(a/n) — this snippet is based off a very early idea/snippet originating in the TFF Omakes threads. i think the first omake taking this course was written by KittyBear in the Emiya Clan thread (pg4, #204). let's see how well this goes over...

Emiya Clan Misc – Ouran

"Ta~ke~shi~ kun! We're in the same class again!"

Takeshi Emiya moved his school bag to the side just as a yellow blur tackled him. "Haninozuka-kun?"

A pint-sized third-year student looked up at him with tearful eyes. "Mou, Takeshi-kun, I told you to call me 'Honey'!"

Takeshi adjusted his glasses in annoyance as he pried Mitsukuni Haninozuka's arms from his sides. "That wouldn't be proper, Haninozuka-kun." He nodded gratefully as a tall black-haired boy made his way over to the doorway.

"Mitsukuni," Takashi Morinozuka said quietly. "You shouldn't be making a scene."

Haninozuka crossed his arms and pouted. Not for the first time, Takeshi was struck by the resemblance to his younger brother, Gekkou – which was wrong on so many levels, not the least was that a student his elder by several weeks looked far too much like an elementary schooler.

"But it's amazing!" the blonde protested. "Takeshi-kun's family has almost no prestige, so normally he'd be in class C or D. But his grades in first and second years were in the top ninety-percentile, so he's all the way here in class A!"

"...which you already pointed out last year," Takeshi said. "I don't think it warrants a new round of celebration."

"But it's amazing!" Haninozuka insisted. Morinozuka managed to distract him with a plush bunny he'd pulled out of nowhere, reminding Takeshi of yet another elementary-aged sibling.

"By the way, Takeshi-kun." Haninozuka seemed to be successfully calmed down, considering the lower tone of his voice. "Have you thought about what I told you before the break?"

Takeshi barely managed to avoid a reflexive shudder. "Yes, Haninozuka-kun, but my answer remains the same. I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I do not require extracurricular activities... of that sort to provide income."

"Are you sure?" the blonde insisted. "Tama-chan had a lot of luck with a pair of middle school students last year, and now they're first years! They're suu~uper popular!"

"Quite sure," the purple-haired Emiya said as he adjusted his glasses.

"Reaally?" Haninozuka stared at him with watery eyes.

Takeshi stared back, his face impassive.

Haninozuka stared back with watery, puppy, teary eyes.

Morinozuka also stared at him, tilting his head as if to say, Do you want to be the one responsible if he starts crying?

Takeshi blinked. Then he lowered his head and sighed. "I'm not promising anything, but I'll go ahead and visit."

"Yaay!" Hani threw Usa-chan high into the air in celebration, then caught the plush and ran circles around Morinozuka. "We got Takeshi, Takashi!"

"I said I wasn't promising anything!" Takeshi said in exasperation.

ooo

"Haninozuka-kun, what is this?" Takeshi was very proud of his self-control in the face of absurdity. Being the eldest child in a very large family, he was the sibling they all looked to as an example. He was the buffer between his fellow siblings and his parents, once he was old enough he found himself helping out Uncle Gilgamesh in disciplining the younger kids – it would not be a stretch to say he'd seen almost every kind of mischief that the human mind could possibly think of.

Despite this experience, he was at a total loss when confronted with this... madness.

"This, Emiya-sempai, is the Ouran Host Club at it's finest!" Before Hani could formulate a reply, another blonde student walked up and gracefully tucked one hand under his chin. "Ouran is a unique Academy which stresses the importance of family lineage and social standing for our students, then wealth. As such, what we have here are beautiful young maidens with too much time on their hands being entertained by handsome young men – a unique, elegant playground for our school's elite."

Takeshi arched an eyebrow at the second-year student in front of him. "Suoh-kun, I understand your father is the chairman for this academy. However I don't think that gives you the right to condone this... this... debauchery on school property!" He threw out a hand to indicate the giggling, squealing mass of schoolgirls seated opposite a pair of redheaded twins.

Tamaki Suoh took the comment in stride, the soft smile never fading from his face. "Emiya-sempai, you misunderstand. This is innocent byplay, merely to tease and inflame the spirit, but never do we let it cross such a line. We hosts are professionals!"

"...and so because of his nightmare, Kaoru wanted to sleep together," one of the twins was saying.

"Hikaru! Telling our customers such things... how... how could you?" the other tearfully exclaimed.

"Don't worry Kaoru, it's not like I'd ever let one of them into my bed, not when I have you..."

"...Hikaru!"

The girls watching them all shrieked happily. Takeshi arched an eyebrow and struggled to not doom the whole room to Hannya exposure.

Tamaki was about to comment on the Hitachiin twins' antics when the door to the room clicked open.

"Sorry for intrudi– what's this?" A bespectacled boy in very worn clothing blinked in confusion. "I thought this was the music room."

Tamaki immediately spun around, his whole demeanor sparkling. The other hosts immediately looked up from what they were doing and all six of them joined in the greeting, "Irasshaimase!"

The newcomer blinked and backed himself against the door. "Wha– what the heck is with this group?"

"Haah? It's just a guy," the twins chimed in unison.

"I'm not with them," Takeshi said quickly.

ooo

Takeshi made use of a comfortable couch a far distance away from the rest of the group while he sorted himself out. On one hand, the group as a whole was not nearly as bad as the combined antics of Fuuko, Karin, and their mothers. On the other hand, he and Miya-kaasan would easily punish them for behavior far more tame than this. He spotted a short mop of yellow hair hovering around chest height making its way over. Idly, he wondered how the childish Haninozuka fit into this madness, until he saw yet another squealing first year easily pick up the diminutive third year in a glomp. The process repeated itself over and over, as one girl would pick up where another left off, until he saw Morinozuka navigate the mob and pluck the blonde out of the group. The two made their way over to the couch Takeshi was crashed on, Haninozuka munching on a plate full of cake he'd picked up from somewhere.

"Isn't this great, Takeshi-kun? Isn't it fun?" the boy cheerfully exclaimed.

"I'm about three minutes away from unleashing the Hannya on all of you," Takeshi truthfully replied.

"Aww, don't be like that. The last time you did that even the teacher was in the nurse's office for the rest of the day!" Haninozuka happily cut away another piece of cake and shoved the whole thing into his mouth at once. "Ne, have you met Haru-chan? Tama-chan's showing him around now. Since he accidentally broke that vase, Kyou-chan said he could work it off by joining us! So if you stay, we'll have two new members!"

Takeshi remembered Kyouya Ootori from an encounter the previous year after he'd confronted two black-suited men who had seemed to be following him. The third son of the Ootori Medical's CEO had given a formal apology for the men's actions – as he'd explained, since the Emiya family was relatively unknown in the circles the Ouran students' families tended to frequent, his guards may have been overly zealous in attempting to determine his background. He hadn't seen much of the then-first-year student after that, though after seeing him associated with this rabble, Takeshi had an inkling it was Ootori who had prompted Haninozuka to suddenly take an interest in himself last year. He reminded Takeshi of Matsu-kaasan, driven to learn everything he could about the people around him, though where Matsu might simply do a search of every electronic network in existence for references, Ootori used more mundane means.

He could easily imagine Ootori being the sort of person to watch the bottom line, scrutinizing every single yen that passed through the club's coffers. So the idea that he'd press the poor wandering first-year into hard labor to pay off the broken vase he'd bumped into was completely in keeping with what he knew of the boy. Shame about that... what did Haninozuka call him, Haru-chan? Shame about that Haru fellow. Takeshi shuddered as he thought about what Haru Emiya's reaction to paying off the vase would have been.

Haninozuka, meanwhile, had continued monologuing, nevermind that Takeshi hadn't been paying attention. The blondes voice suddenly rose with excitement, causing Takeshi to wince again at his building headache. "Oh! Tama-chan! Over here!"

Suoh smiled as he walked over to their table with a sullen-looking boy behind him. "Honey-sempai! Emiya-sempai! I was wondering where you had run off to!"

"Sorry," Takeshi struggled to maintain a civil expression as another excited shriek from across the room pierced his ears. "I've been feeling a bit under the weather."

"Perfectly understandable!" the lead host exclaimed. "Such a stimulating environment can often be overwhelming for our customers at first." He beckoned their newest member forward. "But, before I forget my manners, Haruhi-kun, this is Mitsukuni Haninozuka-sempai, Takashi Morinozuka-sempai and Takeshi Emiya-sempai, our third-year hosts! Honey-sempai, Mori-sempai, Emiya-sempai, this is Haruhi Fujioka-kun."

Haruhi's eyes widened as Haninozuka bounced over to him and grabbed at his hand. "This guy's a third-year?"

Takeshi's eyes flew over to Morinozuka. The other boy had been so quiet he'd forgotten he was even here. He winced as another spark of pain lanced through his head. Damnable migraine, just being here was hazardous to his health. "I'm just a guest here, visiting Haninozuka-kun as a favor," he clarified. He moved forward and extended his own hand politely.

Fujioka took his hand in greeting, and suddenly Takeshi's world flipped. The annoyance and quiet fury he'd been building up since he'd entered the room was suddenly blasted away, leaving him with a clarity and peace of mind he'd rarely enjoyed since his childhood. On the other hand, the headache that had been nursing suddenly flared up to unbearable levels. He clutched at his head with his free hand, almost bending over with the pain.

"Takeshi-kun!"

"Emiya-sempai!" Two voices cried out in surprise.

He felt a hand drop onto his shoulder and he lifted his head to stare into two wide eyes underneath a messy mop of hair. "Um, are you okay, sempai?" Haruhi asked.

"I'm fine," Takeshi replied automatically. "It's just a..." It's just a what? His headache seemed to have grown again with the contact, his breath was coming in short gasps. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought he was...

Wait...

...No.

He stepped backwards abruptly, breaking contact with the boy. "I'm sorry, I need to go now," he stammered. "To go... to the nurse's office." Not waiting for a reply, he half stumbled, half ran for the doorway. Once out the doors, away from prying eyes, he crossed hallway to the banister, vaulting over it and landing easily on the ground floor.

He had to get away. Get away from that den of evil. Even just a short hour in there and he was already infected by the perversion. Nothing else could explain why he had Reacted.

To another boy.

At least the distance from the room had seemed to alleviate his headache somewhat. Distance from the boy. From Haruhi Fujioka. He'd have to find a way to avoid him. Since they were two grades apart, he didn't have to worry about classes. He'd certainly have to avoid That Room in the future. Although there was another sense nagging him in the back of his head. Something about him...

Maybe he'd take a page from Ootori's – and Matsu-kaasan's – playbook. He whipped out his cellphone and hit the speed-dial. A few short rings later he connected with the person on the other end.

ooo

Matsu-kaasan certainly worked fast, much to Takeshi's gratitude. His step-mother had uploaded a near-complete dossier on Haruhi Fujioka to his computer shortly after he'd gotten off the phone with her. There were pages and pages of detail, but Takeshi couldn't take his eyes off the first section.

Fujioka, Haruhi; Age: 15; Gender: Female

Gender: Female

On one hand he could breathe a sigh of relief. He was reacting to a girl. On the other hand, he had a new problem. His potential Ashikabi was a crossdresser. He could have written off her appearance, she was clearly new to the school and may have not received her uniform. However, as part of the information included, Takeshi also had links to the girl's parents. At first glance from the pictures, she had two mothers. Not common, but not unusual either – he almost had two dozen, so he definitely wasn't qualified to make any judgements. Then he took a closer look at the 'alive' one, noticing that it was a picture of her father. That certainly put the family of his potential Ashikabi in a whole new light.

He slumped against the wall, dropping his tablet back into his school bag. "I am never going to live this one down," he moaned.