Chapter 37 : OBJECTION!

The scenery around us changed drastically as Edward declared his need for divorce. Suddenly we were plunged down, falling like I had before, but I was too in shock to begin masterbating to save my life. Fortunately, the melted butter provided us with a soft, slippery landing point as we crashed into the coutroom.

"Judge Judith Sheindlin presiding!" a voice boomed out. "This is the case of Isabella Marie Swan Cullen vs. Edward Anthony Masen Cullen." I heard the stamping of a typewriter as our names were printed below us, floating in mid-air as if by magic.

Judge Judy lowered her glasses, glaring over her nose at the two of us. Our companions stared silently on from where they had nearly fallen into the chairs behind the jury. "You're all idiots," she stated.

"Hey… hey… HEY!" Edward sounded wounded by her sharp words. "I'm not an idiot!" he poked his skull as he spoke. "I have the mind of an Elephant! Elephant!"

I watched Edward's proud face fall as Judge Judy said something snarky and rude to him, causing him to quickly stop tapping his skull in emphasis of the word elephant. It was a relief and a curse all at once. I had heard of this woman before. My father, Charlie, who I never actually call dad because I am too mature and grown up to do such things to, was a connoisseur for courtroom dramas. He would often come home from a long day of policing around some forks (literally, a pile of forks that he kept in the middle of the office) and tell me about the latest judicial rulings as I, like a good female, would cook his supper, clean his laundry and do all menial household chores.

"They got 'em gud!" he'd grunt as he stuffed steaks down his larynx. "They got 'em good."

"I OBJECT!" Edward yelled in retort of Judge Judy's snarky comment, several seconds after she had made it. It needed to coincide with my interior monologue and flash back about my father that I don't like to refer to as dad or any other word that might relate to paternal-child relationship.

"Over ruled," Judge Judy called.

"YOU'RE OVER RULED!" he screamed back, passion and tears flowing from his eyes.

"Mr. Cullen! You will show me some respect when you're sitting in my courtroom!"

"Yeah...Oh yeah! Well, yeah! Well… DUNK DUNK!" Edward made the noise from Law and Order in which the black screen comes up for them to switch scenes. "Now we're not in your courtroom! We're in an apartment in the Upper East Side!" he cocked his head back and forth and snapped in Z formation.

"See?" I gestured to Edward as he shifted smugly in his seat. "This is what I'm talking about! He's dumb!"

"FIE!" Edward cried, pointing a finger at me. "You wretched…POOPY HEAD!"

"Mr. Cullen!" Judge Judy began only to have Edward slam his hands over his ears.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" he screamed. "I MADE THE DUNK DUNK SOUND FROM LAW AND ORDER! WE'RE NOT HERE ANYMORE!"

There was a short silence, no one really knowing how to accept this.

"He's right," Jacob said after a time. "We are in an apartment in the Upper East Side."

We all glanced about, looking around wildly. Despite never believing it would be true, we suddenly found ourselves in an apartment in the Upper East Side.

"Oh, Sorry crack addicts," Edward bowed gracefully to the not-well-off family staring back at us. "I was just in court to get a divorce, you see, when I decided to make the DONK DONK! noise, you know, from Law and Order, and then we were here. I didn't mean to intrude, but you know how these things work."

They clearly did not know how these things worked. They glanced around at each of us in turn. Edward, with his perfectness radiating out like a cancerous growth. Jacob with his abs. Paula Deen with her butter. John Guevernmont with his ducky tie and chalk-stained shirt. The Situation also with his abs. R. Kelly with his soulful sounds. Judge Judy with her angry, prune-like face. And lastly… me. Me with my normal, boring, human self.

"What the fuck?" the presumably more sober of the group asked.

"Shit's laced, bro," a shorter member nodded.

"Ace, bro."

"Mmmmhmmm."

"Well, we'd better get going!" Edward nodded jovially, giving a friendly wave. "DONK DONK!" he sang, his head making the fancy movements. Once again, we were transported through the power of song.

"Welcome to the Feinstien I-Max Theatah," a young girl chewed her gum in our general direction. "Are you lookin' to get tickets or somethin? The next show is in a half an houah."

Her Rhode Island accent diddled our earholes like a well trained pornstar. Despite everything, we had finally arrived at our destination. I sprung to my feet, pulling out my Feinstein Junior Scholar card, holding it up proudly.

"I'D LIKE TICKETS PLEASE!" I said, a bit too loudly for the location. "RIGHT NOW! I NEED TO GET INTO THAT THEATER!" I fell against the counter, grabbing the girl by her collar. "You don't understand!" I shook her slightly, forcing her to look me in my crazed eyes. "I have been married for days and I have not yet orgasmed." I shook her harder to press the point home. "NOT. YET. ORGASMED! GET ME IN THAT THEATER!"

"BELLA!" Edward gasped. "THIS IS NOT A THEATER OF ILL REPUTE! Alan Shawn Feinstien would never show I-Max pornography!"

I whipped my hair back and forth, smacking the girl in the face with the force of my hair until I finally settled my crazed gaze on Edward. "YOU THINK THAT IS MY PLAN! YOU THINK THAT IS WHAT I WANT? EDWARD! YOU ARE NO ELEPHANT!"

I could see the daggers my words slung into Edward's heart. He fell back against the wall, dropping to his knees into a sorrowful weep.

"Bella! Your word...they cut...they cut me deep. THEY CUT ME LIKE A SPEAR FROM THE ARMY OF ZULU HUNTERS!"

"Well, I'm sorry Edward, but if you really had the mind of an elephant. Elephant," I tapped my head twice for emphasis. "You would know that I wanted to get into the theater to try and find Farterella!"

"Farterella?" Edward looked off into the distance as if he was searching into the recesses of his mind for a distant memory. "Oh yes. The fart. Jacob's fart."

"FARTERELLA!" Jacob screamed, slamming some money on the table. "DADDYS COMIN' HOME BABY!"

"Well, really you going to bring her home, considering she's the one that left and all," I explained.

"God Bella!" Edward screamed. "DUMB!"

"What movie are we going to see?" John Guvermont asked as we all lined up behind Jacob to receive our 3-D glasses. "I'm quite knowledgeable about meanings and hidden themes in movies you know. Why, I would like to start a class or an after school club on it or something."

"We're going to see," Jacob stared down at the ticket. "Twilight!"

"TWILIGHT!" Edward screeched like a fan-girl for the Justin Bieber strip show. "I LOVE THAT MOVIE! THAT EDWARD CHARACTER IS SO ROMANTIC AND HUNKY! I''d suck his blood if you know what I mean," he chuckled, elbowing The Situation in the ribs."

"Yeah, dat Bella Swan charactah ain't so bad herself. She's kinda bland tho. Could use a little bit mo' of a tan. Den she'd be ready for the shore!" the Situation fist pumped with glee.

"I bet he could teach you two a thing or two about being a man," I muttered under my breath.

"I!" Edward stood with his hand upon his hips. "AM ONE HUNDRED PERCENT MALE! WHY LOOK IT HERE!" Edward began to unzip his pants. "Look, I'm wearing boxers. Only men wear boxers, Bella. God. Dumb."

"Yup Edward. You're a big, big man!"

"That's right! Everything about me draws you in. My scent, the way I look. My voice! I "M A MONSTER BELLA!"

"Must you say this every chapter?" I questioned.

"Yes. I can't stress it enough."

"Guys!" Jacob bounced up and down with excitement only a shapeshifter about to find his soul mate could have. "We can go in."

We walked into the theater and scanned the darkened room. This would be a night we would remember forever. Even more so than the night we dined in hell.