Chapter 25
Anyone in Storybrooke could give you an account of what they'd been doing when the curse hit the Enchanted Forest. None, however, could begin to tell how they had ended their journey in Storybrooke, whether they had fallen off a chair startled to find themselves in a different world or woken up peacefully in a nice warm bed. Not even when the curse broke could anyone think back to that very first second. And yet, it was something very close to instinct that had every citizen in Storybrooke running to Main Street when the purple cloud rose in the air like an upside down tornado. David was the first to arrive, hand in a gun strapped to his chest.
When the cloud cleared, Leroy was standing upright looking dazed like when you're at a supermarket and just know that you're forgetting something. Emma was slumped on the floor, lifeless, the hat clutched tightly in her hand.
David must have screamed out her name. People always did that in films and he felt a lot like a cliché these days: a gun that only made sense in movies, a wife he wasn't quite sure how to be a husband to, a daughter lost to a fairytale land. He ran to her, stylized movements unaccustomed in a town where little happened. He must have fallen to his knees because that's what fathers of injured heroes do in the throes of despair. He couldn't quite remember and when later people commented on it, it was like they were filling blanks to someone else's life. He remembered only picking her up from the floor and it was like that day twenty-nine years ago when he had her in his arms fighting off guards to get her to safety. All he could think was of the precious cargo he was carrying, minding her head, her neck, her limbs. She felt so small.
He had no experience of holding her. He'd had a hug from her, maybe two before she'd left on this mad quest. He had nothing to compare the feel of her in his arms now with that of six months ago- six months only. It felt like a life time - but it felt like she was too light to be the Emma he had known, the whirlwind that didn't take no for an answer he remembered. This Emma was too fragile, too brittle to be her.
He pounded up the stairs of Mary Margaret's converted apartment. They should have moved long ago. They should have found a house with many rooms but Snow didn't want to go anywhere. When Emma returned, Snow had said, that would be the place she'd go back to and she didn't want to be anywhere else but where her daughter could find her.
Snow was already running up the steps ahead of him, opening the door she left unlocked every day because Emma had not taken a key with her.
He placed her on the bed and stepped back. Snow was all over Emma. There was no space left for him except the foot of the bed where he stood and watched.
.
.
By the time Snow had run out of the school building, alerted by her mother's instinct, there was already a cortège following David with her daughter in his arms. She set at a run, car forgotten, straight home. She pushed the door open and when David walked in, she was already by the bed waiting. Emma was okay. Her daughter was going to be okay.
There as a moment she didn't know where to start, a moment she only wanted to pick Emma into her arms and sit there, rocking her back and forth, feeling her presence. Her daughter was back. And then she was Snow White again and Sow White took care of business. She cut through the laces on Emma's boots and pulled them out, then the socks. Still the same cloths Emma had gone in. Still relatively clean. But somehow, they seemed to hang off of her, like loose skin.
Then she took the jacket. She'd never had the chance to dress and undress her baby as a new mother. She felt as terrified now of hurting Emma as she would have back then if she'd had the chance. Carefully, she pulled the sleeves of the jacket and it tossed on the floor, barely noticing the torn lining and the map hidden underneath, and then the sweater, leaving Emma in her tank top. Then she noticed the hands. Emma's hands were blistered and each blister was broken skin and flesh, dirty, dusty. Her eyes were sunken and Snow swore she could see tear tracks in Emma's dirty cheeks. She grabbed a bowl with warm water and a towel from the bathroom and started cleaning that skin. She didn't have much experience in holding Emma. They'd been friends before they'd been mother and daughter but Emma was not the touchy feely type so she didn't know exactly how it should feel. But she couldn't quite remember Emma being this thin, this fragile.
Leroy came in through the door before she had gotten to the medicine cabinet. He looked dazed and tired but seemed to be carrying no less weight than before. "Leroy!" She forced herself to calm down, slow down. She was no good to anyone if she didn't mind the details. "What happened?"
"We found the mine."
Her heart pounded in her chest. They'd found it. Regina would be out soon. And that was good and bad all in the same breath. But then she rethought Emma's hands and the tear tracks on her checks and Leroy's closed off expression. "Leroy, please."
"There's nothing left. Just mould and dust."
"Her hands?"
"The axe."
That was explanation enough for the time being. Snow grabbed the antiseptic wipes, grateful she did not have to find and mix herbs to do this. All in all, Regina had chosen well where to bring them. There was a magic of its own in this world. Like antiseptic wipes packed in a foil wrapper that easy to tear and use as many as you needed and pain-killer pills in easy open bottles. Painstakingly, she wiped Emma's palms, removing dust and debris of what had once been magic and when she could do no more, she sat on the bed and watched over an unconscious Emma. Someone should tell Regina.
Yes, a little mean voice whispered at the back of her head, someone should.
.
.
After a while, Snow got worried. Leroy seemed to know no more, no less than she herself already knew. Emma seemed to be asleep, except for the fact that she did not move at all. It was an unnatural sleep if that's what it was. She called for Dr Whale who told her, after a careful examination, that he didn't know. Was it a coma? No, he didn't know. Was it a deep sleep? No, he didn't know. So she just sat there and applied careful wet cloths to Emma's forehead because even though that was not really any medicine (after all, Emma didn't have a fever), there was a comfort for her in that doing way of hers.
Then, Nova came in. Snow was not exactly sure about the fairy's presence. She liked her alright but it seemed that it was someone on Regina's team even if she didn't want to think about it in that way and it felt a lot like espionage until Nova sat with Leroy's hands in hers and Snow could see that she had not been the only one missing someone for these past almost six months. Nova sat with Leroy and gently asked questions of this and that and it all became a soundtrack to Snow's vigil over Emma.
.
.
Carefully, Nova extracted information from Leroy. How it had been and how he, mostly, remembered only being there for one day. Except that there were snippets of other days and it generally felt that they had been there much longer than the one day he recalled. He remembered trolls. He remembered being at the palace. Yes, he remembered that. He remembered the debris of Emma's nursery in the tower of the castle and of how it was nothing but a ruin of everything they had dreamt their lives would be when they cleared the realms of King George and the Evil Queen.
As Nova asked, it was like pulling a thread out of ball of yarn: Leroy's memories unraveled in slow meaningless ways- how there were no animals, and very little food. How they had walked everywhere, every day.
Nova was good like that. Patiently, she withdrew more information from Leroy than they thought possible, pulling at threads of memories like yarn from a mangled ball. To David, it painted a picture of mind numbing nothingness and hunger. He watched his daughter on the bed he shared with Snow and was flattened by the weight of not having anything useful to do.
There would have been a time he would have called for Blue immediately. He rubbed his face vigorously and waited for the impulse to pass. He felt orphan again. Trust was like that- it died and there was no bringing it back.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Against her dark wall, Regina felt the world tilt on its axis though it took her a while to understand what it was. For a while, there was only that weight on her heart and a feeling of foreboding. Then, it was like watching the sea retreat before a tsunami, the water pulling back from the shore and the wave building in height before it flattened everything in its path: Snow didn't show up with lunch, Nova didn't come back in the afternoon, Henry didn't come to do his homework with her. Kathryn, Granny, Ruby. As if the world had become empty.
It only added to her feeling of foreboding. Something had happened and the only thing that could be important enough, the only person important enough, would be Emma.
She sat and stood. Paced and stood still. Emma. Her heart raced then froze in her chest. Emma. She looked at herself. Without the benefit of a mirror, something she had not missed until that very moment, she had no clue what she looked like. She pushed at her hair then fluffed it and then flattened it. She brushed invisible lint from her clothes and then smoothed them, compulsively.
And then realized how ridiculous it all was. If Emma was going to look at her, she was not going to be concerned with the state of her hair or of her clothes but with her shape and size. She allowed herself the pacing for a while. Her heart was beating too fast and she felt like she was going to come off her skin. She needed to expend some energy. She needed to work it off while she waited. Emma would be there so soon.
.
.
But the hours just passed. She thought that she was just losing track of time. It wasn't as if she could keep an eye on time. There were no clocks, no radios, nor light from outside. She ate and slept when others told her it was time to eat or sleep. Except today, her stomach actually grumbled and the baby grew agitated and so did she and still no one came.
And then Ruby came in with a brown bag of Granny's greasy food and she sat in careful silence and Regina knew that there was something Ruby didn't know how to say.
The first thing that occurred to Regina was that Emma was dead. She felt herself go limp and fall into the cot and saw Ruby stand up as if trying to run to her but the bars were there, right in the way. "No, Regina, no. She's…" But the okay did not come out. Regina looked at her and Ruby was reminded of a lamb she had once, many full moons ago, sacrificed to her blood lust: eyes wide, wide, baleful, unable to ask for mercy. "She's resting. She had to have a little rest."
But Regina heard the things she was not saying. "Is it magic? Did magic do that to her?"
"We don't know. But you need to stay calm."
"I will not stay calm and you can fuck off, Ruby." Regina grabbed at the bars, incensed by the patronizing tone. "Tell me what's happening. Tell me the truth!" But then Regina had a measure of how close she had come to the bars and of her secret being found and she retreated to her cot and pulled the blanket all the way up to her chin. She didn't expect to find comfort in the action, so she was not disappointment that there was no comfort to be had. "I'm sorry, Ruby. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm sorry." She wanted Emma. She wanted to see her and see for herself what state Emma was in. She looked at the bars.
"S'okay. I get it."
"Please, Ruby. Please. Go and see her and tell me how she's doing. Tell her… tell her…" What? Tell her what?
"Should I give her your love?"
"Yes. Yes, please. Please do."
.
.
The worst of it was thinking that Emma knew already, that Henry or Snow or Granny had told her secret. The worst was thinking that Emma knew and wasn't going to come back, wasn't going to give her chance to explain. Not that she had much by way of explanation. She had Magic and True Love but Emma was not the believing kind and honestly, she knew how it sounded, Evil Queen and True Love in the same sentence. It sounded like a joke. Emma had seen too much, been through too much for it to be any different.
The dreams haunted her: Emma's absence through the labor, Snow telling her that Emma wasn't coming because she had broken her heart. She lost perception and the dreams became reality, vivid, biting at her skin. She wanted to sleep away the wait. But sleep was not forthcoming.
She took her diary and wrote.
Once upon a time, there was a little girl born to a prince and his wife, a powerful witch. On the day of her birth, her mother wished for her daughter only beauty so that she could enchant suitors, intelligence, so that she could manipulate them and magic almost as powerful as her own so that the girl could use it but not overcome her mother.
The little girl grew up, loved by her father and harshly trained by her mother in the ways of magic. She never had much interest in it, knowing that all magic comes with a price.
The little girl grew up fair but guided by her mother's blackened heart, she never learned how to love.
When she fell in love, she knew her mother would not approve and, fearing for the fate of her lover, she hid that love from her mother, wrapped up tightly in the deepest place of her heart.
One day, a king passing through her lands stumbled upon the girl and decided that he wanted her for himself. Knowing her mother would be delighted, the princess packed her bags to elope that night. But her mother was a powerful witch and she knew her daughter was planning to escape and knowing what she had promised the king, she cast a curse on her daughter: if she were to leave without marrying the king, she would become a dragon, fierce and violent with poison in its claws and evil in its heart.
The princess knew her mother to be powerful but she could not accept a life without her true love in it. She pleaded with her mother to let her go. To teach her a lesson, her mother unleashed the dragon in her. Terrified, the princess saw her limbs becoming scaly wings and her teeth becoming fangs, her fingers becoming claws. But she was unable to stop the change. Her true love stepped in front of her believing that true love could break the witch's curse. He was wrong. The witch had buried the princess' heart so deep within her dragon body that the princess could not hear her heart and she killed her true love with her very own claws.
But her mother's lesson was not over. The only way for the princess to control the dragon in her was to marry the king. And to ensure that the princess remembered her lesson well, the witch cursed her to be a princess by day and a dragon by night.
The princess did as her mother bid her do. She married the king and became a queen. But the king was old and unkind in many small ways to his queen. The princess wanted to be good, wanted to fight the dragon but the little, small, every day unkindnesses from the king broke what was left of the princess' heart in so many pieces that the only thing that remained was the dragon's heart, cold, scaly, ugly.
One night, the princess turned into a dragon but when the morning came, she could no longer remember she had been a princess. She could no longer remember she had been good and kind and the dragon form took over her.
The dragon flew day and night and terrorized the kingdom with its sharpened, poisonous claws and loud howling screams and it killed many villagers that were unfortunate enough to cross its path. With each death, the dragon became more powerful and the princess it had once been became but a shadow inside the dragon.
The years passed and the dragon grew lonely. Its heart was small and buried deep in its body and its claws were sharp and poisonous. Even when the dragon wished for something more than its lonely tower, it knew that to come close to anyone would man only death- for the villagers because they were too fragile and for itself, because when villagers are afraid, they are dangerous and their aim is true.
When the dragon no longer expected but to die alone in its tower, a knight walked up the steps of its castle. It wasn't much of a knight to look at. The armor was rusty and old and it squeaked and the knight was really quite rude at times.
But the dragon found that company- even from someone who wanted it dead- was better than the utter loneliness of its tower. The dragon had forgotten the language of humans but it craved the warmth that the knight gave off. With its sharp, poisonous claws, the dragon tried its best to approach the knight.
Scared, the knight raised a sword and prepared to kill the dragon and finally free the terrified villagers. The knight raised the sword in the air and aimed, true and fast at the dragon's heart. For a moment, the dragon remembered it had once been and, tired of it, the beast to lie down on the floor and let the knight pierce the sword through its dragon scaly chest and end her curse.
Let this be the end, what was left of the princess inside the dragon wished. Let this be the end. And she closed her eyes, waiting for the sword to strike at her.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
It was a feeling of absolute agony that woke up Emma nearly 20 hours after her arrival: the pain in her limbs, the hunger, the devastation of failure. She opened her eyes because she hadn't cried in her sleep since she'd been five and returned yet once more to the group home. She didn't dare move. Around her, all was silent and for a second she feared she might still be in the forest and nearly called for Leroy, but then she felt the weight of a little body on the mattress next to her, pressed to her side and she heard Henry's soft breathing and when she got her bearings, she was looking at Snow asleep on a chair next to the bed and David sitting at the breakfast bar, staring at his hands in the small pool of light of a tiny lamp.
She wanted to close her eyes and sleep. Her body was depleted of energy and there was no courage left in her. She had her pockets full of dead dust to go with her dead heart. She wanted to go to Regina. She would crawl there if she couldn't walk- which she doubted she could. She doubted she could even stand. But what would she say? How would she shatter Regina's last hope? She closed her eyes and thought that her homesickness for Regina could well wait if Regina could have a few more hours of hope.
There would be time in the morning. And still, a lonely tear managed to slip past her iron will and run from the corner of her eye to the lanky hair at her temple.
.
.
Snow opened her eyes and stared at Emma, staring at her. She saw the devastation as clearly as she saw the undernourishment and only one of those was in her power to do something about. Silently, because Henry was still asleep, a possessive arm draped around Emma's waist, she stood and after a moment of hesitation, she approached Emma and kissed her on the forehead. Emma didn't flinch but she didn't return the gesture either. Snow was at loss but stood and straightened her spine; she had a lot to make up to her daughter for. She had thought and thought about Emma's last words to her before she had left with Leroy and found herself lacking. Lacking in good reasons. She used to be braver than this. She missed that version of herself at times. The righteous one. Now she only found herself walking a fine line between righteous and resentful.
She moved to the kitchen and touched David's arm. There it was, the rock he always was, staring at his hands, lost and all she could do was to walk all over him all over his fatherhood and be the centre of everything. As she had been nearly every day of her life. She wished she'd had someone teach her how to be less self-centered because, somehow, everything always seemed to be about her and she was beginning to think that other people might be a little more than supporting characters in her life. So, as an apology of sorts, she kissed him softly on the cheek and pointed to Emma with her chin. "She's awake."
He stood, uncertain at first but his steps gained strength and he walked to the bed and sat on the edge, close to Emma's head and touched her cheek. Snow knew she should let them have this, that she should be getting busy with feeding Emma and making her strong again but it was mesmerizing and unsettling how Emma touched her father's hand over her cheek and then simply let dry sobs wreck over her body as if she'd been fighting them and it had finally become too much. David just let her hold on to his hand, not making the move she knew he was dying to do, of pulling Emma up and hugging her until his arms fell off.
.
.
She tried not to go overboard with the breakfast tray. She made eggs and added all the calorie heavy foods she could think off: bread and cheese and bacon. She added coffee and a jar of flowers and then removed it and replaced it with a chocolate. She took a deep fortifying breath and then walked as straight as she could to the bed.
Emma was propped against the pillows with Henry still holding on to her, his head over her heart as if had missed the sound. It surprised Snow that Emma was not yet fidgeting or getting up to go and see her. It was probably a testament to Emma's weakened state. That or she was dreading the moment she would have to break the news to Regina. Snow was more willing to bet on that one because the Emma she knew would have crawled if that was the only she could get around.
Emma accepted the tray from her and hesitated before starting to eat. Henry, bless him, broke the silence that was rapidly becoming heavy.
"What did you eat back there, Emma?"
With the discomfort of the long starved, Emma bit into the eggs, turning them around in her mouth.
"A bit of this, a bit of that." But Henry's clear gaze brokered no half words. "Mostly, fruit."
"No bread?"
"We found bread, once… some eggs."
"Where were all the chickens?" Henry asked and Emma looked pained.
"Henry, let your mother eat." Snow chided softly, and maybe because of that, Emma looked at him and made sure she answered.
"I think all that was left was what was rooted to the floor."
That gave Henry pause. He took the fork Emma had put down, loaded it with cheese and eggs and fed her. At least, it made her smile, Snow thought.
"You need to go see Mom, Emma. Please."
"I know, kid. The thing is… I didn't bring anything back… and…"
"But you need to go. You must go because_" And he pressed his lips together so tight they turned white as if he had been holding on to something so very tightly, trying to not let it escape his mouth. Snow thought for a moment that if only she had shut her mouth as tightly as Henry was doing, she might have saved them all of this.
"Henry's right, Emma. You need to go." Snow lowered her eyes to her hands when she spoke.
"Are you in a hurry to see me break her, Snow?"
"That's unfair Emma." David remarked and just then the doorbell rang.
David stood and he went to the door and Snow followed him because it hurt to see the hurt in Emma's expression.
.
.
"It really is, you know?" Henry whispered in Emma's ear.
Ruby came in and she was not alone. Granny, Nova and Leroy were coming with her.
Ruby dashed to the bed and pulled Emma into a fierce hug. "I have a message for you, Dumbass."
Emma clung like the drowning to her friend. She appreciated the breezy tone far more than the fawning her parents had currently going on which was something she was not equipped to deal with. "Regina sends you her love."
"She knows I'm back?" She panicked then.
"Relax. I told her that you needed a rest. I didn't tell her that we found half dead on the road."
"I wasn't…"
"Course not."
"How is she, Ruby? Is she okay?"
"Have a shower Emma." Granny tsked. "Make yourself less like a rag and go see for yourself. I can't imagine it being easy to wait for news like that." And then Granny spared her measuring look. "Finish your food first, though. Looks like you need it even more than that shower. What on earth did they feed you in there?"
Emma started on her eggs again. "We fed ourselves."
"So you hunted?"
"There was nothing to hunt. No animals. Just trees ripped out of the ground." Emma ate as if she had made it a mission get stronger in two bites. Granny sat at the foot of the bed, ready for gossip.
"So, how does it look like?" It earned her a reproachful look from Snow but Emma stuffed more eggs into her mouth and smiled back.
"Like time froze." Nova came and stood by the bed, her eyes wide open. "It was always the same day over and over again. There are trolls and they stink and are vicious bastards—sorry Henry- and not a rabbit or even a fly in sight."
"Probably the trolls finished them all off." Snow was unable to stop herself. Emma gave her a measuring look but did not comment.
"But Leroy, he did not lose an ounce." Nova commented. "I wonder why."
"Nothing Leroy did register there. Not even carving his name on the bark of a tree." Emma pondered.
"And he has very little memory of his time there." Nova supplied.
"Like us of the time we lived here before the curse broke. Maybe," Ruby said, "it's because you were out of there before the curse hit."
"Maybe." Emma stuffed some cheese in her mouth. "But when the trolls attacked and I got cut, the following day it was like nothing had happened."
Snow moved forward pushed by impulse and she wanted to see Emma, all of her and she would have undressed her right there and then if Emma had not sopped her. She raised her top.
"See, nothing, not even a mark. Nothing."
That gave everyone pause. No one knew how to explain it. There were a few maybes that started and then deflated under the weight of their own reasoning.
"Maybe," Henry ventured, "It's like Voldemort not being able to kill Harry because his mother loved him so much she sacrificed herself for him…" Emma's look was the only one with understanding on it. "Can we think about that later? Emma, mom is waiting."
There was a choir of voices then, all of them with a yeah, yeah and butts stood up and moved out of the way. Ruby helped Emma up and to the bathroom.
When there was a modicum of privacy, Ruby sat Emma down. "Why are you really delaying Emma? It's been six months. We've all been waiting for you and it's been hard on everyone but she's the one that's been sitting there and not even pinning her hopes on you. I don't think she ever hand any to get out, but she's been missing the woman she loves, and you should have seen her face when she thought that you might be dead. You should have seen the state of her. So I don't get it, Emma. I don't get how, after all you've done for her, you're now keeping her waiting. I don't get how you didn't fly there."
"Ruby." And the tone was a warning to leave it well alone, but Ruby had never been god at heeding warnings.
"Come one, Dumbass. Out with it." Ruby demanded, hands on her hips.
"I don't know how to tell her, alright? I'm a major screw up and never ever have I done anything right and I made her this promise and I don't know how to tell her that I failed. I'm just gonna be one more person that broke promises to her and don't know how to do that."
"So you're sitting here waiting for a solution to fall from the sky?"
Emma didn't have to reply. Her silence was enough.
Ruby gave Emma a playful slap on the back of the head- which was not to say that it lacked gusto or impact. "Get of your ass, Dumbass. Shower and get going. I have my car parked outside and will give you ride, but failing that, Henry is so hyped up he'll probably fly you there himself."
Emma slid her clothes to the floor, not one thought for modesty and got into the shower. "You're suddenly all very chummy with her."
"It's been six months Emma. She had to talk to someone. Hell, I had to talk to someone."
"So you like her now?"
"When she's not trying to kill my best friend, she's alright, you know? Sad, but alright."
.
.
When Emma exited the apartment, she had a vision of the Red Sea parting for Moses: there was a crowd waiting outside that cheered and patted her on the back if they could reach her. Leroy materialized behind her. "They really have to stop it with this hero bullcrap. Look lively, sister, Ruby's waiting with the car running to bail you out."
She hugged Leroy and left. It seemed to her, from the beating of her heart, that she was going into battle with five hoards of trolls.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Regina heard footsteps coming down the corridor of the mine and though it had been half a year, she knew those steps like she knew her own. Her heart pounded in her chest violently and for a moment she entertained the thought that a heart attack might generate some commiseration from Emma. But then the panic set it and she blew out the candles around her and sat against her dark wall and closed her clothes around her, tightly in her hand. She sat on the floor and prepared for Emma's anger. Maybe a final kiss. Something. Anything.
.
.
Emma noticed her footsteps slowing down but Ruby and Henry had told her to get in there, to do it on her own. Hard love's a bitch.
She took a deep breath and moved into the cave. The first thing that worried her was the darkness. There was some light coming from the torches on the corridor behind her but that was little more that a fridge light in a dark house. "Regina," She called softly just in case Regina was asleep.
A voice answered and it was so small, but it was still the same. It was still Regina. So Emma moved forward until she was flush with the bars and still she could not see anything but a small bundle against the back wall. "R'gina, I can't see… Have they been keeping you in the darkness?" She was ready to turn point and murder her own parents for this. But Regina's disembodied voice interrupted the direction of her murderous thoughts.
"No. No… I was just resting. Talk to me. Talk to me for a little, Emma."
"Let me see you. Let me touch you. I missed you so much."
"Henry's all grown up, don't you think?"
"Regina?" Emma's bullshitmeter was firing up so many signals Emma would have thought it was broken. "Please tell me that you're okay. Did someone hurt you?"
"No." No yet, Regina thought. "No one hurt me." Not yet.
"Then, please, let me see you."
There was such longing in Emma's voice that Regina took a lighter and lit the first candle, easy to find with her eyes accustomed to darkness, and placed it on the little table Charming had assembled for her; then another, placed on the same table. She lit the third candle and placed it on the floor next to her, where she was sitting. And then waited.
Emma's eyes calibrated and she saw it then, Regina sitting Buddha style on the floor. Pregnant. Very pregnant. Six to seven months pregnant if she remembered these things correctly.
Stupidly, the synonyms marched on in her head, stopping any other coherent thought: with child. Expecting. In the family way. Pregnant with some guy's baby.
In Emma's silence, Regina felt the end come for her. Whatever small hope she'd had for this moment, it shrivelled up and died.
"You're pregnant."
Regina let go of the tight grip on her clothes and ran her hand softly over the swell of her belly. "Yes."
"Please let me see you."
For a moment, Regina was scared. Everything in her life prepared her for Emma lashing out, hurt her, maybe even hurt the baby. Just like her mother had done. No. Emma would never. But she can leave. Emma could take one look at her and leave. She stood and moved to the bars within Emma's easy reach, her head held high, defiance written all over her.
"You look so beautiful, Regina." She looked Emma up and down and was suddenly aware of why Emma had needed that rest. She was impossibly thin and her eyes were sunken in dark pools, her cheeks hollow. She wanted to touch Emma, to feel for herself how extensive the damage was.
"How far along?" Emma's fingers were itching to touch but it felt like it was not her right.
Regina could have told her exactly how far along, down to the last minute: twenty-seven weeks and two days and eleven hours. But she opted for the more general "Almost seven months." And still she held her chin high. Just waiting. Emma wouldn't believe her. She had dreamt it. Her legs wanted to give under her but there was that damned back bone that always kept her standing.
"Whose… who's the huh…"
Emma struggled for words and her jaw worked around the words. Nothing. Her brain spewed out exactly zilch. What was more, she wasn't even sure she wanted to know. Or maybe she did. Maybe she wanted to find the lucky son of a bitch and murder him in his sleep for leaving Regina in that prison, alone. Or maybe just look at him and see how she compared.
She hoped Regina would say it didn't matter. That it was not important. That she didn't remember the name, that it had been meaningless. That Emma could stay by her side, within reach. Anything that would allow her to stay close. Something that would unbreak her heart.
"Sorry. I'm sorry. Not my business. Do you want me to go away? I won't be in the way."
"Emma..."
Emma prepared to leave. Whoever it was, he didn't deserve her. Not after the trial Regina had faced on her own. But the heart wants what the heart wants and Emma didn't think she could survive seeing anyone come around and…
"It's yours." Regina's voice was oddly strangled.
"Huh?"
"Eloquent as always."
"I thought you said_"
"Yours."
"There it is again…"
For the first time, Regina gave into the anxiety. She covered her belly with her hands as if she could protect her baby from Emma's rejection. "I know you don't believe me. I am… well. I am what I am and I don't think it could be any more trailer trash than this but yes, it's yours. Emma."
"Mine as in I can be close to it or_"
"Her. Or him. Not it. Yours, Emma. Yours as in I-haven't-been-with-anyone-since-Graham-yours. Yours."
Seeing Regina standing there so straight against the bars, all that Emma could think was of all the trees in the Enchanted Forest, ripped out of the earth. And the little oak sapling at their arrival spot. Regina looked like that sapling, small and fragile, facing off with a storm."
"Mine."
For all her iron will, Emma could not stop herself and the tears started flowing down her face. And Regina could only think of Snow asking her not to break Emma's heart. All her life, this was all that she'd ever accomplished to hurt the ones she loved.
Emma leaned against the bars. "Can I touch…" She asked pointing her chin at Regina's midsection. Regina nodded because her throat was closed with tears and fear. Emma was saying goodbye.
"Mine."
"I don't expect you to believe me. I know how impossible what I am telling you is and I…." She sighed and gave up. "I don't expect you to believe me."
Emma was too entranced with Regina's belly, the firmness of it, the stretch of the skin under the wool of her clothes. Her hand cupped the mound softly, without moving, light as a feather.
She spoke so quietly Regina almost missed it. "Did you know that trolls hunt with very short knives?"
To Regina, the significance of the statement was dire, threatening, but she didn't move. This was Emma and Emma would never hurt her.
"They like the thrill of the kill, I think. Trolls, Regina. The trolls are the cockroaches of the Enchanted Forest. When your curse hit, it ripped out all the trees from the forest. Everything else is gone, down to the last ant. But the trolls are there. I guess no one is perfect. All the trees ripped out, like pins in a bowling lane. But 29 years after, there isn't a dry leaf in them. The fruit on them hasn't been touched by decay. We woke up every day in the same place the hat dumped us. Time does not go by. It is still the same day you cast the curse there. A hotel California kind of deal, you know? You can check out any time you like but you can never leave." Her hand was rubbing small careful circles on Regina's belly. For a moment Regina had an inkling of what it could have been. How good it could have been. This was her real punishment. Hurting Emma like this. Tears fell then. Nothing more to lose. She wanted to touch Emma, touch that beautiful face but was too afraid she'd be refused.
"I missed you so much." Regina's breath was heavy and difficult. Emma reached out through the bars and touched Regina's chin with her finger and brought her close. Regina knew she would be kissed but she didn't know the intention of the kiss. It's so easy to hurt with a kiss: a last kiss, a goodbye kiss. A cruel kiss. But when Emma's lips touched hers, the kiss had only warmth and sweetness and longing and Regina surrendered to it. If this was going to be her last kiss, she would do it right. She kissed back with all her heart and soul, with the abandon she only felt with Emma.
"I had your heart in my hands. It's mine. Regina, you're both mine. I know magic when I see it. I would have taken it anyway you let me have it, staying close or watching from afar, but its mine. The baby's mine." And Emma knew how pathetic she looked, how unlike herself. She wiped her face with her sleeve, trying to get some semblance of control. But Regina took her wrist in her hand and Emma saw what Regina did: swollen and bruised. And her hands, pathetically blistered and broken.
"You still do, Emma. My heart is still in your hands. You found the mine."
And that last part was nothing but a statement of fact, empty, so distant from the vivid emotion that had colored the beginning of that sentence. Emma broke down truly then, her chest heaving with bad, ugly sobs. "Yeah."
"And there was nothing there."
Emma turned her hands up, showing them hurt and empty.
"I think it's a girl." Regina said with a smile, desperately trying to change the topic. But Emma had a moment of horrible clairvoyance then: Regina alone, giving birth behind bars, not a doctor near her, not a shoulder to lean on, not a medicine to help her and she wanted to scream until her voice broke. Regina would have a baby alone behind bars. Their baby.
She threw a tantrum. She kicked and pushed at the bars, pulled at her hair. "Tinkerbelle. There's Tinkerbelle. Where the hell is that one from? Oz? Neverland? I'm gonna go get that one. I watched cartoons, you just have to shake her like a salt shaker and the stuff falls off of her. She has fairy dust. I'm gonna_"
"Emma, no. Please." But Emma was beyond any listening. The hat. She needed the hat and she needed Leroy. Maybe even the hatter this time around just because she was on a tight schedule but she was_ "Emma. I'll beg if I have to. Please don't. Please don't leave me again."
"Regina, you're having a baby_"
"Listen to me, Emma. I need you to be here. I need you here when the baby's born. I need you to take her away because this is no place for a baby. You need to be here. Please. Please don't leave me. I don't think I can do this on my own." And she held Emma's hand compulsively, forgetting about the blistered hands and the swollen wrists. Regina just held Emma's hands and begged her to stay.
"Regina, I lied. I lied, alright!" Emma slid down the bars until she was on the floor."I lied to you and to Henry. I lied through my freaking teeth. I didn't give Henry up to give him his best chance. I wasn't thinking that far head. Which was stupid, I know, but I wasn't thinking about best anything. I just wanted him for me. I wanted to keep him with me. I wanted to have a family for once. And I could have done it. I could've had him in the cell with me. He could've slept there and all I needed were some diapers, you know? Just some diapers. I wanted to keep him with me so badly. But I was in a prison that did not have a motherhood support program. They had no idea and no wish to let me keep him. I just needed three months but they told me that he had to go. That I could have some relative or someone come and pick him up and take care of him for those three months. Three months. But I didn't have anyone. So they told me to give him up, that it would be best. They brought me the papers and told me how good it would be for him, because while he was little and cute it would be easy for someone to want him and that if I kept him and then had to give him away, it would be worse because no one wants the older kids. I was eighteen, Regina. They pointed the dotted line to me. Told me to tick the closed adoption box. I was eighteen and scared. But the moment he was out and they put him on my chest? All I wanted was to keep him. I held him for all of five minutes while they cleaned me up. I'm never going to be okay about that, Regina. Never. And I'm not going to let you do that. We'll find a way, I swear, but you do not give up the baby. I'm not going to let you. Please do not ask me that, Regina, I can't take her from you. I can't."
"I didn't know… Emma… I…"
"Don't make me do it."
"Don't go. Don't leave me. The baby will be fine with you. "
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Emma asked Gold. Again. She went to the shop and talked herself into being nice and polite and thankful. Midway through the conversation, she threw in pathetic and subservient. But he only smirked cryptically then refused. Again.
"Why? What else can you get out of her?"
"I can ensure gets the same result I did, deary. A big fat nothing. It's only fair, after all."
She perused the library books and Henry's book. She talked to Nova and did everything she could without Regina noticing.
.
.
Regina didn't seem to notice when Emma was away longer. She was writing stories for her daughter, filling the pages of her diary. The dreams would not leave her, always ending with Snow taking her baby and leaving her to die alone in that cell. She made her peace with it. She now had all that mattered. But she prepared to leave her daughter with her version of Emma's baby blanket.
.
.
Whale was taken to check up on Regina. Emma picked him up from the hospital and though she told him where they were going, she didn't tell him why. When he walked into the cave and laid eyes on Regina, he whistled. "I do hope you won't sue me for alimony. You never paid me enough, Mayor." There was a playful glint to his eyes that Emma missed. And even if she hadn't. Her fist whirled in the air and hit Whale squarely on the chin.
"Shut the hell up and do your job."
"Well, shit, what is with you Charmings? Did you not get your funny bone installed?" Emma advanced on him and he was quick to pull back. "It was just a joke, Sheriff. Besides, black eyes and broken fingers make for poor diagnostics…"
"Look at me laughing. Get to work, and if you touch her in any inappropriate way, you won't live to regret it, got it?"
"Yeah, okay… but you do know that this is not my area of expertise, right? My experience comes from a curse. Same thing as cereal box, really."
"You're a doctor."
"In title. If this were an autopsy, not problem. Totally your guy. But this… this is so the opposite…"
"When Emma geared up to punch him again, he moved to the bars and looked pleadingly at Regina.
"Really, Emma, terrorizing the doctor might be fun but this is the only fully functional one in Storybrooke."
Emma just gave her a rueful look.
"I don't really… oh, very well. I can measure you, Regina and have a listen to your heart and the baby's. But without an ultrasound or anything really… I mean… Sheriff..."
"Do you see a key on that door? No? Then get to it."
Regina thoroughly enjoyed seeing Whale tap-dance out of Emma's way. It went a long way to distract her from the fact that she'd had zero antenatal care so far and that any number of things could be wrong.
Whale measured her and listened to her heart and that of the baby's and made short affirmative sounds. She wouldn't have thought to ask, but he offered her the stethoscope and asked her if she wanted to listen to her baby's heartbeat. Oh, it was all she could think. Oh. And for the first time, she cried good tears.
If he could do nothing else for her, that would have been enough. She sat on the floor by the bars, crushed by that moment. Her baby's heartbeat was strong and steady and fast as a little bird's. When he left, he gave her the stethoscope like would have given a candy to a child.
.
.
It went a long way to appease Emma, to so see Regina so happy. Hell, it went a long way to make Emma happy. She sat facing Regina and took her turn with the stethoscope and her heart just seized in her chest when she heard it for the first time, strong, powerful, th-thump, th-thump, th-thump. Softly, Emma slid the stethoscope up, up, up until it rested over Regina's heart. Th-thump, th-thump, th-thump, th-thump, th-thumpth-thumpth-thumpth-thump. She pressed her face against the bars and when Regina mirrored the action, Emma melded their mouths together until it made no difference whether or not there were bars between them.
.
.
David came by a few days after that with Doc in tow. He blushed furiously but managed to spurt to Emma, in a more or less comprehensible way, that both Regina and the baby should be checked. That they should make sure that the baby was okay.
"Hold the train wreck for a second. How the hell did you even know?"
"Your mom…"
"She knows?" Regina panicked.
"Well, you had Whale in here. Everyone knows by now. A secret with him is like butter on a dog's nose. But I knew before… I think I knew. I suspected. What?" He looked at Emma's wide open mouth. "I'm a guy, not stupid. Snow had these dreams… about you two…"
Emma looked at Doc, standing thee, the patience of a tree. "He's a dwarf, David. A miner. What does he know about childbirth?"
"Well, he delivered you."
Emma turned on her heals. "That actually explains a lot." She deadpanned.
"He can help Emma. Let him make sure that my grandchild is okay."
Emma had half a mind to refuse but Doc was already on the floor next to Regina, examining her heart and her breathing and the baby's heartbeat and smiling beatifically. Regina herself had her own stethoscope and was moving it around the smooth skin where Doc directed her to, nodding at whatever the dwarf was saying with a small smile on her face. And then it registered what David had said.
"You don't even question it?"
"It's a first, Emma, I'll give you that, but ever since I met your mom, this is not even the most impressive magic I've seen. It's one of the best, though." He pulled his daughter into his arms and took the hug she let him have for a few brief seconds. Then she pulled back but it was enough. It was enough, he told himself. "If it helps, Emma, I think people are, for the most part, genuinely rooting for everything to go well. Haven't you noticed yet, how people seem to be a little bit happier for no apparent reason? Like there's hope in the air, after so long…" She didn't know what to say about that. So she turned to Regina, smiling, smiling.
"Are you okay with this, Regina?"
Regina looked up and her expression sobered up. "We need all the help we can get, Emma."
"Fine." Emma adopted a long suffering expression that was more to make Regina smile that anything else. "Okay, Doc, you're hired too."
.
.
Emma came in with lunch. Emma had restarted her daily run to Granny's but Ruby had pointed out that Snow had been taking Regina food all along and it had to be healthier than all the fried food or even the salads. "It's better for the… huh" and she drew a pregnant belly in front of herself.
Emma repeated her order as her only reply: she was not interested. But when she got to the mine, Regina confirmed. Snow had been bringing her food all those months. Good food that did not make her sick, that was nutritious and healthy.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because every time I bring up Snow, you get your feathers all ruffled. She was good to me, Emma." Emma snorted in derision. "You should give her a chance."
When dinner time came around, Emma went to her mother and asked a favor.
Anything for Regina, she told herself. Even an injection on the forehead. Or almost anything. She doubted she would ever forgive her mother for this even if Regina asked.
.
.
It was taking its toll on Emma, Regina could see it. The back and forth between the mine and town, the not doing, the not getting up and go do something about the bars, the wait. It was crushing her, because she was the doing sort. Emma was a doer.
And it was probably selfish of Regina but she could not let her go. Having Emma there with her, even across the bars, gave her peace, centered her. She could sit and just concentrate on the baby growing healthy and on making peace with herself. On leaving something good of herself behind for her baby, for Henry, for Emma when she was gone. She was operating under the belief that she would not survive the birth and wanted Emma close by to care for the baby. It was selfish. She wanted things her way and Emma was letting her have it when everything in her screamed otherwise.
So when Emma came in, her steps just a little bit unsteady, Regina was not surprised or angry. She sat by the bars and waited for Emma to join her.
"Are you drunk?"
"Yeah…" Emma seemed to be doing some dangerous math in her head. "Pretty much."
"Where's Henry?" Regina pushed a lock of hair out of Emma's face.
"With God."
"Oh… I didn't know He was visiting."
"Potato, potahto. Snow Effin' White and Prince Bleedin' Charming. God, as it were. Didn't you get the memo?"
"I thought we were past this. Why are you drunk?" There was infinite patience in Regina's tone.
Emma waved her hand around illustrating a point before she got to it. "I thought it was a good occasion, y'a know? I get a hero's welcome, fucking parades on the street and pats on the back every day. But I failed. I failed you. I failed our kid… our kids. I'm a fuckin' screw up. I screw up everything."
"Not true."
"So true." Emma counted on her fingers. "Henry. Your curse. Your trial. My parents. You. Everything. So I thought to myself, 'this calls for a drink, Emma'. Don'tcha think? A little one. Just a little one. Do you want some?"
"I'm getting drunk just on your breath, dear."
"Oh god. The baby. That's not good for the baby. I'm sorry. R'gina, I'm sorry. I…" Emma tried to get up but, it seemed, her feet were in the way of that. It broke Regina's heart.
"Come here, Emma." She grabbed Emma's wrist and pulled her down to her. Emma put her forehead against the bars and Regina took the opportunity to kiss her on the forehead because, really, whatever Emma had drunk was truly vile.
"I'm sorry, R'gina."
Regina took Emma's hand and placed on her belly. "I would not have any other way, Emma. You gave me back my heart and hope, Henry, a baby. Whatever the cost, it was worth it. I would exchange thirty years of curse for a day of this. You are my hero, did you know that?" Emma sniffled and snorted all at the same time. "You've been saving me since the day you arrived in Storybrooke. So don't talk about the woman I love like that. Not even you are allowed…"
It was a strange little smile that Emma gave her, full of tears and of the mirth Regina loved so much. When Emma opened her shirt, Regina's breath caught in her chest. There was such tenderness in the gesture of opening the buttons, such softness in that palm against the stretched skin on her belly. Her body reacted easily as the earth does to the rain, but Emma leaned against the bars and the alcohol did its job and lulled her to sleep, her hand still on Regina.
~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~SQ~
Regina woke from the usual dream of Snow taking her baby and spiriting her away into a mist while she died on her own still feeling the pain from the birth. And then it wasn't. Then she was fully awake and there was a twinge of pain coming softly, on tiptoes, every once in a while. She knew that this was it, this was the moment, but she needed more time. She knew the endgame, but she was not ready to let go of this, of her baby, of Henry. She was not ready to let go of Emma and of how it felt to be happy. So she kept it to herself. Maybe, it would go away. It was something so irregular, so far apart that maybe, just maybe, it was just a warning. Just a warning.
By the time Snow brought lunch, she was sure. She had figured out the rhythm, like the waves softly crashing on the shore. Snow paused for a second and gave her a studious look but did not comment. Every time she did, Emma lashed out, so she kept her silence but the understanding in her eyes was sufficient for Regina to know Snow was current with the event. She reminded herself that she knew the ending to this story. There was no point worrying.
But by dinner time, her time had run out. By dinner time, she was walking the length of her cell, pacing and knowing exactly when to stop, hold on to the bars and, silently, ride out the pain. Emma stood and paced with her, back and forth. When the next contraction hit, Emma was standing too close for Regina to successfully disguise it. Emma put her hands on the bars so Regina could hold on to her and not the burning metal.
"It's time, isn't it?"
Regina simply nodded, sweat pearling on her forehead.
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Because, Emma, you're like a tank full of petrol just waiting for a match to blow up." She resumed the pacing because it did help. "I just wanted that calm for a little longer. I just wanted to be happy for a little while longer."
She saw Emma making herself behave and relax. On the floor, Henry put down his book and turned on his side to sleep. "Good night, Mom. 'Night Memma."