Wyatt and Michelle: Postpartum
Chapter Four: Baby's First Birthday
November 16
Dear Journal: Stevie's birthday is coming up in a couple of days and I wanted to make it very special. My little explorer has also started to speak in semi-coherent words instead of noises and gibberish. He says 'dada' for me, 'nana' for my mom, and 'meenee' for Michelle's mom, which I find hilarious. He's also starting to pull up on tables and couches preparing to walk. He hasn't quite started walking yet. I'm relieved about that. He can take all the time he needs. The gang has been tremendous with helping me plan this party and keep my life as stress free as possible. The beta blockers have been working as far as I can tell. Except they have the annoying side effect of insomnia. And just when Stevie got on a normal waking and sleeping schedule. I wanted to do a really big party for my son, but with the advice from my doctor about living stress free I reluctantly decided against it. We're having a small get-together at my apartment with cake and pizza. Maybe for his second birthday I can do something bigger. I was at the grocery store with the baby today and saw a pregnant girl who couldn't have been older than 20. She looked over at Stevie in his stroller and smiled. I smiled back. Little things like that make my day. It's like a secret parent's club. Tomorrow I'm leaving Stevie with Nikki so I can finish planning the party without so many distractions.
November 17
Dear Journal: Well, that was easy. I went to the party supply store with Caitlin, since she knows how to shop, and Jen helped me make itinerary and send out invitations. She promised not to invite too many people and to keep things simple. Tomorrow, my son will have been on earth for an entire year! I still can't get over how fast it went by. I know I should be the happiest person in the world right now, but all I can think about is Michelle. I know she's where she needs to be which is getting help for her post partum depression, but a small part of me wishes she was here with me. Not the creepy, catatonic Michelle, but the funny and feisty one I fell in love with and conceived my son with. I know I shouldn't hold my breath and expect her to be better and come home tomorrow, but I just see how fast Stevie is growing and I'm sort of afraid that Michelle won't be able to bond with him as easily when he gets older. I really should relax and just be happy, though. With or without Michelle, Stevie will have a good birthday party.
November 18
Dear Journal: Sorry if this is sloppy or doesn't make much sense, but I'm writing quickly so I won't forget any details of today! I wanted my son to have an unforgettable birthday party and I'm certain that today will be unforgettable, well, at least for me, anyway. This afternoon at around 12 pm my parents, Michelle's parents, Emma, and my friends all arrived at my apartment for the party. We started with games, went into gifts, and saved the cake for last. Stevie seemed to be having fun and got some nice gifts. Sorry if I'm rushing over minor details, but it gets more interesting. As we got to the cake and candles I was standing in front of the cake holding Stevie when we had gotten to the end of 'Happy Birthday' and I was about to help him blow out the candles, we all heard a knock at the door. I was so pissed. Just when we got to the good part! I handed Stevie to Nikki and went to get the door since I'm the one who actually lives here. I opened the door and just stared for a second. I felt like I was looking into a picture from the past. I shook my head and gained my composure and realized who I was looking at. It was my son's mother. I'm sure that at some point she asked to come in and that I let her in and that she saw Nikki holding Stevie and asked to hold him and that Nikki asked me if it was alright and I said it was, but I really don't remember any of that. I was sort of in a fog from the time Michelle came to the door to the time that everyone left except for her and my mom. Finally, my mom sat us down after putting Stevie to bed. She asked Michelle how she felt and she burst into tears. She managed to choke out that she felt like she had finally walked out of a terrible, dark dungeon and had finally returned home. She also couldn't believe how she lost her pregnancy weight so quickly and felt as if she had never even had Stevie. My mom asked me how I felt and I couldn't answer her right away. Physically, I felt kind of tired from running around all weekend buying things for a party and then having a party. Emotionally, I felt numb. I always wondered what I would do if Michelle suddenly got better and started spending time with our son, but now that it happened I couldn't process it. I joked that I could finally stop calling her 'coat rack'. She just stared at me. I had forgotten that she didn't even know I called her that. Then Michelle asked me point blank if I thought it would be worth it for Stevie to know who she was after so long. In my mind I wanted to say 'no', because, from a logical standpoint, Stevie's still not old enough to remember much, anyway. She could come around when he turns three and he would never know she wasn't there. But deep down, I couldn't say that. When I looked at Michelle, I didn't see the coat rack anymore. Her hair was washed and curly like it used to be. Her face showed sincere emotion instead of blankness, and she was dressed quite nicely. In a bare midriff top, reminding me of her cheerleading days. This Michelle sitting in front of me was not the coat rack that I came to know and despise over the past year. I think she is the Michelle that gave birth to my Stevie and that held my hand so tight at a party last year where we all thought we saw a girl come back from the dead. I could never say anything to hurt this Michelle, so I told her she owed it to him to try and be a real mother. She agreed and said that she would try to be a great mother to Stevie and also get her GED and maybe go to college one day. She even suggested that she and I might be married one day if I would have her and accept her apology. I said I would and that I did. I thought that I would be filled with emotion or at least feel nervous after all of this, but I didn't. I still felt nothing. After my mom left and Michelle kissed me on the cheek and went to sleep over at her parent's house, I just sat up against the wall for about an hour. Feeling, hearing, thinking, smelling absolutely nothing. Later, I burned my wrist with a cigarette lighter just to see if it was physical, too. It isn't. Maybe I'll just blame my lack of feelings on this long exhausting day and the beta blockers. Hopefully, soon it will get better. I just hope for Stevie's sake Michelle will hold up her end and be a better mom.
November 25
Dear Journal: I guess the effect on emotion that the beta blockers have had on me are starting to wear off. This afternoon I came home from work to Michelle feeding Stevie while my mom was watching TV. I sighed and was relieved at what I saw. When my mom was about to leave, Michelle asked if she could get a ride to her parents' house. I told her she didn't need to do that and that she could stay here since it is still our apartment. She decided to stay and my mom left. Later, when we put Stevie down for a nap she started kissing me. Emotionally I was confused by this. But physically I, well, I wasn't. Michelle took notice of this and whispered in my ear. I blushed a little and then pushed her away. First of all, the last time I had done something like what she was suggesting was when she was pregnant. Second, I'm still not quite sure about how to handle the logistics of a screaming toddler disturbing us. And third, I love Stevie and all, but I'm not sure if I want to give him any siblings just yet. I told Michelle we needed time to reconnect and she needed time to get to know me again because I have changed so much since Stevie was born. I asked her out on an actual date and she said 'yes'. She then demanded that I take her to her parent's because she didn't think she could handle us being in the same place overnight. I reluctantly took her home and gave her a handshake instead of a kiss before she got out of the car. When she walked inside I glanced in the backseat at a sleeping Stevie and asked him how he liked his new mommy.
December 3
Dear Journal: Even though it was freezing outside tonight and I'm exhausted from work, I decided that I would take Michelle out on a date tonight. We dropped off Stevie with her parents and went to a fancy Italian restaurant in the mall. Things were awkward at first because all I could talk about were things Stevie had done or that had happened that Michelle wouldn't remember. Michelle finally started talking about her pregnancy and we finally got on a topic we both would remember. Things that seemed terrifying last year are somehow funny now. Then she mentioned something funny Stevie did today and mentioned that she loves him. I felt so happy to hear her say that I grabbed her hand and just held it while I stared at her. I had really missed her this past year, but I was too busy and too angry to notice it. We got back on subjects from the past and she hit me with something I hadn't thought about in ages. She asked me about her cousin that ran away with her boyfriend from the Home for Unwed Mothers and was never found. She wanted to know if there had been any new information since then. At first, I had no idea what she was talking about, but then I stopped mid-sentence and remembered. But I didn't tell her. I just happened to sneeze into my hands at that exact moment and was able to leave the table to wash my hands. I made sure I stayed in there long enough for her to forget and I came back and showed her pictures from my phone of Stevie when he was still a few months old. That completely distracted her and we finished our date. I brought Michelle home with me after we picked up Stevie. We're cuddling underneath the covers of my air mattress right now. She's kissing me and trying to take this book away from me and...
December 4
Dear Journal: Last night was amazing. The brisk cold day was amazing. The date was amazing. Things that happened after the date were amazing. In the interest of prudence just in case anyone, namely Michelle, finds this book and reads it I'll only write briefly about what happened last night: Apparently the logistics of love making with a sleeping child in the room aren't as complicated as I previously thought! My life is so great right now. I think that things are finally starting to return to normal around here.
December 18
Dear Journal: I know I haven't written in a while, but I've been so busy with work, Stevie, Michelle, my friends and the upcoming Christmas holiday that I haven't had much time to write. Things are still amazing. My girlfriend and I are over the moon in love. More in love than we were when she got pregnant, no doubt. It seems like Stevie is bonding with her quite nicely as well. A couple of days ago when I got home to just Michelle and Stevie I saw Michelle crying and got worried. When I asked her what was wrong, she said 'nothing'. A typical girl answer. Then I went over to her, kissed her forehead and asked again. This time she looked up at me with the biggest smile and said, "Stevie called me 'mama' today." It was such a great moment. In other news, I think I may be getting sick. I thought I was getting a cold a couple of weeks ago, but it went away as quickly as it came. I hope it's like that this time, too. I can't afford not to go shopping or take Stevie to see Santa when Christmas is coming up so quickly. I also have to get a very important Christmas gift for Michelle, but since it's still possible that she might read this, I'm keeping it a secret for a while.
December 25
Dear Journal: It's Christmas! I haven't written this past week because I actually did end up getting sick. I'm much better now, but if it wasn't for Michelle and both of our parents I don't know if we could've made it to Christmas. My mom took Stevie to stay with her and Michelle rounded up all my friends and delegated them to all the tasks that needed to be done. She and Jen did butt heads a little from what I heard, but it wasn't too bad. Jonesy and Jude put up our tree and Jen and Caitlin did the Christmas shopping while Michelle basically took care of me. I feel so bad for missing work and not getting quality time with Stevie leading up to today, but that all changed when Michelle gave me my Christmas present this morning. It was a picture of Stevie at the mall with Santa Claus. It was pretty much all I wanted for Christmas. I wanted Stevie to have a good time since this is the first Christmas that we're all here as a family and nobody is a coat rack. I had just enough energy on the 20th to buy Michelle's special Christmas present and give it to her mom for safe keeping until today. I just got it back from her mom and I'm planning on giving it to her later today before everyone leaves.
So...I have great news as of three hours ago! I gave Michelle her Christmas gift right before everyone left, and she loved it! I knew she would be happy, but I didn't expect her to jump up and down like a little girl. Everyone complimented how good I am at getting gifts and that I was able to keep it a secret for so long. I even got a kiss under the mistletoe for it! Everyone's gone now, and she just can't stop staring at her gift. We're supposed to be cuddling, but she's so enamored with this thing. I almost wish I had given her something else. But when I look at her all I can see is how perfect she looks wearing it and I know I made the right decision. I know the guys were a little shocked when I told them what I was getting her. They all thought it was too expensive and too early to get a gift like that, but I knew in my heart I was prepared. I just had to get the mother of my child the best gift I could think of. So I got her the only other thing in the world that matters to me besides our son. I gave Michelle the gift of myself. I pulled out my heart and offered it to her for the rest of her life. Granted, it came in the much more portable and less messy shape of a diamond ring that I've been saving up for since Stevie was born. I kept saving despite what happened because I just knew deep down that she would come back to me sooner or later and I didn't want to risk not having it ready. I truly love this woman and even though I could have waited a little longer to ask her, I couldn't bear the thought of this ring getting lost or just driving me mad any longer. This has been, by far, the best Christmas ever!