Chapter 32: Hey Gurrl How Ya Doin? You are the woman that I'm really persuein'

"Hey Bells, how ya doin?" Jacob asked as I made a bee-line towards his gloriously spikey hair.

"So much better now, Jake-y," I said as I pressed myself against his overly buff and now even more tanned bod. "I just wanted to thank you for being a friend…"

"Hey, you know me. Travel down the road and back again, Bells. Your heart is true, you're a friend and a confidant," he paused, not quite sure if he should continue. The last party that was thrown in my honour, Edward had given me a car. Jacob gave me a bracelet- not the biggest gift. It didn't even have a card attached.

"Oh Jacob," I began to melt against his overly warm skin. "You're so… friend."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Bellie…" he paused once more, considering his words carefully. "Could you… not use me as a heater right now? It's pretty tosty in here and you're starting to smell a bit… If you want, we can go get some anti-persperant from aisle three, but I'd rather just avoid the problem all together, you know?"

"Oh, I know. We should go to aisle three, baby. That's where the good stuff is," I wiggled my eyebrows, hoping he would get the reference to personal lubracants in the aisle.

"I think you should go through aisle two to steal his heart," John Guevermont objected, referencing his greatest musical, Shelf Life.

I glared at him quickly before looking up at Jacob through my eyelashes. He was being a total cockblock. I really needed the soulful tunes of R. Kelly to get the mood started.

"You know," I began, lightly tracing a finger along Jacob's chest. "I think I forgot something in the dressing room. Will you…come help me retrieve it?" I wiggled my eyebrows and bit my lip at the last statement.

"Sure!" Jacob bounded ahead, dragging me back to the clothing section of the super store.

"I'm telling yah," I could hear The Situation's voice informing the menfolk of the current situation. "Da Haih gel always gets da ladies."

"Yeah," Edwards sighed, and stared up at the ceiling dreamily. "HEY!" the moment of realization sprung quicker than usual. "HEY!" he picked up the pace to meet Jacob and mine.

"HEY!" he exclaimed once again his brows furrowed.

"What Edward?"

"HEY!"

"I'm going in the dressing room with Jacob now," I narrowed my eyes at him, and followed Jacob into the little alcove in which all the stalls were located. Once, we were safetly locked into stall 7, I began to start the magic.

"HEY!" Edward's voice called from outside the stall, preventing me from beginning the process of orgasming. "WHY YOU GOTTA DO ME LIKE THAT?" he pounded his fists against the slatted white door.

"Because you can't do me like this!" I replied simply before tearing Jacob's pants off. Those Velcro hammer pants really came in handy.

"Don't make me pull this out!" Edward threatened.

"All I wanted you to pull out was your penis, Edward!" I cried as I began to pull Jacob's out. It was beautiful and penis-y in every way I had imagined except for one. Just like Edward, Jacob's little dog bone was flaccid.

"I'm going to do it!" Edward threatened again, sounding more determined now. "If you don't come out of there very soon, I'll… I'll make you come out of there very soon!"

I sighed and rolled my eyes, trying to get the juices flowing in Jacob. "Fine, Edward. Fine, whatever. Fine. I don't care anymore. Fine."

I could hear Edward's sniffling, then the ripping open of a plastic package, then… everything went crazy.

"IT'S BACON!" Jacob lept over the stall onto Edward, tackling him to the ground. "BACON BACON BACON!" If he were in full wearwolf mode, I'm sure his tail would have been wagging like a crazy dog.

"Beggin' strips," Edward explained to me as I stood in the doorway, mouth agape. "Dogs don't know it's not bacon!"

"IT'S BAAAAAACON!" Jacob began stuffing his face into the bag, eating loudly of the false pig biproduct. "YUM YUM YUM YUM!"

Edward looked very pleased with himself as he allowed Jacob to not bring me orgasmic pleasure. "You reap what you sow, Bella," he said. "And what you had sown could only reap such plants. You wanted to break our wedding vows? Then you had best be prepared for the concequences!"

"How on earth did the concequences equal… this?" I asked, as Edward begain scratching Jacob's perfectly abb-ular belly. "I don't even begin to see the relation between the two…"

"Dumb," Edward shook his head at me before professing Jacob's good boy-liness.

"I think I can offer some advice here!" John Guevermont stepped inbetween Edward and me, preventing me balled up fists from punching Edward in the left pectoral. "I'm sort of a guru on relationships. Did I ever tell you about the time I saved a man?"

"NO!" I replied through gritted teeth. Was I doomed to be orgasimless for life? What did I do to deserve this? I mean, Edward's vampire-ness was completely scientific, so I knew God couldn't be mad at me.

"Well!" John Guevermont clapped his hands together, smiling, his gap tooth a lit with joy. "Let me tell you!"

"Does this have anything to do with sexual intercourse?"

"No, but my advice to you, by the way!" he threw his hands behind his back, shaking his head slightly. "Is to have emotional affairs with your younger and not of age students. It's really invigorating. The whole danger aspect of it!" John's gap tooth seemed to widen as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"But I have sex related issues!" I threw my hands up to the heavens. If only Vampires were stretchy…

"Well," John placed a pride filled hand to his chest. "I never. NEVER. Lack in that department.

And then it happened. I remembered the reason for John entering this Fan-Fic. He had the sexual ability I needed to orgasm. I had forgotten how his gray hair shimmered under the florecent lights. How his gap tooth made him sexy in the medieval knight kind of way. How the way he threw his hands back accentuate the chalk stains, accentuating his aging and flabby body. And here we were. In Walmart. In Walmart in the Walmart dressing rooms. In Walmart in the Walmart dressing rooms, unattended. Him a crazed sex machine. Me, in need of one. Before I could think any further, I pulled him in, and locked the door behind us.

"I NEED AN ORGASM AND I NEED IT NOW!" I held him threateningly by the ducky necktie drapped casually around his neck.

"BUT FIRST," John held up a finger, not denying me. "We must dicuss how we are better than those around us, for we… ARE INTELLECTS!"

"NOT BELLA!" Edwards called from the other side. "She's dumb! Dumb! That's why I always dumb, when she says stuff because she's dumb. It's a meaner way of saying stupid. It's also shorter, which is good for the busy swinging bachelor like myself!"

"You're not a bachelor, Edward," I sighed. "You're a married man. Who has a wife who's about to finally get an orgasm from a French Canadian choir director."

"I do?" I could picture the blank look on Edward's perfect face. "Wow… who knew, right?" He seemed to be pleased with this new development. "Heh!"

"Did I ever tell you about the time I couldn't appreciate my son's winning the soccer game?" John Guevernmont said as I began trying to remove his chalky polo shirt. "I was too intellectual to understand the simple pleasures in life."

"I'll give you some simple pleasures," I said suggestively.

"I won't appreciate them," John frowned. "I'm intellectual!"

"I told you!" came Edward's voice from the outside area. "Dumb."

"Fine then!" I huffed, trying to undo his thrift-store belt. "Fine then! I'll give you complex pleasures!"

"I thought you wanted sex?" John frowned even further, his eyebrows deepening in concern. "That's not really complex, now, is it? I mean… It's like working at McDonnalds when you could be a high school English teacher! There's no comparison!"

"Do you want to get laid, or not?" I yelled, throwing my hands up in the air. "I mean, for god's sake! Does no one want to help me orgasm? Is the whole world against me?"

"More or less," Jacob said. Weather it was to my comment or to the Walmart employee he was conversing over Beggin' Strips was unclear, however I decided to not take the second point into consideration.

"Nonsense," John flipped a wrist in my direction. "Let's get this started!" he ripped his pants off, and began the process.

I looked on in shock as he gyrated around the dressing room. It was…something. He began the opening score to Cats, including the prancing around, clawing at the carpet, and even coughing up a hair ball or two.

"Practical cats, dramatical cats Pragmatical cats, fanatical cats Oratorical cats, Delphicoracle cats Skeptical cats, Dispeptical cats Romantical cats, Pedantical cats
Critical cats, parasitical cats Allegorical cats, metaphorical cats Statistical cats and mystical cats Political cats, hypocritical cats Clerical cats, hysterical cats Cynical cats, rabbinical cats!" he sang, making the necessary faces to keep in tune, the gap in his teeth creating a nice whistle to go along with his song. If Bret Michaels were not recovering from his birth, and here with us instead, he would've definitely been turned on. John gave jazz hands only an English High School teacher who runs the drama department could muster.

"HEY!" Edward bust in, joining in the chorus. "I know this song." Together, him and John danced and sang down the asiles of Walmart, gracing the shoppers with their rendition of the hit broadway musical.

"Now this is a situation I've never been situated with," the Situation looked on slightly horrified. He definitely was the voice of reason within the sea of doofuses I would consider my posse.

"Oh shit," R. Kelly sang for the first time in chapter. "Things are getting crazy! This poor little lady! Why can't she and Edward do the deed to make a baby…baby…baby…baby?" as he echoed the last bit he faded into one of the dressing room stalls, hiding himself from what was Edward's and John's big finish.

Suddenly, although, I admit, not really unexpectedly, especially after seeing his prior reaction to Beggin' Strips, Jacob lept from his perch on the floor, springing like a dog after a cat.

"WOOF!" he yelled. "WOOF WOOF ARF GRR!"

"HISS!" John returned, using his gap to aid in the effect of his hissing. "HISS MEOW!"

"GRR!"

"HISS!"

"GENTLEMEN! Gentlemen please!" Edward held his hands up. "Can't we all just get along?"

"Don't try to be the hero here, Paracite!" Jacob growled. "You don't own me! Whatevea! I do what I want! Whatevea!" He moved his head from side to side. "Whatevea!"

"Jacob! Please!" Edward put his hand to his forehead, "What are we doin' heah?"

"OH YEAH?"

"I mean… I'm doin' me, I know that," Edward said, quoting Jimmy from Degrassi's song that he made when he wasn't being shot.

It was then the idea struck me. Like Rick's bullet in Jimmy's back. It was like I was running in slow motion then suddenly, everything stopped for that moment. It was as if the screen playing my life went black and then cut to credits. But it was in that moment, that I knew. I had a plan and I knew that, if acted out properly, my life would never be the same again. I would begin life anew just as Jimmy had begun life anew in his wheelchair after he wasn't able to be on the basketball team again and after he and Spinner had stopped being friends, but before he went out with Ashley but then dumped her because he couldn't get a boner.

Masterbation.