Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Four

Ianto Note: Jack is not allowed to get silicone breast implants

For the first time, it was all Tosh's fault. After the black magic fiasco, as Ianto had christened it, the team had been in an almost desperate frenzy to find a new Saturday night pub. Without any luck, the alien catchers decided to just try a new bar each week of a team member's choosing. This, of course, was under the guideline that neither Jack, nor Owen was not allotted a turn. Reluctantly they agreed, and the search began.

The first to pick was Ianto. He chose a point in a tourist's brochure blind. This had been a mistake. While Jack had been thrilled, the rest of the team had been mortified to see the demure Welshman had accidentally picked an S&M fetish club. The youngest member of the team had run away horrified. Through bubbles of laughter later, Jack explained that Ianto's fear came more from the high-heeled dominatrixes than the club itself.

The next pick was given to Rhys, who had boasted about a small pub his mates were frequenting. Having been promised it wasn't a gentleman's club, the team departed. The Harwood's truckers were there when they arrived. The pub was clean, decently lit, and full of the mild-mannered nine-to-five types Jack loathed, but all-in-all had been a suitable pick. That was until one of the truckers got a bit to handsy with Tosh. The Japanese woman shocked the Harwood's workers by shoving a straw up the man's nose, emptying the contents of his drink over his head, and stabbing the offensive hand with a fork. As the man let out several agonized wails, Owen was beating the front of his pants, shouting "why don't you work?"

Hesitantly, the team allowed Gwen the next choice. She had chosen a small tea house across the bay. While the team thought it was a bit ridiculous to be having a tea party, the food was good and the wine was excellent. For now, it would do. However, once the manager saw Ianto feed Jack a fruit tart, the story changed. The aging woman had become possessed, ranting about homosexuals and their deviations from Christ. Before Jack had the chance to do anything stupid, Ianto gripped his boyfriend by the arm and pulled him outside. There, he treated his lover in the car, clearing Jack's mind of "narrow-minded 21st century monkeys."

All hope fell to Tosh. When prompted, she simply said it was a nice pub with live music that Jack would approve of. Her explanation struck fear into the team's hearts. That week she led the group to a small club outside the bay area known as The Queen's Crown. Two large doormen greeted her fondly and wished her party a nice time. Ruby curtains hung along the walls, tinted gold by various candles on all forty or so tables. A stage set the layout in front, accompanied by a long, curving bar that led from the platform to the front windows.

All but Jack and Ianto took a booth immediately. The two men had opted for a quick dance to Glenn Miller as the song changed. Surprisingly, several people had walked up to them, asking how long they had been together, or commenting on what a handsome couple they made. When they arrived at the booth Jack gave Tosh a small kiss on the cheek.

"You did alright,Tosh," Gwen stated. "This is really nice."

"Inexpensive, too," Owen chimed in.

"How'd you find this place?" Jack asked.

"Mary brought me here."

The rest of the group stopped and nodded. Avoiding the "Mary" subject at all costs.

Owen bought the first round and a basket of chips. This was when Ianto began to notice something was up. A large, muscular woman winked at him from the bar; another two in glamorous sequin gowns waved as they took a door behind the stage. The sickly feeling intensified as one took the stage, announcing in a deep voice that Caroline Fair would be preforming a new piece in ten minutes.

"Tosh?"

"Yes, Ianto?"

"That wasn't a real woman," he deadpanned.

The rest of the team turned to see the emcee saunter down from the stage and over to the bar.

"Real enough," she waved off. "Tonight, anyway."

Rhys carefully put down his pint, muttering about remaining able to tell the difference.

Jack, on the other hand, thought this was splendid.

Without further ado, the woman known as Caroline Fair approached the microphone. She sang a throaty rendition of Cole Porter's 'Let's Do It'. Her hair was in a smooth updo, glittering jewelery encompassing her neck, and a beautiful silver gown stopped just short of her matching heels. As she finished, Jack stood, clapping wildly; whistling. One patron handed her a rose and kissed her cheek. After her set she made her way to the team's table.

"Hello Tosh, dear."

Tosh stood to kiss and be kissed by the woman on both cheeks.

"You've never come with company," she pointed out.

Tosh smiled. "These are my friends. We needed a new place to go for Saturday nights, so I brought them."

Each person in the small group gave her a little wave, sans Jack. He was too busy staring at her chest.

"See something you like, handsome?" She laughed.

"Are those fun?"

She was shocked. "I'm sorry?"

"Having boobs. Is it fun? I think it would be." He made a motion over his own flat chest and turned to Ianto. "What do you think, Yan? Think I'd make a good woman?"

And the pint was downed without a response.

"Caroline! You're needed backstage!" A voice called.

"Be there!" she replied. "Honey, I gotta go. The world of glitter is ending!" She walked away, shooting curious looks at Jack.

When she was out of eyesight, Ianto back-handed his boyfriend's arm. "What the hell was that?" he asked.

"What?" he asked innocently.

"Were you going to fondle her too? Jack, you were being rude!"

"It's not rude! It's healthy curiosity! Besides, it's not like you wouldn't love to see me in drag."

Ianto scoffed. "I assure you, I have never been attracted to drag queens."

Jack raised his eyebrow and took a drink. Three hours later he snuck backstage.

…

The next week, they had decided to return to the Queen's Crown, however this time Jack had not arrived with Ianto. When they were seated in the same booth as last week, Owen piped up.

"Oi, tea-boy. Where's Captain Innuendo?"

Shrugging, Ianto sighed. "Rift alert before we left. He'll be by soon."

The team nodded and looked to the stage. Caroline was singing as the other queens circulated the room.

As the applause died down, Caroline spoke. "I want all of you to give a warm, Queen's Crown welcome to Miss Glenn Harkness."

Ianto sprayed his beer across the table. "Did she just say Harkness?"

Mix reactions floated around the table as a red-haired beauty in a turquoise gown approached the mic. Jack smiled and waved at the little group, flash one long, smooth leg past the slit up the side. Killer heels made the already six-foot man tower over the crowd. He winked and blew a kiss to Ianto before belting out the beginning of 'Your Song', by Sir Elton John. The audience was captivated as he soothed over the words. As the song went on he gracefully descended, working the audience with mic in hand. He joined his group last, finishing the song by pulling Ianto to him and into a passionate kiss. Ianto wrapped his arms around Jack's waist; the crowd cheering wildly as he dipped him, sending a heel flying into Gwen's face. Jack placed a few more soft brushes against Ianto's lips before nibbling slightly.

"So, attracted to drag queens now?"

I hope everyone enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it. I adore Tosh, and if you aren't blind you saw a little Gwen bashing, one of my favorite things! Not sure how to go about the next chapter so be patient! Love to all the reviewers and readers!

~Dai

P.S. John Barrowman does sing this song on his album 'Another Side', for those who don't know. I highly recommend listening to it, seeing as it was the inspiration for this plot!