In which I finally answer the question my reviews have been asking about since chapter one, forcing me to wonder if I'll get any more reviews after this, now that you have nothing left to ask? Once again, a million thanks to Leafygirl for her mad beta skillz.
Never in her life had Haruhi ever felt the need to avoid anyone. Even when she suffered the bully problem in sixth grade, she had believed in facing her problems instead of running away. She was willing to confront anything that would challenge her, because it was the fastest solution to any problem, and she was a problem solver.
And yet, she found that she was avoiding Nekozawa.
She stayed away from the second library where she knew he lurked in the biographies section, slipped down separate corridors if she happened to see him in the hallway, and dared not go near the art department. She just couldn't bring herself to face him. Not yet.
It was exhausting and really very embarrassing, and she felt every day like she was becoming a worse person for doing it. She didn't want to feel like she had to sneak around, and hated the feeling of not wanting to see someone. It irritated her endlessly that she was behaving this way. But she simply had no other answers.
He had kissed her. And he had meant it. And now she didn't know what to do. It never occurred to Haruhi that Nekozawa had these feelings before which were now blatantly obvious. But why would it have? They were friends, study mates, nothing more, or so she thought. And now she was forced to ask herself questions like, had he been planning to kiss her? Or did it just happen? The look on his face afterward implied the latter, or could that have been his reaction to the look on her face- which was probably something akin to shock and embarrassment? It just didn't seem to make sense. She never would have believed it, before, but it couldn't be denied now. Whichever it was, it spelled trouble for Haruhi. She hadn't anticipated their relationship ever being anything other than friendship. And then he had to go and start crossing lines.
She shouldn't have run away. She shouldn't be running away. She needed to talk to him. She needed to turn him down, and maybe it wouldn't be too late to save their friendship. She really did want to salvage that- in the last few months, he had become a good friend, much like her club members. It would be terrible if that were to be destroyed, after they had become so close. There were still so many more things she wanted to talk with him about, books and poetry and philosophy and all of it, she didn't want anything to change. There had to be a way out of this as painlessly as possible. But she would only succeed if she acted soon, and it would have to be soon, because leaving Nekozawa alone after such an incident for too long could only make things worse. She couldn't hide forever.
But saying was easier than doing. She could tell herself these things all day- be strong, have confidence, it's time- but she just couldn't bring herself to come face to face with him.
She was usually so honest and blunt, because she believed in getting straight to the point, and that flowery, exaggerated prose was just a waste of time and made things confusing. But if Nekozawa really did have some feelings for her, then she would hurt him. Haruhi didn't want to hurt him. She just couldn't bear the thought of seeing sadness in his ocean coloured eyes. Oh, why hadn't she noticed his feelings sooner, so she would have had the chance to define their friendship early on like she'd done with Kasanoda?
She was afraid to break Nekozawa's heart. But had this been the only reason for her discomfort, she would have sought him out already. After all, Haruhi had turned down boys before, even good friends, and it couldn't be good for their friendship that she was waiting so long. There was more holding her back this time. And that was what confused her the most. Some part of her was fighting her inevitable rejection. The same part of her that warmed her cheeks when she thought of his eyes, his voice, his fingers; the same part of her that sped up her heart when she thought of the kiss. Somewhere, she was thrilled that he was attracted to her. And that same part of her was devastated that Nekozawa thought that Haruhi was a boy.
She should have considered that this truth would only make it easier for her to turn him down. After all, if he wasn't interested in girls, there would be no issue, and they could go on as friends, though surely he would be a little confused at first. But instead of focusing on this, Haruhi could only manage to be disappointed. It hurt a little to think that Nekozawa was only interested in her out of some misunderstanding (or worse, even- a lie). It hurt a little to think that he would be appalled by the idea of kissing her again.
But it was impractical to think this way. She needed to ignore that little part of her, reject it, shove it away, because it would only bring unnecessary drama, and she just wanted to study. Let the rich kids have their theatrical relationships and soap opera love stories, and she would go on as she had been, because that was what was important. Now was not the time for dating. It only confused priorities, and noteveryone in this school had a trust fund to fall back on. Surely he would understand that.
Haruhi knew she would have to talk to Nekozawa soon, and explain the truth to him. She had to. Because she knew that if she didn't, and he came to her, with that fire in his eyes, she would be able to do nothing to stop him. And it broke her heart.
And anyhow, she needed to return his book.
Despite her own personal turmoil, life went on as usual, as it had an obnoxious habit of doing. Whether she wanted to or not, Haruhi continued to go to class, do her homework, and attend club meetings. As she entered the third music room one afternoon, a little late as usual, she walked over to the supply closet to get some extra napkins for the snacks only to turn around to find herself facing the club vice president, standing directly in her way, the light reflecting off his glasses in a most menacing fashion.
"It's been about two weeks now," Kyouya began in a cold, practical manner, his eyes on the pages of his open notebook. "That's about time. Will we be seeing any more members of the Black Magic Club today?..."
For a moment, she felt a knot in her stomach tighten with anxiety. At first, Haruhi was surprised by his abruptness, but then sort of annoyed. She sighed in defeat, narrowing her eyes to emphasize her irritation. For some reason it hadn't occurred to her that Kyouya would have noticed and been documenting everyone who came into the club room, and might have noticed some pattern between the arrivals of members of the Black Magic Club She didn't know how many members he recognized, but she assumed he knew them all. Recently, every member but Reiko had been by at least once. Still though, she should have realized that of all people, Kyouya would be the first one to ask her about the Black Magic Club's sudden interest in her.
"Beats me," she replied standoffishly. "It's not like I'm inviting them." Haruhi scowled, moving to get around him. He let her by, turning smoothly to watch her back, a thin, wry smirk on his lips.
"I believe you," he responded coolly. "So what's bringing them here, then, I wonder…?"
She turned to glance at him over his shoulder, and he caught her eyes in his dark, piercing gaze, smiling his evil businessman smile. Then, without another word, he turned away, writing something down in his notebook as he walked. Haruhi sighed, and took the napkins over to the snack table Hunny had already fortified, and dropped them carelessly next to the teapot, frowning. The small senior looked at her with some concern, and then smiled as brightly as he could, as if the act alone would wash away all of her worries.
"Don't be mad, Haru-Chan!" he exclaimed in his uniquely adorable way. "Kyo-Chan is scary, but he wouldn't hurt you!"
For half a second, she thought she caught a glimmer in his eye that seemed to convey: I wouldn't let him. But it was so slight, it was gone before she even recognized it.
"Ah, no, it's nothing like that, Hunny-Senpai," Haruhi waved her hand dismissively, forcing an awkward smile. "He wasn't frightening me."
"Really? That's good!" he replied. Suddenly, his face changed, shifting his smile from radiated sunshine to a softer, wiser smile, that of a knowing elder.
"…But it issomething… right?" he asked. Haruhi's eyes widened momentarily, and then lowered, as if shamefully. Her shoulders slumped, and she tried smiling again, though pitifully.
"Hmm, I didn't realize I was being obvious," she replied abashedly. "It's nothing to worry about. Sorry for concerning you, Senpai."
"Haruhi."
She was startled by how seriously he said her name, as if he could read right through her. She suddenly felt very heavy, like the weight of everything was just too much. If her distraction was now obvious to her club mates, how much farther was this going to go?
Slowly raising her head she looked into Hunny's wide brown eyes as he smiled kindly, compassionately. He was so small it was easy to forget that he was her Senpai; the honorific rolled off her tongue automatically when she said his name, with no thought attached. For a moment she felt like she wanted to tell him everything, everything that was bothering her. But she decided against it.
"I'm… I'm sorry, Senpai," she bowed slightly, finally letting her frustration show on her face, followed quickly by a look of personal disappointment. "I didn't mean to be a cause for worry. Something has been bothering me, but I'll work it out."
"You promise?" he asked expectantly with an innocent smile. Haruhi took a breath and finally smiled for real, nodding. Hunny's usual bright smile returned to his face.
"Good!" he exclaimed. "Don't forget, now! It's a promise! Cheer up, Haru-Chan! 'Kay?"
He then turned on his heel and sped towards an awaiting group of girls sitting with Mori, and threw up his arms to announce his arrival, to which the girls squealed delightedly.
Haruhi sighed deeply. All right, then. Today. She would talk to Nekozawa today.
Stupid, stupid, I'm so stupid!
It had been too many days since Nekozawa had last seen Haruhi. Too many days to suffer his humiliation, too many days to wallow in regret. He still hadn't had a chance to apologize, to beg forgiveness, to explain that he hadn't been thinking, and to swear that it would never happen again… And worst of all, he knew he wouldn't get the chance as long as Haruhi deemed it so, because it was clear that she was avoiding him.
That was the most devastating part. He had seen her turn and walk the other way when they saw each other in the hallways, watched the way she carefully avoided areas where they'd met together before. Sadly, the look on her face when her eyes found him said that she wasn't retreating because she'd forgotten something back in the classroom. The idea that she couldn't even look at him anymore caused his heart to sink and his spirit to drop, and confused him as he thought back to that reckless act when he'd abandoned thought in favor of a single spontaneous act of physical closeness… because for a moment, he was sure that Haruhi had kissed him back.
Deliberating over this for too many hours eventually threw Nekozawa into a state of melancholy, and he knew he would never recover so long as she refused to speak to him. This was much worse than when he had lost Bereznoff.
The puppet in question, meanwhile, was delighted, much to Nekozawa's chagrin, not because of the boy's torment, but because the deity knew that now it would be much simpler to convince his partner to cast the magic spells that they both knew he was capable of using. In fact, the doll had been incessant in his demands that now, more than ever, would be the perfect time to call upon dark forces to aide him. Infuriatingly, Nekozawa continued to refuse. But Bereznoff was patient. He knew the boy was just being stubborn. As soon as Nekozawa was able to finally capture Haruhi's attention and Haruhi rejected him once and for all, there would be nothing left for poor Umehito to fall back on. And Bereznoff would be there for him then.
Unlike Haruhi, who kept her turmoil on the inside, Nekozawa wore his emotions like a coat, and it was soon quite obvious to his club members that something had gone horribly wrong. Their president's agitation combined with the way he winced whenever Haruhi was mentioned made it quite simple to deduce the cause of the problem. Nekozawa refused to talk about it, only managing to confirm through some clever use of words on Taro's part that it was indeed Haruhi that had put him in this state, but they couldn't get him to explain any further, which only suggested to his club mates that the fault probably lay with their exalted leader. Each of them tried to cheer him up, offering in turn to cast a love spell or if nothing else at least a curse. But one by one he declined, thanking them politely for the thought before returning to his moody lamenting in the darkness.
"He's so romantic!" Shinobu sighed dreamily, clasping her hands to her chest. "Pining for the one who broke your heart… how tragic!"
"As poetic as it may look, it's probably not very healthy." Tokumi frowned in response. "I wish he would talk to us. It can't be good to keep it locked up like that."
"Maybe he doesn't keep it locked up. Anyone know if he's got a blog?" Jun asked, sitting on the couch beside Tokumi to watch their club president's brooding like a sideshow. Taro rolled his eyes but Shinobu pondered the question seriously. Finally, Taro stood up, and wordlessly strode over to Nekozawa while the others observed in silent curiosity.
"I believe our darling Shinobu and I are in agreement on this matter," he began, smiling theatrically. Nekozawa glanced up to meet Taro's eyes, and encouraged, he continued.
"Yes, it's quite beautiful to see such a perfect tragedy. We have loved with a love that was more than love. Truly splendid! You must be terribly happy to be so romantically miserable!" He sighed dreamily, mimicking Shinobu's action only moments ago. "If only I knew how it felt to be you- to love so strongly that it renders you hopelessly despondent! It absorbs your every thought and action!"
"Hey, now-" Nekozawa finally piqued, becoming annoyed, "I'm not despondent! And there's nothing 'splendid' about this!"
"My heart aches to experience such exquisite pain!" Taro continued wistfully, ignoring his president's objections and his heated glare. "What I wouldn't give to have seen Haruhi's spectacular rejection! It must have been a veritable work of art! You truly are a hero, Umehito!"
"Stop this! This is ridiculous!" Nekozawa jumped to his feet and leaned threateningly over Taro, his blue eyes flashing angrily. "This isn't fun! I'm not enjoying this! You don't even have it right! There was no 'spectacular rejection', I just- I was just…"
"Oh, so, if Haruhi didn't reject you, he accepted your feelings?..."
"No! Haruhi didn't do anything!"
"He didnothing? You would think a person would react when someone is pouring out their heart to them…"
"I didn't do anything like that! Where are you getting this stuff?!" Nekozawa was becoming obviously flustered now, which some would consider a slight improvement.
"Oh, I think I see now!" Taro seemed to have a revelation. "You didn't say anything, and Haruhi didn't do anything… which means that you couldn't find the right words, so you attempted to express your feelings through action! But Haruhi didn't kiss you back, did he?"
"But Haruhi DID kiss me back! That's why I-" Nekozawa stopped cold, his face burning with embarrassment as he realized that he couldn't take back what he'd just confessed. The audience gasped and applauded as Taro was able to finally get the story out of their currently red-faced president, who had redirected his mortification to severe loathing. He was now vehemently planning tortures for the tricky performer the likes of which the world had never seen as he slunk back into his chair and attempted to disappear.
"Don't be embarrassed, Umehito, no one is judging you," Taro continued, smiling. "We just wanted to know what we could do to help you."
"I'm not listening, and I don't need your help," Nekozawa snapped gruffly, humiliation still etched on his features. "Also, I'm kicking you out of my club. Go away forever."
"Well, we're all very glad to hear that you don't need our help," Taro replied. "Because it means you have a plan. Would you care to indulge us?"
"There is no plan! There isn't anything!" Nekozawa rose to his feet again, cutting an impressively terrifying figure for a moment, his muscles tense and his eyes flaming with rage. "Haruhi doesn't want to talk to me! He hates me! He's been avoiding me since it happened! I don't know what to do about it, and I very much doubt any of you can help me!"
"Good!" Taro exclaimed, which heavily confused Nekozawa, and it showed on his face as the new emotion quickly replaced his ire. "You're angry! That's much better than sulking! Cry Havoc, and let slip the dogs of war! Now what will you do with this anger, Umehito?"
"Well,punching you comes to mind-"
"Wonderful! And then what? Now this sentence should include the name 'Haruhi' somehow."
"What can I do!?" Nekozawa broke down, the frustration and fear he'd been holding in all week was now clear on his desperate face as his eyes begged for an answer. Taro smiled compassionately.
"You can go find him right now before another minute passes!"
"But Haruhi won't speak with me!"
"He'll have to speak with you if you request his table at the Host Club!" Taro finally concluded with a satisfactory smirk. The rapt audience cried out in shock at this outrageous suggestion. Nekozawa's mouth opened and closed a few times, aghast.
"I can't- that would never- I can't just go in there!" he exclaimed, exasperated.
"You can and have before. This time is only barely different. Come on now, consider your options- go and find Haruhi where you know he is, or continue your admittedly artistic but ultimately meaningless brooding. What do you say?"
The room hushed. The Black Magic Club watched in anxious fascination as their president pondered this query. Nekozawa knew Taro was right. Staying here was completely unproductive, and only worsened his mood. He couldn't give up on Haruhi. He had even thought about going to visit her at the Host Club before, but he had been too afraid to try. Now, however, he had no more time for hiding in fear. He had to talk to her, even if he had to get angry with her. Because he was sure that she had kissed him back.
Having finally come to a decision, he looked at Taro, whose mask of wry indifference was cracking around the eyes with clear anticitaption- perhaps to know if his theatrical coaxing could come to fruition, or perhaps out of fear that Nekozawa really would punch him. The boy was rewarded was Nekozawa breathed a barely audible "Thank you" before sweeping quickly out of the room.
The Black Magic Club stared in awe at the door for a moment before turning back in amazement to Taro, who was smiling rather smugly.
"Wow," Jun began, breaking the silence. "That was the coolest thing I have ever seen, Taro. I take back half the mean things I've ever said about you."
Taro raised a curious eyebrow. "Only half?"
"Yeah, well…. You're still a ponce."
Despite her status in the club being upgraded to a host, Haruhi was still the club's dog, and was still required to run out and perform errands during down time. While mildly irritated that her friends were so quick to act their class when it came to restocking supplies, Haruhi was also able to admit that she WAS the one who broke the vase, and so she took this time as an opportunity to get away from the club for a few moments to enjoy a breath of fresh air and a little alone time to lose herself in thought.
She was barely halfway down the hall, however, when a voice stopped her dead in her tracks.
"Haruhi."
She felt her chest constrict as color rose to her face; she knew that she didn't need to turn her head to see who had called her. Nekozawa stepped out of the shadow of a pillar and directly in to her path, looking as anxious as she assumed she probably looked herself. He glanced around for a moment, as if making sure they were alone. Then, raising a hand to his head, he completely surprised her when he brushed his thin fingers through his hair.
Until his fair, champagne-coloured hair fell around his face and eyes, and his usual black locks were being tucked awkwardly into his sleeve, Haruhi realized that she had completely forgotten Nekozawa was wearing a wig.
Nekozawa bit his lip nervously, feeling exposed.
"I… I need to speak with you."
While to anyone else the act may have seemed peculiar, Haruhi correctly interpreted it as a sign of his sincerity. With a small sigh, she nodded, lowering her eyes. She knew that she had promised herself to have this talk with him today, but she'd expected to be ready. Still, no time like the present.
Nekozawa, meanwhile, was secretly thanking his lucky stars that he didn't actually have to go inside the club to find her. He'd heard about what happened when Ritsu Kasanoda had done that, and was loathe to share that fate. Somebody was looking out for him.
He lead her to a dark corner of the hallway, already feeling the weakening effects of having his wig off and his cowl down in broad daylight, but determined that she should take him seriously, if no other time than now. Haruhi followed in quiet understanding, not objecting to his choice of location. Finally, they stopped, and Nekozawa turned to her determinately, the very face of regret. He took a deep breath.
"Haruhi… Listen-"
"Nekozawa." She interrupted, and he stopped, clearly startled. Haruhi reached into her pocket. Whatever he had to say, it wasn't nearly as important as what she was about to reveal, because his reaction would determine whether or not he felt he needed to continue. She had unintentionally deceived him, as she needed to come clean. She was the wrong one, here- she was the one who needed to apologize.
Haruhi held up her school identification card for him to see, her gender in an obvious circle right by her name.
"I'm a girl, Nekozawa."
Nekozawa's mouth fell open in shock, and Haruhi could already feel her chest tighten with dread. He stared at the card for a moment, glancing back and forth between her and it. She continued, keeping her face blank.
"I'm sorry for misleading you. It wasn't my intention. I have my reasons for posing as a male student, and yes, the Host Club knows. I would appreciate if you didn't spread this around, but I felt you needed to know. It might… be important"
Nekozawa stared at her, perplexed. He seemed to be having a hard time digesting the information. Haruhi felt her heart speed up, awash with feelings of embarrassment and fear, her face burning.
"H-haruhi… you…" He stammered, his eyes wide. Haruhi couldn't do anything but stand there, silently apologizing, while her heart thundered against her ribcage and her blood pounded deafeningly in her ears. The world seemed to drown around her.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lie to you.
"..You mean, you…."
She wanted to say, I'm sorry for running away. I hope we can get past this. I hope we can still be friends. I like you, Nekozawa. But nothing came out. What would he do? Would he be angry? Would he be sad? Was this what she should have done? The tension she suddenly felt was so thick it was choking her, and if her heart sank any lower, it was going to be digested in stomach acid, she just knew it. Nekozawa's eyes met hers, his bewilderment still clear on his face, and she half hoped that she would just hurry up and die, just to get it over with.
"You…"
Here it comes, she thought, setting her teeth in nervous anticipation.
"…You thought I… didn't know?"
Haruhi reeled as the words hit her like a truck. She stood completely dumbstruck for a moment, staring at him in shock. Thought he didn't know? Were they talking about the same thing? What did he mean by that?
Was he saying- it couldn't be- that he had known all along?!
Nekozawa's expression lightened to one of relief and understanding, as if he had just realized the solution to a very complex problem. "I… I tried to give you some hints that I knew, but I didn't want to come out and say it- I mean, I thought you had caught on- oh my God, you must have thought I was- well no wonder you ran away!" He covered his face with one of his hands and chuckled at the entire situation. Haruhi was finally able to compose herself.
"How did you find out?" she asked mildly, hiding her surprise.
"When you all stayed at my summer house," he explained, "I noticed you were wearing a dress. And the others, the Host Club, they weren't shy about calling you 'princess' and 'she' and 'her', other things. I admit, I didn't even know it was a secret!" Nekozawa smiled in a charmingly bashful way. He then ran his fingers through his blond hair, and held up a lock for her to see.
"I think we both learned something interesting that night," he added, and although the silvery strands shone in the sunlight, his voice held a slight tone of wickedness that Haruhi associated with candles and darkness. It was familiar, and she found it oddly comforting.
"Well," she shook her head, as if trying to rattle her brain into cooperation. "That at least makes that easier. Have you… told anyone else?"
"Oh, no," he replied easily. "I assumed you had your reasons- as I have mine." He smiled slightly at that, raising an eyebrow. "So I refer to you as 'he' around others. You can trust me- I'm tremendously good at keeping secrets," Nekozawa finished darkly with a grin.
"I suppose you haven't proven anything but that," she shrugged. If he'd known the entire time and didn't say anything before, he certainly wasn't going to now. Still though, if he was able to just figure it out, then her club mates really were idiots. Did they want her to act like a boy, or a girl? It didn't matter to her but the duality was confusing.
A bead of sweat dripped down Nekozawa's face, and his breathing became shallower. He was beginning to feel a little dizzy. The sun was really starting to get to him. He wanted to pull his hood back up and find a nice dark room to recover in, before he embarrassed himself by passing out, but he still hadn't said what he came to say.
It took an abnormal amount of composure to do it, but Nekozawa drew himself up to his full height with royal grace, and bowed before Haruhi.
"Forgive me," he began sincerely. "I shouldn't have put you in that position last week. It was rude of me, and unfair to you. I won't let it happen again."
Haruhi was taken aback by his apology. Somehow, despite everything, she hadn't expected one from him. In fact, she had assumed that she would be the one who would need to apologize.
"Its okay," she sighed. "I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have avoided you afterwards. It was tactless. I hope we can still be friends?" she added questioningly.
He nodded with a vague smile, happy that she would be so quick to accept his apology.
"Of course. I would be honored to be called your friend."
Haruhi noticed that his voice sounded a little raspy. Not only that, but his skin was deathly pale, and he looked like he was shaking.
"Are you okay?" she asked with genuine concern. "I think you should get out of the sunlight."
"Ah- yes," he agreed meekly, wiping his forehead,
It struck Haruhi as interesting how he seemed so much more mild as a blond, compared to the self confidence he seemed to emanate while wearing his dark hair. She wondered just what the difference was.
"Well, then," he started, pulling his wig out of his sleeve, "I suppose I'll let you return to your club." Haruhi watched in curious fascination as, with a practiced hand, he brushed back his natural hair and deftly pulled his wig over his head in one swift motion. Not one hair was out of place. For a moment, the girl almost wanted to applaud such a talent.
Nekozawa turned unsteadily to leave, still suffering the debilitating effects of prolonged sun exposure as he pulled his hood down over his eyes, enveloping himself in comfortable darkness. With a last glance and a weak smile, he started down the hall, praying he would make it all the way back to the Theater Department without passing out..
"Nekozawa."
He stopped and turned back to Haruhi. She was looking at him very intently, and her steady gaze caused his cheeks to colour slightly.
"What you did last week," she began smoothly, "Did you mean it?"
There was no need to be shy now.
After a startled pause, his lips stretched into an honest smile.
"With all of my heart."
Haruhi blushed, momentarily speechless by his response, and Nekozawa's smile widened. Unfortunately, by some horrible curse, the fates seemed to decide that Nekozawa was just not allowed to be that cool, as he took a step forward, fell on to his knees, and promptly fainted dead away.