+ Fallacy, a 100themes Challenge +
Sarehptar

Theme: 43, Dying
Characters: Kharl, Rath
Pairing: Implied Rath/Cesia.
Warnings: Crack. This is so, so much crack.
Need to Know Info: This is (sort of) a direct sequel to Theme #33, "Should Have Seen It Coming," so you will probbabbbllyy need to read that one in order for this one to make even the slightest, tiniest bit of sense. This theme carries on the very, very strange AU from that theme and takes it even further, so I'm sorry if you end up very confused. Also, I didn't want to do anything remotely heavy or angsty for the theme "dying," so I produced something totally ridiculous written entirely in dialogue. I'm sorry if it's horrible. Also, some knowledge of popular video games might be helpful. XD
Title Provider: Ai no Uta (Strawberry Flower)

We'll fight, be silent, and follow you,
but we won't ask you to love us.

"This is utterly ridiculous. You can't simply alter the accepted controls in the middle of the course and expect users to grasp—"

"Watch out! Elite incoming!"

"And that's another thing I can't abide by: the naming system in this contained virtual dimension is completely inconsistent. One would assume that an organized force going by the name of 'Spartans' would find worthier names for their enemies than 'Grunt' and—"

"Get the Banshee off the ground, now!"

"My point exactly. Why are Spartans riding in a flying machine named after an Irish spirit? ...Is it supposed to be able to throw me out that easily?"

"No. No it's not."

"Then for that matter, the contrived mechanics of these vehicles is truly atrocious. There is simply no way they would ever—"

"Armor lock! Armor lock! Agh!"

"Oh. I died."

"Again. You died again."

"Perhaps you should stop beating your head on the desk. There is a poorly-animated-likely-hostile organic tank approaching your side of the scre—"

"...Andddd now I died again."

"Maybe if you hadn't taken over my control apparatus—"

"I was trying to help you. God, you spawned right over the core! We could have won!"

"Practice might be a necessity in this situation..."

"There aren't enough years left in your life to fit in all the practice you need—and you're immortal."

"That might be a bit of an exaggeration, don't you think?"

"Which part? ...Never mind. It's over and done with. I'll find you an easier game to play."

"I'm still not quite clear on how I ended up taking part in these virtual slaughters in the first place... Did that god awful guidance counselor of yours set you up to this? Because I have it on good word that he is an abuser of illegal substances—"

"How many times do I have to tell you, Dad? Kaistern doesn't do drugs."

"...He works for Lykouleon."

"Good point. But that still doesn't make him a druggie; it just makes him a tool."

"Was this his suggestion? It was, wasn't it? I don't know where he learned my weak flanks but I will not sit calmly by and continue to let him and his little party of overgrown lizards humiliate me in this sort of manner. Next time I see him I'll have his liver on a platter before he can blink."

"Trust me, you would not want that guy's liver. It's like the poster child for cirrhosis. And besides, Lykouleon would—huh?"

"The phone's ringing, Rath..."

"But who would call the house line? And why hasn't Garfakcy gotten it yet?"

"He's procuring himself a ticket to your pro—I mean, I gave him the day off!"

"Garfakcy hasn't taken a day off in like two centuries. I don't think you could make him take a day off if you tied him to a concrete block and dropped him off a bridge. He'd just come back with a mop in his hands to clean up his own wet footprints."

"Are you going to get the phone, Rath?"

"Why should I?"

"You're closer."

"It's gonna be for you. My friends call my phone."

"It's going to be someone I don't want to talk to."

"...If you promise to never use that 'woe is me' sigh again, I guess I'll get it."

"My whole-hearted promise, Rath."

"Yeah right. ...Hello? Oh. It's you. Uh-huh. No. Go die."

"Who is it?"

"It's Headmaster Lykouleon. He says he's going to storm the castle if you don't stop writing slanderous letters about him to the Board of Education."

"Why am I always the first blamed? Does he think Nadil's incapable of writing or something?"

"My dad says you're an asshole and next time he's going to tell the Board how you kidnapped my nubile soul and kept me imprisoned for decades in a coffin hidden under your secret weapons stash."

"It was a coffin? Why do I always hear about these things decades too—"

"...Well he knows now. Have fun with that one. I'm hanging up."

"A coffin!"

"Calm down, Dad. What'd your mandatory group class say about revenge—"

"Yes, yes: an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind. But I keep telling you, I really think it would be worth it. I can grow new eyes."

"How did they ever deem you safe for life among the general public?"

"I might have given them an assumed name and changed appearances several times since then."

"Are you sure they didn't just figure you'd drown in your own clutter before you could cause any harm to innocent bystanders?"

"I resent that. I've solved the clutter issue!"

"Nice. I'm going to tell Garfakcy you consider him the solution to all your personal failings."

"Please don't. When he gets to feeling self important he puts hazardous materials into your cookies and then I have to switch before they get to you and swallowing bits of glass without making faces is really quite difficult..."

"What?"

"Or worse, he'll get mad and then there'll be cyanide in the tea. I keep mistaking it for almond extract! ...Huh? Why are you pinching yourself?"

"Just checking whether I'm going to wake up from this crazy dream into a normal family or anything approaching reality any time soon."

"We are perfectly normal."

"Ah! Ha ha ha! Ow! Ow, hang on, I think I popped a lung on my ribs! Normal! Pffftt!"

"Why are you laughing?"

"Because—ha! —we are the furthest from normal this world has probably ever seen. There's an alternate dimension at the back of our garage where you're storing a limo. We have a hyperspace limo. A space limo, Dad."

"I'm sure plenty of people have—"

"No one else has a space limo."

"Owning a limousine doesn't make us—"

"There's an alternate dimension at the back of our garage but you can't figure out the controls for an Xbox 360. Halo Reach isn't even hard. Thatz's mom plays it for God's sake."

"Is... that what this was about? Being normal? Are you bothered by—"

"No, it's not that! It's just... Cesia is pretty normal."

"Cesia... That loud but otherwise completely uninteresting girl you're going to the prom with?"

"Hey—"

"Well, my mandatory group class definitely said that if someone loves you, they'll happily accept even the most outlandish of your quirks, so you shouldn't worry about being normal! In fact, you should certainly reveal more of your true self! I'm sure if this freakishly unmannered girl really cares for you, she won't mind at all that you're an ex-bloodthirsty demon king—ACK! Rath, I can't breathe! Choking hurts!"

"Dammit! Why do you always have to ruin everything for me? I was trying to be serious and honest for once and you had to bring that up! No wonder you can't form meaningful relationships with anyone—you're so selfish! ...Screw this, I'm leaving. I'll be at Rune's; don't call me."

"But... Ah, about that 'easier' game?"

"Play this! It's right up your alley!"

"Rath, don't throw things at me—you know I can't catch! ...And don't slam the door either!"

- x - x - x -

"Dad, I'm home. And Garfakcy already chewed me out for the broken glass in the door so you don't have to. Anyway, about that... I'm not sorry but—"

"Ssh! You're distracting me!"

"What? What the heck? Are you actually playing—"

"Ssh!"

"Just pause it! Whoa, wait how far are you? Have you been playing since I left?"

"This particular simulator is surprisingly addictive. The conceptual approach of its plot and gameplay makes considerably more sense than that bizarrely named Halo nonsense, and—"

"Holy crap, I left two days ago! And hey, I never even made it this far! How did you get three parts in just one game day? Did you cheat? I'm going to watch."

"Of course Rath, although if your untimely entrance and running commentary result in the death of one of my minions I will be most displeased."

"Stop smiling when you say 'minions,' it's creepy."

"I'm just glad you're home."

"Yeah, I—huh? You haven't lost a single Pikmin? That's not even possible!"

"Meaningful relationships and all that."

"...Wow, a guilt trip! Just what I always wanted!"

"Returning the favor. Apparently, that's a normal thing to do."

"I get it, okay. I was—There's no way you just defeated that boss that fast. And where are the rest of your Pikmin even?"

"It's the simple principle of dividing to conquer. The minions attack without needing direction, so splitting the group into three based upon affinity allows me to position three individual, smaller, self-directed armies among the large enemies based upon the enemies' attack patterns, which limits the potential for accidental death due to exposing minions of the incorrect variety to attacks they cannot withstand. If I move between the groups rapidly, I can oversee three different conflicts simultaneously and direct them quickly enough when the time comes to retrieve our treasure."

"Go figure. You're abnormally good at manipulating the brainless masses."

"I just think they're cute. I don't want them to die."

"Yeah... Me either. But still, I lost some when I played. Normal people make mistakes."

"Like bringing up things they shouldn't, and not managing to win even when they 'spawn right above the core'? Even though I might have said it poorly, I did mean what I said, Rath."

"About what?"

"About you not needing to be normal to be loved. No matter how absolutely strange you are, you're just fine."

"Thanks... I think? But it's a little bit different when it comes to not-my-sole-overly-attached paren—"

"Ah, one of them died! Died! Look at its sad little soul! ...I blame Cesia for this."

"Dad!"

"Besides, she's not normal either. She was talking to the dog."

"Oh. Oh, you're right."

"Now have you figured out who is going to be driving the space limo? Because I decided Zoma is much too abnormal for the job and so I've very intentionally given him that evening off."

"Daddd!"

Theme 44: Two Roads
"And how do I get to the place where you're from?"