Disclaimer: Torchwood and Primeval belong to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Six ← The real chapter six

…

Ianto Note: Jack may not add "In accordance with the prophesy" to the end of any answer.

…

For those who knew the sensitive inner-workings of Torchwood, they also knew that Jack Harkness was an immortal from the 51st century. Even if said person did not know what planet , or exact date, the former information had never really been classified. This gave Jack an edge against disaster. Being from the future, he knew many past events through his experience with the Time Agency and travels with the Doctor. Inevitably, said knowledge came in handy often.

However, Jack liked to abuse this knowledge. Ever so often, fashion conscious Gwen would buy a bad trend. Tech savvy Tosh would accidentally transform one object into another. Ianto would label an artifact incorrectly. All because Jack would play his knowledge against them.

None of them, however, would forget the night Jack turned Rhys into a paranoid fool.

Typical Saturday. The Queen's Crown. And no, Ianto did not like sharing Jack in drag. That little game was strictly reserved for home after the purchase of frilly knickers. The team sat in their usual booth, a pitcher for all around. In the cusp of a terrific song the pairs would take the floor, dancing away thoughts of weevils. A tipsy Ianto swayed against a tipsier Jack, both giggling at the sight of Tosh nervously trotting on Owen's toes. Not that the dead medic could feel it anyway.

At the end of the song they retreated back to the booth. They all sat in their usual layout, only with Ianto in Jack's lap. Tosh smiled at the outward affection the normally subdued men. Her skin tingled as Owen caught her eyes and took her hand in his. The chill of his hand on hers was a welcome addition to the peaceful night.

Then Jack had to fuck it up.

"Mam's like a ticking time bomb! Just waitin' to explode!" Rhys exclaimed. "But when we get children, you'll be the same. Honest to god bomb."

"In accordance with the prophesy," Jack finished.

While their friends laughed, Ianto only sent a confused look to his boyfriend. "What prophesy?"

"Nothin, baby."

The laughter halted.

"Jack, is there something we should know?" Tosh asked, nervous eyes shifting between him and Gwen.

"Nah," he brushed it off. "Future stuff. Timelines. Etcetera."

"So I blow up?"

"I never said that."

"You said something about a prophesy, cariad," Ianto asked confused.

"Future stuff. Don't worry about it."

"How can we not worry?" Rhys clutched his wife.

"It's perfectly normal!" Jack countered.

"Not on this planet, mate!" In a panic, the terrified Welshman pushed his wife out of the booth and out the doors, peering around each corner. Watching stunned, Tosh broke the silence with a happy squeak. Before anyone could ask what was wrong, Tosh had dragged Owen outside, waving as she left.

"Well that was weird." Ianto commented.

"Yup," Jack agreed. "I mean, what's so bad about exploding? My goal is to make you explode at least once a night," he smirked.

His lips formed a perfect 'o'. "That was cruel, cariad."

The immortal chuckled and leaned in for a kiss. "I heard Gwen complaining about her sex life the other day. She's jealous. You, know? So, when tired of suffering from migraines because one woman won't stop whining, light a fire under her husband's ass."

Returning the kiss, Ianto chuckled. "How very long-winded."

"And you love me for it."

…

Unfortunately, that was not the last time Jack decided to be a prat. Their captain seemed to find it endlessly entertaining to add snippets of information about the future, or hiding said information with "well I can't tell you that!" It was all very annoying.

And then, it became plain ridiculous.

For the team of alien hunters, it was an average day. Owen was up to his elbows in otherworldly sludge, Tosh was simultaneously playing computer games and hacking the UNIT databases, Gwen was on her mobile with Rhys while filling out her latest report, and Ianto was trying to finish archiving the newest batch of alien tech...TRYING. On these slow days, when no aliens had decided to slip through the rift, and it was raining too heavily to even go outside, the 51st century man was forced to create him own entertainment.

Big mistake.

Surprisingly enough, Jack had already finished his own work, and was currently iron his beloved coat, knowing that Ianto loved when the thick folds were crisp.

"Jack? I was wondering if you knew what this was?"

Speaking of his angel. Ianto was at his door, holding a clumsy thing, colored like dark blue marble and about a meter long with the thickness of a wine bottle. This could be fun.

"Techniagile destroyer. They are manufactured for black market only. Nordax 7 classifies them as highly dangerous, capable of turning even full grown mess into sobbing messes. Well, in accordance with the prophesy."

Ianto's eyes shot from Jack to the thing in his hand, before pitching it to the floor. He pulled a small set of tongs from his pocket, kept for dangerous materials, and picked the object up once more.

"What prophecy?" The slight warble in the Welshman's voice was not lost on him.

"Don't worry about it-shouldn't've said anything anyway." Jack turned to hide his smirk as his lover took to the steps, keeping the alien item at arms length.

"Well, it doesn't look like much to me," Gwen said.

At Tosh's insistence, Ianto had cautiously laid the device on the conference table for the others to investigate. So far, Gwen had theory of it being some sort of police baton, while Tosh figured it must have been more like a piece of ship weaponry. The prophecy part was what frightened them. At any moment, it could go haywire, perhaps killing them all.

"Alright, alright! What the hell have you lot been nutters about today?"

"Techniagile destroyer," Gwen states with a hint of awe. "According to Jack there's some sort of prophecy about it."

With dubious eyes, Owen took it in. From one end to the other he ran his hand down the cold object. His face crinkled when he felt it heat and begin to hum. "Bloody hell, you're a sick man Harkness."

"Owen? What is it? Are you alright?" Tosh rushed to his side in concern.

There was a burst of laughter at the doorway. The team turned to see their leader huddled over in mirth, shrieking when Owen threw the product at him. Still cackling, Jack picked it up and approached Ianto. Placing the Welshman's hand on the object, realization cast an aghast shadow over his features.

"What's going on then? Is it dangerous, Jack?"

"No Gwen," Ianto interjected, slapping his lover harshly on the shoulder. "It's a bloody sex toy."

So...long time no see? Hope you like Jack's latest adventure. The next chapter is halfway done!