Emiya Clan Misc — Archer In the House...Again?

Emiya Shirou was well known as an early riser. Years upon years he had taken care of handling the early morning chores and breakfast preparation, the only threats to his claim being Sakura, Miya, and – once he had been summoned – Gilgamesh. There had been good-natured competition between the four on occasion, each party trying to get up earlier and earlier in their attempts at claiming The Kitchen. There had been days where Shirou would be up and preparing long before the sun even began to rise.

This was not one of those days.

"Mrrghlblrb..."

In his defense, the Emiya Patriarch had quite a stressful night previously. To start with, there had been a freak accident in the MBI labs that involved radioactive chemicals, samples of a rare and new crystal, an experimental power generator, a catastrophic failure in the containment systems for all three connected labs, and a potato. Somehow the situation had escalated beyond the ability of MBI's own Rapid Response Teams, and so both Shirou and Arturia had to step in with a few Excaliblasts to take the resulting monster out of commission.

"Mffle..."

After that there had been cases various emergency codes sent to the family, ranging from simple out of control powers to massive large-scale property damages that had to be covered up. By some miraculous coincidence, each and every one of the schools his children were enrolled in were involved, which meant jumping all over the city to take care of them.

"Mergle..."

And of course when he finally managed to get back home, a few of the wives were feeling rather frisky.

"Blergh."

Needless to say, Shirou was not quite feeling one-hundred percent this morning. He finally managed to make his way into the bathroom adjacent to the master bedroom. Even after a short shower and wash later, he was still not feeling any better. Stumbling back out into the bedroom, he headed for his closet – stepping over unconscious bodies in various states of undress – and grabbed the first set of clothing he could reach. After getting dressed, he stepped out of the room in search of coffee.

As the door clicked shut, one of the bodies on the floor shifted slightly with a groan of her own. Blinking slightly, Rin Tohsaka-Emiya shifted herself into a sitting position and rubbed her eyes...

...Then smacked herself in the head and rubbed her eyes some more. She looked back at the door. "Was that...? It looked like... Nah..."

Gilgamesh was enjoying one of the few rare days He was able to enjoy a hearty breakfast fit for a King. He knew it was so, because He made it. He heard the heavy tread of footsteps well before the door opened and grinned as He fried up the next batch of eggs.

"Too slow today, Faker!" He said cheerfully, turning around. "Your women and mongrels will have My cooking to break their fast this day! Soon you'll remember this as the day where your reign over The Kitch— What are you doing here?"

Only the the god-given reflexes that were His to command allowed Him to save the frying pan and its precious cargo as it nearly dropped from His surprised hands. With a flash, the Golden King's armor phased into existence and the Gate of Babylon flared open behind Him. "Speak, Faker. Which fool summoned you this day?"

"Crrfffiiii," mumbled the figure shambling through the door.

Gilgamesh reached into the Gate and drew forth Cortana, sister blade of Durandal, wielded by the legendary French Monarch Ogier the Dane. As Morgan ley Fay had preserved Ogier in Avalon for two centuries, only returning him to France during its time of need, the sword posessed the ability to temporarily remove its target from reality, banishing it for a period of time dependent on the prana used to empower it.

"This is My final warning to you, Faker," Gilgamesh growled. "State your reasons for intruding on the Mongrel-Faker's domain or I shall send you away myself."

"Coofffeeeeee..."

The Golden King blinked. "What?"

One steaming cup of coffee later, Shirou was feeling much better, much more... coherent. He blinked eyes still heavy with sleep at the housekeeper as he sipped the life-giving substance. "What were you yelling about earlier?"

Wordlessly Gilgamesh reached behind Him and withdrew the Mirror of Discovery, an ancient treasure said to have been used by Ptolemy himself when studying the properties of light. He set it on the table in front of the drowsy Emiya, then sat back and waited.

Shirou blinked.

He reached up slowly to brush his hair – his white hair – watching in horror as the reflection matched his movements.

He blinked some more.

He brought his hand down, staring at the tanned coloration. A coloration matched along the rest of his arms, his chest, and – he stared at the mirror in disbelief some more – his face.

His eyes began to twitch. In the mirror, Counter Guardian Archer matched him movement for movement.

The clothes that he'd put on while half asleep — which he now noticed were a set he had never recalled owning before — consisted of a black tank top, black slacks, and a red trenchcoat. Though they weren't an exact match, with his new coloring the resemblance was close enough to nearly give him a panic attack.

"I hate to stoop down to the level of your primitive culture," Gilgamesh said conversationally, "But I think you've just been 'owned'..."

"...gerk"

Karin let an excited giggle escape her as she stared at the camera feed. "It worked! I can't believe it worked!"

"The resemblance is uncanny," Chisame commented. "White hair dye and tanning solution?"

"Riko you're a genius!" Karin cackled. "Spiking his shampoo and his body wash really did the trick!"

"It probably would work better if we could have gotten custom shirts for the outfit to match it more closely, but that still works pretty well," Chisame said.

"Um, girls?" Kyon said from behind them.

"Wow... look at Daddy flipping out," Karin giggled some more and popped open a bag of potato chips.

"Uncle Gil looks like he's having the most fun I've ever seen him have since I got here," said the other redhead.

"Girls?"

The two spun in their seats to glare at their brother. "What?"

Kyon pointed towards the other end of the room, where the door had been knocked off its hinges. There was a purple blur as a body whipped around the doorframe and threw itself down the hallway. "I think you made the resemblance a little too close. Riko just snapped."

"..."

Chisame stood up abruptly, knocking her chair back. "Oh HELL no. I am not ready to call my younger sister 'Mommy', this family is messed up enough already!"

(a/n) – this was inspired by a series of posts/omakes where the kids were gradually screwing with shirou. in one, there was a side mention where one of the kids got INTO UBW (no idea how) and found the time to paint everything inside with various pastel colors. then there came my previous omake where they 'bastardized' his HoS!chant for breaking his phantasms.

then we get "no! all his badassness is being destroyed! what's next somebody dyes his hair?"

the ending joke is from a series of omakes by neogoki –"Archer in Emiya-Clan" (pg19, #919) — where EMIYA is summoned to be a second nanny and eventually riko ends up chasing after his ... um... bodily fluids.