Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter 2

Jack's proper title is "Captain Jack Harkness". Not "Immortal God of Sex."

Ianto Note: Jack's proper title is "Captain Jack Harkness". Not "Immortal God of Sex."

It had started normally enough. The pair had been recovering after a particularly great round of naked hide and seek. They lay spooned with Jack pressed against his back, sucking and nipping his neck. Not ready for round two his younger lover groaned, content to be cuddled warm and naked on the floor of the med bay.

"You cheated again," Ianto muttered sleepily.

""I don't cheat. You just suck at playing."

He turned in his lover's arms. "You like when I suck," he smiled.

Jack growled and rolled on top of him, his tongue pressing into the sensitive patch behind Ianto's ear. His lips were trailing down his the archivist's torso when the phone rang.

"Jack, just leave it!" He grunted. Ianto tugged on Jack's hair.

He picked up with the third ring.

"Immortal God of Sex with a very gorgeous Welshman between his legs. Do you need to set an appointment?"

"Bloody hell, Harkness..."

"Owen!"

"Owen?"

Ianto scrambled out from underneath Jack and crawled to his pants nearby. His underwear was no where to be seen, but he's learned to expect as much.

"How'd the alien in the park go?"

"It was a kid's birthday party. I called to let you know that while you've been shagging the tea boy we actually got some work done."

"Now don't call it shagging, Owen. Ianto doesn't like it. It reminds him of sheep."

"Because he's bloody Welsh!" A pause came at his end of the line. "We're heading back. Be clothed."

Jack hung up the phone with a smile and went to go find his lover.

…

The joke continued for the rest of the day.

"Ianto, the Immortal God of Sex needs you in his office."

"Immortal God of Sex wants to know what's for lunch."

"The blasted Immortal God of Sex is driving me up the fucking wall! You're his boy toy! Take care of it!"

On, and on, and on, and on. Ianto finally snapped when he delivered tea to Gwen.

"We all know he's immortal. But what exactly does he to become the god of sex?"

Slamming down his tray he trudged up to Jack's office. Banging the door open he smashed his hands against Jack's desk. He looked up.

"What's the matter, Yan?"

"Hands on the desk. Standing. Feet spread. Don't move."

Seeing the anger in his boyfriends eyes he obeyed. As he rose Ianto shut the blinds and he knew he was in trouble. He never expected a firm smack on his arse.

"What is your name?" Ianto's voice was low and gruff, hand hovering over the older man.

Jack smirked. "Haven't you heard? I'm-"

SMACK!

"What." SMACK! " Is." SMACK! "Your." SMACK! "Name?" SMACK!

"Ianto!"

"I have no need to masturbate. " SMACK!

Jack loved when his lover took control. The only problem was, he was having difficulty remembering his name.

SMACK! "Well?"

"Jack! My name's Jack!"

SMACK! "Jack what?"

Another slap and his knees went weak. His cock was hard in his trousers and Ianto's tone was doing nothing but making it worse.

"Jack Harkness. Captain Jack Harkness!" He finally screamed.

Pleased, Ianto flipped him around and attacked his mouth, forcing his tongue between his lips. Jack let out a satisfied moan and hopped onto the desk, pulling Ianto over him.

"What's your name?" He asked, peppering kisses across the immortal's jaw.

Jack smiled. "Whatever you want it to be."

I want to thank everyone that read and reviewed this! I had no idea it would catch on so fast! And to everyone, I think I will be posting smut separately. That way you can read it if you want but it won't take away from the story. Remember to read and review and I'll see you next time!