Thank you to everyone reading this - and I hope it's ok.
As she watches her daughter pull on her coat ready for the walk to school, Jac considers the conversation she'd had with the teacher the previous day, the conversation which has been continually seeping in to her thoughts but which she tries desperately to push away. But she knows she needs to address it somehow. She wraps her own coat around herself, and grabs her bag and her daughters.
"You ready Miss Millie?" Jac asks with a smile, knowing full well that her daughter has been ready almost from the moment she had woken up. She had almost begged to be taken to school early, tried to persuade her mother that she could go to breakfast club even though no place was booked, she wouldn't be noticed in amongst the other children was Millie's reasoning.
"Ready" Millie answers, and Jac opens the door. The lock too high above her daughter's reach, something that Jac is relieved about though that is something that worries her in equal measure.
As they set out on the path, a familiar route, Jac reaches down to take her daughter's hand, in an attempt to slow the girl's speed, so that their pace is matched at the one chosen by the mother. Jac looks down at her daughter's head.
"Whose you're best friend Mills?" Jac asks gently, thinking of how the teacher had mentioned Millie preferring to play alone and how she made it difficult for her peers to relate to her. She thinks now that Millie has stopped talking about her playmates, stopped suggesting play dates. It strikes Jac that she hasn't had any birthday party invites in many weeks when usually they come fairly regularly; the parties planned well in advance. Her daughter's social schedule had once been packed, and yet now it seemed so very empty and it surprised Jac that she hadn't even realised.
"Does it matter?" Millie answers, her expression sounding grown up, concluded with a far too adult sigh.
"You haven't had friends over in a while" Jac ponders aloud and she hears her daughter sigh again.
"You don't have friends either mama" Millie counters, and Jac frowns at the thought of it, surprised at how quick the response came. She thinks back, trying to remember the last time she had contact with people outside of her work colleagues and Liam, it surprises her that she can't.
"We're talking about you Mills" Jac responds, and Millie looks up at her mother, lips twisted together.
"How come I don't see Uncle Sacha anymore?" It's a question asked innocently, "I used to like Uncle Sacha, he was funny and he gave really good hugs"
"Don't you remember what I told you?" Jac queries, watching as Millie twists her lips together even more, her mind obviously deep in thought as they continue to walk.
"You told me that he and Auntie Mo moved away" Millie tilts her head, "Auntie Mo said I could be one of her bridesmaids 'cos they are my godparents but now I don't see them anymore" there's a sadness in her tone, and Jac remembers the invite that had arrived almost a year ago inviting her to the wedding. She hadn't gone, and as such Millie had missed out on the opportunity to be a bridesmaid, "Did I do something wrong, so they no longer liked me?"
"No darling, they just moved away" it scares Jac how easily the lie comes to her lips. In reality Sacha and Mo did move but only to another house in Holby. Given she too had only moved just outside of the city, it amazed her that she managed to keep a part from them – though again she didn't know why she did, she couldn't remember how it had happened.
"But they didn't go to Heaven, so we could visit" there's such hope in Millie's voice that it makes it all the more harder for Jac.
"I have to work Mills, I can't just go away" she knows it's a stupid excuse. She is owed holiday – a lot of it – but for some reason she doesn't seem to take it.
"I could go on my own" Millie furrows her brow as something comes in to her head, "Auntie Mo once said she'd take me somewhere where daddy could see me, does that mean she knows a way of visiting heaven?" There is an increased level of hope in Millie's tone that startles Jac.
"No baby, I don't know what Mo meant either but you can't visit Heaven" Jac answers, and Millie frowns, her hope suddenly leaving her. She thinks about what her teacher had said about Heaven when asked. She hates the idea that daddy must have been very poorly, or very hurt, to have had to go there – and that doctors like mummy hadn't been able to fix him. Millie thinks that mummy might be able to fix him and that maybe Mo could have helped her find him.
"But I could go see Auntie Mo and Uncle Sacha?" Millie asks, she could ask for Mo's help. Then she could have daddy to look after her because mummy said he would be able too.
"They work really hard like mummy, but maybe one day" Millie nods, to her one day could be tomorrow or the day after, she doesn't see that her mum is using it as an escape clause.
"What about Uncle Elliot, he doesn't work so much now" Jac frowns, she is surprised Millie remembers so many of her old colleagues. It has been almost 3 years since she left Holby and almost 2 that she lost contact with her old friends – beyond Sacha - completely. Millie had been so very little the last time she'd seen them.
"One day Mills" Jac answers quietly, knowing that one day will probably never come. It saddens her, how very isolated she now feels.
"But I have you" Millie says gently with a smile and it strikes Jac that this may be Millie's way of saying that her mother is currently her only friend.
"And I have you" Jac responds, "and Liam" as soon as she says it she regrets it. The way her daughter's face darkens at the mention of the name. But something catches Millie's eye, they are close now to the school.
"That man's watching us" Millie whispers, and Jac turns. She feels her heart hammer in her chest when she sees just who Millie is looking at. She becomes acutely aware of the child tugging at her arm and the pull of her body towards his, like the force of a magnet. She can feel Millie's haste to get away from the person watching, disliking the scrutiny. "Who is he?" she asks, aware of the fact that her mother has frozen.
"Just a friend Mills" that confuses Millie because so much of the conversation before had shown neither of them to have many friends. And yet this man appeared to be one of her mums, and besides they didn't appear to be very friendly, they just stared at each other.
"But" Jac steps in front of her daughter, almost shielding her from view. The way her heart is hammering she is certain each beat should be visible through the material of her top.
"Go in to school baby girl" Jac whispers, dropping her daughter's hand, "I'll see you later Mills ok?"
"Bye mama" Millie whispers in response, for a moment wrapping her arms around her mother, "love you" she adds before she runs in to the school playground. Jac stands rooted to the spot, watching him as he had watched her. He steps closer.
"Jac" there is something about his voice. It is a voice she hears in the dead of night, in her dreams. She struggles to control her breathing which now feels erratic as she watches him. She watches him, watches how his mouth seems to be forming words that she can no longer hear.
"I can't do this" she whispers, somehow choking out words. She isn't sure how she manages to form them but she does and she watches his face change.
"Jac please" he repeats her name, and adds a plea and she struggles so much to resist that but so much is telling her that she must. She cannot do this, there is too much at stake and yet she cannot resist him. The pull of the magnet is too strong.
"Meet me at the Blackbird cafe in half an hour" she isn't sure where the words come from, yet they are out there before she can stop them. She watches as his face changes, and expression of relief she thinks. She isn't sure she'll go, if she can face it but he appears to trust her.
"Thank you, Jac" he whispers before he turns and slips away from her, disappearing from view. She turns to look through the school gates. She spots her daughter and tries to smile, but she is struck by the concerned look on the face of the teaching assistant to whom her daughter talks so intently. She starts to walk away, looking at the spot where he had stood.
"Jac" she hears him saying her name again, though he is nowhere to be seen. Then she sees the flicker of a figure at the spot where he had stood, she whispers his name.
"Jonny"