Author's note: Thank you to MarieYotz for her betaing services.
Heads up on some well seasoned language!
Much love to you all
Jane
….
Chapter 23
Fuck the woods and fuck the countryside and the whole of Maine too. Fuck this little town and nature and mostly, fuck September with winter already scenting the night air. Emma's boots pounded on the loose mulch covering the forest floor, broken twigs and animal droppings. The moon was full, high in the sky and it reflected off the Atlantic like in a film. Thank god for small mercies: she did not need a flashlight to see where she was going.
Ather punishing pace, Emma was at the convent grounds less than ten minutes after she left the mine. From under the trees that bordered the large building, Emma took a second to be daunted by the sheer size of the convent and how she had no idea where to start looking. Finding people was her thing. Hell, she was not so bad at finding things either. And right now, color her motivated. But the convent was huge. And inside, there was former fairy with god knew what powers. Who was a nun.
She crouched, assessing the best way in. She'd had a stint at a catholic orphanage. A scar or two to prove it. And some memories that made her jittery. There were too many doors and none of them looked exactly like a front door, with a Reception sign over it and she very much doubted she would find indications to the Mother Superior's room. But, looking at it, the room with the best view certainly had to be it. It always was. The heavy drapes and the throne like chair outside on the porch had to be fairly good indicators, so Emma bee-lined to that door.
This she would have to ask Regina -how come the fairies had it so good here? Sprawling grounds, sizeable accommodation, top notch view of the town and harbor… Why? She tried to slow her breathing and her heartbeat. Her body was so loud she could hear herself sweat. How much was the Blue bitch keeping an eye on things? Would she even bother with surveillance? Emma hadn't seen any cameras or motion detectors but then, with all the magic she was rumored to have, Blue could well have set up magical surveillance. And that was a worry because she had no way of knowing- unless, of course, she ended up frying on a magical barbed wire- and she really didn't really want to alert the Fairy. Not yet. She wanted to find the dust and she wanted to rub her sour face in it until the fairy begged for mercy. Or choked on it. Whichever came first.
This was when the movie-like moonlight was a pisser rather than a benefit. Emma took a deep breath and in a few more steps plastered herself to the wall of the porch. Right, okay. The soil crunched louder and louder under her boots until it was the only thing she could hear. She stood and draped herself over the porch, wormed her way to the door and reached for the handle.
In horror, Emma saw Blue come to the window and raise her curtain, looking outside, scouring the grounds as if she had been sure that there was someone out there. Emma glued herself against the wall, but her feet were still entirely too visible as were her hair, her skin and her jacket in a moonlit night.
Blue's brow furrowed and Emma knew for a fact she was busted. The fairy raised her wand and magic gathered around it, wisps of blue condensing into a dark cloud. Emma saw it. The flick of the hand and the way the magic was swirling around and around, gaining momentum like a lasso in a cowboy's hand. And it was deadly. Perfectly .
A shadow jumped out of the woods. A dog or a bear, dark as the nightexcept for the eyes. It jumped into the garden right in front of Emma and snarled at the window, paced and whined in a low plaintive sound. Forget about magic. This was a teen horror film and she was the blond cheerleader that went alone into the deep dark woods to be eaten by an overgrown wolf.
Well, double fuck!
Magic was gathering in Blue's wand; the creature's hackles rose, threatened by the magic gathering in the wand and the whine became a yowl and a growl. The fairy aimed at the creature with that magic, using it like a whip, a wide gesture that Emma could see from the corner of her eye. The creature retreated into the night, massive paws thundering on the ground and in Emma's heart.
Where the whip of magic hit the ground at the animal's feet, a scorch mark painted the floor with threat.
.
.
Emma scurried back into the cover of the woods and prepared to wait, comforted by the gun at her hip, though she tried her best to believe that the creature had been scared enough by the magic to not come back. Like you, you mean, her inner moron pointed out, but to no avail. She would wait. There was bound to be a moment when the fairy lowered her guard and she was patient with her marks. At least until she got her hands on them.
"Hey dumbass!"
Emma got whiplash from the suddenness of her own movement.
"Ruby!"
"No, it's Santa."
"What are you doing here?"
"You know what's a better question, Emma? What are you doing here?"
"Getting the rest of the dust that she hid"
"Are you out of damned mind? Does Snow even know that her idiot child is here?"
"Shhhhh! And I don't owe Snow any explanations. About anything."
"Really? She could have killed you back there, Dumbass."
"Was that you?" Emma took a half-step back.
Ruby's eyes glinted with a mix of hurt and humor that Emma recognized from having seen them more often that she could count on Regina's face. "I'm sorry… I…" and she took a step forward as ifto counter the effect of her initial shock.
"You're perfectly safe." Ruby's eye color shifted slightly between the usual green and the yellow of the wolf. "Though it's been some time. It's cool. I didn't know how it was going to feel until a while ago, when I changed. But I am in charge of it, not the other way around."
"I know…"
"No, you don't. You should have seen your face, though. It looked like you were gonna need a change of underwear…"
"Funny."
"It actually was, Dumbass."
"Stop that. What are you, three?"
"No. What about you? What was the big plan, huh, Sherlock? Walk right in there with her inside?"
"Pretty much…" Yeah, now it sounded stupid… Great timing, Swan…
"Dumbass. You're betting she has the dust and you think that she would keep it where, tucked in her bra?"
Emma's face had guilt written all over it. "Stop calling me that."
"Dumbass."
"Stop it."
"Only when I've taken it out of my system! She has magic. You know that. And if you think she's out to get anyone, why couldn't you think she'd be willing to do anything to keep it a secret? Jesus! Dumbass, dumbass, dumbass!"
Chastised, Emma lowered her head. "She has it, Ruby. She wouldn't get rid of it. Why would she? If there isn't anymore, she would keep what she has. She would keep it safe."
"And that's in her bra?"
"My bet was the heel of her shoe but the bra works too."
"Right." Again, the yellow of the wolf's eyes danced across Ruby's eyes.
"So much for no magic in Storybrooke, huh."
"You should know… returning hearts and what not." There was a moment Emma did not know what to say. She reached out for Ruby, to touch her shoulder.
"And you really are a wolf."
"Yeah. Go back, Emma. This is dangerous. You won't do Regina any favors by getting yourself fried into a crisp by a fairy spell."
"Ruby…"
"I know. You're on a tight schedule."
"I don't expect you to understand."
"Of course you don't. But I do." The yellow danced with the green in that remarkable pair of eyes and Emma knew the wolf lurked just below the surface. "There is nothing you can do now. You saw how powerful her magic is. Go be with your girl. Don't let her be alone." Ruby's fingers clutched into a fist and the green became yellow. "We'll do this again tomorrow." And in half of a blink of an eye, Ruby was gone and in her place, a tawny furred wolf stood, muscles quivering. And then it was gone into the night.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
This time there were no fingers running through her damp, sweaty hair bringing her calm. This time there was only immeasurable loss and pain, a pain so physical it surprised her. Emma was not there, her baby was not there and all around her there was only darkness. The only difference was that she was not dead. Which might well be preferable to an existence outside of all of those she loved. She pulled the blanket around her shoulders and tried to still the shivering. The torches were dimmed and the cave was plunged in darkness but she knew Emma was not there, not even close. She could feel Emma's absence in the air, like a storm approaching or a tsunami just gathering ashore.
Her heart squeezed in her chest. Oh Emma! Here she was, locked in the depths of the earth, behind bars, unable to reach out and protect her. The fairy dust. She knew where Emma was. She knew what she was doing, what risks she was taking even if Emma thought that she could take care of herself. Emma did not know the creatures roaming free in Storybrooke. Not by any stretch of the imagination. Regina knew them. Regina knew them well and she knew better than to let Emma go and do whatever she was trying to do. It wasn't worth it. She was not worth it. Blue was dangerous, like most cornered animals are dangerous.
Her hand went to her racing heart and then to her belly, flat as it had been for the last forty years and tears gathered as the dream crashed over her again.
She pushed at them with an angry fist. No matter how much she wanted, no matter how much she dreamt, it was not possible. And yet, her hand insisted on rubbing at her belly, the echoes of the movement inside her, even through the pain, wisps of life she did not want to let go. And yet, Emma had pushed a heart into her chest. And yet, Emma loved her; knowing the worst about her, Emma loved her. It had been impossible, all of it, back then. So impossible that, as a dream, the desire for those things had withered and died inside her chest, with her baby, with Daniel, leaving only poison and bitterness.
Her heart pounded in her chest, a little weak, a little arthritic, but it beat. For Emma, for Henry. Regina pulled her diary from under her mattress and let it slide open. Impossible?
Maybe. But she could still feel the pain of the birth and the movement of the baby inside her. Living without a heart should have been impossible. The Evil Queen finding love should have been impossible. Her hand caressed her flat belly. Impossible.
I. Am. Possible.Her hand scribbled over the blank page without her even noticing.
The saltines and ginger dreams.
The burst of magic that was not hers when Rumplestilskin had bound her in the air like Mother used to do.
Her body that was telling her so, in things she did not care to heed. Her body felt different. Her body felt… full. Her breasts, her hips, her heart.
Her period.
She looked at the calendar on the first page of the diary. Her period.
She doesn't believe you, Regina. Why do you think she's not here? You've hurt her again. Haven't you done enough of that from the moment she was born?
and .
I. Am. Possible.
A baby.
Their baby.
The dream. Emma would not… how could she? How could she believe that they had made a baby? Emma would not believe her. Emma would leave her. Had they made a baby?
She doesn't believe you, Regina. Why do you think she's not here? You've hurt her again. Haven't you done enough of that from the moment she was born?
Emma would know. Emma would look at her and would know the truth.
Emma knew the truth of her. She knew the worst of her, the absolute worst and loved her, with all her sins, her weaknesses. Emma loved her. She had said so.
I. Am. Possible. Regina scribbled on her book.
The hope your love has given me, nothing else has.
My mistakes, all my bad decisions, all my failures… it is hard to regret them now. Come back to me Emma. Be careful where I cannot reach you, take care because you are mine. My sins have brought me here, where I love you and where you love me.
My sins brought Henry to me. Brought you to me to love.
I am a villain. When I looked in the looking glass, I saw only the dregs of the girl I used to be. Every sin, every offense, I thought of as my only choice.
I am done with the past now.
I wonder when the past will be done with me.
A baby. Hope. Come back to me, Emma.
Even if I have to let you go.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
When the blue habit was nothing but a shadow, Emma pounded her feet on the ground willing the blood to course through them and the freezing cold of the night to give way to warmth.
"You spent the night here? What on earth for?" Ruby materialized in front of Emma.
Emma did not explain. Hell, she could not explain it to herself. Partly, it was because she could not go back and tell Regina she had failed. Thatwas not an option. She would not fail. She would get Regina out of that cage if it was the last thing she did.
"Let's go?" Ruby sniffed the air discretely but Emma caught on to it.
"She's gone. The council is meeting again this morning. I'm on a schedule here, Ruby, let's go."
"Easy, Dumbass. I'm just trying to check for booby-traps."
"Stop saying that."
"Then stop being one."
As her only reply, Emma pushed past Ruby and towards the convent.
"What about the other ones?"
"Haven't seen any. And I'm past caring."
"What if they're all like Blue?"
"Powerful bitches?"
"Yeah…"
"I'll take my chances. But if it makes you more comfortable, it seems to me that Blue is only one with a real investment in fucking everything over."
"Of course, you may be wrong…"
"Of course. Tell you what, why don't you just be my lookout?"
"Because I've watched way too many movies not to want in on the action. Also, the lookout is usually the first one to get ripped to bits…"
"This from the werewolf." Emma crouched by the door where she had almost been caught less than six hours before and slid in two lock picking pins, her hands steady and purposeful as she worked the second pin against the tumblers of the lock. Easy peezy, each of the tumblers slid home with a satisfying, agreeable noise.
"I didn't know bail bounty hunters could go into places by picking locks."
"They can't. That's breaking and entering."
"Ah…"
"I had to eat before that…"
"Yeah, of course."
Emma gave her an angelic smile that defied as much as invited further comments but Ruby nodded and followed Emma into the now open room.
It was spartan at best with the prescribed crucifix on the wall and nothing much by way of comfort. Huh…
"You know, Emma, it might just be that there are no true innocents in all of Storybrooke."
"Whatever gave you that idea, Ruby?"
Ruby shrugged and dove into the chest of drawers that was, along with the bed, the only furniture in the room.
"I just thought… You're the savior and..."
"Nothing but a common thief, Ruby. I picked cars and wallets and even houses a time or two. Screwed people out of their stuff, some of them, just like me, just trying to get by on very little. There is nothing saviory about that." Emma ran her hands through the headboard and under the mattress. She touched the skirting on the walls and pushed and prodded at each of the floorboards. Nothing popped.
"You're Snow's daughter… And I know it's strange, but I was here for Snow's pregnancy… It's justweird, you know… that little baby grew up and picks locks and chases criminals.
"Yeah, well…"
"I mean…" Ruby checked what proved to be the underwear drawer with careful fingers trying to not disturb any items. "She was a thief, too. I caught her stealing eggs from Granny's coup."
"Forget about the nobility of it all, Ruby. It was not all steal to eat. There was no romance to it. Just a lot of fucked up shit and a lot of fucked up nights."
Ruby gave her a measuring look but said nothing further.
"What are we even looking for? Where do you even keep fairy dust?"
"I'll know it when I see it. But while we're at it, see if you can findany magic wands."
"Magic wands? Sure, no sweat. Magic wands coming right up."
Emma's only reply was dragging out the chest of drawers Ruby had been checking and knocking on the back, checking for fake bottoms.
"How was last night?"
"Apart from having to save your sorry ass?"
"Didn't I thank you for that yet?"
"It must have slipped your mind."
"Must have."
"It was… extraordinary. Free. Like the wind…"
Emma stopped then, measuring Ruby. "I want that for her. I know, Ruby. I know she did a lot of unforgivable shit. I'm not saying it should all be rainbow farting and rose smelling shit from now on, but there has to be some hope for her. Do her time and get out…Start again."
"With you?"
"If she wants to, yes." Emma examined the pillow and its stitching, the mattress and every shoe geometrically arranged against the wall.
"Emma?" Emma grunted a what and Ruby nearly shut up. "There's this spot in the woods… close to the mine… it smells…. Magic."
"What do you mean?"
"Unnatural. Does not of Enchanted Forest. Looks like it too. The colors are more… like an excess of everything, you know? The color is more vibrant, the touch is softer and harsher and colder and hotter, everything is more. Like back there."
"So, what are you saying?" Ruby lowered her yes and let her hands drop to her sides. "Ruby, no. I know you have all these super spidey senses going but no. Do you understand? No. She hid it. She hid it. She wouldn't dump it in the woods."
They found nothing.
A wave of disappointment and fear washed over her and she pulled at her hair and strangled a sob.
Nothing. There was nothing here.
Nothing. No even after they'd checked the clearly unused chapel and the main office.
Absolutely nothing.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Ruby was late for the council. Of course he was. She was late and hungry and generally exhausted by the time she sat down.
Leroy patted her hand. "Full moon, wasn't it." Ruby nodded. "How did it feel?"
Ruby simply hugged Leroy. "It was… The wind and the rain… it was… it's in the blood, Leroy. Free. Faster, better, more. It's me."
"It suits you. You look happy." Leroy pulled a very cold and limp looking poptart from the inside pocket of his jacket and slid it over to Ruby.
"I am." She looked at the packet and then at Leroy.
"In case you're hungry…"
.
.
Snow watched Blue watch Ruby and didn't miss the flash of something that looked a lot like understanding and then anger pass through the fairy's serene features. She filed that away in her memory and called the council to order.
"I would, before we go any further, thank you. Each one of you, for taking the time for this. You, more than anyone, understand the weight of this decision. How difficult it is to make it. You are my most trusted friends." She glanced around the room into their eyes, every single one of them. "Thank you. I have done little else but consider all the things that were said during the trial. All those that were said here. History is a great master. But let me tell you what I have learned from that: I cannot swing that sword. I am not the one that will kill Regina. I couldn't do it before. I can't do it now. Not just because it's her. She was my mother. I loved her for so long. A part of me does still. A part of me will always crave her and her affections. A part of me will always know her as that young girlso full of love and hope. I wish you could have met her then. So I can't. I can't. I have wished her dead so many times. But I find that, even if I break this down into small easy increments, I can't. I can't sign the decree or nominate an executioner or a place or a time. I can't. I can't because I don't want any more blood on my hands. I can't because I cannot risk Emma's happiness or her hating me. Though that may be a foregone conclusion.I can't because Regina is still mine… after a fashion. So if any of you believes this is the way, please make it known now."
The silence in the room was thick enough to slice with a knife. Blue raised her hand.
"There is no merit in saving those that will slay you at their first opportunity. You know my opinion, Your Majesty."
"I do, Blue. And I thank you for your candidness. But death is death. No matter how justified, there is no justification."
"Indeed." Blue nodded but there was no agreement. Just a coldness that came off of her in waves and made Snow feel sick.
"So what do we do?" Geppetto crossed his arthritic fingers over and over again. He could not look at Snow. Guilt and shame burned in him and however much he had been certain he had no other option back then, knowing now what responsibility he'd saddled his boy with and what he had condemned Emma to, he still would not have done it any different.
"The enormity of her crimes, Your Majesty… there is no punishment severe enough…" Blue spoke with her eyes demurely on her hands. "Nothing can begin to repay the destruction of a land, the lives that were lost, the years and opportunities that passed us by."
"Nothing passed us by. We can go on from where we left off." Ruby hastily swallowed the pop tart she had been discretely munching on. "I thought we had settled that."
"The twenty-eight years I missed of Emma will not be picked up from where I left off, Ruby." Snow interrupted and there it was, the little whine that she so desperately wanted to get rid of.
"I'm sorry, Snow."
"Your Majesty, if I may." Dr Hopper stepped right into the miserable silence between Ruby and Snow. "I am reminded of something that Miss Swan… Emma said during the trial: there are no innocents. We have, all of us here at this table, at some point or other, made decisions that have cost others dearly." He touched his hand to Geppetto's gnarly one, both apologizing and soothing in the gesture. "We can only hope that punishment is not a foregone conclusion."
"What are you suggesting, Dr Hopper?" And Blue emphasized the word doctor as if she was about to spit it.
Dr Hopper blushed. He blushed from his chin to the bald patch on the crown of his head; cleared his throat and steeled himself to proceed. "I'm saying that no one thinks himself a villain. I'm saying that few make decisions they think are wrong. That sometimes, we hate our choices because they are not really choices at all and that even so, we will stand by our choices because in the worst of circumstances, that was the best… no, the only option available."Geppetto squeezed Hopper's hand and the sound in his throat was almost inhuman in its grief. "The Evil Queen acted in that way out of brokenness. She was broken, alone and that is a sickness. Consider please how young Henry and Emma are healing her, day by day. Consider how good can really triumph over evil by plucking a soul from its clutches. Consider how good will triumph if we rescue her from is a path for her that was never there before. Someone thatloves her unconditionally like you, Your Majesty, are loved. Someone who forgives her trespasses and shows her another way. A love so pure and strong that it will heal her heart. If Regina is happy, if she has a direction in her life, she is no threat. Some crimes are too immensurable for a punishment…" He saw Blue's eyes sparkling with victory and it made him uneasy. Scared, even. "A punishment that is not as grave as the crime itself. And all we have left is kindness. Because we can. We can act in kindness because we have received it before. We know whatit feels like, what it looks like. The queen has known little but devastation her whole life. I don't think she recognized kindness until... Emma. Maybe it's time we helped her rebuild, heal."
And then, suddenly, Dr Hopper seemed to take measure of the enormity of what he was saying. Of the pairs of eyes fixed on him and it was overwhelming. "At least that's what I think."
Granny's knitting needles stopped and she lowered the work onto her lap, silent for a second. "I agree. I never heard of punishment preventing evil or wrong-doing. I'm old enough that I can tell you that mostly, it's just about making victims and bystanders feel better about will never bring about good. That, my dear Snow, will fall to Emma. We all accepted that your girl should be the savior of the prophecy. I don't think I'm wrong in believing that we all just assumed she would be exclusive to us. But maybe she's more. Maybe she was destined to save the one that needed it the most. The one that no one cared about."
Snow hid her face in her hands and fought the need to run and hide. And tears along with it.
"You should know, Snow." Ruby interrupted. "If it hadn't been for you, after Peter, I would… I don't think I would have turned out alright."
"It's different, Ruby… You're different."
"No, Snow, it really isn't. I had you and Granny. She never had anyone. And there's one more thing- and I think that all of us here at this table know- first hand: sometimes, guilt eats away at you more effectively than any punishment." Geppetto nodded silently.
"And I suppose you will now tell us that she feels guilt? That she feels remorse? She feels nothing but worry about her future. She is an expert manipulator. Need I remind you that the first time you proposed to let her go, Your Majesty, she carved a knife into your side?" Blue stood and walked off her frustration towards the window.
"I know she does. I've seen it. We all have. And not just now during the trial, though it was pretty self evident. She is not the same. Not even the same Mayor let alone the same Evil Queen. You know that, Snow. You know that."
"I do." Snow spoke and the words felt like they were being ripped from her heart, wrenching everything on their way out. An understanding silence brewed, kindled by several shades of guilt.
"It's not that simple…" David spoke for the first time. "We can't simply just walk all over what happened. That's not justice." He did not like the very fleeting moment of triumph he saw in Blue's eyes but it was gone too fast to make more than an impression with no evidence. "What we do now… it will weigh on us all for generations to come. For better or for worse. If we punish Regina severely, we are saying that we know not of mercy. If we simply open the doors and let her free- assuming that would even be a possibility- then we are saying that we are weak. Or even worse, that we do not know the difference."
"So you're saying that we should make an example out of her?" Snow did not expect that of her David and her tone betrayed her utter shock because if any of them had been the most accommodating and understanding, it had been David, not her.
"No. I'm saying that we hold ourselves as an example. And you know that there's more at risk than just this. You know George is on some sort of crusade and that he will use whatever comes out of this against you."
"But I won't use her… David, I can't… I won't use her anymore. Not again."
"I don't think there is much choice…"
"Well, I cannot speak for anyone else, but as far as I'm concerned, let him come. I've had enough of sitting with my thumbs up my ass." Leroy grunted.
Only no one except Ruby was quite so enthusiastic. Not about the Evil Queen.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
That bottle would have to wait. Running- or at least running to the bottom of a bottle- was not an option if the occasion called for it.
Granny's was a no go, anyway. Both Ruby and Granny were at the council and that left her to her own devices to try and come up with some breakfast. Her hands shook when she slid the chunky key into the lock of the apartment and despite the quick cat-like wash, they were still shaking by the time she made it into the kitchen and started cracking eggs into a bowl. She could do eggs. She was not a total moron in the kitchen. Okay, she could not make an omelet, but scrambled were accessible to her as were the strawberries she foraged in the fridge and the carton of reduced sugar apple juice. She forewent the coffee because it made Regina lose control over her stomach and, in an afterthought,she added a family pack of Oreos to the basket.
She'd nearly made it out of the door but it was as good as the bottle of Jim Beam finding her when she opened a random cupboard for paper napkins. There was second of hesitation, but wasn't Storybrooke all about destiny? She broke the seal on the cap and poured herself a healthy three fingerswhich she downed with hands that were still shaking. Damn it. Quit it, she told herself. Get a grip, get a grip, get a fucking grip. But the pep talk was pretty much wasted. Regina needed her, needed her on the ball, not wasted. Not weepy, not frazzled and certainly, not fragile. This was not about her. It was about Regina and how she would keep the boat floating until she found a way to get her out.
She jammed the phone in her pocket and dashed down the steps, two at a time.
.
.
Her hands stopped shaking when she saw Regina pushing eggs onto her fork with a half Oreo. There was such simple pleasure in that gesture that Emma's molecules stilled and she simply basked. Next to her, Henry was wisely keeping silent though his mouth was slightly agape.
Of all the things that were crazy about Storybrooke, none was more so than having just taught his very strict mother the open-lick-dunk routine. Except perhaps the fact that she was quite contently eating the cookies, not just for breakfast, but for breakfast as side to the eggs and licking her fingers in satisfaction.
As if her life had not been hanging by a very fragile thread.
.
.
It never even occurred to Regina to deny herself the craving, the sudden overwhelming appetite. She had been half out of her mind by the time eight o'clock came around and Emma was still nowhere. That, more than any of the rest, made her truly aware of how very much her life was not her own anymore. Emma was not there and Regina knew well where she'd gone. She told herself repeatedly that Emma was an adult and very capable, a fighter, but there was no assuaging the terror in her heart and in the pit of her stomach.
When Emma walked in with breakfast, Regina wanted to go to her and punch her, punch her until Emma hurt as badly as she did.
"You left me…"
"Regina, I…"
"You went there…" and for a horrible moment she thought she was going to lose control and actually cry. None of them needed that. Emma did not need to be tethered to a fragile deadweight and Regina did not need pity. She pulled herself together, only barely. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry."
When Emma offered breakfast, she took it as drowning man would take a plank of wood. A really good plank of wood.
It made her wonder why she had ever been so strict with herself as to never have tried an Oreo. She had never wanted to be like her mother and yet, that poisonous human being was in everything she did, in everything she didn't do, in everything she denied herself.
As she bit into the last chunk of cookie, she felt truly pathetic.
And then Henry offered her one more. Her heart grew loud, a war chant in her chest. Love was an instinct. When everything fell apart, love was the instinct. For Henry, for Emma, for the baby she believed was growing inside her, the greatest of impossibilities. Love was the instinct and she let it overwhelm her.
And then Emma's phone signaled an incoming text.
.
.
Emma could have sat watching Regina eat eggs and cookies for the rest of her life.
The council has decided.
And then they were out of time. She panicked. They were coming for Regina, they were coming for her life and inside shewas hyperventilating and flipping cartwheels on the floor like the rabbit she had hit with her car in the woods that had not immediately died. She was disorientated and scared in a way that she had not been since she'd been five and had beenreturned for the second time to the group home like a defective radio.
But she kept it together.
She sat by the bars and leaned against them, where Regina met her in a mirror position. "They're coming." And no more was needed. Regina's mask of stoicism slid across her face. Emma knew that it was only the beginning of the heartbreak, that return to the old Regina. Urgency overtook her. "You listen to me now, Regina, listen well: it's going to be okay, you understand? One way or another. If it's not okay, it's not over. I need you to believe me on this. It's going to be okay, because we did not, you and I, we did not come this far for it not to be okay. Promise me. Promise me now. You know that it's going to be okay. Promise."
.
.
The bars burned but Regina slid into Emma's arms. It already was. No matter what happened from that moment onwards- and she had been here before, so she could well guess- and remember what an execution felt like- it was already okay. It was already the best she had ever been.
.
.
Henry ran outside. It was too much for him, knowing that Emma was lying.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Storybrooke filled in, morosely, after lunch time. For Emma, the hours had dragged and crawled, leapt and bounded. She needed to know. She didn't want to know. She lost the contents of her stomach. Then washed carefully and returned to Regina pretending to have simply taken a phone call.
This time, there were no chairs. It was just a pile up of bodies inside the cave, just like the very first time they had tossed Regina in there, right after the curse broke and they had plucked her from Emma's arms, barefoot, in her night clothes. Sometimes, it felt, time had dragged. Others it had just gone too fast. Had it really been only a month?
Snow came in followed by the council and at that moment Emma hated her a little, hated all of them. Loved them too. Her breath caught in her chest and it made everything hurt and life slow down.
Then it all exploded into noise, the whispering voices magnified by the acoustics of the cave.
.
.
Snow was torn between going to her daughter toreassure her and the need to perform for the public the role of queen.
The choice broke her.
She took the old rickety chair by Emma and climbed on it. On one side, Emma and the bars and the other, the Prosecutor, a study in self righteousness that made Snow queasy.
Granny whistled and he crowd fell silent.
"The council…" Snow began unsteady. "My council and I have reached a verdict." She took the lined paper ripped out of a notebook long abandoned by the children in her classroom. It hit her, then, how inadequate a paper it was to hold someone's fate on but it was too late then. She cleared her throat and read out loud, hoping that her voice would not betray her.
"The defendant is found guilty of the murders of King Leopold, my father; Sheriff Graham and Henry Mills Senior. She is found guilty of casting the dark curse with the intent to cause continued suffering to the citizens of Storybrooke. She is further found guilty of, in the course of casting that curse, and in the sequence thereof, instigating discord and disharmony, of the kidnapping of the siblings Hansel and Gretel, and of a myriad of what will be designated, war crimes. She is found guilty."
It was her backbone that kept Regina standing. She had known that this trial was a foregone conclusion. A circus put on to appease the masses of wronged people, to justify her execution. And yet, there had been times when hope had kindled inside her, fanned carefully by Emma. Her Emma.
She did her best to not let the mask slip, more out of habit than need. She had Emma now. She had Emma and Emma knew the truth of her. That was all that mattered. But Emma was sheet white, stricken, shivering. She reached out and held her hand, willing all her strength into Emma, all her calm, all her love.
There was a certain comfort in Snow's words. She was guilty. For so long she had pretended she was not. She had pretended there had never been any other option for her. She was guilty. She had committed unspeakable crimes, done terrible things. She imagined that to be the peace of a confession.
Emma grabbed onto her hand. Love was the instinct.
Nothing could ever be wrong as long as Emma held on to her like that.
"However, the council further finds that there are extenuating circumstances that should be taken in to account. The council believes that the defendant was, herself, a victim. Of her mother, of her father's inept care, of her my carelessness. The council believes that she was, at best, forgotten by providence or, at worst, set up to suffer, to be changed by suffering. Those are extenuating circumstances. The council is not justifying the actions of the defendant or accepting those circumstances as justification. It is fundamental that the verdict reached today is not used as an excuse for all manners of sins, but as a lesson for all of us, for the future of Storybrooke. It is fundamental that we all go away from here today and do our very best to remember that kindness is not an option, it's an investment in the future; that fairness is more than a word, that justice comes from the heart.
The council has determined that the defendant shall remain imprisoned for her crimes until such time as she has atoned for them. It is well known to all of us here today that this prison is, itself, a terrible punishment, buried under ground, impossible to open with our current resources. It is no secret that it is a magic prison. The council has determined that it be known by all that the bars are enchanted to, not only impede magic, but that they burn the defendant upon contact. That they stop, unless at great cost to the prisoner, human contact. Consider that for a heartbeat and then hear what this council has further determined: That we believe that, as any enchantment can be broken, any spell, any curse, so can this. The council believes that, should there be a time, an occasion, when it shall be possible to open these bars, that if the defendant has atoned for her crimes, she be set free to the care of her family.
Let it be known that Storybrooke shall be governed under the tenets of accountability, compassion and justice for all.
The court is dismissed."
.
.
The only protest came from the Prosecutor who clamored for an appeal.
"On what basis?" Snow's tone was pure ice.
"Bias immediately occurs to me."
"Absolutely. Because I would I not be biased in favor of the woman that had my father killed? I'll tell you what. Show of hands. Let's have more than token democracy herein Storybrooke. All of those for the appeal raise your hands." Not one hand rose to be counted. "No? All of those in favor of the current verdict raise your hands."
People looked at each other, and there was shock and disbelief and then, suddenly, a hand rose in the air, and then some more, and then more still until, it seemed, the opportunity to be a decision maker spread as a furor to all of those in attendance.
"I believe that's your answer. And while I have your attention, let me remind you, Mr Spencer, that, mercy is one thing, stupidity is quite another. Coups and treason will not be tolerated. Be on your best behavior. Lest I change my mind about capital punishment."
.
.
When the cave emptied, was when Snow had the true measure of Emma's devastation. Silently, she approached her daughter and touched her arm only to be swatted away.
"Emma…"
"No. No. Snow, no. Stay away from me. Stay away from us." Henry stood by the wall, immobile, his eyes too wide in his face, his bottom lip trembling beyond his control. "Stay away from him, Mom. From out. Now."
Her tears fell then, copious, furious, fast. "Emma…" Regina intervened, walking along the bars to try to come closer to Emma, but Emma was beyond reasoning. Her heart was breaking and the sound was loud even to her own ears.
"Get away from us." And she pushed at Snow, violently, towards the exit, her intent clear, to hurt her mother.
""Emma, you don't understand. This is the best we could do. The best we could hope for."
"No, it's not. You know? You were here, you heard it all and you lived some of it. You caused all of this and this is the best you could do? That's bullshit. That's such bullshit. Get out of here. Stay away from us."
"It's the best we could do, Emma." Snow let Emma push her and her only resistance was to recoup the inches that Emma had pushed her towards the exit.
"Then it's not good enough, is it?"
"Emma, stop." Regina asked, her voice small and uncertain.
But there was no stopping Emma. The grief, the horror of it all gave her nearly superhuman strength and she pushed at Snow and then at David when he tried holding her back and when her father physically held her captive between his arms, there was kicking and wriggling like the possessed.
"Stop this nonsense now, Miss Swan"It was the Mayors voice, low and dangerous and cutting, of the beginning. It stopped Emma. When it did, Regina's arms reached beyond the bars, the metal burning against her face. David was not proud, but he picked Emma up between his still strained arms and took her to Regina, her voice now soft as a lullaby. "You know better than that, Emma. You know what the alternative was. And that there is nothing you parents can do about these bars. So please, be reasonable…"
"I can't…" Emma sobbed then, tears, snot, drool. Regina took a tissue from her pocket and gently wiped her face.
"You can and you will."
"They had her in that council. You had her in that council. In the same room. Why didn't you ask her about it? What happened to the rest of the dust, huh? What happened to it? She does what she pleases, she takes justice from your hands and you're okay with it? Is that your idea of accountability?"
"Emma… there are other ways of opening the bars. I'm sure there are. You don't need her."
"But you let her win. You let her win."
Henry dragged himself from the wall that had been keeping him upright and moved to his mothers' sides and hugged Regina, his eyes on Emma. "Then we'll find it."
It took Emma a second, but she pulled herself together. "You're right, kid. We will. And when we do," She turned to Snow and the anger in her face was bordering on hate. "When we find it, you will let her go. You will keep your word and you will let her go."
.
.
Regina hand not expected to feel sympathy for Snow White. Not ever. But when Emma lashed out with such hate and anger in her voice, it was sympathy Regina felt, something born out of too vivid, too close experience. Quite unexpectedly, she looked at Snow's eyes and a brief moment of understanding passed between them. Then they both lowered her gaze to those holding them in their arms. But the moment was not gone. It lingered. And it was the strangest thing.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
When she woke up in the morning, Regina was alone once more. They had slept against the bars, each holding the other up, hand in hand, Henry's head on Emma's legs. Regina had seen a wet patch on Emma's jeans where Henry's tears had collected silently. No, the past was not done with her if she was causing this pain to her family.
She had a family.
Her hand went to her belly and rubbed small distracted circles. She had a family and she was causing it to break apart.
Emma was out, had left her alone. Oh, she knew what Emma was doing: she was trying to find her new mark, the rest of the dust, a key that would allow her out. The motive was noble, but she felt alone. She could have used a time to settle. A time to feel that Emma would stay- even if that was the worst possible thing, the most selfish she could wish for- if it came to it.
A time where she could be certain that she could do this.
But it felt a lot like this was just the beginning of Emma leaving.
That was what Emma did. She left. Finding this whatever it was, was just a good excuse.
Perhaps it was for the best.
.
.
Emma came back with breakfast, Henry's book and a harried look in her eyes. And she was gone after that, never having been really there.
And then it was lunch and Emma was ready to leave once more when she received a text from Leroy. It was as if only the ghost of Emma came to her.
"Be careful, Emma." Regina held on to Emma's hands, stayed Emma's departure.
"Huh?"
"Obsessions, Emma, they drive you away from yourself. Away from what's really important." But Emma's gaze was vacant and, somehow, at the same time, feverish. "Careful not to lose not to let me lose you."
Emma pecked her on the lips, something rushed and left. "I'm gonna find it, Regina. I promise you. And then we'll be together. You'll see." And she was out at a run.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Emma, Ruby, Leroy and Nova stood by the patch of HD, 3D woods.
"What?" Leroy confronted. "I'm a dwarf. Our place of dwelling is underground. I don't know a thing about the woods, the pretty flowers or the bloody animals."
"Doesn't it look odd to you, though?" Ruby asked.
" more like a painting than a real thing. 'Cept you can touch it."
Nova knelt on the floor and touched it with her hand, mesmerized."Looks like home… back there, I mean. Makes me not. It's hard to explain. It does not belong here. It makes my head hurt."
"Nova, do you think… I mean… could this be… could she have destroyed the dust here?" Emma asked but she did not want the answer. She could not cope with a yes.
Nova put her hand on her arm and nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid she could've."
Emma fell onto her knees. And then, it was like an epiphany. She rubbed at that HD, 3D grass and flowers and soil in the hopes that some might cling to her hands, to her fingers. Anything. A little smidge would be enough, no? Just enough for this one more time.
But all they had were flowers that smelled like cotton candy and five thousand dollar perfume. And no fairy dust.
"That fucking bitch."
"Maybe," Nova stammered, trying desperately to make Emma feel better. "We can get some new dust." When all eyes fell on her, she blushed violently. "I'm sorry. I just… It's stupid, I know, I'm sorry."
"You were just trying to help…" Leroy defended. "But_"
"No, actually," Emma stood and dusted her knees and her fingers. "She's right. So we don't have this one. We get more. Right? We go and get more. Where do you get it from? Nova? Where do you get it from? I mean, it's a fairy thing, right? Where do you get it from?"
"Well, the dwarves mine the diamonds and then grind it down and then the fairies collect it take it away."
"And it's magic? I mean…"
"Emma, look…" Ruby could see the hope blooming in Emma's face, fierce and wild.
Leroy took Emma's arm, trying to bring her down gently because he'd seen hope like this, mostly in the mirror and nothing good had ever come out of it, only an affection for the bottle. "We can dig all we want here and even if we find diamonds, all that's coming out of it will be shiny dust. Not fairy dust, cause this is a land without magic. There is only one place for it, sister, and no way to get there."
Emma pulled her arm almost violently from Leroy's hand and started walking away towards the bug parked on the road. "Not true."
"Huh? Emma?" The other three ran to keep up with Emma's long strides.
"How do you think I got her heart back?"
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
It was a short ride to Jefferson's house. Emma threw the car into park after skidding on the gravel of the driveway. Good, it did some damage. When she had time, she should come over and drive over his garden. It was probably lucky that it was Grace that came to the door. Because with her current mood, she would have barged in, killed him first and then gone looking for the hat. Yeah, probably, though it was hard to be objective.
"Where's your dad, Grace?" Ruby pulled Emma back and stepped ahead. Grace was clearly a clever kid and could sense the menace.
"In the back."
"We would like to speak to him." Grace studied Ruby and then settled on Emma.
"Be nice to my Papa, Sheriff. He is… fragile. I know you don't think much of him, but… maybe you'll remember what it's like to love someone that needs it more than most…"
Emma had the grace to look chastised. "I just need his help, Grace."
Grace sighed. "Just don't drink or eat anything."
.
.
Everything was in the same place as the last time Emma had been in that room. Even the telescope remained at the same window, though, for some reason, Emma had a feeling that that might be more of Grace's choice than Jefferson's.
"Princess," Jefferson greeted with a glint in his eyes that scared her just a little bit. Clearly, it unsettled Leroy and Ruby, though Nova'sexpression remained open, untouched. "Let me guess: you want my help."
She spared Grace a look, and there was a warning in there to Jefferson. "Wrong. I want my hat."
"Yours? I don't remember you owning a hat, Sheriff."
"Maybe I should refresh your memory."
"Nothing wrong with it. I wish there was. I wish I could forget a lot. But, it seems, I am forever cursed with memory. Such a horrid gift, don't you think?
"Are we gonna go through this again, you deranged maniac?"
"It seems I must, princess."
"Princess my ass."And she grabbed the telescope. Indeed, he did not suffer from bad memory. His first instinct was to pull back, well away from her. Good, Emma thought. Good. "My argument has not changed, Jefferson."
God,Leroy internally cheered, this was one princess he could get behind, kick ass, determined and mean. And no waste if she knocked the hatter around some. Besides being a little prick in cahoots with the Prosecutor, he freaked him out, with the funny goggly eyes and the scar around his neck.
Emma replaced the telescope on the tripod and caressed it softly. "There was a time you could see Grace only through this telescope."
"Because of her."
"And now you have your daughter again.
"She deserves nothing."
"What about me? You have your daughter because I broke the curse. Me. What about me, Jefferson?"
Grace sidled up to her father. "Please, Papa…"
There was a moment of pause when Leroy considered his odds against the hatter- and they were pretty good in his estimation. Whatever the princess wanted, he was willing to get it for her. But then the man took a key out of his pocket and unlocked a cupboard and took out a clumsy hat. Okay, Leroy settled. Okay. Go princess.
"You know how to useit, Sheriff."
"Yeah, I do."
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
"When are we going?" Nova asked as Emma drove towards Storybrooke.
"What do you mean, we?" Leroy asked alarmed.
"Emma does not know the land. I do. I'm going with her."
"Me too. I'm going too," Ruby jumped at the stunned silence from Leroy.
"Hey! Hold on! There's no we on this."
"I'm Regina's fairy godmother, Dreamy. I'm going with Emma and I'm going to help in any way I can."
Leroy gave Emma a look of you broke this, fix it but Emma refused to engage anything but the gas pedal. "Okay, hold on: so if we're all going, who's gonna take care of her? Last I checked, she can't go out shopping for food. Someone needs to bring it over. Someone should, you know, go and talk to her andkeep her company. Do lady things with her…"
It took a while, but Nova relented, torn between a lesser duty to which she had always been relegated and the grander scheme of things.
Before they went into the mine, Emma pulled Ruby to the side. "You know Leroy's right. I can't leave her like this, Ruby. She is helpless. Some fucker might just try something. I need you here. Please."
"Your dad can do the sheriff thing, Emma."
"Yeah, he can. But if push comes to shove, he'll side with Snow, I want someone that can stand by Regina."
"Emma, that's unfair! Snow would never…"
"There's a lot that's not fair. And right now, I can't take any chances. And I can trust you. Can't I?""
.
.
If it was the right thing to do, then why was the follow up so damned difficult? It was, quite possibly, the most difficult thing she'd ever done in her life, to remove herself from Regina and leave her here on her own. Right up there with having Henry taken from her arms minutes after he was born.
But she had pulled through then and she was going to do this now and not because it was the right thing to do but because it was the only thing she could do.
And still it didn't mean that it did not feel like she was having her heart ripped out of her chest. She sat on a boulder by the entrance to the mine, all strength having deserted her.
She rubbed at her eyes. She was just so tired of the struggle. So tired of never having anything easy. So tired of not having something simple to worry about, like what top to wear with which jeans or whether to order Chinese or pizza for dinner, whether or not she could afford a holiday in Miami. She picked up an orange lily from the clump within arm's length and turned it in her fingers, fragile but so beautiful.
All right, she thought, let's do this. And then stood and walked into the mine where, apparently, no one had had the guts to say anything to Regina.
.
.
Regina knew it the moment she saw Emma walking into the cave with that hat in her hands. Her legs failed her and she slumped to the floor, her chest heavy and tight, so tight she couldn't breathe. "Emma, please. Please don't."
But Emma was a Joan of Arc, a light of purpose and determination shinning off of her, pulsing, throbbing. "Guys, can I have a minute? Please?"
It was the same helplessness that Regina had felt when she saw her mother by the open stable door right before Daniel died, something cloying and suffocating. Emma knelt by the bars next to her and touched her face and there was such tenderness in that finger touching her skin that tears slid down her face without her being able to sop herself, tosteal herself against them.
Emma took an orange lily from the hat and put it in her lap when Regina refused to take it. "Please don't go. There's a reason we did not go back to the Enchanted Forest when the curse broke, Emma. It's because there is nothing there. If you go to a land that does not exist… you'll… you won't… Please don't go."
Regina felt truly pathetic. She was begging and hyperventilating now, an absolute cliché of manipulation but couldn't seem to care or stop. The only thing that mattered was that Emma did not leave her. That Emma did not leave them. "Emma, I…" I what, she confronted herself. Think I might be pregnant? With your baby? The dreams ran on her loop in her mind's eye, Snow telling her that Emma did not care because the baby could not possibly be hers.
"I'm pretty sure that's not true, Regina."
"What?" It seemed to her that Emma was replying to her thoughts instead of her words and she recoiled, pushed back in her cell, breaking the contact.
"Not even you are that powerful that you can destroy a world. I think that we did not all end up back there because, for once, reality applied. Or some other reason. I told you, Regina. If it's not okay, it's not the end. So trust me. Please trust me. I know it's hard for you, but please trust me. Trust me to go there and do what I need to do and come back in one piece."
"Why would I?" In the darkness Regina had retreated to, Emma could not see her face but there was ice in the tone, something steally and unyielding, reminiscent of her first days in Storybrooke.
"Because you love me."
A sob broke from Regina's throat, hurting everything on its way out. "That's not fair."
"I know. I just… I wanted to see you before I go. I want a kiss before I go."
"I can't let you, Emma. It's not worth it. I'm not worth the risk."
"I thought I told you not to say shit like that again."
"She's right, though."
.
.
Snow's voice resonated from the entrance of the cave and Emma whirled around, an unstoppable force, ready to wreck everything around her. "Good news travels fast, I see."
"We will help you find a way. Without having to go there. If there is nothing left, you won't come back to us."
"I'm not worried about coming back to you, Snow. I survived twenty-nine years on my own. A few more won't break me any different from what's already screwed up."
"I'll go with you, then." Snow moved forward, knowing the risk from Emma's aggressive body language. She knew exactly what it felt like to defend something so forcefully. Emma had gotten that from her.
"No. When you could have stopped this, when you could have stopped that bitch bringing Regina here every night, you felt safer to leave her here. Say what you want Snow, say it fast and leave. Get the hell out of my way."
.
.
Emma felt something break in her and she was not quite sure what it was, but it echoed through Snow's rigid posture, through that snap of Snow's back at her words. She felt like a shit for saying them, but there was no filter now. Nothing to lose. And she did not let the guilt wreck her.
"But I love you, Emma. More than anything."
"If you do, then you will look after the person I love the most. You will look after Regina and Henry and you will keep her safe until I come back." To her credit, Snow simply nodded. Deflated, Emma nodded back and turned to Regina.
She pulled Regina to the bars by the wrist she had managed to grab a hold of. The kiss was fraught with fear and anxiety, with love and longing. A kiss that gave each of them somewhere to go back to in the time to come. It was a kiss that proved that it was entirely possible for a home to be a person and not a house.
And it was over too soon.
Leroy, Nova and Ruby walked in then and Nova immediately made her way to Regina and took her hand in hers. "She's going to be okay, you know? Emma's tougher than she looks and she'd not going alone."
Regina gave her a grateful look and clung tighter when Emma tossed the hat. For a moment, when nothing happened, Regina thought that, for once, her prayers might have been head. But then Emma tried again and again until the familiar pull of an incongruent gravity started and her hope drowned.
David stepped forward and handed his sword to Emma. "Take my sword, Emma. She is true and light. We don't care who you come back to. As long as you do."
Emma let herself be pulled into an awkward hug and gave a sheepish glance at Snow, something that said sorry. It was as good as it was going to get.
Leroy prepared to jump in and grabbed onto his axe tight. "Don't worry, sister, I'll keep an eye on your kid for you. Just keep an eye on my fairy, alright?" And then they were gone.