Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Three

Jack is not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. Nor is he allowed to challenge anyone's belief in black magic by asking for hair.

Ianto Note: Jack is not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. Nor is he allowed to challenge anyone's belief in black magic by asking for hair.

Saturday nights were pub night. Torchwood tradition that was not to be tampered with unless the world was ending.

Jack loved pub night because it was his chance to be seen in public with Ianto as a couple, instead of boss and employee. They would part ways after work and Jack would come pick him up, often times with small gifts; a rose, truffles, or (in Jack's opinion a perfectly practical present) a strip of condoms. Together they would meet the rest of the team plus Rhys and focus on anything besides work.

That night was no different. Jack had shown up with the tactful gift of a new coffee mug, dark red in color. Ever the gentleman, he complimented his boyfriend's attire and held out his arm to lead him out. They arrived hand in hand and slightly ruffled to the team's favorite bar. Tosh sat crammed between Owen and Rhys in the middle with Gwen on her husbands other side. Much to her dismay Jack chose to sit beside Owen. He pulled a laughing Ianto into his lap and wrapped his arms around the younger man. Ianto then slid beside his lover, sharing a knowing smile with Tosh.

Looking around, the small pub was dim with a diverse crowd. Younger people waiting for clubs to open, business men, and mixed groups filled the compact space; adding an air of claustrophobia to the atmosphere.

"Who gets the first round?" Owen asked.

"It's Gwen's turn, innit? Tosh got last round last week," Ianto stated.

Gwen smacked her husbands arm. "You wouldn't make a lady get the drinks now, would you?" It was a threat hidden in a smile.

Ianto gave Jack's hand a warning squeeze against speaking.

"Tosh's a lady. 'N she got it last time," Rhys countered. "Besides, you're an alien hunter. Are you honestly afraid of a few drunken dipshits?"

Owen snorted and hid his face in the blushing Japanese woman's hair.

Gwen sighed. "Anyone care to come with me?"

She looked straight at Jack, who was too busy trying to silently unzip Ianto's trousers. Without an answer she stood. "Fine. A pitcher then?"

"And some of those fried green beans, please," Tosh said.

"Fried green beans?" Owen asked.

"Yes," Tosh answered. "Ianto and I had them for lunch a few days ago. They were delicious! Right, Ianto?"

The poor Welshman could only nod as he pried Jack's skilled hand away from his boxers. After subtly correcting his zip he entwined their hands above the table so Jack couldn't cause any more mischief. "Right," he said. Then, turning to Jack he chided. "Behave yourself."

The rest of the small group laughed, clearly having known why Jack's hands had been placed within eyesight. None commented.

Gwen arrived back at the booth, balancing a pitcher in one hand and holding glasses under her arms.

"You know they'll usually deliver the glasses?" Owen asked.

She huffed as Rhys dislodged the breakables from her grip. "That prat of a bartender told me that since I thought I was so special, I could do it myself! Bloody wanker..."

"I've had that before. Really uncomfortable to pee," Jack started.

"What happen's when you don't behave, Jack?" Ianto scolded.

Tosh yelped as Jack climbed into Ianto's lap and placed a wet kiss on his cheek. "I'll be good."

"Fucking hell...you've got him whipped solid, Jones."

Ianto only tipped his empty glass.

…

For the rest of the team, it was lucky that Gwen was an incredibly light-weight drinker. Half a glass in and she had already forgotten that she had already gotten her round. They had managed to make her pay for three more rounds before Rhys ended her plight. Throwing his hands in the air Ianto relented, swaying up to the bar. A pretty barmaid had just taken his pitcher when he felt someone beside him.

When he turned he was met by a pair of dark brown eyes, nearly hidden beneath dirty blonde fringe. He was looking up at Ianto, his eyes only reaching chin-level. The way the other man was looking at him made Ianto wish Jack had accompanied him.

"Can I help you?"

"I'm sure you could." The accent was impossibly rich Irish. "Howie Nashman. And you are?"

The barmaid was taking too long. "Ianto Jones."

Howie moaned. "Mmm- got to love a Welsh accent."

"You must be enjoying Wales then. It's everywhere."

He laughed, and all Ianto could think about was how dirty he sounded. Like he was coughing up dust. "Witty."

"Uncencored," he corrected.

"Say," he moved closer, gagging Ianto with the smell of cheap cologne soaked into his casual office sort of clothing. He had never noticed how much he took Jack's scent for granted. "You wanna get outta here? My hotel isn't far; bet your place is even closer..."

Ianto slid further away. "I have a boyfriend."

The blonde laughed. "I'm sure boyfriend won't mind."

"Oh yes boyfriend fucking will!"

A very angry and somewhat off-kilter Jack was charging towards them. Effectively, he nudged his way between the newcomer and his lover, standing as high as he could.

"Back the fuck off," Jack seethed.

The Irishman scoffed. "Or you'll what, old man?"

"I'll put a curse on you."

Ianto made a mental note not to let Jack speak while drunk.

Huge, gaffing laughter burst out of the smaller man. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Harry Potter!"

Before Howie could fend him off Jack had ripped a chunk of hair from his head. "This is a good start."

Warning Ianto thought Irish boys can jump

Without warning the tiny man had jumped onto the bar and punched Jack in the nose. As he fell back Howie attempted to clamor on top of him. He was stopped when Ianto lifted him in the air and threw him over the bar. Helping his boyfriend to his feet the two ran back to their table.

"We're leaving," Ianto yelled. "Get your shit and let's go."

"I love when you use bad words..."

"Save it, Jack."

Each member of the team dropped a few pounds on the table and rushed out the door; Jack mentally noted that Owen and Tosh were holding hands.

…

At Ianto's flat, Jack stared at the bedding while his lover showered. He felt ridiculous and was wondering whether or not he should just leave when Ianto opened the bathroom door.

"Jack?"

"Yes, Ianto?" He couldn't force himself to look into Ianto's eyes.

"That was very stupid."

"I know Ianto."

"Will you do it again?"

Jack twitched his mouth in thought. "Probably."

Ianto leaned against the door.

"And why is that, Jack?"

Jack smiled, catching onto the game. "Because you're mine, Ianto."

When he looked up the Welshman was smiling. The towel that had been held around his waist was dropped. "Come on then, you silly fool. Let's get washed up."

Ecstatic, Jack quickly stripped himself on his way to the bathroom. Before he could stop himself, he had to.

"Shower sounds amazing. Mind if I Slytherin?"

Even if it had gotten him the couch for the night and a cold shower alone, he would beat Owen on worst pick-up lines ever.

As always a big thanks to everyone who has been reading/reviewing/and adding this story to their faves/alerts. It makes my day to see my inbox exploding with stuff! To those who have been keeping up with my other story, I promise to have an update soon!