Chapter 34 : It's about the key the key the key to my heart you hooooooold! Dun dun dun!
It was a good moment to be alive. I had never experienced such bliss as Alan Shawn Feinstien signed his name to the Junior Scholar card which was about to be mine. Even walking down the aisle to Edward, back when I believed I'd be living a life of orgasmic bliss, was nothing compared to this moment.
"Heah ya go," Alan Shawn said, handing the card to me. I held it up in my hands reverently. Somewhere, the Baptist Choir group, led by the soulful sounds of , who had entered into the strip club a little before I had, began to sing the Hallelujah chorus. A spotlight shown down on me. Glitter flew in the sky. I had never and will never experience a more perfect moment in life.
If I could bottle up that moment and put it into a scented candle, I'd call it "Farterella."
"OH MY GOD!" Jacob bounded over to me, tailbone wagging under his flesh. "OH MY GOD, BELLA!"
"I KNOW!" I screamed, taking both his hands in mine as we jumped in circles.
Dear Alan Shawn wiped away a tear of happiness as he croaked, "It's always so nice ta see a pair of youngstahs so happy ta be doin' da good deeds! Dey deserve high fives and hugs!" he cried, breaking into a full sob at this moment. "HIGH FIVE AND HUGS FOR EVERYONE!" he threw his hands out and bellowed.
The club errupted in cheers, the choir beginning to sing again. The club was alight with feelings of elation, jubilation, and pure exhalation. People lined up to recieve their high fives and hugs from the jolly philanthropist. Even John Guevermont climbed down from his perch on stage to join in the fun.
"You know what this means now?" I shouted about the whoops and hollers of a strip club gone giddy.
"WE HAVE BEGUN TO FIX THE SITUATION?" The Situation roared over the crowd, fist pumping like he never had before.
"Right!" I grabbed Jacob by the wrist and ran from the club. It was time to get Farterella, vamperieze her, and then get all the other people out of my life. Then maybe I could finally get that orgasm I deserved.
"HOLD ON THERE ONE COTTON LILLY PICKIN' MINUTE!" Edward appeared from nowhere as he was want to do. "Where do you think you're a-goin' with my woman?" he poked Jake in his muscular, tanned, oiled, and laundry clad chest.
"Well," Jacob put a hand to his chin, scratching at an invisbile beard. "I had intended to go the bathroom before we left, but I wasn't going to bring Bella with me, of course, she can't go in the mens room, anyway, after that, I was thinking that maybe we could find my one, my true love."
"That was the longest sentence ever," Edward huffed. "You used far too many commas for it to be readable. I bet you used more than five!"
"Edward, he was talking. He didn't use commas," I rolled my eyes. "He did not say 'I had intended to go to the bathroom before we left comma but I wasn't going to bring bella with me comma of course comma she can't go in the mens room comma anyway comma after that comma I was thinking that maybe we could find my one comma true love period'. He didn't say that."
"I know that, Bella," Edward's eyes rolled in my general direction. "Dumb."
"Anyway, yeah. That was my plan." Jacob pulled out a small notebook from the pocket of his Ed Hardy, lightly distressed denim pants, checking down the list which he had made before. "Bathroom, pooping, wiping, fart. Yeah, I think that covers it!"
"Hunh!" Edward nodded, looking over the little list as well. "This does seem to cover everything. It all appears to be in check. Well, carry on." He took a hole punch from his shirt and punched a hole into Jacob's list. "Pip pip."
"Cheerio!" Jacob replied.
"What? What just happened there?" I demanded, putting my hands on my hips much like a slightly chunky middle aged mother of three would be prone to doing if one of her children had disobeyed a direction given regarding the cookie jar and who was and was not allowed in it before dinner time.
Edward looked slightly hurt at my tone and posture. "I punched his list…"
"He punched my list!" Jacob nodded vigorously in agreement.
"But, but, but" something in me snapped. A wise old saying came to mind at that moment. One that shined down upon as if the word from God had spoken. If you can't beat them, join them. "HIS LIST IS INCOMPLETE!" I shouted, receiving baffled looks from the two of them. Pointing an accusatory hand at Jacob I continued, "HE DIDN'T PUT WASHING HIS HANDS ON THE LIST!"
"FIE!" Edward pointed his finger at Jacob as well.
"FIE!" John Guevermont had exited the club at that exact moment, now back in his normal attire.
"FIE!" The Situation joined the club, flitting his eyes around as if he was unsure of what the word meant.
"Oh, shit, oh shit!" R. Kelly sung, the choir backing him up softly. His soulful voice added moment and weight to the situation.
"UH, UH!" Jacob looked from side to side. The finger pointing at him created a perfect circle around his body. "I'm a man," he shrugged.
The circle slowly dropped their fingers, pondering the thought breifly.
"Yeah...YEAH...YEAH!" Edward nodded his head more definitely each time. "WE'RE MEN! WE DON'T NEED TO WASH OUR HANDS AFTER GOING TO THE BATHROOM!" he beat his chest as if he were a gorilla as the rest of the group cheered. "God Bella! Dumb."
"Let's just find the stupid fart," I muttered, walking from the circle.
"SHE'S NOT STUPID!" Jacob bellowed breaking into wretching sobs. "SHE SMART AND FUNNY AND NICE AND AND BEAUTIFUL!" he screamed before running to the bathroom with his face in his hands.
"Oh, look what you've done Bella!" Edward furrowed his brow and placed his hands on his hips, leaning in towards me. "You've ruined Christmas! How do you feel? You've ruined the birthday of our Savior Lord in Heaven. He only has one birthday, you know? And you've ruined it! Why, I think you might have ruined it for all eternity! Do you know how long that is? Because I do! Because I'm a vampire, Bella! Everything about me draws you in! My voice, my smell, my looks!"
"I'M A MONSTER BELLA!" all the members of our dysfunctional crew joined in as Edward bellowed the last part.
"I know, I get it. You're a monster. I need to stay away. Can we move on? Please?" I begged. "Edward, everything about you lures me in. It's kind of hard to stay away."
"AS IF YOU COULD OUTRUN ME!" Edward huffed.
"Right. As if I could outrun you. I can't So let's just drop it for the moment? Please?"
"Fine, FINE!" Edward glared at me, arms crossed over his gorgeously granite and stoney chest. Why, if Edward were not a rock based item but instead a semi-soild, he'd be the most appetizing bowl of jell-o ever to grace the buffet at the All You Can Eat Chinese X-Press.
"Did I miss anything?" Jacob returned, panting with the viggor of one who'd just run a marathon. "Oh! Bella! Guess what!" He leaned in to whisper in my ear. "I washed my hands."
"I'm so proud of you, really," I replied blandly. "Can we go? Get the fart now?"
"FARTERELLA!" Jacob stood up tall. "I WILL FIND YOU AND RESCUE YOU, MY LOVE! WE HAVE THE KEY NOW!" He bounded out of the club, brandishing a butter knife in replacement of a mace. "WOOF!"
"Well my love," Edward's velvet voice caressed my inner most thighs. "Shall we?"
John Guevernmont took hold of Edward's outstretched hand. "Of course. I am never late for anything, you know, did I ever tell you about the time…"
Their voices trailed off as they left me in the club, holding my Junior Scholar Card, my only friend.
The Situation fist pumped somberly, the mood was set.