(a/n) – here's a crack snippet. somebody asked for melty blood a while back. i'm calling it the 'cat arc' (get it? it's like a story arc, and 'cat' in japanese is 'neko/neco' so... .ha... ehh..)
ooo
Takeshi stared.
A purple... cat-thing stared right back at him.
"What... are you?" he asked.
"Ara ara, Takeshi-kun is so mean-nya. He doesn't even recognize his own mother-nya~"
His eyes twitched, he hid the motion by adjusting his glasses. "You... are a cat."
"Nyaturally."
"There's just so many things wrong with that, I don't know where to begin."
"What an ungrateful child-nya!" the cat-creature shouted. Her eyes – held tightly shut until now – cracked open, light flashing through the newly opened eyelids.
Takeshi reached into his rune-pocket and pulled out his treasured blade. The great swor—
"HANNYA BEAM!"
There was a great crash, and suddenly there was a Takeshi-shaped hole in the wall, and in the wall in the room behind it. And the one behind that. And the one behind that...
Neco-Miya clapped her paws to remove any dust then continued wandering down the hall.
ooo
Emiya Clan Misc – Melty Blood/Cat-Arc
Kiri and Arika stared in horrified fascination at the scene playing out in front of them. It was like watching a train wreck or a suicide jumper; it was just so traumatizing to watch, yet they could not bring themselves look away.
Keiko and Karin walked up from behind them, evidently attracted by the cheerful-sounding music filling the room, and also froze in place.
"Wha... what is that?" Keiko shrieked.
Kiri and Arika were still frozen in shock and unable to answer.
Karin tilted her head this way and that as she studied the scene. "I think that's 'Sakuranbo' by Ai Otsuka," she said, "playing the chorus on continuous loop for some reason."
"Bu... but is that Mom?" Keiko asked in a shrill voice.
The four of them continued staring as Neco-Rin, Neco-Saber, and Neco-Sakura did some silly, simple dance in the middle of the room surrounded by pink and yellow flashing lights. Suddenly Sakuya appeared from the side and bounded across the room in front of them, "Mou Ikkai!"
ooo
"Gorgon BEAM!"
Riko blinked in confusion, "Mom? Is that you?"
"Gorgon Beam!"
"Why are you wearing your old outfit?"
"...Gorgon Beam?"
Riko sighed, "You realize you're still wearing Gorgon Breaker, right?"
Neco-Rider paused, then reached up to where the comically oversized blindfold was resting over her face. "Ah, ahah! I was just testing you-nya!" She grabbed at the Noble Phantasm and yanked... to no effect.
The cat-like being reached up another arm to join the first at pulling the blindfold away, but wasn't able to make it budge in the slightest. Growling, she raised an arm and shook it at Riko. "You have defeated me today, but I will be back! Nya-hahahaha!"
Riko simply stood there as the maniacally laughing cat... thing... bounded off down the hallway, occasionally blindly smacking itself into the walls.
ooo
Shirou opened up the door to his office and stepped into the room. As he looked up from the paperwork he was carrying, he suddenly froze in place, staring at the figure perched on his desk.
"Husbyand! I have been waiting for you, come here and ravish me!" cried the black-haired cat as she struck what she clearly thought was a provocative pose.
Shirou, his hand still on the door, said nothing as he carefully took several steps backwards, shutting the door as he passed through it. Snapping his briefing folder closed, he went off to the laundry room to hunt up some bleach.
ooo
In a corner of the house, a darkened room was lit only by the glow of the television and the game system in front of it. Clothing and food wrappers were strewn all over the floor, appearing as if some horrific, destructive battle had taken place. Or that the inhabitant was a complete slob. Either example would have looked perfectly normal.
The only difference was the figure curled up beneath the futon comforter was smaller than normal. Cat ears waggled slightly as the game played out its latest cutscene, and Neco-Altrouge munched on her pocky happily as she loaded the next stage.
ooo
"We're men (MYANLY men!)
We're men in tights! (yes!)"
Kumako, Shinra, and Ichigo all shrieked and clapped as the line of Neco-Homuras pranced around the small stage in various shades of green tunics... and tights. Gekkou and Shinta both wore expressions of equal horror, while Reiko had her usual detached-looking expression. If one could pull their eyes away from the line-dancing cats long enough to focus on her face, however, one could catch the occasional twitch of her eyes. She turned to the side, where Kaien was holding a video camera.
He looked down at her, taking care to hold the camera steady. "What? You think I'm gonna let an opportunity like this just pass?"
They turned back to the spectacle just as the cats started a chorus line.
"Nya~ nya nya nya nya NYA NYA~"
ooo
"You're telling me you don't see anything wrong with this?" Jun asked Gilgamesh in disbelief.
The young magus and the King of Nannies stared out into the backyard as the field was steadily demolished. Neco-Musubi and Neco-Tsukiumi going at each other in a quite-literal catfight, while Neco-Lorelei and Neco-Kusano danced around the fringes, lashing out with baton and vine whips trying to get the two to stop fighting. There was a brief explosion and three forms suddenly flew away as the Neco-Musubi cheered from the bottom of the giant crater she had just made.
All three Necos growled and shot eye-beams of various colors to comically roast the fourth Neco, who quickly burnt to a black crisp with wide eyes blinking in confusion.
Gilgamesh turned back to the distraught boy, "The Faker's wives going absolutely nuts? Nope, I don't see anything different."
From high above them, Neco-Karasuba looked at the melee in amusement. "Yes... fight, Neco-Musubi! Fight until you are exhausted! Then let me fight Neco-Yume! Nya-hahaha!"
She began to plan out her next move. Such as: how was she supposed to get down from this tree here?
ooo
"You know," Kyon said. "I'm beginning to think if I brought Haruhi here, nobody would be able to tell the difference."
Chisame buried her face in her hands and nodded. "I was once thinking of using a class field trip to this place as a threat... but now I'm not so sure that's a good idea either."
Neco-Uzume was throwing wraps of cloth over Neco-Akitsu in ways that would have made even Neco-Miya blush, while Neco-Matsu was holding up a video camera and humming out a certain song from Avenue-Q.
Off to the side, Koyuki was busily taking notes.
Chisame glared at the other girl, "Stop encouraging them!"
"Ah, but I—"
"Don't say it."
ooo
"Stop smoking-nya! It's bad for you!"
Neco-Touko ignored the plaintive cries of a Neco-Chiho as she lit up and took a drag from her cigarette. "I need it," she replied. "Because if I don't, I'll lose my cool. If I lose my cool, I'm going to hunt down and murder my sister first chance I get."
Neco-Chiho had pulled out a piko hammer from somewhere and was bopping it over the head of her companion. "But it's baaaaaad-nya!"
Neco-Touko closed her eyes and took another long pull.
Across the room, Chiyo stared at the paper she held in her hand.
I admit nothing –Aoko
She crumpled it up with fist and stared at her mothers. "Please listen to my Mother, Touko-kaasan. And when you do go mad and decide to hunt down Aoko-kaasan, I will help you."
ooo
". . ."
Haru stared at the multiple Takeshi-shaped holes in the walls. He spun around on his heel and walked down the hall, past his sister Riko skating after a fast moving purple and black blur. He stepped to the side as his father tore down the hallway, screaming about needing 'more bleach'. He walked past a room filled with lights and color and cheerful-sounding J-Pop. He made his way to the room he shared with his mother and noticed the ears poking out of her blanket, but ignored it as he pulled a pre-packed suitcase from under his bed.
"If anybody needs me, I'll be staying at Auntie Arcueid's place for a while," he told his... mother.
"Tell that idiot of a sister I said, 'hi'," she said absently.
"Will do, Kaa-san!"