Chapter 35 : You can stand under my Farterella ella ella hey hey hey under my Farterella ella ella hey hey hey hey IT'S RAAAININ'.
I pushed the door to club open and stepped outside. The morning sun was rising in the East, like it always does. For that is how the world was created. I yawned, I had yet to sleep since I had started this honey moon, which seemed to be about two years, ten months and seven days. A total of 89,942,400 seconds. 1, 449, 040 minutes, 1, 449, 040 moments so dear. 1, 449, 040 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year? In Edwards, in Jacobs, in Fiensteins, in figs of newton, in erections, in chalk stain, in ducky tie, in gapped teeth. In 1, 449, 040 minutes. How do you measure, a two year, ten, month seven day in the life. HOW ABOUT LOOOOOOOOOOVE? HOW ABOUT LOOOOOOOOOOVE? HOW ABOUT LOOOOOOOOOOVE? Measure in Love.
I smiled to myself, felling quite accomplished in adaptting Rent lyrics to fit my situation, and jogged to catch up with the men ahead.
"Hey," I waved the card in front of the faces of Edward and John. They were walking with their hands in each other's pockets. It would've been a magical sight had it not been my husband and some English teacher that for some reason was working as a bell hop at the hotel we're staying in. "Forgetting something?"
"Well, obviously not!" Edward scoffed. "Elephant, Bella," he tapped his skull twice for emphasis. "She's always doubting me John," he muttered to John.
"Pft, women," John flipped a wrist with a scoff. "They're always trying to impress us by wearing make up."
"Please!" The Situation, jogged up, fist pumping to keep pace. "Only grenades wear make up."
"Uh," I rolled my eyes, deciding to ignore their conversation. "The card?"
"THE CARD!" Jacob stopped short, spinning to face us. "What can we do with it?"
"Oh you can do lots of things!" Edward ticked off the list that he spoke. "You can get discounts at hockey games at the Dunkin' Doughnuts Center, discounts into the zoo, college scholar ships, Paw Soxs tickets, and a special ticket price at the I-Max theater."
"The movies," all the other members of our group chanted in unison.
"THE MOVIES?" Edward cried as if the idea had been given to him by the word of God. "Let's go to the I-Max theater. Did you know we could get in with a special price with that card you have?"
"Yes Edward," I sighed. Why didn't he seem this stupid before we married. Was I really that Blinded by love. Was I really like Eve's girlfriend in that song Love is Blind? Will I let Edward beat me, but refuse to leave him until one day he kills me? WILL I LET THAT HAPPEN? "You just said that."
"Pish Posh!" he gave me a dirty look. "I think I would've remembered if I said that. "El-"
"ELEPHANT, BELLA. YES ELEPHANT BELLA!" I smacked my skull twice for emphasis.
"Why is she talking to herself?" Jacob whispered to the Situation.
"I have no clue," he replied. "Maybe she drank some of the Ron-Ron Juice," he shrugged unshore of the reason for my sudden bout of insanity.
"So where is this theater," I asked, wanting to move every one away from my moment of crazyness.
"Oh," Edward pulled out a tiny map from his ear. "It's in Providence Rhode Island. Just a day's walk, I'd say! An afternoon stroll!"
"Edward, that's a seventeen day, four hour long stroll!" I flailed my arms, much like Kermit the Frog would if he were as exasperated as I in this moment.
"Oh." Edward consulted his map, turning it a bit before realizing that it was, in fact, a drawing of some deer. "Oh. Well then."
"Can we just go to a local theater?"
"ARE YOU MAD, WOMAN!" John Guevernmont's hands flew behind his back at lightning speed. "ARE YOU INNEPT? DID YOU NOT GET A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE IN COLLEGE?"
"I didn't go to college," I replied. "I left high school then got married. Like a good mormon child."
"Fair enough," his hands relaxed before flying back once more. "BUT ARE YOU INNEPT? One cannot simply waltz into I-Max!"
"I wasn't planning on waltzing," I rebutted.
"Either way! There is only one Feinstien I-Max! And if you hold the card, that is the only place where you'll ever be able to get your discount!"
"Can't ya just get on a plane or somethin'?" The Situation asked, fist pumping to express his inquiry. "Or a dragon, man. Dragons."
"TROGDOR!" Jacob began bouncing on his toes. "YES! We can call Trogdor! He'll help us! Burnanate all the people until we get to the I-Max!"
"In their thatched roof cottages!" Edward agreed. "But… Is it safe? To summon Him so soon?"
"I would think so," Jacob said. "I mean… it's a bit after dinner, so he should have eaten and everything. We won't be like telemarketers who call right when you're about to eat. Or the republicans right when you're about to sit down and work on your novel length fan-fic."
"Right" Edward struck a pose, pulling out a cell phone. "And now… THE CALL!" He began to dial, humming the Backstreet Boys hit tune to himself as he pressed the little buttons on the 'phone. "Listen baby I'm NINE, just wanna tell you don't SEEEVEN. I will be EIGHT don't stay up and EIGHT FOUR me. Say it again, ZERO you're droppin' out mah battery is FOUR just so ya know, we're goin' to a place nearby, gotta CALL." He held the 'phone to his ear, listening as it began ringing on the other side.
"HELLO?" he screamed into the phone. "Yes, yes. This is Edward Cullen. Yes from the Cullen family, Edward Cullen. Yes, I'm calling because we need your assistance. Well, funny you should ask our problem. It's quite a doosey indeed. Oh I know, I know. I try to stay out of trouble, but it always seems to find me. Anyway, we need to get to Providence, Rhode Island ASAP. Why Providence? Oh, well we need to the I-Max theater there to get the Feinstein discoutn. I know, I know. It's crazy, but we're in a recession. One must take the discounts where they may lay. So you'll help us? Thank you!" with that Edward clicked his phone closed.
"And?"Jacob leaned forward his ears perking up.
"Oh, no one picked up," Edward replied nonchalantly.
"WHAT?" tears welled in Jacob's eyes. "WE"RE DOOMED!" He sank to his knees and executed a perfect fist pump. "I'LL NEVER FIND MY TRUE LOVE. I'LL DIE A LONELY OLD COOT, AND I'LL HAVE TO WATCH ALL MY OTHER WARE WOLF BRETHERN IMPRINT AND GET GIRLS AND HAVE LOTS OF CRAZY SEX AND I'LL JUST BE STUCK MASTERBATING TO ALL OF QUILLS OLD SPORTS ILLUSTRATED NOVELS BECAUSE SOON ENOUGH HIS SIX-YEAR-OLD SOULMATE WILL BE OLD ENOUGH FOR RELATIONS!' he huffed in many breaths of air, breaking down into wracking sobs.
"This situation is desperate," The Situation fist pumped low, to show his deep concern for the situation at hand.
"This truly is a stick situation," John replied, tapping the shoulder of Jacob forlornly. "Why I remember crying this way. It was because I too intellectual to enjoy my son's town soccer league team winning the championship."
"Did you every think that it wasn't because your too intellectual and more because you're a bad father?" I questioned. There was never a good time for a John Guevermont story, but if there ever was a time less good than never, it was now.
He stared at me wide eyed and mouth agape. His jaw moved, but no sounds came out.
"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he finally cried, sinking to the ground next to Jacob.
"Great job Bella!" Edward bent down between the two to wrap both into one big brug. "There you go ruining EVERYTHING! You've already ruined christmas forever! Do you really want to ruin Easter too? Do you? Is that was you want? Because I know a few popes or two that would be upset. I say pope or two because I've been a live for over one hundred years because I'm a MONSTER BELLA! STAY AWAY!"
Before I could retort, before I could reply anything about how I knew Edward was a monester, how I hadn't destroyed Easter, how John Guevernmont wasn't intellectual, the Situation began viggorously fist pumping in exclimation.
"Yo! Yo!" He called, trying to get our attention as he pumped at the sky. "YO!"
I looked up. A shadow had been cast across the sky. Like a giant airplane, except… more stick like than I had ever seen an airplane before. And without wings. As the great stick of butter landed in our midsts, a most welcome voice filled the air.
"CLIMB ABOARD, Y'ALL!" Paula Deen yelled. "IT'S TIME TO CAPTURE THAT THERE FART!"