Chapter 36: I ain't never gonna dance again. Guilty feet ain't got no rhythm.
I always question MySpace Tom's friendship. From the moment I had joined the website, I felt as though our friendship was superficial. Tom didn't care about me or my well being. Tom didn't call me when Edward had left me for months on end, Tom didn't send me gift baskets when I got married, Tom didn't even reply to my wedding invitation!
I took my cellular phone out of my pocket, checking to see if I had missed any text messages. Tom hadn't even left me a text to ask how my ride on the giant stick of butter was going.
The next time Tom decided to cross my path, we would have words.
"THIS IS SO GREAT!" Edward exclaimed. "LOOK BELLA! I CAN SEE SOME TREES!" He pointed downward, indicating that there were indeed trees below us.
"That's nice, Edward," I replied, not really paying attention. "Great."
"You better hold on tight, Spider Monkey," he turned, capturing my eyes with his own. I was like a prisoner, trapped in a smoldering jail. My heart began to melt, almost as much as the butter was.
"NOW GET ON READY FOR THE LANDIN' YA'LL!" Paula Dean cried out with a "YEHAW!" as she started to descend over the smallest state in the union.
"Aww man yo!" The Situation fist pumped with excitment. "Dis is like Guido HQ!"
"DAG YO!" Jacob fist pumped in time with The Situation.
"Yeah son! Now we can make smush smush with da fly ladies!"
"Smush smush?" I cocked an eyebrow unaware of the hip kid lingo as I was a particularly lame, uncool, and bland kid. How I managed to score such a wonderful God as The Edward Cullen was beyond on me.
"God Bella!" Edward's smoldering eyes rolled in my direction. "It means having carnal relations! Dumb."
"Well I wouldn't know anything about carnal relations, would I, Edward?"
"OH MY GOD!" he instantly broke into sobs. "YOU'RE SO HURTFUL!"
"Now, now ya'll!" Paula Deen's soothing southern twang cut into Edward's sob. "Ya'll just need a lil' buttah. Why buttah solves any ole fix!"
"Butter is like duct tape," Jacob nodded. "Except you can cook with it! Isn't that neat?"
"Duct tape…." Edward's gaze grew distant as he stared meaningfully into the sun, his skin glittering like a thousand tiny diamonds all reflecting off of his largest organ.
"Yes," Jacob nodded. "Excactly! Duct tape!" He looked very proud of Edward for understanding. "But I think that you and Bella might need something more than duct tape," he bit his lip. much like I was prone to doing. "You know, Eddie, back before I imprinted on Farterella, I was totally in love with Bella."
"You were WHAT?" Edward flailed, almost falling off the butter.
"I know, I know. I have no idea what I saw in her either. But in those… dark years, I learned several things about women which I feel as though I should pass on to you. How to… how to satisfy the ladies, if you will."
Edward raised a skeptical eyebrow to Jacob. "Go on," he stated, his velvet voice covering my eardrums like an overly priced and probably uncomfortable blanket.
"You need to take your shirt off."
"I… what does this have to do with butter?" my perfect vampire husband looked perfectly confused. It was glorious.
"You take the butter stick," Jacob demonstraited by cutting out a stick from our flying transporter. "And you rub it all over your chest. So you are all buttery and slick," he did as he said.
I lost control.
"Oh, Jacob," I purred, rubbing myself up against his perfectly oiled chest. "Your chest is so divine."
"See?" Jacob wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. "It's like flies to honey! It never fails and can season your popcorn in a pinch!"
"WOW!" Edward huffed, ripping his shirt of and throwing it off the magic stick. "I must try this!" he grabbed a hunk of butter and traced his abs in a manner similar to Jacob. "How do I look?" He placed his hands on his hips and sat up straight.
"Amazing," John breathed, his hands clasped lovingly over his heart. "The student has now become the teacher."
"So can I start telling you stories of my accomplishments?"
"Well, you could never accomplish as much as I possibly could. Did I ever tell you about the play I wrote? It's called Chairs. I could never show it to anyone it was too sexual and intellectual for anyone to get."
"If you're so great why aren't any of your plays published?" I questioned while rubbing myself upon Jacob like I was a half leopard, half human in heat. But I didn't realize I was leopard shape shifter, so I was confused as to why I wanted to rub my lady parts all over Jacob. Except I knew why I wanted to rub my lady parts all over him.
"BELLA!" Edward roared embraced John in a motherly hug. "Don't say those sorts of things! This man is a genius! A GENIUS I TELL YOU!"
"This man is a washed out, French-Canadian, highschool English teacher!" I screamed. "Edward, he's a loser! A loser!"
"Word," the Situation nodded in agreement.
"See?" I ha-rumphed. "Even the Situation agrees with me!"
"Word," he said again.
"I see," Edward stroked his chin ponderfully. "I... I suppose… If Situation thinks it is so. It must be true."
"Word," I nodded.
"Bella?" Jacob's voice paused me in my nodding. "Bella, do you think you could stop rubbing on me? I'm starting to chafe."
I looked down, a huge rash was beginning to form on Jacob's perfectly sculpted and buttered abs. "Sorry."
"It's okay," he slabbed more butter against his skin. "This stuff is like Windex. I'll be fine." He lowered his eyebrows, squinting at me meaningfully. "Although, I think you might want to go rub up ON YOUR MAN." There was a not-so-subtle wiggling of the eyebrows.
I looked over at Edward, slabbed in butter like a Christmas Turkey. The bits of churned dairy clinging awkwardly to his chest hair. His squishy nipples glistened in the sun.
"I think I'm good," I said to Jacob.
He shrugged. "Your loss. Edward is quite the looker. Everything about him lures you in. His face. His v-"
"I KNOW," I threw my arms up in exasperation. "I KNOW! MONSTER BELLA! STAY AAAAAAAAAAAA-"
"You have to finish your words," Edward called to me as I began falling through the sky.
The wind rushed past every part of my body as I was flying through the air at the rate of acceleration due to free fall. If the basic law of physics taught me anything, I was hurdling towards the ground exponentially faster with each foot I fell. My life flashed before my eyes. My pitful orgasmless excuse for a life. I couldn't believe I was going to die without the earthly pleasure of an orgasm. What would Jesus think when I arrived at the heavenly gates without ever having an orgasm? Why, I would be laughed out of heaven. It was desperate times, and desperate times called for desperate matters. I did what any sex deprived woman falling from a stick of flying butter would do. I stuck my hands down my pants and began to masturbate.
"OH YA'll!" Paula Deen's voice called from above. She was turning the butter in hot persuit of me.
"MY WIFE!" Edward screamed, leaning over the edge of the stick. "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH OUT HER! Of course, I can't die because I'm immortal because I'm A MONSTER BELLA! STAY AWAY!"
"Edward you fool!" I moaned, the pleasure of pleasuring myself taking away a bit of the horror of my body about to be slammed into the ground. "I am getting away from you, I'm falling to my death aren't I?"
"She does have a point," John Guervermont nodded as Edward broke into sobs.
"Who will I reenact Jesus Christ Super Star to now?"
"Don't get down!" Jacob clapped him on the back. "You have a beautiful diabetic rock star waiting for you in the hotel."
"Bret," Edward sighed loveingly. "He never judged me. Him, with his wonderful wig and eyelined eyes!"
"Now, now ya'll!" Paula Deen's voice strained as she piloted the butter like only a Food Network chef trying to save someone who had fallen off a flying stick of butter could. "I'm not given up on this little filly just yet!"
"You reckon you'll be able to save her?" Edward plastered on a fake southern accent as he stared at Paula with doe eyes.
"Why, I don't rightly know, Edward. But I'm sure as hell gonna try!"
I was happy that Paula was at least cared an ounce about me. I fapped like I had never fapped before because I had never fapped before this very occasion. I had thought about it frequently, but as a good mormon I knew it was against the rules. However, now seemed as good as time as any to begin. I fapped as if it was going out of style. Like the Nazis had come back and they were attacking the act of fapping. I had to have one last fap before the Nazis bust into my hiding spot and take my fap away. Why, I was fapping like a teenage boy that had just discovered his penis. It was glorious. It was if I was being frozen in time, hovering in a single spot.
"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!" R. Kelly's soulful voice set the mood.
I lifted my head up to gauge my surrounding to surprisingly find that I was no longer falling through the sky, but was being held a float in mid-air. It was a fapping miracle!
"I think she's stopped falling," I heard Jacob explain. "It looks like the power of her hand in her pants has caused her to defy gravity."
"Oh my god," John Guevernmont looked positively giddy. "I know exactly that that's like! I do it all the time! Did I ever tell you about the time I defied gravity because I am actually the wicked witch of the west?"
"My fapping is not a wicked witch!" I shouted up, my voice lost to the clouds. "I am a very needy woman, but I am not a wicked witch!" in fact, I had never felt less wicked or witchy in my life. All those years I had spent, only gracing my nether regons just to wipe after bathroom activities, those years were wasted. How I had survived before this, I will never know. I was like the blind man who had never seen the rainbow of sparkles off of Edward's perfect skin.
I began falling once more.
It seemed as though I could only stay a float while I was getting down to business. If I let my mind wander, I was surely doomed. I had to keep going.
"Focus, Bella, Focus!" I told myself, concentrating on the mental images of Edward in assless chaps. Edward naked in the sand, ironing some shirts. Edward covered in dairy-free whipped topping and two cherries strategically placed. Edward wearing our Newtons.
I began to rise into the sky. The power of the fap taking me to new heights, literally and figuratively. I chuckled to myself, proud of that clever quip. I never could come up with these thigns when it was important, but when I was all alone, they came to me like I was sure orgasms would if I were to just continue with my actions.
"She's risin!" Paula Deen pointed, indicating my height. "She's like a ball of bread dough filled with yeast!"
"Wow," Jacob and Situation said and fist pumped at the same time. "Dat's sumthin," The Situation gasped.
"Hold steady e'ery one! I'm bringing her in!" Paula swooped the butter down below me, easing the stick up me until I was safely aboard it once more.
"You have a really talent there Bella," Jacob mused, shaking my hand as if I were a celebrity. "You should start a road show or something."
"You could make sum serious smush smush wit dat," The Situation nodded in agreement.
"Thanks guys," I smiled widely. For the first time since these characters invaded what seemed to be my sorrowful story with erectile dysfunction, I felt like I had fit in. Like my hidden power had proved to masses that I, little bland Bella Swan, was worthy of something. Now I knew how New York felt when she received her own reality TV show after not being picked by Flavor Flav twice. And the feeling was wonderful.
I turned to face Edward, expecting to be greeted with a sparkly demeanor. Instead, I was face to face with Edward's perfect stone features etched into a scowl.
"Well Bella," he began his tone filled with irritation. "I hope you're happy!"
"I'm not dead...so I guess I am happy."
"I WISH YOU HAD DIED!" he spat, breaking into a fresh batch of sobs. "I'm a good Christian man Bella and I thought I had married a good Christian woman! Well, I good Christian woman would never masturbate like you have. I...I… I WANT A DIVORCE!" he screamed.
The rest of the butter went silent. The only sound that could be heard was the echoing of R. Kelly's "Oh Shits," fading off into the sunset.