Misery loves company 2, the second time is even worse
Here I am again, another consensual torture I put myself in, all in name of beauty and good health.
Men in their simplistic way of life, believe that the simple act of open your legs it's a piece of cake; you just have to take your underwear off, lie down, relax and voilà. Most of the times I have to agree, it is true, but one day of the year, this so banal and ordinary act, becomes abysmal torture: and the day is the Papanicolaou test; also called Pap smear day. I do prefer, pussy nightmare day.
Far from a normal day, this day should be qualified as an inferno of discomfort. The day of Pap smear begins with a nurse saying the famous phrase 'you can undress and put this apron with the opening turned for behind'. Now naked, barefoot on the cold floor and with a cold wind hitting my butt from the opening, I left the little bathroom.
As soon as I opened the examination room door, I had the vision of the hall of the Hades: a stretcher covered by paper sheet, I begin to wonder why all my nightmares now start with a stretcher, I just hope I don't see any tweezers, or I'm going to run out of there with my butt out for everyone to see. Well, in my continuous evaluation of the place, I saw two supports for the feet, an odd computer and the doctor standing by the computer with that polished smile in his face that in fact, reads 'You have no need to be embarrassed only because I never saw you in my life and now I will penetrate your vagina with a cold metal and put a stick so deep that you will think I'm going to nudge up to your tonsil'.
"You are in good hands, Miranda knew that when she recommended me," he says in his gracious work tone. Yeah, Miranda, every single mess I get myself into seems to be for her. And I'm not even going to start the jealous speech of how this man gets to see and touch my wife in that so intimate condition.
Anyways, finally I lie down and slide my butt to the bottom of the stretcher, opening up my legs for the eminent exploration of my soul, and put my feet in the heels supports.
"Put your hands behind your head," the nurse said. Is this a technique they use so I can't punch the doctor in the face?
"Now, relax." He completed. Yeah right! As if those words could actually bring me any sense of peace.
He started at my breasts and because of the pregnancy treatment, my breasts were feeling more sensitive than normal; but who said he cared about that little detail! He removed the apron and begin the examination on my left breast, it's not all bad, but of course, it wouldn't be that easy, he soon was pressing tight on my breast with a lame excuse that he is searching for a nodule.
I closed my eyes to try to forget for a minute about the agony and my mind raced back to the real meaning of why I am here, oh yeah, the last 2 inseminations didn't work well and Miranda and I agree that we needed a second doctor to help us. And her gynecologist for about 15 years was the chosen one.
"Ouch," I cringed and he smiled at me again and I started to think about ten different ways to erase that smile from his face. I should have brought Miranda, because if I had he certainly wouldn't be smiling. Crying is more like it.
Next time I will suggest that I bring Miranda to do the whole breasts exam, she for sure would be way better than him, and the results would be much more pleasurable.
"Oww" I let out, but the words I´d like to be saying are 'Fuck you'.
I think this guy is on the wrong profession, he should work in a pizza place because the way he is squeezing my breast is like he was ready to ask if I want extra cheese or Parma ham on the top when he finished. I only come back to my sense when he now squeezed the , what is he thinking? That I'm some kind of cow he is milking?
"Are you feeling anything?" He asked as if my face was not already giving him the right answer.
"Yes, pain," I answer with as much sarcasm as his idiot question deserve.
What seems an eternity later, he announces he finished and he found nothing wrong with my breasts. I disagree, what were wrong were his sailor's hands on me.
Now he sits in from of me, I feel so much invaded, and he didn't even do anything down there yet.
"You won't feel a thing." He lies again. How can someone have the nerves to say such ridiculous words and not even blink?
I won't feel a thing my ass.
I breathe from the bottom of my lungs and then he entered the heart of my being. Frozen metal, harder than what I was use to it when I used to waste my time with men.
With a bizarre piece of thing called speculum, Dr. Damn Blake follows the way that Miranda does ridiculous and uncontestable amazing things while inside, and finally he reaches the final point, there, the cervix, where Nate liked to play rough and the sensations were as pleasant as an eardrum perforation. Ok, I should never use Miranda´s name and Nate in the same sentence again regarding sex. Gross!
And then, I let out a breath of relieve. The worse was over. But that was all a big fat lie, a brief sensation of peace. Something inside expands and extends at the same time. I mean, inside and out, to be exactly. The sterilized speculum opens what before today could be considered my small tight vagina, until it is completely, absurdly, fully open and waiting for the final attack: the finger. That, I may add, it's not even closely as soft and delicate as Miranda´s.
At this point I want to die; a tremendous feeling of vulnerability devastated me. Besides wide open to a completely stranger, I have a finger nudging each and every part of my cavity, looking for stones, inflammatory process, anomalies and possible diseases.
But it is not about diseases I was thinking while my bladder is pressed and the ovaries are scratched. I was thinking how much longer this deplorable situation is going to last. I try to raise my butt in discomfort but not even the nurse will let me do it.
"Hold still, he is almost finished." She said smiling at me and I give back the stare a là Miranda. Bitch you should be on my side.
And then, in what it seems to be an annual trance, I see the world through the eyes of Einstein: Time is really relative, the examination never lasts any more than 5 minutes, it seems that the time is long enough to watch Gone With the Wind and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in sequence, yep, Relativity, everything depends of which side of the stretcher you are on.
Do you think its enough? Oh, sweetie, how innocent! The retreat of the finger is not the end, it is the announcement of the entry of a type of popsicle´s stick that rummage and scrape my humid cavern to withdraw the 'material' that will be analyzed and only after that I will know if my dear pussy is 100 % in order and able for continuous use.
And then finally the nightmare is over, Dr. Blake pulled out from my sore vagina what was sticking inside and closes everything what was opened.
"Everything seems to be in order, I will check follow up with your test results and we will start with the insemination as soon as possible." He says taking his gloves off. The damn smile still present in his face. I want to insert that fuckin speculum in his mouth and down his throat, I want to see the smile he will do after that.
As soon as I started to put my clothes back on, a wave of anger started to run in my body, why we, and when I say we, I'm talking about all women, martyrs of the feminine cause, why we have to pass by all of those horrible experiments in life, I'm not even going to describe what mammogram can do to breasts. I become very angry when my mind can't stop thinking about why men cause the biggest fuss and do a huge Mexican soap opera melodrama because of a mere finger in their butts. For me this is one of the biggest injustices in the world, so unfair that most of them have only to start doing that over their forties. Sissies!
I will try to convince Miranda again to let me write a protest in Runway next issue. I accept anything, even a footnote on the last page will do it. Now I only want to go home again and spend hours in the Jacuzzi, I don't even have to say Miranda is not allowed to touch me for as long as I feel this sore.
FIN.