A/N:
Just one chapter being posted today... Hope you enjoy
Mutual freak out, Hurt/Comfort warning.
Audioslave: Cochise
"I'm not a martyr, I'm not a prophet, and I won't preach to you, but here's a caution; You better understand, that I won't harm your hand, But if it helps you mend, then I won't stop it.
Go on and save yourself, and take it out on me."
SPNSPNSPNSPNSPSNPNSPSNPSNPSNPSPN+++++++++++++++++++++++It was late when they got to Lebanon, too late to drive on to Salina.
There was a dog in the bunker.
Okay so the dog was sandwiched on the sofa between Inias and Sam. Dean's brother was in seventh heaven, rubbing the belly of said dog and tickling her nipples. Turns out Doggie was a bitch, much like Dean's life. Dean revised his life assessment upwards when Castiel brought him some Bing Bongs from the freezer.
Life was actually pretty sweet. Dean was just being grouchy. He got a Star Trek marathon on a re-run channel. Inias was fascinated by the show and stayed blessedly quiet.
The endless questions on the final stage of their journey had been headache inducing. Inias had found his voice and wanted the benefit of Castiel's experience. Dean hadn't the heart to correct Castiel's assertions about having long voicemail prompts and the effective use of lying. He figured Inias would find out what worked for him soon enough.
Sam had taken Inias for a 'chat' after their arrival. Dean suspected he was doing his emo-talk gig with the ex-angel. He had to admit that Inias's eyes were brighter when they got back from the library. Sam had some serious psych-mojo.
Dean rustled up a late supper of chicken subs. He made a tomato one for Inias. Sam pulled the chicken out of his and fed it to the dog. Dean strategically ignored it.
In bed, Castiel pulled him in close. "You are a wonderful man, Dean."
Dean rolled his eyes. "Stop Cas. I just wanna sleep in our own bed."
"You are. Your soul is stunning in its brilliance."
"Shuddup."
"You don't want me to compliment you Dean." Castiel sounded a mix of curious and disappointed.
"You can compliment my ass."
"You have a firm and gorgeous ass that takes my cock beautifully. You have no idea how sensual it is to see your skin stretched around me." Castiel sneaked his hand into Dean's shorts and began to stroke him to hardness.
"Fuck Cas." Dean moaned and pushed his hips back into Castiel's body. He arched and grinded back as Castiel continued to jerk him inside his shorts.
"You give so much Dean. I can't tell you how special that makes you." Castiel used his other hand to release his own hard cock from his shorts. He eased Dean's pants down and rubbed length up and down between Dean's cheeks. He ran his hand over Dean's head, smearing it with pre-come and speeding up his motion. "Yeah Dean, like that, push back, come on."
"Cas. Fuck. Gonna come. Gonna with you riding my crack." Dean hissed.
"Good, good, I'm going to… Dean…" Castiel's come shot over the back of Dean's shorts, but Dean couldn't care because he was coming all over Castiel's hand and his stomach and the sheets.
Both men sagged back, heads hitting the pillows. "Syncro-freaking-nized." Dean sighed.
"You see Dean, it just took some practice."
"Is that what we were doing?"
"My knee was too sore for fucking."
Dean laughed, "Seriously man, you are picking up a dirty mouth."
"I bow to your superior vocabulary."
Dean twisted around to face Castiel. He lifted a hand to his lover's face, "You're good Cas, are you? After the hunt and Inias and all?"
"Yes Dean. I'm good." Castiel affirmed.
"Good then." Dean replied. "Cause you'd tell me if you weren't?"
Castiel didn't answer but he tilted his head to take Dean's lips in a deep kiss.
Somewhere in the bunker a dog barked.
SPNSPNSPNSPSNPSNPSNPSNSPNSPSNSPNSPNSPSNPSN++++++++++++++++++++++
They ran into Leslie in Salina. Dean was sure that the red scarf tied around the guy's neck was part of the female staff uniform, but he wasn't going to judge what someone wore. Leslie was all over Sam and Inias.
"You have such handsome, and tall, friends, Dean." Leslie simpered, rubbing a hand on Sam's chest.
"Leslie Andover, meet Inias Russell and my brother Sam." Dean pointed at each as a quick introduction.
"Oooh your name is Russell and you have a Jack Russell, that is so cute." Leslie bent down to rub Doggie's head.
Inias opened his mouth, and Dean knew he was going to explain that he was named after his dog, so Dean jumped in with a what-a-coincidence comment. Seriously he was going to start giving classes or charging a fee for angel ass covering. Luckily Leslie was on his way to a viewing, but somehow he managed to persuade everyone that it was a good idea for Sam, Dean and Castiel to meet Paul and Leslie that evening at the only half decent bar in Lebanon.
Dean graciously took Sam to Salina Whole Foods while Castiel settled Inias in. Castiel looked disturbed when he met them back at the Impala.
"Rough leaving him there Cas?" Sam asked from his shotgun seat.
"No. Inias has settled already. He found Debriel, an angel not of my acquaintance but she had been on mission with Inias in the past." Castiel sighed and stared out the window.
"OK I'll bite," Dean called back, "what's eating Gilbert Grape?"
"Inias wanted to see the Cathedral." Castiel said.
"And?"
"The priest gave us a tour."
"Uh-huh?"
"Inias asked for absolution." Castiel spat out the words. "What does he have to be absolved for? Inias is pure. He always was pure. And who is there, at home, to hear the Father's prayers? The one that cast Inias out."
"Perhaps it made Inias feel better." Sam volunteered.
"There could be nothing that Inias had to confess, and there is no one there to absolve him of any imaginary sins, no one to grant absolution to those of us who do have acts to atone for. I do not see the point of going through the ritual of confession and absolution."
"There is healing in action." Sam tried to explain, "People of faith find comfort in religion, but those of doubt also derive solace from the rites and rituals."
Castiel didn't comment.
Sam changed the subject to that evening's meet up with Paul and Leslie. Mostly though he talked to himself. Dean was running Castiel's words through his head. He picked out the words about having things to atone for. He flashed back to their conversation when Cas had gotten out of Purgatory. Was Cas still holding on to all that penance crap?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++SPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPNSPSNPNS
Toby's Bar and Grill was approximately half full of evening patrons when Sam and Paul had their who's taller face off. Paul won but Sam wanted Paul's cowboy boot heels measured by an independent adjudicator.
Sweet sticky BBQ ribs, and a more sober Castiel than the last night in Concordia, led to a real pleasant meal in Dean's humble opinion. He was a little worried that Castiel wasn't contributing to the banter, but he knew the former angel was trying to be on his best behavior after the last disaster.
There was no pie but Sam got a lemon drizzle cake so he was happy. After dessert Leslie wanted to play a drinking game. Paul objected because Leslie was drinking sarsaparilla. Sam threw back his head and laughed in a way that warmed Dean's heart, and made them both agree.
It was a modified form of Truth or Dare. They each got to ask a question that everyone had to answer but everyone got one pass or veto. Dean eased back into the booth, trailing his hand on Castiel's thigh. He hoped this game wasn't going to trip anybody up, but he was willing to give it a shot for the sake of a sociable night out.
Paul went first: Your longest relationship?
Paul answered his own question with a saccharine grin, "Leslie."
Castiel answered "Dean."
Dean answered, "Lisa." There was a time he couldn't say her name. He glanced to his right. Cas nodded in acknowledgement.
He waited for Sam to answer Jessica but he used his veto. Maybe Sam was regretting agreeing to play now. Who knew what went on in that noggin?
Leslie answered "Brandon, but another few weeks and you'll have him beat Budgie."
Sam wanted to know first kiss but clarified that it could be innocent kiddies' kiss, as he didn't want gory details.
Dean smirked and said "Linda under the playground tree in Sioux Falls."
Sam snorted, "What about Tina in Rapid City?"
Dean corrected himself, "Tina in Rapid City in front of Sam's elementary school."
Leslie teased, "I could call that a fail and you got prompted, darling, but you did answer. My buddy Gary's older brother Tim at the teenage disco."
"Balthie under a full moon." Castiel said from behind steepled fingers.
Dean never thought. He wondered when that was, but he wasn't going to ask in case he got told 1614 or 6000BC or three years ago.
"Amy," Sam smiled softly, "in her family room."
"Freda Williams at the school dance," Paul grinned, "made me wish it was her brother Matthew. Your turn Les."
"What were you doing ten years ago? I was in New York exploring my sexuality." Leslie gave a smug head shake.
Sam nearly spluttered his drink over the table, "I was… let's see June 2003… exams, Stanford."
"I was on a mission. It had to do with Thursdays." Castiel said cryptically. Dean was proud of him.
"I was…" Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "… I was in Stanford. Ahem, Sam and weren't talking, but I'd… ahem… been injured on a hunt and our Dad had an urgent job… so I had to hole up until my ribs healed, so I kind of spied on Sammy for a few weeks."
"You did?" Sam asked.
"Uh, Yeah?"
"Thanks." Sam said raised his beer to Dean.
"Ten years ago I was being air-vacced out of Tigrit with a bullet in my stomach." Paul sucked in his lip. That put a dampener on the game. Sam asked Paul a few questions about Iraq and the dude seemed willing to talk about it. Leslie looked chastened that his own question had brought up Paul's honorable discharge. Castiel moved closer to Dean and whispered that he had never gotten to ask his question.
"Ask me." Dean whispered back.
"I was going to ask what everyone would do if they were invisible."
"I'd braid Sam's hair." Dean chuffed.
"I'd watch you sleep." Castiel replied.
"You have to come up with new material, Cas." Dean punched Castiel in the arm. Expecting a grin, he was taken aback to see a hurt look cross Cas's face.
"I'm going for a breath of air." Leslie announced.
"I will join you." Castiel stood up. Dean raised a hand to stop him or apologize for unintentionally hurting his prickly feelings, but Cas was gone.
Dean half listened to some discussion of marksmanship and snipers that Sam and Paul were having. Sam wanted to know the best way to get sand out of a rifle.
"Honestly Sam, where do you store all that knowledge?" Dean snorted.
"You never know Dean. A mark in Death Valley, and you'll only be too happy I had this conversation with Corporal Kerry here."
Paul looked around, "Where are Les and Castiel?"
"Gone to stretch their legs," Dean answered.
"How long ago?"
"A while, why?"
"I'm going to look for them." Paul stood up.
Dean cocked an eyebrow at Sam. "Protective much?" He asked when Paul had headed for the back of the bar.
"Where have they gone Dean? Maybe we should check?"
Dean rolled his eyes and quirked his lips, but he pulled out his phone to call Cas. It went to voicemail.
"Come on Sam." He called as he slid out of the booth. He nearly collided with Paul who was back.
"They are not here. I'm going to look outside."
It was Sam who found them first, huddled in a door way across the street with a lanky teenager, sharing a joint.
Paul went apeshit.
Dean watched his friend march Leslie to his truck. He heard Paul roar at Leslie with such force that an earth tremor might have pinged on the US Geological Survey. All the time a terrible numbness was creeping up his body. The joint hung from Castiel's fingers. It's red tip taunting him like a crossroad demon's eye. He gripped Castiel's wrist so tight, the former angel dropped the spliff to the ground. Dean heard Sam's voice telling him he was going to fracture Cas's wrist. He pulled Cas to the impala, opened the back door and shoved the wide-eyed man in.
Sam just about made it into the passenger side before Dean drove away. His brother tried to speak to him, Cas said something. It was all white noise.
At the bunker, Dean caught Castiel and manhandled him onto a chair. He spoke for the first time, "Sit."
Cas nodded.
Sam trailed him, full of puppy dog concern and "Talk to me Dean."
First stop the infirmary. Vicodin, Codeine, the two vials of morphine they nearly got arrested stealing, the OxyCotin from when he broke his leg, all emptied into an upturned first aid box.
Sam's hand grazed his on the way to his bedroom, but he didn't stop.
Back of the closest the workman blue jacket on the top of the box.
"Dean this is insane."
Dean stopped outside Sam's bedroom, "Give me your drugs Sam. They did give you pain meds in the hospital?"
"What?"
"Hand 'em over, Sam." Dean held out his hand.
"Percocet. I need it."
"Hand it over."
Dean waited in a state of frozen suspension. Sam huffed but handed it over. Dean made his way to library and around the other side of the table from Castiel who was still sitting waiting.
Dean pulled back the old map and spun open the safe. The Percocet and emergency morphine went in. All the other items, including the jacket got burned in a gasoline accelerated fire in a galvanized bucket outside the entrance.
Dean made his way to Castiel. He was aware of Sam at his shoulder, hovering.
"Why?"
Castiel licked his lips, "Leslie said it would help my knee ache and take the edge off."
"Did it?"
"Yeah."
"Do you want another one?"
"Not if it hurts you." Castiel pleaded.
"Go to bed, Cas." Dean blew out a long breath.
"Are you coming?"
"Just go to bed." Dean sighed. "You too Sam."
They both left the room. Dean knew Sam didn't go to bed. He suspected his brother was cleaning up the mess of scattered items he had left in his wake. Dean took a walk to the kitchen and poured himself a long shot of Hunter's Helper.
Back in the library he sat there, not feeling much of anything, holding the whiskey like a talisman.
"What the hell happened?" Sam approached Dean like a zoo keeper with an enraged tiger.
Dean knew he probably looked like crap. His face felt like the blood had drained from it, "It's happening."
"What Dean? I need more to go on here."
"It's 2013. Bobby's dead. The Angels are in effect Gone. Cas is human. There is probably a geek in a lab somewhere with his Haz Mat suit undone experimenting with old Petri dishes as we speak." Dean sucked in his bottom lip and gave a tiny head shake.
"I don't get it." Sam said softly pulling out a chair to sit beside his older brother.
"Croatoan."
"Dean, Bobby and I destroyed all that."
"Cas was smoking a joint." Dean said with emphasis.
"Talk to me, Dean."
Dean swallowed hard, "He said no matter what I did we would end up there."
"Where?"
"2014. Detroit. You." Dean closed his eyes. Sam was going to make him say it. He would push and push until he got his freaking answers, "Satan."
Castiel had approached softly so that Dean was unaware of him until he wrapped his arms around Dean's shoulders from behind. His voice was deep and level in Dean's ear, "That future is gone Dean. It was gone as soon as you took Sam back."
Castiel rocked his body against Dean's. Sam looked like he wanted to ask more, but he bit his tongue. Dean raised a hand to hold on to Cas's arm.
"You can't do that to me, Man." Dean croaked. A single tear rolled down his cheek.
Castiel let go and spun around to kneel in front of Dean's chair, "I won't. I didn't even like it. It made my mind seem as if it was not my own. I prefer to be in control of my own thoughts."
"Good" Dean gulped and put his hand on Castiel's neck. "Good then."
"You guys OK?" Sam asked.
"Yes Sam," Castiel answered twisting around, "We'll be fine."
"OK so. I'm going to bed." Sam rose and left them alone.
"Cas, what did you mean taking the edge off?"
"Dean…" Castiel paused as if he was trying to find the words, "It is difficult to do this, to function as a graceless human. Sometimes I think I can't go on. Sometimes I remember how peaceful it was in the psychiatric hospital. If I can't do this would you take me back there?"
"You don't need a loony bin Cas."
"You don't know Dean. I have all these feelings and physical sensations. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my hands." Castiel looked down at the backs of his hands as if they were alien features.
"So you thought that being dosed full of psych meds or narcotics was a better choice than telling me that you have been feeling like this." Dean rocked back in his seat, a sense of disbelief growing.
"The sadness comes and goes. Not a problem when we are together. But it came over me in Toby's restroom. It was embarrassing. There was no toilet paper. I am an angel of the lord. I was. I felt dirty and soiled and I am so human and weak and I am useless now."
"Stop that, Cas. Stop beating on yourself. I'm here. You can talk to me." Dean caught Cas's hands and held on to them. "Hell, if you feel angry and frustrated take a swing at me. Take it all out on me. I'd prefer a cracked cheekbone than seeing you turn into…"
"I'm not going to hit you Dean." Castiel hung his head, "How can you want me here, Dean? I don't know how to stop failing to meet your expectations. I am completely useless."
"No! Cas. Fuck it Cas. I don't have any expectations. There are no 10-easy-steps for the Suddenly Human. You are not useless. Stop. Please don't cry Cas. I'm going to take care of you. How can you think you are useless? I don't want you for your smiting, or location zapping, or quickie healing. I want you Cas. I need you."
"I need you too. I'm sorry," Castiel shifted closer and Dean pulled him up onto his lap in an awkward hug.
"Don't apologize. Just don't go down that road. Come to me. Tell me when something is wrong. I'll listen Cas. We'll figure it out together. And you aren't troubling me. I love you man." Dean bit down on the inside of his lip, "I love you, not your angel BAMF. I love your humor, your kindness, your efforts to do right, your greenness and newness. I love that you are human but I would love you the same as angel. OK. We good?"
"One I love you would have sufficed."
"Motherfucker Cas, I hung my soul out there…"
Castiel put a finger to Dean's lips. "As first expressions go, in my limited experience, that was pretty awesome."
Dean smiled, "I aim to please."
"I am very pleased, Dean."
"Good then?"
"Good." Castiel confirmed and tightened his arms around Dean.
"No more secrets?"
"I burned the missing oven tray and buried it in the woods."
"OK." A small smile broke across Dean's face. Castiel was so earnest in his confession.
"I used your toothbrush in error."
"Once?"
"Yes Dean. Inias and I gave Doggie the last of the chicken."
"Anything else?"
"I don't regret falling for you."
"You didn't."
"I was."
"I don't know that to say, Cas."
"Don't say anything." Castiel eased himself off Dean's crushed thighs and held out a hand to his partner.
Dean took it and found himself pulled up and in tight for a close lipped gentle caress.