Chapter 31 : I think it's fly when the girls stop by for the summer. For the summer.

It was an expreience to watch Edward take in all that WalMart had to offer. I thought that after living for over one hundred and nine years, he'd be used to the idea of a super market, but he seemed to take the super portion of the term quite more literally than expected.

"THIS STORE IS SUPER!" Edward danced through the aisles, twirling as he danced. "Look Bella! Look at all the things we can buy!" I could see the tears starting to once again well in his eyes. "So much joy… Are we even worthy?"

"It's just WalMart, Edward," I said, rolling my eyes. "I mean… I guess they have good deals sometimes, but it's not really a big dea-"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH, WOMAN. SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" Edward danced his way infront of me to point an accusitory finger. "You destroy everything happy in this world. You just want my happiness to be sadness, don't you Bella? That explains your unwarrented aggression towards my Newtons, among other things!"

You would think that by this point in time I would have been used to Edward's constant barrage of insults, but this one took the cake. Tears began to pool in my dull factory-made brown eyes. His words hit a spot that only a true bully could conjure.

"I-I-I" I stammered, desperately trying to hold in the tears that fought their way to break free. "I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP!" I sobbed, my tears flowing at full force. I was sexually frustrated, hungry, and tired, considering I hadn't sleep since we had arrived in Elvis's true home.

Edward stared on slightly confused for a minute. He wasn't used to seeing my one dimensional self become so worked up.

"Oh," he walked over to my sobbing form, now a lump on the ground. "Don't cry baby, don't cry!" he comforted, patting me lightly on the back.

"Wut's goin on ova heah?" the Situation strode over to find out what the situation was. "Oh," he stopped short, looing slightly uncomforable at my tear streaked face.

"She's having a moment," Edward explained. "I think it's pregnancy. We have been having lots of crazy, unprotected sex recently you know."

"That's not true!" I cried. "That's the whole problem! EDWARD I WANT TO FUCK! THAT'S ALL I WANT. THAT'S IT. I JUST WANT AN ORGASM! ONE MOMENT IN NIRVANA! THE BIG O! I WANT TO MOMENTARILY FORGET ABOUT BASEBALL!"

"Oh…" The Situation scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Edz… you…" he paused, not sure how to continue then broke Edward away from me into a brug. "Bro… I'm so sorry…" For the moment, his ridiculous accent disappeared. I could only hope it was to show the seriousness of the moment. "You got… a grenade."

I wanted to kick him in his very muscular, well defined shins.

"But bro," he continued before I could work up to shin-kicking, "even if the lady ain't fine… you still gotta provide. It's yo duty as a man to not forget, laundry, gym tan." He fist pumped for emphasis.

"Oh no…" Edward looked horror stricken. "I… I have gone against the code…?" He gasped as the Situation nodded grimly. "Oh… oh dear… oh no… I… oh no…"

I stood up from my sobbing lump position, with a renewed vigor. Someone's momma taught him well. The overly gelled, tanned, and muscled man who seemed to be doing nothing but fist pumping his life away had become the voice of reason.

"Bella," Edward turned towards me and extended a hand, "I've been so cruel. Shall we?"

"We shall!" I grinned, grabbing his hands. It only took four days ten hours and five seconds, but I was finally getting an orgasam.

"Fellas!" Edward turned to address the group. "We'll be in the dressing rooms!" with that Edward pulled me towards the clothing section.

"Edward," I questioned, half confused, half frustrated. "We just walked by the dressing room about three times."

"I know that!" he stared back at me quickly before tearing through a rack of clothing priced as cheeply as it was made. "But we have to have a cover. I'm getting something to try on!" he held up a regular white tee-shirt and wrinkled his nose. "What are kids wearing these days?"

"You don't have to like it, remember?" I tapped my skull for emphasis.

"Elephant, Bella," he returned the gesture before grabbing a large gray sweater and pulling me towards the dressing room stalls.

The moment felt so unreal to me. I don't remember much of what happened between the point of Edward grabbing the lumpy sweater and the moment of Edward posing in front of the mirror. I do, however, remember that none of hte moments between contained hot sex. Or orgasms. Or even heavy petting.

"Does this sweater make me look pale?" he asked, turning this way and that in front of the full length mirror. "I don't think it flatters my figure very much… Well… I mean, everything flatters me, of course, because I'm a vampire, but as far as flattering things go in terms of not flattering…"

"...it's lovely, Edward. Just great," I sighed, wondering if a lack of orgasm was enough reason for a divorce so soon into a marriage.

"Bella, you're not even looking!" he accused. "You didn't even check! You're just saying these things because EVERYTHING ABOUT ME PULLS YOU IN. MY FACE. MY SCENT. EVEN MY VOICE. I'M DANGEROUS BELLA, STAY AWAY!"

"Edward!" I tried to calm him down, hoping to avoid a confrontation with the not too friendly WalMart staffers who were sure to have heard him. "Please don't yell! What if the changing room attendants heard you! We'd be busted for sure!"

"Oh come now, Bella. They would know any loud noises were just you in the throws of passion. My vocal level is no where near that range."

"...How would you even know?" I accused.

"Elephant, Bella. Elephant."

I began to count. Perhaps if I were able to make it to five, I wouldn't want to kill Edward as badly as I did now.

"Bella, surely you remember my powers of pleasure," he looked slightly shocked and offended. "Although… I suppose that I might have blown your mind… perhaps that's why you're so…" he paused as I glared, daring him with my eyes to continue. He took the challenge. "Dumb."

"OH YEAH!" I blew up. If I were in a war, I would've been the field mine that blew up the entire convoy. "I remember all right! I remember that you DON'T HAVE ANY POWERS OF PLEASURE!"

"Bella!" Edward pressed himself against the wall, his hand placed over his heart. "Your words. They cut."

"GOOD!" I screamed. I couldn't take it anymore. I should've known that two to three years wasn't a long enough time before marriage. I should've listened to my dad and hung out with my other friends. Then maybe I would've noticed the crazy before we took our vows. "Let's just go get Situation his stupid washboard, so we can do the stupid good deed, so we can get the stupid cahd," I mimcked Alan Shawn's voice for effect. "So we can get the stupid fart, so we can then vampireize the fart, so we can go home, and live a long and orgamless eternal life together!" I stalked out of the dressing room, making sure to slam the door behind me. "OH YEAH!" I re-opened the door just enough to fit my head in. "That sweater makes you look FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT! FAT!

Edward's lower lip began to crumple as I slammed the door once more. He followed closely behind, back in his normal clothing: the hammer pants and brightly colored man tank.

"WELL….WELL…" he pointed a finger at my back, trailing behind my determined pace. "You're a...a...BUTT FACE!" he smiled lightly, clearly proud with his lame insult.

"You know, I wish I were, Edward! Maybe then R. Kelly would put his key in my ignition-face! He could be feelin' on my booty! And maybe then someone would love me properly!" I huffed back to the front of the store, snatching up a washboard as I went. "HERE!" I yelled, as I handed The Situation his temporary situation. "TAKE IT!"

"Jeez, Bella, you look pissed," Jacob said. I turned to yell at him too, to try to get all of my anger out for the day so maybe the unwanted adventure could end sooner, but I was stopped short.

Jacob's hair was so beautifully gelled.

I fell in love with my sun, the one who filled the hole in my heart, all over again.