was even mad at him in the first place. I hate that I get that way sometimes. When I think of John, I'm always reminded of those feelings of wanting Brock to save me, and the disappointment of him never showing up. It's not like he could have known, though. But still, he should have been there. In fact, it was Brock's fault I was there in the first place. Finding out he had cheated on me was enough to send me over the edge. He was my everything. He was my rock. So feeling like I wasn't good enough for him, and knowing he had left me for someone half my age, definitely made me feel like I was useless. I can't really describe the feeling… All I know is that because of it, I wanted to do something stupid. I needed to. I lost myself, to say the least. And it was all Brock's fault.
Oh, who am I kidding? It was all my fault.
Brock called the next day to apologize again, and dropped by my house later to ask if he could see the kids that weekend, considering he kind of screwed up last time. I agreed, and we small talked for a few minutes. I was really starting to enjoy talking to him without Barbra Jean there. There was less tension. Sure, we still butted heads, but it reminded me of old times, and that always made me smile.
But our carefree moment didn't last for long. The week went on, and turned out even more stressful than usual, despite my good start. I spent my time cleaning up after a house full of kids, babysitting Elizabeth, and stressing over work constantly. At some points, it seemed like too much to handle.
Friday came around, and I was ready for my weekend off. Brock was getting the kids at 6, but Van, Cheyenne, and Elizabeth had already driven over there. The house was quiet without them, as you can imagine. I was on the couch, drifting off to sleep, when I heard the front door slam shut. I jolted up to find Kyra standing in the door way.
"What was that for?" I asked, my voice sleepy.
"I just had a bad day, okay?" She responded, her attitude stinging in her voice.
"Well, that's no reason to slam the door. The glass could break, honey."
"It's not like we can't afford to replace it." There's one thing I won't tolerate, and that's my children being spoiled brats. Kyra has really picked up that habit, especially since the divorce. Before me and Brock split, she was an angel. But now, she's so dark and sad…It kills me to see her like that. I always thought it was just her hormones, but deep down I know there's more to it.
"You better drop the attitude. I understand you had a bad day, but that's no excuse to be a brat." I tried to hide my attitude so she couldn't say she got it from me, even though she probably did.
"I'm not being a brat mom! Can't you understand I've had a hard week?" She hasn't spoken a word about what happened Friday, and I realized she's probably more hurt by it than she's showing, another trait she got from me.
"Kyra, baby, is this about Friday?" My mood softened.
"No mom, it's not." She said quietly, her attitude still visible.
"Listen, just don't be mad at your dad, okay? He's really trying-''
"Don't be mad at dad?!" She let out a laugh that sent daggers through my heart. "Are you serious right now, mom?"
"Yes I'm serious…" I wasn't exactly sure why she was mad.
"Mom, I'm not mad at dad, as much as you'd love for me to be." I couldn't make sense of what she was talking about.
"I would never want you mad at your father-''
"I'm sure you love it that he's going through so much misery, don't you? You're always so mean, and you act like you hate him half the time. I'm sure you feel like he deserves this!" Her voice was rising, and I was speechless. That wasn't right at all. Sure, Brock and I make rude comments back and forth, but they're always followed by a laugh. It's never too serious, and if it is, we don't do it around the kids. Plus, I hate seeing Brock like this. Why would she think otherwise? "Well honestly mom, he doesn't. If anyone does, it's you! If it wasn't for you, dad would have never left us! You just had to go and chase him away! God, I hate you!" She threw her bag and ran upstairs, slamming her bedroom door shut behind her. It was then that I realized how long she's been holding those feelings in. All it took was a bad day, and she just exploded.
I sat on the couch, stunned. My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I spend all of my life trying to let my children know how much I love them, and yes, even their father. And then she says that to me? What did I do to deserve this? And how did I 'chase him away'? Those words hurt the worst. Tears began falling down my face as I let them sink in. It was the first time I've cried in ages, and I forgot how relieving it felt. I held my face in the pillow and sobbed. I should have gone up and checked on Kyra, but I know she doesn't want to see me. She hates me. My daughter, who I love more than anything, hates me. Eventually I closed my tear-soaked eyes, and drifted into a deep, guilt-filled sleep. Who knew a 2 hour nap could take me so far away from the world? I wasn't dreaming, wasn't thinking. I was simply...gone. I felt nothing, until a warm, calloused hand cupped the side of my face. I could hear words, but it took me a while to realize what they were saying.
"Reba, wake up. Are you okay?'' I opened my eyes, and my head felt heavy after being brought back to reality so quickly. Brock was sitting on the edge of the couch looking down at me. He quickly moved his hand when I saw him, but continued to stare at me with the same concerned look. "I've been trying to get you up forever. Are you okay?" He repeated.
I sat up slowly, trying to ease the pain in my head. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Have you been crying?" The look on his face made me miss the feeling of knowing someone cared about me.
"Just a hard day. I'm okay, really.'' I forced a smile, but Brock knows me better than that.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head right as Jake and Kyra came down the stairs, their packed bags in both of their arms. I stood up to say goodbye, but noticed how the look on Brock's face never left as he watched me walk to them. Man, I can't hide anything from him.
"Bye, baby. Text me before you go to bed." I said, hugging Jake. I knew I'd see him in a couple days, but it still killed me to watch my little man go. I turned to Kyra, who wouldn't make eye contact with me. "You too." I said. I tried to hug her, but she walked right past me and headed out the door.
"I'll be in the car, dad." She said. My heart broke into even more pieces. Brock noticed.
"Jake, buddy, go out with your sister. I need to have a few words with your mother." He said. Jake hugged me one more time, making my troubles seem so much smaller. He's one of the only two men who have that effect on me. He Gets That From Me flashed through my mind.
Brock looked at me with a look I hadn't seen in years. That kind of look that says 'pour your heart out to me, I want to help you'. I've been under so much stress recently, and have wanted nothing more than someone to pour my heart out to. Someone to understand. Someone to hold me, and allow me to be weak, if only for a second, and reassure me they'll be strong for me. Just like Brock used to do. But, I couldn't accept that from Brock, and I honestly doubt he was offering it. It's just his eyes…They got me every time. I couldn't control the tears as they started to fall down my face. As soon as Brock saw them, he rushed forward to hug me, but stopped himself, waiting for my approval. I opened my arms, and he continued towards me, holding my sobbing face against his chest.
"Hey, it's alright." He said in that voice that, even after all these years, he only uses for me. It made me cry even harder, and he held me tighter.
"She said she hates me. And I believe her. I don't know what I've done wrong." I was sobbing and my face was in his shirt, so I wasn't surprised when he couldn't understand a word I said. He gently pulled me back.
"Huh?" He asked, looking at me and giggling. Brock giggling? Yeah, that's another thing he only does for me. I repeated myself, and he looked down at me with those damn eyes that made me want to start crying all over again.
"Listen, Reba. She's a teenager. She doesn't mean half of the stuff she says anyway. I know she loves you, and you know she does too. She's going to say a lot of stupid stuff. But as parents, we just gotta learn to ignore her." He smiled. "Why did she say that? Did she say anything else?" I could tell him, but decided not to. It wasn't the time. "Well, that's not too bad. Just give her some time, she'll come around."
"Thank you, Brock. I don't mean to be so dramatic; I've just had a hard week."
"I understand. I'm always here if you need to talk." Why did that catch me off guard and make my heart ache?
"Okay, thank you. Have a good weekend. I'll see you later." I said, walking to the door. Too much time with Brock is not what I need. He smiled, said goodbye, and left.
Gosh, why does he do this to me? During those few minutes of talking to him, I felt my worries melt away. I loved the way it felt to be held, and to be able to just…cry. And let it out. I couldn't imagine doing that with anyone else but Brock. But watching him get in his truck and leave reminds me that things like that shouldn't happen, and even if they do, it won't be often. We're divorced, and he cheated on me. I shouldn't allow myself to feel that way around him, and that scares me. Because, what if I need to feel that way? What if I need that security and peace? I can't have it. So how am I going to get by? Sure, I've been doing it for 6 years now. But each year it gets harder and harder to accept he's gone, and I slip further and further away. I can't even remember the last time I was genuinely happy. But just now, with Brock, I was pretty darn close.
So, I spent a little while sitting on the couch, thinking. My thinking turned to reminiscing, and then my reminiscing turned to crying over how things used to be. My heart ached at all that was going on in my life. My children weren't with me (I know it's just a weekend, but it still doesn't feel right.), Kyra thinks I'm the reason her life is ruined, and the only person who could ever make things alright is gone. My crying turned into drinking. Not heavy drinking, but just enough to ease the pain a little.
I was sitting alone in my living room, a total mess, when my phone rang. It was Barbara. We had been friends since I first came to the music business. Getting advice from someone as big as Barbara Mandrell at the time really helped me a lot. Since then we've grown close enough to be sisters. She knows everything about everyone in the industry, and always tells me the secrets no one else is supposed to know. I debated answering, but finally decided to.
"Hello?"
"Hey Reba! How are you doing?" I could tell by the tone in her voice that she needed to tell me something.
"Uh, I'm hanging in there. What's up?"
"Well, I've heard some news. I'm not sure if you want to hear it, though."
"Now you have to tell me, Barbara."
"Okay. Reba, don't get upset or anything, but I've heard some rumors that your label is thinking about dropping you. They have some new, young, stupid acts to take your place. I honestly think its ridicules." She couldn't be serious.
"Where did you hear that?" My voice was shaky, half because of my fear and half because of the alcohol.
"I've heard it everywhere, Reba. I'm surprised no one has told you. You know how news spreads like wildfire in this business." There's no way. After all I've done for that label? They can't just 'drop me' like that! Whatever happened to loyalty? Oh wait, I forgot. There's no loyalty in this business. "Reba, are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I'll make some phone calls tomorrow and find out if it's true, and if not, who's saying it is."
Barbara laughed. "I knew you'd get to the bottom of it, Red! But hey, me and Ken have date night with the girls tonight, so I've got to go. Call me if you need anything, okay? And don't let those rumors get to you. I'm sure that's all they are. I love you!" Oh great. Now her and all of our friends are having 'date night'. They've stopped asking me to join them after years of "I don't have a date." But as long as they're having fun, I'll be okay.
"Love you too." I mumbled. I hung up, threw my phone to the other end of the couch, and watched as my world fell apart. I can't lose this job. I'm sure I could find another label, but would I want to? I've spent my whole career with one label. I can't just move on! But I wasn't going to cry again. Even though Kyra's pain echoed in my ears; and even though Brock's touched lingered on my cheek; and even though all of my friends were out having a good time, and I was alone at home drinking.
And then, like a shark approaching in murky water, those feelings I felt 6 years ago came back to me. Strong enough to know they're there, hidden enough to not know they're intentions, dangerous enough to know to swim the other way, but tempting enough to get a closer look. My thoughts came together, ignited by the wine settling in my stomach. Why sit here sad, confused, and helpless when I could be somewhere else? Somewhere where all of my feelings wash away, and are replaced by a rush of adrenaline strong enough to knock me off my feet? Why sit here alone, when I could be with someone who makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, if only for the night?
Reba, don't do it. I picked up my phone. Reba stop it, you're better than this. I dialed the number. It's not too late to turn back, just hang up! I heard his voice after the 3rd ring. Don't speak, Reba. Run while you can.
"Hey, John. Long time no see." You've gone too far; no turning back now.