Chapter 7

I went home that day to find my Father sitting on the couch; he had a smile on his face. It was one that would never resemble mine, but was always genuine and amazing.

"Alfred! My boy!" He looked like he had been waiting for me. I approached hesitatingly. My father, while caring, is also large in stature and has the muscle mass of a twenty-year old despite his middle aged reality. His hair was dusked with gray and I was reminded of how long it had been since we had one of our little talks…

…and how much I hated them.

"Hey, Dad." I smiled sitting next to him, looking around for my silent twin. "Um, where's Mattie?"

"Off with that boyfriend of his I presume. I got to meet Gilbert in a new setting today. Matthew introduced him to me. I never realized he was a homosexual." He didn't look disappointed or proud as much as distant. He shrugged it off as no big deal. It scared me.

"Yeah," I murmured.

"But that's okay! He is who he is and I'll accept it…even though it is just a phase. " He laughed

"What?" I replied, shaking my head. I realized that for some teenagers maybe, but even Mom could see that Mattie was gay back when he was ten!

"Well obviously it is! But enough with that! How is my amazing boy? You must be landing all of the girls I assume? How are your grades? Football? Tell me everything. I feel like I haven't talked to you in ages!" He bombarded me with questions I didn't want to answer, throwing me back into the couch.

"My grades are great! Straight A's just like you always ask for and Football is great as well. Coach had to ask me to stop eating cheeseburgers in front of the other team members though…Mainly because they were mimicking my diet and gaining weight while I was gained muscle." I was going to continue on how I was grateful for this because I learned how to eat a little healthier, when he cut me off.

"Oh those wimps. You're a winner, Alfred. Our family is a line of winners and you will be too."

"Of course, Dad." I've heard this all before. My great-grandfather was one of the first football players, my grandfather was a navy seal in the top of his class, my father was valedictorian and a lady-killer. In fact, all of them were straight, all successful, and all planned on having me follow in their footsteps.

"But what about the ladies? Do you guys have some sort of freshman dance this year?" He looked excited and hesitant, as though he didn't want to be disappointed.

"We have the Sadie Hawkins dance as well as a Spring Formal that freshmen are allowed to go to, but I don't think I would end up taking a girl."

"Don't tell me you're a homo just like your little brother." He was blunt and monotone in one strict sentence.

"I-I no! of course not!" I laughed loudly, showing my huge smile that was so fake…everything was.

"Good because it is all a phase, Alfred, I'm telling you."

My happiness is the fucking phase, Dad.

"Yes,"
"Hey, do you need to tell me something? You look down." My Dad brought his arm around me and squeezed me into a hug. He really meant well despite the ignorance, arrogance, and overall temper issue. I reminded myself to always hold my tongue.

"No, of course not." I lied.

"Matthew told me what's been happening to you. You do realize you can always talk to me about it."

"What do you mean?" I said, frightened of the millions of things Mattie COULD have told him.

"I know you're still scared to go to the Doctor. I know you've been talking to yourself again." I sighed in relief. This was an easy topic to avoid. He's been talking to me about this since I was a little boy.

"The doctor thing will pass. It's just some things from when Mom died. That's all." I said with a smile

"and the talking?" he pestered.

"So what if I'm lonely." I shrugged

"You'll grow out of it I'm sure. You're the perfect son after all." He looked like he wanted to ask further but the worrisome look faded, replaced with a smile.

"Thanks Dad." I smiled and excused myself.

I ran up to my room after that, planning to leave him alone to finish some work. When I got up there, I turned on my music as loud as I could and slid down the doorframe, my head hitting the knob on the way down.

Good.

In truth, I've always been alone. Loneliness is the thing that kills me every time. I was never like Arthur where he had real life imaginary friends, but I had voices. They taunted me and told me I was never good enough. They told me I was fat and that my Father would always favor Mattie. They told me that even though Matthew is the passive one, everyone prefers him.

That's why one of your best friends is dating him after all.

You fat ass, look what you've done.

Now Arthur can't even stand to be around you.

I bet it is only a matter of time before you cause everyone more pain.

You damn burden.

I've never been one for cutting, too messy, but a bruise is creative. It is a mark that can easily be covered up with football as an excuse. Most of the time football is nearly enough to allow me to feel what I want to feel. Pain makes it better. It makes the lines blend together between how much of a horrible person I am, and it allows the voices to take what harm they please on my body.

I started letting tears flow down my face as the thoughts ganged up on me. No one expects this to come from me, ever. I am Alfred F. Jones, the happy, talented, somewhat dense boy that annoys people whenever he gets the chance. I'm great at hiding what mental scars I have, enough to where I can focus on the possible mental problems of my best friend.

…Even if I am the problem.

That was the trigger as I pulled my hair and banged my head against the wall once or twice until I was seeing stars. I took my tool kit and beat myself with the backside of the hammer until my torso and arms were painted delicately in black and blue.

How beautiful

And then black came over me.

The next day, despite what aches and pains came over me, and how delightful they felt, I went to the Kirkland home to find Arthur.

He was sitting outside in his rose garden, talking peacefully to some characters I've known since I was little. I never mocked him for it like the others, I figured these must be angel voices, ones that won't hurt him. They were different from mine. They took form into characters like Flying Mint Bunny, and fairies. He swears to me they are real and I try to see them sometimes, but it never works. It always seemed to upset me more than him because I felt as though I had done something wrong to curse me with such evil voices.

I envied Arthur.

Either way, my presence startled him and he immediately stopped talking to whatever character was taking form in front of him. I fell to my knees in front of him as the look of shock grew.

"Arthur, please, please talk to me." I begged

"Alfred, damn you, just go away. " He waited for a moment before adding the last half. I got up in instinct and grabbed his arm.

"I know you don't want that. Please, tell me you don't want me to go away." I cried, feeling similar tears to last night spill down my face.

"I put him in tears." He muttered practically silently. I didn't reply because unlike every goddamn person on this Earth, I knew every single quirk about Arthur Kirkland and I KNEW that that line wasn't for me.

I'm breaking.

"Please, Arthur, you're the only person that makes me happy. If you don't want me around then who does." I felt myself slipping; possibly ready to pass out in his arms this time.

"Alfred-I"

"I know I'm the reason you must be feeling so horrible. I have to be. Everything else in your life is amazing in every way. It hurts me to see you like this, but if I am the problem then I'll just go." I got up, feeling my shame at how ridiculous I just looked in front of him.

"Alfred!" I heard him scream it, but I knew it was best if his problem just left.