It had become a fixation in my mind now, ever since that moment that I found the book. I knew that Fi wasn't dead, I just knew it. What I didn't know was what to do next.
I spent my days in a daze. People thought they knew what was going through my head, they thought I was grieving for Fi. They left me alone, most of the time, which I couldn't believe. I thought that my friends were meant to help me or whatever, not cast me out and leave me to get on with it. Although I wasn't complaining, because I knew what was worse, those people that I had barely ever spoken to, coming up to me and asking if I was okay, if I needed to talk, when I knew that they didn't care, they just wanted the goss. I wanted 'the goss' too, I wanted to find Fi. I just didn't know how.
Come to think of it, I didn't know anything about this 'Cirque du Freak', other than it was a travelling freak show and had vampires or something performing there.
Even as I said it in my head it sounded ridiculous, like something out of a bad movie, but I knew I had to believe it, because what other explanation was there for the fact that Fi had faked her death?
I decided, that I had to make a start. And that meant one thing, reading the book that I had swore never to read, for health reasons. (My excuse being, it would harm my sanity to even look at a page.) I was now a woman on a mission. That lunchtime, I stepped into the empty school library, for the first time in at least two years, and looked around. D. D for Darren Shan, was what I needed to find. A-B-C-D-Ah! There it was!
I edged my way towards the books, but as I did so, I heard the door creak open, and one of my teachers walk in.
"Sinead? You're in...the library?" he said in surprise, as he noticed me standing there.
"Yeah...i was looking for my phone. But it's not here." Good excuse, Sinead. I didn't want anybody to think I was actually going to read, did I? I mean I had boasted for the past few years that the only book I had read was the Jolly Postman, back in year 2.
I stood there awkwardly with the teacher for a few moments, willing him to leave, but he didn't. So I was left with no choice but to walk quickly out of the library, leaving the Darren Shan books behind.
Unless, I thought suddenly, unless there was one closer to home. I knew Fi was constantly reading those books, so perhaps she would have kept one at school, for her daily vampire fix or whatever. And I was in luck. She had done just that. I stuffed the book into my bag, where nobody could see it, without looking at it, and walked away.
Later that day, when school was over, I sat on the grass where I used to wait with Fi for the bus, waiting until everybody was gone and the road was relatively quiet. Only then did I take out the book.
"Cirque Du Freak." I read silently. "The Saga of Darren Shan." That's so lame, I thought to myself, the author used his own name for the main character in this. Oh well, here goes.
"Ive always been fascinated by spiders." What? Who would be fascinated by spiders? They are vile creatures. No, Sinead, stop commenting on how stupid the story is and just read it, get it over with. So that is what I did. Well...
I managed to read at least two thirds of the book, but as I reached the part where that Mr Creepy guy's spider bit Darren's friend Steve, I stopped, and looked down at the book, and then dropped it, to look at myself, in the mirror-like screen of my phone.
"What are you doing, Sinead?" I told myself sternly. "Is this what your life has come to? Wake up kid, and deal with the facts. Your friend is DEAD. D, e, a, d, dead. And now you're-what-trying to convince yourself she's alive? By pretending you believe in all her vampire rubbish? Get a grip. You just have to accept she's gone. Prove to yourself that you know she's never coming back." I nodded at myself in the mirror, and wordlessly, silently picked up the book, and ripped it into pieces, tearing out page after page and scattering them into the alley behind me, where nobody would see them.
I held one last page in my hand. Page 139. I glanced down and read the line which began "Mr Crepsley mused, tugging at his chin and stroking his scar." Oh, that's handy to know, he has a sca-"NO". I told myself firmly. "For the last time, this dude IS. NOT. REAL. Therefore he doesn't have a scar, because he doesn't have a body, BECAUSE HE DOESN'T EXIST!" I threw the last page on the floor in disgust.
A man on the other side of the road to me stopped and stared. Had I said that last bit out loud? Perhaps I had, oops. Oh well, at least I had got it out of my system. I finally had regained my grasp of the real world, that was good to know.
What wasn't good to know, however, was that the man who had stared when I shouted out loud, now appeared to be following me.