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Chapter 18: To live life assuming otherwise is insanity

When Ava woke up in the morning she felt the hangover stench next to her. She turned around and watched Happy, on his back, snoring extremely loud. It was 6 AM so she went up, closed the door to the bedroom and went out to make breakfast. Grace came a while later.

"Is that Happy?" She opened the door and laughed. "Wow, he's snoring really loud. What is that smell?"

"It's nothing, come on love, he needs to sleep." She pulled Grace from the door but went inside to open the balcony door before going back to the kitchen.

"Are you friends now?" Grace asked while eating her breakfast a litte later.

"I think so. Don't worry about it, honey." She made him some coffee, a toast with only butter, took two painkillers and a glass of dehydration solution, put it all on a tray and went into the bedroom.

She sat down on the bed and gently stroke his cheek. "Happy."

"Mhmmm?" He turned around and grabbed his head. "Oh, fuck!"

"I made you some breakfast. And I've got painkillers and dehydration solution. It'll take away the worst of the hangover."

He sat up and took the pills and the glass. "Dehydration?" He mumbled.

"The headache is mostly due to dehydration."

He swallowed the pills and emptied the glass then he looked at her. She smiled and before any of them said anything Grace came into the bedroom.

"Can you take me to school, Happy?"

Before he even had opened his mouth, Ava answered her. "Happy isn't feeling well. I'll take you today."

She might not have been to keen on the idea of him driving drunk, but that was his stupid fucking choice. Him taking Grace on the bike when he was hungover was just out of the question. Grace sighed and went into her room.

She got out of the bed and opened her wardrobe to get clothes, threw them on the bed and went into the bathroom.

When she came back to the bedroom he was still leaning against the headboard and she threw down the towel and started to get dressed. None of them said anything. She wasn't sure what to say or if he even remembered anything so she didn't want to be the first one to speak. She sat down in front of her mirror and did her make-up, hair and put in earrings.

He was still watching her when she turned around and they still hadn't said a single word. She walked over and sat down next to him.

"Get some sleep. I'll see you later." She leaned over and kissed his cheek but as she tried to get up he pulled her back down.

"I don't blackout when I drink."

"Ok." She gave him another kiss and tried to get up again but he didn't let go. "I need to get going, get some more sleep and we'll talk later."

"I meant it." She knew what he was referring to and smiled.

"Ok." She wasn't sure what to say. There was just no words to describe how that made her feel. She stroke his cheek and kissed his forehead and once again tried to get up but he still wouldn't let go. "I need to go, Happy."

"Ok. That's all you're going to say?"

"I'm not sure what to say. Except I love you too. And we'll talk later, ok?" He nodded. "And you're going to tell me about that tattoo."

That made him smile. "Ain't telling you shit."

"I guess I'll have to wait until the next time you stumble in piss drunk in the middle of the night."

"Sorry about that."

"Don't be. I prefer that rather than having you drunk with Crow Eaters around your neck." She gave him another kiss and finally managed to get up. "And you're going to tell me why you were going to yell at me."

"Like I said; ain't telling you shit." He laid back down again and she moved the tray from the bed.

-o0o-

When Happy woke up next time his head was slightly better. He got up and went out into the kitchen and found the coffee machine loaded and painkillers with more dehydration solution on the counter.

He picked up the phone and called Clay. "Need me today?"

"Not yet. I'll call you if anything comes up. We might have a lead and I'm going to go and see Laroy. I'll bring Trig and Bobby for that."

"Sure about that?"

"Yeah, cure that hangover."

He had coffee, more painkillers but ignored the rest. A shower later he was on his bike and headed towards the library.

She was standing in the reception with some guy and he watched her for a while. She was smiling but when she turned around and saw him, he got her real smile.

"Feeling better?" She said when she was in front of him.

"A little." He said and put an arm around her waist. She wrinkled her nose.

"You still have the worst hangover breath."

"Bitch." He kissed her anyway and she smiled.

"I talked to Tara today, Just briefly but she said we'd meet at the wake."

"Ok."

"And Clay called."

"Clay?"

"He wanted to talk to me. I'm not sure about what."

This was another reason he wanted her to be his Old Lady. If Clay wanted to talk to an Old Lady he asked her man. He didn't call her up and set a meet. His phone rang, and speak of the devil.

"I need to take this."

"I know." She smiled and gave him a kiss. "We'll talk later."

"What!"

"I need you at the clubhouse." It was all Clay said and all he needed to say.

"Be there in ten." He hung up. "Babe!" He yelled and noticed several people turning around. He had forgotten that library silence rule.

She smiled and held up her hand to her ear like a phone and he nodded.

-o0o-

They were at the clubhouse.

"Hey, Prez. Can I ask you something?"

Clay raised his eyebrows. "What I want with Ava?"

"Yeah."

"Just about running. She's got experience at it. See if she can give us some hints." Happy nodded. Clay might have a point. "Is she coming to the wake?"

"Yeah. I don't want her to bring Grace. I think Mary was going to take her."

"Shouldn't have a kid on a wake."

Happy went out into the bar to wait. He wasn't sure what the hell they were waiting for but he assumed it was something and they'd let him know sooner or later.

Clay came out of the Chapel "Where is he?"

"PD let him into the house yesterday." Opie answered the question.

"Let's go get him."

Happy followed their lead. When they went into the house Tara only said one word. "Nursery."

He was on the floor, completely out of it and Happy couldn't blame him. Especially considering how drunk he had been just the day before for simply figuring out he loved someone. What if it had been Ava or Grace? He would have been knocked out on the floor as well.

They just needed to get Jax sober enough to get him to Laroy and hear the information he had. The hung around for a while waiting for Jax and all ended up in the kitchen, having coffee.

-o0o-

Ava was trying to keep her focus on her work but it was hard, she thought about pretty much everything but her work. Mostly about Kip and quite a lot about Gemma.

Her phone rang. "Hallo."

"Hey, it's Tara. Could you... come by? I don't have anyone else to call."

"Sure."

She got out and found James. "Listen, we're having some problems and a friend called.

"I've heard. It's ok. Take some personal days when you need them the next couple of days. I know you'll make sure that the important things are done."

"Thank you." She gave him a quick hug and got out to the car.

When she walked inot Jax's house she found Tara on the floor in the nursery.

"What happened in here?" Ava asked as she tried to avoid stepping on anything in the mess that was on the floor.

"I had a fit."

"Impressive." She sat down on the floor next to Tara and leaned agains the sofa. "What happened."

"Jax is blaming me, for Abel."

"Why?"

"That I didn't stop him. That I... did whatever I did."

"Did he say that?" It didn't sound very likely to Ava. Jax would be smarter than that.

"No."

"If you had tried to stop him would have had a dead Old Lady and a missing son. You know that."

"I don't know that. I might have been able to do something."

Ava put her arm around Tara's shoulders and hugged her. "No, you wouldn't have. Kip tried."

Tara leaned her head agains Ava and cried. A while later she sat up and dried her cheeks.

"I'm sorry to put this on you."

"It's ok."

"I don't have any real friends here and with Gemma gone..."

"Have you talked to her?"

"Yeah."

Ava nodded. "Say hi from me next time. That I'm thinking of her." She gave Tara another hug. "And I'm here for you. Let me know if you need to talk again. Ok?"

"Ok." Tara got up. "I need to get ready. Got a surgery and the feds are questioning me later today."

"Met them yesterday. With the lovely agent Stahl." Ava got up as well. "Want any help with this?" She pointed at the floor.

"Nah." Tara shrugged. "What did they ask?"

"About the Irish. Told them I didn't know anything, which is true. Stahl asked about Jonah as well. You saved my ass with that sick note. Thanks."

"No problem."

"I should get back to work as well. I'll try to take the personal days to when I really need them. Have a feeling I'ill in the coming weeks."

Tara gave her another hug. "Thanks."

"Call me if you need me." She took a final look at the mess. "This is very impressive. Very teenage rage."

Tara laughed and walked her to the door and Ava got back to work and started to sort books. That seemed like the only thing she could muster up enough focus to be able to do.

-o0o-

"What is a wake?" Grace asked as they walked out to the car.

"It's a way to pay respect to the dead person. Kind of."

"I'll miss him." Grace said as she sat down. "I liked him." Ava was going to miss him as well. He seemed like a nice kid. Slightly shy and very loveable.

"I know, Honey. I'm sorry."

"He died when he tried to save Abel?"

"Yes." They had tried to tell her as much of the truth this time as well. With everything going on and most of it was very public in the papers, it was best that way. "I'll pick you up after the wake. We'll talk more then if you want. Ok?"

"Ok." Grace was watching throught the window. "Will Happy come as well?"

"I think so, but it might be late. But I'm sure he'll be there in the morning if you want to talk to him instead."

She left Grace with Mary and then went to meet Happy outside the funeral home.

"How was she?" He asked.

"Not sure."

"She'll be fine." Happy gave her a kiss on her forehead and she hugged him tight. "I need to talk to the others. Lyla is over there." He pointed, gave her another kiss and left her. She walked up to Lyla.

"Hey."

"Oh, Hi." Lyla said with a shy smile. "Did you bring Grace?"

"No. I didn't think... I don't know. I didn't seem right."

"I left Piper with a babysitter as well. Mostly cause I'm scared that'll break apart." Lyla said with an uncertain smile. She looked over at Opie and some of the others. "They'll probably be busy."

"Come on." Ava said and hooked her arm into Lyla's. "We'll stick together and if we feel the need to break apart we'll just find some corner for it."

Lyla smiled at her. "Thank you. You've been... really nice to me."

Ava was surprised. "Why shouldn't I?"

"Gemma and Tara had some problems with my profession."

"Gemma and Tara probably just had had other opportunities in life that you." Ava said as they walked inside.

"Still, thank you." Lyla hugged her arm and they walked into the room with the coffin together.

There was a picture of him on it. In his military uniform in front of the flag. He looked so young. Lying on the coffin was his cut but it didn't have the empty back. The reaper was there. Ava carefully stroked the cut. She wondered if he ever finished 'Heart of Darkness'. For a second she realized that he still had the library book and she wouldn't get it back. Then she felt bad for even thinking about that. At least he got to read 'The Dice Man'.

"To life life assuming otherwise is insanity." She mumbled. A hand on her shoulder made her turn around to see Happy. He gave her a hug but didn't say anything.

She took Lyla's arm again and they walked outside.

"I'll wait for Ope here." She said and Ava nodded and walked outside.

Tara was standing there, looking completely lost so Ava put her arms around her and gave her a hug.

"I'm sorry." She mumbled and Tara hugged back.

"I panicked at work today. In the middle of the surgery." Tara was holding her so hard. "And Jax is pushing me away. I don't know what to do."

"Don't let go."

"I like that plan." Tara said and let go of her when Jax came walking and slipped into his arms. Ava saw Happy walking in front of them with the better part of the Charming club.

"Hey." She heard behind her and saw Big Al coming towards her. "Where's that charmer of a kid of yours."

"Babysitter." Ava smiled. "All good with yours?"

Before Al could answer she heard loud sounds and he grabbed her and pulled her down on the ground. Her first reaction was go get pissed. What the fuck was he doing, throwing himself on her. Then she heard the screams.

When the shooting stopped Al got up. "Shit!" He said and pulled her up. "You ok?"

Ava could only nod and Al turned around to look at the scene around them. It was as if everthing moved in slow motion but her brain still wasn't able to registrer anything. Someone was lying on the ground further down the street, some others on the grass not far from her.

Then there was the blond woman with the young boy in her arms, screaming and crying. A blond boy, he hadn't even hit his teens and blood was soaking his shirt. Her legs could hardly carry her and she knelt down on the grass, still holding the hands over her mouth to stop the scream from slipping out.

Happy was looking around, trying to find her and finally saw her next to Big Al, on her knees holding her hands in front of her mouth and with big eyes, staring at something. He followed her line of sight and saw a blond woman on the ground with a young boy in her arms, screaming.

Shit. He ran up to Ava and pulled her off the ground. "Babe, are you ok?" She didn't even seem to hear him. "Are you hit?"

She still didn't say anything and didn't even seem to notice that he was tehere so he grabbed her shoulders to get her attention. "Ava!"

She finally looked at him and took the hand from her mouth. "Yes. I'm... fine. Al..." She pointed at Big Al.

"I pulled her down." He said and Happy nodded at him. He owed him one.

"Thanks, man."

"Don't mention it." Al said before he walked towards the other bodies on the ground.

Ava was staring at the woman again. He heard her mumble the same thing she did in front of Half-sack coffin. "To live life assuming otherwise is insanity."

"Babe. Look at me!" She did. "What did you say?" He couldn't have cared less but he needed her to pull it together. She was all over the place.

"It's a quote." Of course it was. "Death, destruction, despair may strike. To live life assuming otherwise is insanity. It's from 'The Dice Man'. The book Kip read. I gave him 'Heart of darkness' as well but I don't know if he finished it and I thought of it when I was by his coffin. If he finished it and then I remembered that quote from the other book and..." She was just rambling so he pulled her in for a hug. "What if Grace had been here?"

"She wasn't." He held her closer and turned around and saw Jax being pulled away from one of the shooters by Bobby and Opie. It was nice to see him back in action in the middle of all the other shit.

An hour later they were still outside the funeral home. Ava was sitting on the edge of the grass next to Lyla and Tara, smoking like a chimney. He was next to Clay and the others. They weren't talking much, there wasn't much to say yet.

"Should get them home." He said and nodded to the girls.

"Yeah. Take your girl."

"I'll be in the clubhouse in twenty minutes."

Clay nodded. "No need. Jax's in custody and we all need to land. I'll see you in the morning." He said and gave him a hug. "Keep the phone with you."

"You know it."

He called Mary and briefly explained what had happened.

"Oh dear! Maybe Grace should spend the night here. I can take her to you tomorrow morning."

"You ok with that?"

"Of course. Why don't you talk to her?"

So he did, even in the middle of all shit her voice made him smile. "Will you pick me up in the morning?"

"Mary'll bring you, but I'll take you to school."

"Is mom ok?"

He looked at Ava. "Something happened. She's upset. She'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"Yes. Go to sleep and be nice to Mary."

"I'm always nice." Grace laughed, once again, sounding just like her mom. "Tell mom I love her."

"I will, Sugar."

"And I love you."

"I'm a lucky guy. Love you too." And he hung up.

He walked up to Ava and pulled her to the side. "Talked to Grace. She loves you."

"That's a good thing."

"I'll take you home." He put his arm around her and pulled her towards her car. She followed him and got inside on the passenger seat.

Ava took his hand a while later. "What was that about?" She meant the shooting.

"I don't know, babe. We'll find out." They would, no matter how many bodies he would have to drop along the way.

"Did you leave your bike at the funeral home?"

"Don't worry about it."

"You didn't have to take me home."

"Yes, I did." She was still so set on taking care of herself. As for her refusing his money he was kind of glad about it. The cost for his mom was horrendous and he needed to figure something out because he wanted to pay for rent and food at Ava's place. He practically lived there now but so far she refused to take any money from him.

He parked her car and when she stepped out he put his arm around her waist and took her inside.

"I want a bath." She said and went into the bathroom. He followed her and as the tub was filling up they took of their clothes and they went inside. She was leaning against him with her head against his shoulder and he had to admit, it was pretty fucking relaxing. "I can't stop thinking about that boy."

"I know." He kissed her neck. She turned her head towards him and he noticed that her eyes were filling up again. He gently dried her cheeks and gave her a kiss. There wasn't really much to say. He wasn't surprised even if she usually never cried this was precicly the situation when he whould have expected her to.

"Can I ask you to... do something for me?"

"What?"

"Jax is trying to push Tara away and I understand why. But could you please not do the same?"

He could understand why as well. Waiting outside the funeral home, with Ava's comment that Grace could have been there ringing in his head had made him think the same thing. But he wasn't Jax.

"Too selfish for that. Not letting you go."

"Good."

"This won't make you run?" That seemed more likely. She was quiet for some time.

"It should, shouldn't it?"

"Probably."

"It's just..." She trailed off.

"What?"

"I don't know. But I'm not running."

"Good." He hugged her. "Like I said; I'm not letting you go."

When the water turned cooler they got up and they went to bed. He held her when she fell asleep and then he got up again. He couldn't sleep and went out on the balcony with a beer and smokes. When the shock over what happened started to loose it's grip he was getting fucking furious.

Who had the fucking nerve to do that to them? I had to be the mayans but he hadn't recognized the fuck that fell out of the van. Not that it had been easy once Jax was done with him but Happy was still pretty sure it was a new face. With Abel gone and this attack they were neck deep in shit. He had expected that the attack on Zoebelle and settling that score would be the end of this shitstorm. Instead it had only become worse. They needed to finnish this before going inside and they needed to be really fucking smart about it.

He wondered how Jax really was doing because he was usually the one with the brains. The one with the smoothest ideas on how to sort things out and if he wasn't in the game they would have trouble. He respected Clay, but he was from the old branch, the bloody one, not afraid to start wars. Happy didn't mind wars, he just didn't think it was the best way to fix things.

"Can's sleep?" He hadn't even noticed her opening the balcony door.

"No. You go back to bed. I'll be there in a while." He said and emptied the beer. She was in the door wearing only on of his t-shirts.

"Ok." She said with a smile, pulled of the t-shirt and walked inside. Fucking hell! Anyone could have seen her. He got up and caught up with her, lifting her up form behind.

"Did you just flash my tits to the entire fucking neighborhood?"

"It's the middle of the night, no-one's out." She laughed. "And I was flashing them to you, I wanted you to come inside with me."

"Naughty bitch." He said before throwing her into the bed, pulling of his pants and following her.

"Just wanted you to get relaxed." She said and got up on him, kissing his neck and nibbling his collarbone.

"You know how to do that." He said while pushing her further down.

"I sure do." She said and looked at him.

This must be one of the perks with an Old Lady he thought to himself. Someone who really gave a shit about you general mood and who did their best to keep you in a good mood.