Disclaimer: Torchwood and Primeval belong to the BBC. The Skippy List isn't mine either, but you know what? I have bananas. And bananas are good!

This is an adaptation of the Skippy list to suit my needs. Most points on the list will have their own chapter unless I want to mash them together.

What Jack is No Longer Allowed To Do At Torchwood

Chapter Seven

…

Ianto Note: Jack is not allowed to post images of UNIT officers/officials to criminal war posters.

…

Contrary to popular belief, Jack actually liked PC Andy. Just because Jack didn't like the system, or some of the ass-holes responsible for the running of said system, didn't mean all of them were pests. He viewed the impressionable constable as a stray puppy. One that flourished under guidance, and praise.

Which meant without saying that he did not tolerate when people kicked his puppy. Quite literally, kicked, his puppy.

It happened the day UNIT tried to get involved. The police had quarantined the area. Eyewitness accounts claimed something had fallen from the sky in "a burst of fiery hell", to quote Andy as Torchwood arrived on the scene. It had been rather routine. Jack flirted, Andy, twitching, asked if he was serious, and Ianto threatened decaf. Same old, same old. Deja-vu.

But UNIT liked to stick their noses where they don't belong.

It was worrying enough that Jack didn't express excitement at the sight of the red caps. In fact, as they approached the rest of the team could only recoil. Jack's seething body language was certainly abnormal. The closer the caps became, the redder his face became. A man, boy really, stopped before them; blocking their path. Jack became livid.

"What the hell could be so important that UNIT decided it needed to get involved?"

"Orders, Captain Harkness," replied the young soldier. Usually, the captain would have noticed the dark, brown eyes and thicket of dark, straight hair. The obvious Spanish accent. But today, he wasn't buying it.

"Who's orders?"

"Captain Shuever's, sir."

Jack's hand curled, knuckles cracking. "Tell your captain that you have been relieved. Now get out."

The Spaniard scurried to a nearby platoon, head blending into the crowd of UNIT caps. Torchwood could only follow as their captain plowed ahead, parting soldiers like the Red Sea. Past the yellow police tape was a metal apparatus, large, shaped like a winged box. Andy had trotted behind, making his way to a beastly man covered in scars. The giant glanced their way, before backhanding the small constable to the ground, swiftly kicking his stomach. Fearing the worst, Torchwood ran over. Gwen held Andy steady as Owen checked vitals, the other's had their weapons trained the attacker.

"What the hell did'ya do that for?" Gwen shrieked. Andy chose then to lean towards Owen, emptying the contents of his belly.

"This is a UNIT investigation! Torchwood has no business here; as I told the police! The bastard didn't listen! "

"And you literally kicked a man while he was down," Jack sneered. "I fail to see how what he did was worse!"

"I don't know what kind of freak show they've got you running under the sewers but UNIT is a highly efficient operation. One person doesn't listen, five people get killed. I demand obedience from everyone under my current command. In this instance, Cardiff police included," the man drew in closer, hissing. "Now get out of my sight!"

"I'll be in touch," Jack eyed the man's nametag. "Captain Shuever."

…

Under Jack's orders, Tosh stole the information UNIT had gathered that night. Humming happily to herself, she compiled the data neatly, filled in blanks, and cross referenced the reported findings. Owen had praised the job, joking that UNIT had taken the legwork out of Torchwood. The three field agents were then allowed home for the evening, giving Ianto and Jack time alone.

"Alright, cariad. What did you do?"

The older man feigned shock, one hand over his heart. "You would accuse me? On what grounds?"

"On the grounds that you hate losing and are planning revenge...if you haven't already done so," Ianto glared at his lover.

Smiling, Jack sauntered over, placing a passionate kiss on his lips. "Mmmm, but you know how being naughty affects me."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Everything affects you."

"Can't help that you're sexy."

"Jack-"

He pouted, twining his arms around his young lover; letting Ianto rest his head on Jack's broad shoulder. "He isn't hurt, I promise. Just a taste of his own medicine."

…

It went viral. The moment Torchwood logged on the next morning, there it was. The United Kingdom had issued an emergency warrant for presumed war criminal Captain Archibald Shuever. Offenses seemed to be endless, a hotline for reward was posted, and most shocking of all- the warrant had been mandated by the Queen.

Owen lept to the television where, sure enough, the horrible UNIT captain was handcuffed and forced into a small squad car. The car belonging to one Andy Davidson. Andy smiled at the camera, and winked.

So it's rather short, but I thought it was funny and sweet. And yes, maybe it is a bit over the top, but t is my list. Hope everyone likes it!

~Dai