A.N. - I can only humbly apologise for how long it's taken for me to update.

This starts gloomy but perks up near the end. We need some happiness in this fic.

Cas's world was one of pain and humiliation. On the fourth day of being confined inside his own home, he stood in the bathroom completely naked staring into the mirror. His skin was white, almost grey. He was desperately underweight. Since his marriage he found that he had slowly lost his appetite until he now rarely ate anything. He drank a lot more though. He got through a number of bottles of wine each week. He opened his mouth and looked at his tongue. It was beginning to blacken from the heavy alcohol levels. He wondered if Dean's was the same? Of course there was a difference between him and Dean, namely that Dean was alcohol dependent and Cas was not. Cas just needed to alcohol to survive living with Lilith, should his situation change he could give up the drink no problem.

Most of the bruising on his face had gone down now. Instead he was left with a few yellowed patches. How would he explain his injuries away? He needed something manly; he couldn't bear to tell a tough guy like Dean that he had beaten up by his sweet, little wife. Perhaps he could say that he went paintballing? Paintballing for someone who was getting married soon? And that maybe it all got too rough?

Yeah that was convincing, right?

He wrapped the towel around his middle and stepped out of the shower. Lilith was still in the house, and his stomach sank with this knowledge. She looked up at him when he walked into the bedroom. She was in one of her power suits. She looked very beautiful, as always. He felt sorry for her work colleagues. Lilith was something of an office bully, but as she was the line manager there wasn't much people could do to her.

She stood up and let her eyes run over him. "You're so ugly," she complained. "I never wanted a scrawny little man. I always wanted a nice, toned, dark man; someone who could look after me instead of the other way around."

Cas tensed but said nothing. She touched his arm, running her hand up slowly and possessively, running it across his chest, her nails scratching lightly through black chest hair. She then went up to his face and cupped his chin.

"You do have nice eyes," she said, "nice for me. Other people would find them to round and too wide, but I like them. You're lucky you found me, or else you'd be old and alone forever." She gave him a kiss on the sound of his mouth as her hands trailed lower. Cas felt the towel fall to the ground. She touched his groin area, and desperately he began thinking of men to make himself hard. Making love to Lilith was difficult, it had always been difficult, but nowadays he had to think of men in order to be able to harden up for her at all.

Luckily he was saved when the alarm on her mobile went off. "Damn it I need to go to work!" she hissed, slapping his face as if it were all his fault.

Frustrated she stormed out of the room and down the stairs. "I want a romantic night tonight!" she roared, "for once you will be a man and satisfy me!"

He heard the front door slam and the squeal of tyres and she drove away.

Cas sighed in relief and rubbed his hands over the parts of his body she had touched. He hated belonging to her. But now he could focus on other things, he was going to work. Granted his body was still sore, but he was tired of being at home. He was sick of being surrounded by Lilith and her domain. In the shop he could focus on people he really did want to be around.

He put on some dark jeans and a white shirt before checking himself out in the mirror.

"Oh what am I doing?" he thought after a few moments. "I am so stupid! I'm acting as if I am going on a date! But I am married and the one I care for is another man. It's not as if dean would ever like me back anyway."

He looked in the mirror and saw what Lilith had complained about. His eyes were too wide and starring. He knew they freaked people out when he looked at them. And he was too skinny and nerdy; no wonder he was gay, maybe he wasn't man enough for a woman. Maybe he was a little girly man? How embarrassing.

He looked at the picture of Jesus that hung in their bedroom. Jesus hadn't been a weakling, lusting after other men. He had been manly and brave and strong. Dean got down in his knees and prayed to Jesus for help He prayed for some of Jesus's strength of will so that he could resist the pull of Dean.

"I will do anything," he prayed, "anything to be rid of this illness. Please, just send me a sign, and I will obey. Amen."

xxXXxx

Within one hour of opening the shop, Dean entered.

"Hey Cas!" he smiled at Castiel with such warmth that Cas felt like crying. "What happened to you man?" Dean took in Cas's damaged skin. His beautiful smile was replaced with a slight frown.

Cas shrugged, "I was at a, eh, paintballing game and I got hit."

"You went paintballing?"

"Yes," Cas felt himself bristling. He didn't like how Dean had emphasised the 'you'. "I paintball and stuff like that, I'm not weak."

"I never said you were Cas." Dean walked up to him and laid his hand on his back. Cas felt himself heating up from Dean's touch. His tongue felt swollen and suddenly he couldn't speak. Dean leaned in closer, looking at Cas closely.

'Something is going on here,' he thought, 'he's been hurt by someone, but who?' The idea of someone hurting his own sweet Cas made his blood boil. But clenching his fists he was determined to be calm. It was like what he had learned at the AA about drink, he had to develop his self control. If he got mad he'd only frighten Cas, who was currently breathing shallowly and looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack.

"Cas, Cas! Calm down!" He took Cas's hand in his own, ignoring the feeling of sparks, and led him to the old settee. Dean put his arm across Cas's shoulders.

"I went to the AA meeting," Dean said, watching Cas carefully. "It was pretty hard at first, but I had Jo there to help me. I have you to thank for a lot of this, you've really helped me."

"It was nothing," gasped Cas, his chest still heaving but a bright flush spreading into his face from the praise. "You should think about getting some sort of work next. I wish I could hire you in here."

"Nah, I'm no good with people."

"You're good with Adam."

Good humour had been in Dean's face as he'd watched his friend calm down and blush like a school girl, but now that left and he felt cold again. "I'm not good with Adam, it was only until you came last night that I even thought to do anything about his family situation. A part of me knew he was being abused, I knew he was being neglected but I just didn't..." he shrugged and trailed off.

"Dean," Cas said in a firm voice that dean secretly thought suited him a lot more than the softly spoken, sad way he had about him sometimes, "you are dealing with some severe issues of your own. When someone is broken they can't fix someone else. You have to heal yourself first, then help others. You were in no position to help Adam. But now, with the support of me and Jo and all the friends you'll make at the AA, maybe you can."

"I called social services this morning. They'll investigate but I think it's going to take a long time."

"Then in that time we'll be there for Adam. He finishes school at three, and I've told him that he's more than welcome to come here after school."

"Be careful you don't break any child labour laws," Dean grinned.

Cas looked at him in horror, "I would never do that! Please believe me I wasn't saying that Adam would work here, why are you laughing!?"

"I'm sorry Cas!" Dean laughed, "I was only joking before, are you on the spectrum or something?"

Cas folded his arms, feeling stupid and a little defensive, "well arguably yes, but only because everyone is."

"Oh Cas," without thinking, overcome with feelings for the sweet, silly man, Dean leaned over and kissed the top of Cas's head.

Both men froze.

Silence reigned but in their heads both of them were screaming.

Cas: Oh my God ok, I don't understand, surely that was friendly wasn't it? Yes, that's right, just friendly! So do I laugh, or do I not acknowledge it? It was only a kiss on the head, it's what children receive, now how do they react? They don't they just do whatever. So, wait does this mean he thinks of me like a child, or as a pet? Oh no want him to see me as a man! Oh, but no this is better surely? This way he'll never see me as even human so the chances of a romantic relationship are zero. I mean, they always were as I am unattractive, and married, and heterosexual and a Christian. A good Christian, not a happy-liberal-cherry-picker Christian! But still, this just makes sure. Should I act more like a pet? No Castiel! Don't be so foolish! What, should I sniff around his crotch and lick his face, of course not! Even though...oh God, impure thoughts!

Dean: Oh god what is wrong with me? Why did I kiss him? And now I've made everything awkward. God I'm such an idiot, only I would do something so gay and inappropriate! Ok Dean, it's fine, Cas is totally socially awkward so he won't know that what I did was kinda weird, I'll just play it off like it's no big deal. Be smooth Dean, be smooth...

"Oh, well, anyway," Dean coughed, "I better go."

And he was about to bolt out of the shop when Cas whined, "r-really? Are you leaving?"

Dean looked at him. Cas's eyes looked even wider than normal. A deep feeling of shame washed through him. he was really going to run out on one of his only friends over something so stupid? And he knew where he was going to run to as well; it was as if it were on default, he was going to run to the pub and get plastered. He hated feeling embarrassed or stupid, and getting drunk was his way of dealing with his insecurities.

'Only it isn't dealing with them at all," he reasoned to himself, "it's running away from them."

He smiled at his blue eyed friend. "I was just going to the corner shop, would you like anything?"

Cas gave him the most beautiful smile Dean had ever seen and shook his head. Dean left the shop almost in a daze. 'I really do fancy him,' he thought, 'and I officially don't care anymore!'

As soon as Dean left, Cas dived into the bathroom and began to check how he looked. He brushed his hand through his hair. It was a mess as usual, Lilith was always complaining about how he looked like an errant school boy, but Dean seemed to never complain about it.

His heart was beating fast. Splashing some water on his face, Cas tried to calm it down. He looked at himself in the mirror. "Is this ok?"he muttered, "I like Dean, I like him a lot. But I'm a man of God and I am married. To be with Dean is wrong. The Bible says that if a part of you is causing you to sin, that you should cut it off. Yet, at the same time, Dean is a dear and good friend who makes me feel better. God never said that it's bad to feel good. He also is against spouses hurting one another. Jesus would not accept Lilith's treatment of me. So, me having a friend is a good thing. However, I must not let it affect my marriage. As long as I do not commit the sin, I'll be fine."

'But, a relationship between you and Dean exists in your fantasies,' said a little voice in his mind, 'and Jesus said that the man who has fornicated in his mind has committed that fornication.'

"But I can't help my mind," he whispered in response. "Maybe I should keep dean as a friend and help him, help him improve his life and become a better person. Surely that can be my way of following Jesus' footsteps. I won't convert Dean, or I won't try to, but I will show him Christian kindness all whilst loving him from afar but never indulging. Perhaps my love for him can be transferred away from this lust and into something more holy."

Feeling better in himself, Cas exited the bathroom just as Dean arrived back in the shop. He held up a box and waved it joyfully.

"I bought some pie!" he called, "we can heat it up in a microwave or have it cool!"

"Let's warm it up," smiled Cas, "then we can eat it whilst looking up different job applications for you."