Empty Spaces Chapter 20
This one is Piper's POV in the infirmary upon Alex's review.
Thanks for the reviews I appreciate them all. Sorry I had to take a couple of days on this one, had to find my way outta the dark. Still deciding where the next chapter is gonna take us, but I've got a couple of good ideas. Should be up by Sunday if I'm lucky.
Piper was still stuck in this damn bed, had been stuck lying here in this dank little place day after day. It had already been so long she'd completely lost touch with the passage of time that seemed to stop around the borders of the sterile cot that now encompassed her universe. She was starting to wonder if she'd ever really existed outside of this convalescence. In theory at least she knew that she must have, the memories that haunted her offering proof of that truth. Though if she was being truthful with herself she had to admit to doubts about how many of those were real. Memories of when she'd been a child growing up in Connecticutt had always felt a bit contrived, but she'd always chalked it up to her waspy upbringing.
The memories of her time spent with Alex hiding away in cozy little book stores, dancing in clubs, lying cradled in the taller womans arms exhausted and sated at the end of a long day. These memories were all still tangible to her, achingly real to her increasingly fragile mind. All the same she found herself pushing those thoughts away as much as she could. Warm and fuzzy memories of love and kisses only served to remind her of just how alone she had become, she couldn't go running back to Alex anymore. She'd burnt that bridge, and spit on the ashes. She tried to push the thoughts of her favorite brunette that were trying to tear away the few tattered strips of flesh still clinging to her battered and broken heart, though she knew they'd come creeping back up to haunt her again.
She tried to summon up thoughts of her friends and family to take their place, making a note of just how easily her mind had removed Larry from that list. She tried to focus on her parent but she had a strong suspicion that her mother's visits would be diminished somewhat when she was finally allowed to resume visitation. It certainly shouldn't phase her any, her father had flat out refused to see her at all since her incarceration at Litchfield. She was half tempted to just clear her visitor's list and be done with it, she definitely wouldn't miss the squat and cough. Piper was sure though that even if everyone else stopped coming, her best friend wouldn't forgive her for cutting off that life line.
Unfortunately Polly was already another source of the guilt bubbling furiously in her stomach. The blonde knew that she was missing everything in here, but Polly always seemed to take her absence so personally. Almost as though she'd made that single poor decision a decade ago on purpose to sabotage these future bonding moments. A brief flash of anger in her gut suddenly had her pulse racing and her breaths coming shorter. She wished somewhere deep down that she could just sleep her way through the rest of the healing process, but sleep wasn't the refuge it used to be.
Alex had been haunting her dreams as well as her waking thoughts more and more. The dreams were almost always the same, the brunette was always hurt somehow and it was always her fault. The blonde would be lying here in this bed, sometimes cuffed though it didn't really matter. Even in her dreams she was still broken. The brunette would loom over her with fire in her eyes, telling her in excruciating detail just how she had hurt her over the years. How she was still hurting her now, how she used people like it was all just a silly little game for her own amusement. The blonde would usually wake from these terrors with tears streaming down her pale face, that sultry voice still echoing in her ears that she wasn't worthy of Alex's love.
In her musings the blonde hadn't felt herself drift off, but knew that she must have just the same when she caught a quick glimpse of familiar brunetter locks through the gaps in the curtains that surrounded her. She fought to hold back a whimper knowing what was to come, she wasn't ready to do this again right now. She couldn't help wonder if this was meant to be some kind of penance, being tortured by the person she loved most in this world. She wished more than anything she could just wake up but once the dream got going it didn't ever seem to end before the brunettes harsh words left her in pieces.
The blonde knew what was coming even before the nurse started back to her desk and couldn't supress the shiver creeping up her spine when she heard the curtain part granting access to her former lover. She fought hard to keep her stare locked on the ceiling above her, but when that familiar face came into view she knew she couldn't fight it. As her eye's locked with Alex's she fought to harden her resolve, she wasn't going to cry this time. This time she was gonna take whatever pain and anger the brunette brought down on her, because deep down inside she knew she desrved this. She had dealt out more than her own fair share of pain and heartache over the years, now this was her penance.
Something was wrong though, something was different this time. It was there in the eyes locked with her own. There was no denying that Alex was pained but the tide of pain and anger she'd gotten used to seeing burning in them was gone. She found herself frozen staring into those endless depths, suddenly unsure just what to make of this encounter. The blonde had been sure that she'd slipped into yet another nightmare, but now staring into the concerned eyes of the tall brunette standing beside her hospital bed she wasn't sure if she could even tell what was real anymore. Piper couldn't stop the single tear that leaked out from the corner of her eye as the confusion swirled about inside of her. She could see Alex's eye tracking its descent for a moment before ever so slowly reaching forward to brush it away with the tip of one trembling finger. The blonde felt as though she were experiencing sunshine on her face for the very first time, a noticable warmth spreading outward from the point of contact.
The tingle creeping up her spine that such a simple touch caused was a familiar comfort that only Alex had ever been able to give her. The fast running stream of thoughts that had formed her own internal prison were quickly diminishing, seeming to free her from the turmoil that had kept her nearly catatonic since Caputo had broken the news that she'd become a killer that night she lost control in the snow. She could feel that easy peace that her ex-girlfriend's presence had always brought out of her when she'd really needed it, though it was tinged with a lingering hint of fear that this somehow might not be real. Just another nightmare that her subconcious had created to torture her with, so much crueler than all the others with the surge of hope she felt beating against her chest. She swallowed dryly and her throat hurt from the effort, unused mucles straining in protest. She hadn't spoken a word since that fateful meeting with Figueroa and Caputo when she'd woken up in the hospital.
"Are you..." Piper started to speak but had to pause to clear her throat when the words faltered coming out. "Are you real?" She gazed steadfastly into Alex's eyes waiting, hoping that just this one time it would all be real. The blonde didn't want to admit it, even to herself, but she needed this to be real. She'd needed this moment to be real more than she'd ever needed anything in her life, more than oxygen she needed this to be real. If this moment wasn't somehow the truth, she didn't think she could keep doing this. No one can torture us better than ourselves, and Piper knew that with complete certainty now. Deep down inside she knew that if she were to wake up from this, crying and hysterical like so many times before, it was gonna be for the very last time.
Still waiting patiently she saw tears starting to well up in the brunettes eyes, unable to hide her honest reaction from her love. Alex had always been able to read her like a book and every thought that she'd just had had flashed across her face as clearly as a movie projected onto a screen. She felt long fingers wrap around her frail arms and pull her gently forward closer to Alex, before a hand rose up to graze lightly against her cheek. The blondes eyes closed as she savored the sensations coursing through her, she'd missed this feeling so much.
"Yeah Pipes. I'm real and I'm right here. I've got you." Her words flowing into Piper's brain broke a dam she'd been building up inside of her, the space between them suddenly flooded with her tears. Everything that had been tearing her up and eating away at her came rushing out like somebody had pulled the stopper on a bathtub. They stayed in that position for awhile, though she couldn't say for how long. She was pretty sure she'd heard the nurse come to investigate, though they weren't disturbed. Both women holding onto each other as though their lives depended on it, both wishing that Alex could crawl into that tiny litte cot with her and wrap her arms around her. Where they belong.