Chapter 38: Let's Go To The Movies, Let's Go See The Stars!
We filed into the Feinstein IMax theater like sheep being filed in to the slaughter house. The walk up to the seats passed us by a dapper man in a tweed suit.
"Is that Alan Shawn Feinstein?" Jacob whispered.
"Yes kids, it's me. Alan Shawn Feinstein," Alan Shawn Feinstein turned on his heels to face us as we entered. "Welcome to the IMax theateah. Please take yeah seats. And prepah yourselfs for da best film of all time. But not befoah I give youz a little talk about da youfs of Rhode Islan'."
"Come along," John Guevernmont ushered us to our seats. "You stay away from that man, Bella. You stay away from him."
"What? Why?" I asked. "Isn't he just some local lame philanthropist who blesses us all with his wonderful good deeds and kind of pathetic little band that visits grade schools?"
"Well… Yes," John shrugged a bit. "But we're NOT all a family under one sky. I question his motives… AND HIS LIES."
"So you don't want equality?"
"But there isn't equality, Bella! Haven't you ever woken up and felt so much better than everyone else? Maybe that's just me. You know, because I teach at a Catholic school, I realize, that I'm an intellectual. And as an intellectual, I can't enjoy in the same things normal people do. Like once…"
"You cried in the Dunkin Donuts parking lot. Yes, yes. I know," I sighed. John Guevermont was a broken record. A self praising broken record.
"And now!" he eyes overflowed with tears. "I'll add the Alan Shawn Feinstein I-Max theater to the list!" he burst into loud dramatic sobs.
"BELLA!" Edward ran up the stairs and wrapped John in to a cradling hug. "How dear you make this wonderful, wonderful man cry!"
"But, I...I...I didn't!'
"THAT'S RIGHT BELLA! YOU DIDN"T DO ANYTHING! YOU'RE GOOD FOR NOTHING! That's why we're getting that divorce!"
Edward's words cut me deep. Cut me like grade school safety scissors through some green felt.
"Ouch." I said quietly holding a hand to my bosom. "Why'd you have to do me like that?"
Edward's perfect features softened as he laid a comforting hand upon my shoulders. "Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind Bella. Which is why I had to leave you! I was trying to be kind, Bella! Kind, because I could hurt you if you come too close, which you will because everything about me draws you in! My face, my voice, my looks, my smell! I'M A MONSTER BELLA! STAY AWAY!" he shielded his face and leaned towards the other side of the seat.
"GUY, GUYS! QUIET!" Jacob whispered harshly as the theater lights began to dim. "It's starting!"
A soft spotlight shined onto the corner of the theater once the houselights had gone out. Alan Shawn Feinstein was doing some soft-shoe under the light, holding a cane and bowler hat. We all watched in stunned silence as he began an interpretive dance, reflecting his feelings towards the youth of the state and how proud he was of them. It was absolutely beautiful, and managed to capture his perfect accent, as well as his slightly off-putting pride. When he reenacted Ari, telling us that all of us were loved, I shed a tear.
The lights once again went out and we glued our eyes to the massive, four story screen in front of us. All the breaths in the audience were held as the SMELL-O-VISION 3D logo popped up on the screen, not wanting to spoil the opening credits and fragrances.
"Oh man, oh man," Jacob began panting heavily, not able to contain his excitement and glee. "Oh man oh man oh man!"
"Easy boy," Situation scratched a bit behind his ear to try to calm him down. It didn't work. Jacob kicked at the seat in front of him with his foot as he got worked up.
I took a deep breath through the nostrils as soon as the opening song began to play. The smell-o-vision was really making the movie more realistic for me. I watched as the cameras soared around my small hometown of Forks Washington, the smell of rained-on animal poop and slightly rotted trees bringing me back to home. It was oddly comforting after being away from home for so long. I grew dangerously complacent and relaxed.
"OH. MY. GOD." Jacob slammed his fists on the shared arm rests. The lead character, Fella Swamp had just come on the screen, biting her lip and releasing the krakken from her colon. "FARTERELLA! WE FOUND YOU!"
"Oh my god!" Edward fanned the tears from his eyes. "True love is so beautiful! I'm sorry," he shieled his face from the rest of us. "I can't help but cry when the union of two people meant to be together happens! IT"S TOO BEAUTIFUL!"
"FARTERELLA!" Jacob banshee screamed as he took of down the stairs in a sprint. He jumped up to the screen only to bounce of the wall and back to the ground. "FARTERELLA!" he screamed trying to gain access into the movie once more. He tried several more times before collapsing on the ground in a fit of sobs. "WHY?" he threw his hands up to the heavens, tears streaming down his cheeks.
"It's okay man," Edward moved the pat Jacob on the back. "I know that feel bro."
"NO!" he pushed Edward's hand away. "YOU DON'T KNOW! YOU HAVE YOUR SOUL MATE, BELLA! SHE RIGHT THERE! SEE?" he pointed up the stadium theater seats to where I sat, nestled between John Guevermont and R. Kelly.
"Bella?" Edward stared up the seats, looking off into the distance as if I was a faint memory in his past before bursting into laughter. "BELLA? My soulmate? Now I've heard….wait a second! SHE IS MY SOULMATE! COME TO PAPA BABY!" he took off up the stairs.
I wish that, in this moment, I could honestly say that I fled. That I ran from the spot. After knowing all that Edward had put me through, how could I stay in one place and let him continue our painful romance? I would be a fool not to flee.
It was in that moment I found it all to be true. All he had ever told me. Everything about him lured me in. His face, his voice, his smell. He was a monster and I, Bella, could not stay away.
"Oh Edward!" I swooned as his perfect body bounded up the awkwardly small staircase towards my person. "Edward, let us never part again! I was about to go sit in the sun room, for several months on end as the soundtrack of my life dramatically played on and month names flashed before my eyes!"
"I know, baby, I know," he took my hand from inside the popcorn bucket. "Don't cry baby. Yeh shoulda picked me. YEH SHOULDA PICKED ME!" My heart was won over as he once again quoted from the I Love New York season 1 finale. How could I ever doubt my love for this man? This vampire? He was perfect in a way that only Joseph Smith was perfect, if not more prefect than that.
"I do pick you!" I cried as I fell into his arms.
"This is so nice!" R. Kelly's soulful voice serenaded. "Imma sing ya'll a song." he began singing Feelin' on Yo' Booty, as Edward and I slow danced. As he crescendoed to the Boohootay part Edward and I locked lips for the first time since this wild honey moon had began.
"Well, isn't this lovely!" Jacob's voice cut through the romantic interlude. "While you two just have...HAVE SEX, in this public place, I am without my fart!" he screamed before running from the theater in a fit of sobs.
"You know what we have to do Bella?" Edward's voice caressed my ears.
"I know," I sighed as we all followed after Jacob. We had to find his fart.
I had expected that the fart would be easily located once we got to the IMax. While I can't exactly remember why we went there in the first place, it seemed like it would be the final destination in this whole event. I had not anticipated that the Fart would be the star in the pictures, but rather I anticipated the fart would be among us, watching the pictures. Enjoying them.
"Where to now?" I asked, panting slightly as we ran after Jacob throughout the slightly confusing layout of the Providence Place Mall, skipping down the badly positioned escalators.
"Bella Swan," a snooty fake-British accent worked its way into my ears. "YOU'RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!"