Chapter 3

Benson silently cursed himself for bringing his journal into work. Deep down, he had known someone would find it but he hadn't thought out of all people, Mordecai would find it. And it was just too typical to be true to find Mordecai in his office, reading his journal, his deepest secret that he had kept since the blue jay started working here. A part of his mind told him that if Mordecai did find it, he would put it back and go out the room. But knowing him for so long, Benson almost smiled at the irony that Mordecai kept reading. And what made matters worse, was that Benson had caught him reading his journal.

If only he had put the journal away. But he hadn't thought about it. Until now of course. Why he hadn't actually shut the journal before he left the office, was a mystery in Bensons mind. A stupid mystery at that.

What would've been worse, Benson thought, was if Rigby found the journal. No doubt about what he would've done; grab it, run out the office and tell Mordecai that night when he was just about to go to sleep. So Benson silently cheered that Mordecai had found it, although he didn't cheer persay; he was just happy that it hadn't been any of the other workers. Mind you, if Skips had found it, he could keep a secret and he would definitely keep this one. Bensons view changed. Why hadn't Skips found it? It would've made things a lot easier for both of them, for Skips wouldn't even have read the journal. But even if he had, he wouldn't have said anything, only "your secret's safe with me". And it would've been.

Bensons eye caught the clock; 5:30. How long had they stood there, waiting for the other to speak? About a half hour, he guessed. Or maybe it was longer. Benson cursed himself. No. That was the least of his worries. Time. He held Mordecai's gaze again, the other never breaking contact. The blue jays mind was running for an answer to his boss' one word reply.

Both of them understood the circumstances to this; whatever the answer may be, a yes or a no, they would still continue with their normal work routines. Nothing would change. And Benson was happy about that. He didn't want things to change just from one word by the blue jay. Despite waiting for Mordecai to answer, Benson opened his mouth and he saw Mordecai knew something was going to be said, so he shut his mouth and stood, waiting for his boss to say whatever he had to say. Anything to get rid of this awkwardness.

"So...do you?"

Why? Why? Why?

Mordecai just wanted to run out the room. There was no backing out of this one. Now that Benson knew Mordecai knew what he was talking about, he had to answer. He wanted to rattle out a list of curse words to Benson for bringing the silence back, something neither of them wished for in the slightest. Still, Mordecai looked Benson straight in the eye. His tongue felt like dry leather in his mouth and he couldn't get the words to form in his mind. Both of them wanted this to end as quickly as possible. Both of them wanted to get out of the room and both of them wanted nothing more than for this to be dropped. As if the journal had never been bought to work, as if Mordecai had never walked in the office and picked it up. But he had. And you can't erase the past.

Despite Benson knowing the answer already, he still wanted it to be said, just to stop the aching in his stomach from hunger pains. But the problem was, was that Mordecai didn't want to say it. In order for this to be forgotten deep in their minds though, something had to be finalized from the blue jay. Was it a yes or no?

Mordecai took another breath. The grip on the back of the desk loosened as his hands slipped to his side and he closed his eyes, opening his mouth to speak the one word.

"No."

That was it. It had been said. He felt a heavy weight lift off his chest and he opened his eyes, to see Benson looking at him, no expression on his face, the gears in his mind turning for a reaction to place on his features.

Benson knew Mordecai knew so that was one thing checked off the list. But that didn't heal his slowly breaking heart. The gumball machine uncrossed his arms, letting them drop to his side. And the hint of a reaction slowly made it's way on his lips: A sad smile.

"Oh, ok."

Oh god. The pain in his tone. It was strung so tightly into Bensons words that Mordecai picked it up as soon as the first word had left the gumball machines lips. He willed himself not to show any sign of "a change of mind". No matter how many times he told himself, he knew he didn't like him. He had never been attracted to his boss from the start and the weird feeling came back when his mind bought him back to the words written in Bensons journal. Just a tinge of guilt hit Mordecai when he realized Benson had lost weight and sleep from this new emotion. Mordecai had felt it before with Margaret, except he had handled it. Benson, however, hadn't felt this way in a long time and the fact that it was a co-worker just made things worse.

Mordecai swallowed the lump in his throat, every word coming out in a forced choke. "I'm sorry Benson. I just don't feel that way towards you-"

"No, it's ok. I didn't think this would work out anyway."

How Mordecai just wanted to hug him from the sadness slipped into his tone. He would give anything to turn back time, to forget this ever happened. He watched Bensons face for any more signs of reaction, but it stopped there. Until Mordecai saw, from the corner of his boss' eye, a small tear about to fall. The guilt weighed on Mordecai's chest suddenly and for a few seconds, he forgot how to breath. That is, until Benson took a step away from the doorway. The movement made Mordecai wonder if Benson was going to hug him, but he abandoned the thought. Why would he do that anyway? If anything, Mordecai was the one who should be hugging him.

But neither took a step towards the other.

"Ok." Mordecai said. To rid the horrid silence, he bent down and picked up the journal, folding the covers back onto the front and back pages of the book as he straightened. With his left hand holding the edge of it, a small smile tugged at his lips when Benson finally walked towards him to retrieve the book. As he took the book back, their fingers brushed and as if on cue, light blushes rose on their cheeks. Mordecai looked the other way as Benson held the book in his right hand by his side. Bringing his eyes up, he saw the gumball machine still standing there. Waiting for...something else to be said?

He moved to go, stepping aside and away from him incase they touched again. Benson didn't say a word. Mordecai took a step towards the door, but was stopped with a hand on his shoulder. It was like a shock and he turned his head, to see Benson with a solemn look, the journal closed on his desk, the lamp switched off.

"Promise you won't tell anyone about this."

It wasn't a question. Benson knew Mordecai wouldn't tell a soul of his findings and Mordecai knew that he could be trusted with such a secret, but he just wanted to make sure.

Mordecai managed a small nod. "Yeah, sure."

Bensons hand slipped off his shoulder, dropping limply by his side again. "Good." Mordecai waited for the "you're fired". But it never came. With his eyebrows furrowed, he turned his head back and kept walking. It was only when he reached rhe doorway that it struck him; what he had originally come in here for. He paused in the doorway, thinking it over. From what had just occured, he felt it wrong to bring up another subject. But Benson couldn't say no, could he?

"Um, Benson?" Mordecai said, turning around slighlty. Benson looked up, surprised. He had thought Mordecai would just walk out without another word on the matter. Did he want to continue this conversation?

"Can I borrow the cart tomorrow afternoon after work? I need to pick up supplies for Eileens birthday party on Thursday."

Benson mentally kicked himself. Of course he wouldn't. Both of them wanted it to end as soon as possible, so what made him think Mordecai would keep talking about it? It was something that you never ever bought up again. Although it was gone from their minds, it was still there. And both of them knew it.

"Sure." Benson said. "Just park it in the garage when you come back."

Mordecai nodded again. "Thanks, Benson."

"No problem."

Mordecai wanted to say something else, but he didn't know what to say. He didn't want to leave this kind of atmosphere in the room, so with a deep breath, he took a few steps in the room.

"I really am sorry, Benson."

Benson, who had his back turned, whirled around in surprise. He had thought Mordecai had left, that that would be the end of them speaking to each other for the afternoon. But obviously, it hadn't.

"I know."

Mordecai bit his lip. Another conversation breaker. He wanted to leave it at that, but one glance at the hot tear forming in Bensons left eye knew he couldn't. Seeing Benson upset just made dread sink in the pit of his stomach. He wanted to blurt out a million "sorrys". He wasn't only sorry for rejecting him, but he was sorry for even being at the park, for applying for a job here in the first place. And it was evident on his face.

"You don't need to stay here, you know." Benson said.

Mordecai knew that. He didn't need to stay here. But he chose to. Because he wanted to set things right. Rejections happened everyday, but to him, this was different. He suddenly felt like the bad guy. He had exposed his boss' deepest darkest secret and what made it worse was that Benson knew. But at least Mordecai was trust worthy. And that's what Benson was happy about.

"I know, but..." Mordecai was walking on broken glass; be careful where you step, or you could hurt yourself. "I...I'm sorry I hurt you." Hopefully, Benson could understand why Mordecai chose to stay, why he kept apologizing despite their conversation already having finished.

"You didn't hurt me, Mordecai." Benson said, looking at him. "I mean, deep down, I am broken, but things happen. And I already knew what your answer would be, if that makes you feel any better."

No. It didn't make him feel any better. It just made him feel worse. He stared off to the side for a couple of minutes, letting his mind think. Looking back at his boss, he smiled sadly.

"Listen, Benson. I might not feel the same way towards you as you do towards me, but like you said, things happen. And who knows? Maybe I could like you someday. But for now, we'll just leave it as a close friendship."

Benson smiled. "Done."

They shook hands then Mordecai turned and walked out the office. Benson let out a heavy sigh. He turned again, his eyes catching the red journal on his desk.

~ Anything can happen ~