Chapter 33: A hand in the pants is worth one in the pants.
I cannot believe it never occurred to me before. I had been spending all my time entrusting my oragsms to others when, in truth, I held the power in my own two hands. Or one, if I was using the other to control the DVD player remote if I so decided to watch porn as I got my jollies on. It was so simple, so mindbogglingly uncomplicated… I was almost ready to berate my simple and dumb human brain for not thinking of it sooner when I realized that, perhaps, it was a bit more complicated than first realize so the fact my simple brain didn't connect to it right away wasn't to be unexpected.
How Edward didn't come up with the idea, however, I will never know. His superior vampire mind, far more clever and elephant-like than my own, would surely have thought of such a plan…
"Where are you going?" Edward screamed after me as I walked purposefully towards the Walmart entrance(or soon to be exit.). "Women," he scoffed soon after. "Always doing crazy things at crazy times."
"Yo dood!" The Situation fist pumped into the air in a frenzy. "You gotta treat da ladies with respec'! None o' dat crazy women crap."
The Situation was easily becoming one of the most likeable characters of the bunch. Shockingly so, since he's all about tanning and doing his laundry. But who doesn't love the smell of a clean shirt?
"Good sir!" I politely approached one of the friend blue vest clad Walmart employees. "Could you direct me to the nearest sex toy shop?"
"Don't think it's because her husband can't get a boner, and when he does, he can't use it to please her!" Edward quickly came up behind me defending. "Because you'd be quite wrong in thinking that! Why just yesterday she was commending my great skills in the sak. Why I believe it went something like this," Edward raised his voice an octive higher to emulate what I might sound like if I was a teenage boy going through puberty. "Oh Edward! You are certainly a sex machine. You have ruined my vagina to any other man. I shall always be faithful to you, Edward Cullen, because I could never receive the orgasm your ding dong provides with any other."
I turned and glared at my newly acquired husband. "When did I say anything remotely like that?" I asked.
"Last night. While you were sleeping," Edward explained. "I was watching telelvison and waiting for you to wake up and WATCHING YOU I AM VERY PROTECTIVE OF YOU BELLA. I LIKE TO WATCH YOU SLEEP. IT'S VERY…"
"Edward. Stop. No one needs to know that you're a total creeper at night."
"Anyway, you said it. I heard it." He nodded to the friendly WalMart worker. "She said it."
"A-yup," replied the friendly WalMart worker. "A-yuuuup."
"Edward," I sighed. "I was having a dream. You don't know dreams, because you don't have them ever because you don't sleep, but when you dream, you can have the most magical and wonderful and perfect things happen. I was dreaming that you were giving me the orgasm of my dreams. The one that I wanted and had dreamt about before and was dreaming about getting when I was dreaming."
Edward looked at me with beady eyes. He furrowed his brow in an attempt to understand what I had told him. The look of stony concentration made his perfect and flawless features look even more granite like than usual. If I were Bret Michales, I'd admit that it was turning me on.
"Well then," Edward's beady eyes became even more beady. "I guess this is your fault Bella. I can't read your mind. I don't know what it is you want. You never communicate with me!"
"EDWARD!" I hissed. "EDWARD! You don't talk about that in front of people!"
"Don't talk about what, Bella? You're not telling me! I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND, YOU KNOW!" He spat back.
"EDWARD!" I yelled even louder. The expression on the face of the friendly WalMart employee gave away everything, even to someone like my poor human self who couldn't read minds. He knew. He knew and he knew well.
"Here," he scribbled something on an old receipt before striding away and giving Edward a dirty once over. For once someone was on my side, and it felt…Good!
I unfolded the slip of paper on which an address of the nearest Amazing Super store was written out. Below it the friendly Walmart employee had written "for a good time, call me" and his seven digit number plus the local area code. Was I willing to succumb to sleep with just anyone? Only time could tell.
"What is that Bella?" Edward bounced around me as I continued on my journey to the Adult Toy Shop. "What's on the paper? Bella? Bella? What's on the paper Bella? TELL ME! TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL ME, ME!"
"EDWARD!" I snapped around giving him the best glare I could muster, which was hard when his face was so perfect. His eyes so…smoldery. Why Hilter himself(the king of anger) couldn't stay mad at the guy. "This will help me orgasm."
"Oh! I know what can help!" he tugged on my arm leading me away. I tried to fight against him, but it was no use. His super human strength was no match for my weak and meger human form. As if I could fight him off! As if I could outrun him! HE WAS A MONSTER!
"DUN DAH!" Edward splayed his hands out in a panoramic view of the building we had stopped in front of.
"EDWARD," I groaned, slapping my face into my hands. "We've already tried the strip club."
"OH A STRIP CLUB!" The situation and Jacob quickly caught up. "Dem places have tons of fly ladies!" The Situation, popped his collar and gave one fist pump to the night sky.
"And their breasts are so natural!" Jacob amended, also fist pumping into the air.
"Hey Jake-y x!" The Situation gave Jake one of those male bonding shoves. "You can give your new look a test run in there!"
"Jake-y x?" I raised a eyebrow with confusion.
"DUH!" Edward rolled his eyes. "All the fly fellas need a cool nick name to attract the smokin' babes! Like me! Mine is D.J. Eddie Monay. That's how I got you."
"Come on!" The Situation beckoned to the rest of us, everyone following his foot steps eagerly.
"I bet one of my former students works in there," John mused, skipping a step or too happily.
"Edward," I growled, holding my ground. "This didn't work… remember?"
"No," he scoffed. "And if I don't remember it, it certainly didn't happen. Remember? Elephant?" he tapped his skull for emphasis. "Dumb," he shook his head with disappointment before joining the others inside.
It was decision time for me as I stood outside the strip club. Do I go inside and realize my inner lesbanic feelings? Could I handle knowing myself if those feelings have been kept from me all these years? Do I continue to the sex store myself, and masterbate without a hoard of buffoons doing buffoon like things? Or, did I call for a good time? The weight of the world was on my shoulders. Two decisions would lead to good sex. One would lead to more disappointment. Would I choose the front seat or the back seat? Oh, spirits, which seat would I take?
I took the wheel. Turning on my heel, and avoiding slipping on the banana peel near the sidewalk, I began my mission once again to the Amazing Superstore. I walked about ten feet before I stopped again. I did not have a GPS unit nor a map. Knowing my luck, I would likely be stuck wandring throughout the streets of Memphis for the next three years. I went back to the strip club.
Upon entering the club, I noticed several things had changed from my first experience in there. Firstly, Edward was sitting in a chair, fully clothed, and without any Fig Newtons. Secondly, there were ladies were on the stage. Thirdly, there was not one man in the club wearing a shirt advertising moustache rides for discount prices.
It was in this moment, I thanked my past self for being so prepared. I took from my purse a olive green, highly stained t-shirt and pulled it over my head. I would take one for the team this day and advertise for the rides of the moustache-y variety.
After I donned my new 'rags', I went and seated myself next to Edward, sighing as I did so in order to express my displeasure with the turn of events.
"Bella! You came!" Edward patted me on the back like one of the bros. "Good timing. John's up next!"
"Oh god no!" I wept openly. "Anything but that!"
But it was too late. The opening song from Shelf Life began to play as a single spot was drawn over the freshly oiled pole. John slunk up to center stage. His face contorting to hold the notes.
The men whooped and hollered with each changing expression. Some fanned their chests with their shirts. Other's sipped their beers longingly. The Situation had passed out stone cold as John stepped fully into the light, revealing his dashing and saucy attire. He was wearing nothing but the East Field Indepent Venders of America Family Savings Everyday Bargin Basic Value Quality Discoutn Neighborhood Grocery story apron. The blue apron just grazed his perfect penis, as it flopped in time with his sloppy time steps and step-ball-changes.
"Wow!" Edward's eyes were wide and un blinking as he stared up at John. Jealousy bubbled in my chest. I wondered what I would have to do for him to stare at me in that way. "I think I'm in love," he held a hand lovingly to his heart. "I LOVE YOU JOHN!" he screamed rushing the stage, only to be pulled back by the bouncers. "NO! NO! YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP US AS APART!" he kicked and screamed as the burly gentlemen removed him from the club.
"What's 'dat youngsta doin'?" Alan Shawn Feinstien asked as he walked into the club, entorage of his family flocking his sides. "AARI!"
"We love you all," Ari said blandly to the patrons of the club. "Dad, I hate this. Why do I have to tell these people I love them? Can't I just be a normal no-longer-teenager? I don't want to live in the shadow of your pseudo-fame anymore. I want to be my own person! Separate from your Alan-Shawn-Feinstien-ness!"
No one cared and the Feinstien family continued in. As they walked up to the stage, a thought struck me. I grabbed the Situation by the collar and dragged him over to the Rhode Island philanthropist.
"Mr. Feinstein!" I yelled, just in case he was hard of hearing in the club. I wanted to make sure I was heard over John Guevernmont's crooning. "Mr. Feinstien! I did a good deed!" I waved my little book infront of his face and pointed excitedly at the washboard being held by tacky glue to the Situation's stomach.
"Excellent work, you're a fine juniah scholah," Alan Shawn complimented. "I think it's time you get yah cahd."