Emiya Clan Misc – Ouran 06

The willowy brunette sighed happily, "It was love at first sight... "

"Eh?"

"Always affectionate towards the garden's plants which everybody else would ignore; compassionately reaching out to aid injured wildlife... "

""That... we can't imagine that at all... ""

"Such a kind-hearted individual. He helps others without asking for anything in return..."

"What."

"Thrives in solitude, but he actually hates being alone and longs for companionship... "

"This sounds like the storyline for a really bad... "

"From the heart-throbbing Dating Sim, Uki＊Doki Memorial, Miyabi Ichijou!" Renge spun in place and jabbed a finger towards the Shadow King. "Kyouya-sama looks exactly like him!"

Kyouya pressed a hand to his chin in thought. "I see, this 'Miyabi' probably resembles me somewhat, so she puts me in place with her favorite character and lets her fantasies run wild."

""Otaku!"" The twins recoiled in shock. ""It's a real life Otaku!""

Tamaki stepped forward, "Houshakuji-san... " He stopped as she swung her hand around to jab him in the chest.

"You!" she exclaimed. "You're the worst! A true King of men wouldn't spread his love around to every two-bit girl that crossed his field of vision! He would cling tightly to his one and only true love, just like Miyabi-sama!" She glared at him, a narrow-eyed stare that transmitted the depth of her loathing for him, "You're just a Fake King!"

With a pained cry, Tamaki fell backwards as if he'd been shot.

"Renge-chan~" Honey bounced over to the distraught girl. "Renge-chan, would you like to have some milk to calm down?"

She flicked a finger against his forehead and grabbed at his cheeks. "What is this? Are you really a high school student?"

Honey ran to hide behind Mori, sobbing the whole way.

Renge whirled around to take in the room as a whole. "You're all lacking... all of your characteristics are terribly lacking!" She began to pace around agitatedly as the Host Club watched her blankly. "You're all too perfect, you have no bad points! Girls are weak to handsome men who hide trauma in their lives! Anything else is just too dull!"

She stabbed her finger towards Honey. "We'll start with you! Being cute on the inside and outside is for babies! You should have a cute appearance that hides the personality of a demon!"

"What?"

"Morinozuka-sempai, you must be willing to speak up against Haninozuka-sempai more often! He will scorn you at every turn but you demonstrate unwavering loyalty even when it pains you!"

". . ."

"You two!" she stared at Hikaru and Kaoru. "You're twins that suffer tremendously because people can't tell you apart." She flipped a rubber ball towards them from... somewhere. "And you're part of the basketball club."

""Haah?""

"Haruhi-kun, you're a super-poor honors student who suffers from bullies!"

"... Isn't that what's going on right now already?"

"Tamaki-sempai, people always compliment you because of your looks and because your father is the headmaster of the school, but you suffer from extreme isolation for those reasons as well!"

"That... actually seems quite suitable..."

She stabbed a finger towards Takeshi, then paused to hide behind Kyouya. "You're a Demon!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She ignored him and swung around to face her hiding spot. "Kyouya-sama, please don't ever change."

The Shadow King smiled graciously and bowed. "It will be my pleasure."

She turned towards the last person in the room, a figure wrapped in a black cloak lurking in the background, "And who is this?"

"Hm? Oh, that's just Nekozawa-sempai," Hikaru said.

Nekozawa smiled beneath the shadow of his hood, wiggling his hand puppet. "And Beelzenef," he added.

"Wrong!" Before anybody could react, Renge stalked forward and whipped the black cloth from his body. "If you're going for the handsome-yet-mysterious look, then you're trying way too hard! You need to have more subtlety, and what's with the doll? We already have one with Honey-sempai!"

"THE LIGHT!" Nekozawa shrieked, cowering against the floor. "IT BURNS!"

She threw the cloak over the twitching body and stalked away. "That's just trying too hard. I've already decided on a Demon, too."

Two very annoyed faces turned towards the one person in the room still smiling. ""Kyouya-sempai, please do something about her...""

"Me? But I thought she was Haruhi's responsibility."

"Eh?" the brunette paled.

"Besides," Kyouya smiled. "This could turn out to be something very interesting..."

ooo

""This sucks.""

Renge's 'character reinterpretation project' had turned into a full-fledged short film, complete with a professional filming crew. Hikaru and Kaoru had just come from their scene, consisting of a dramatic basketball game which had resulted in Kaoru being injured. The two traded heartfelt lines as Kaoru was hauled away on a medical stretcher while rain fell around them. Tamaki had walked up to them at that point, solemnly pointing out the two of them had each other to cling to, while he had nobody else to rely on. That despite his status as an idol of the school, he was drowning in isolation. And the rain continued to fall around them.

"Look at this script!" Hikaru complained. "It implies that although I take the initiative in our relationship, Kaoru is the more mature one who leads me from behind."

"What's wrong with that?" Takeshi asked. "It seems like something you two would do."

"It's exactly what we do," Hikaru clarified. "There's no reason for to change our characters then!"

They watched as Honey and Mori cornered Haruhi against a tree. Honey, for his part, was doing a tremendously excellent job acting out a cold, heartless villain. Haruhi looked suitably cowed as the shorter boy berated her for living beyond her means and trying to stand against him. Mori leaned down to quietly admonish him, but Honey slapped him away. "Shut it, Takashi!" the normally cheerful boy growled. "Or would you like me to punish you again?" He smiled wickedly as he looked down upon Haruhi, who was staring back defiantly. Meanwhile, the rain continued to fall around them.

The bystanders all shivered.

Suddenly Honey hiccupped, "I... I'm so sorry, Haru-chan!" He dived forward to glomp Haruhi. "I didn't mean it! I'll never do that again!" He sobbed into her shoulder as she blinked and patted his head consolingly. The rain continued to fall, leaving dramatic water trails on their faces.

"CUT!" Renge bit into her scriptbook as she stood up angrily. "Honey-sempai, follow the script! Camera crews, take a break and review everything you've gotten until now! Rain, be more painful!"

Takeshi stared at the crewmember who's only purpose seemed to be controlling a glorified garden hose. Why rain?

"Yes, boss!" the crew acknowledged.

Tamaki rushed over to Haruhi to compliment her acting and fish for compliments for his own. Renge spun towards the rest of the peanut gallery. "Takeshi-sempai! Let's review the script for you and Nekozawa-sempai."

"Ah..." Takeshi looked down to the page he had bookmarked in the scriptbook. "About that..."

"Yes, so, you and Nekozawa-sempai are a pair of shadowy demons with absolutely no redeeming qualities. The rest of the Host Club will band together, showing that even their own troubles are nothing compared to how far you two have fallen. In a dramatic, climactic scene they will band together and defeat you using the Power of Friendship!"

"You're still mad about the incident in the clubroom, aren't you?" Takeshi asked.

She ignored him and looked around. "Speaking of which, where is Nekozawa-sempai."

""He ran away,"" the twins shrugged. ""As soon as he could.""

"He doesn't do so well outdoors," Hikaru commented.

"Too much natural light," Kaoru added. "Too much light, period."

Renge put a finger to her chin for a few moments. "Well, that's alright, I managed to obtain the services of a few students from Class 1-D to help us out. Takeshi-sempai, they'll be your minions." She pointed off to the side where several students were just rounding the corner of the building.

"My what?"

"Yes, so Takeshi-sempai and his Horde of Evil will strike out on the members of the Host Club—"

"Hey, we're what now?" the first student asked.

"—and then after their first initial defeat, Kyouya-sama will provide an inspirational speech that will touch at the hearts of all of you and band together to defeat these villains!"

"Renge-san!" Haruhi spoke up. "This might be convenient for you, but don't you think if you see people in such a superficial light, there's so much about them that you're missing out on?"

"Eh?" She cocked her head to the side for a moment, then shook it. "I don't get it. Anyhow, Nameless Extra #1, you'll stand here."

Takeshi broke into shivers, causing the other three Host Club members to stare at him oddly.

"Hey!" protested the Class-D students as she bodily dragged them around. One of them tore her arm off of his and swung her around, "Don't think you can do whatever you want just because you're in Class-A!" He shoved her backwards, tripping her over a camera cord and sending her stumbling for a light scaffold.

"Renge-san!" Haruhi dashed forward and just managed to interpose herself between the framework and Renge's body. The two slammed into the structure, which shuddered with the impact, but fortunately it didn't collapse. Haruhi dropped to the ground clutching at her shoulder, then pressed a hand to her face as Renge stood frozen in shock.

"Hey!" Takeshi, Hikaru and Kaoru all rushed forward to pin the two Class-D students.

"What was that for, that was dangerous!" Kaoru shouted as he grabbed at one of the students.

"You could have gotten Haruhi hurt!" said Hikaru as he grabbed the other one.

Takeshi reached the two girls and squatted, "Fujioka-san?"

Haruhi waved a hand dismissively, "It's nothing, Takeshi-sempai. I'm alright."

Takeshi ran a critical eye over her, then nodded as he stood back up. "That's good..." he muttered as he stalked over to the twins.

Tamaki ran around the corner of the building at that moment, "Haruhi? What happened just now?" He dashed forward, then slid to a stop as Haruhi lifted her head to present watery, tear-filled eyes. He spun towards the Class-D students, "Who–?"

He paused as he found two already cowering in terror as Takeshi rounded on them with the Hannya. Hikaru and Kaoru were both off to the side, gasping for breath at the very close-call they had just received.

""You idiot!"" they shouted. ""Wait for us to get out of the way first!""

Seeing that the two were being properly dealt with, Tamaki knelt in front of Haruhi and lifted her chin. "Haruhi...?"

"I'm alright, Tamaki-sempai," she replied as she rubbed at her eyes. She blinked as a small disk fell into her hands. "The impact just shifted my contacts."

"... Oh. Your... contacts... " Tamaki breathed a sigh of relief.

Renge's eyes were wide as she stared at the tender, climactic scene before her. She shivered and clenched her hands. "Camera crew!" she cried out, spinning around. "Did you get that?"

"Yes boss!" they replied. "We got it all!"

"Perfect! Now we just need Kyouya-sama's heartfelt speech and we can edit that in to–"

*CRUNCH*

"My camera!" the operator cried.

Renge stared in disbelief, "Kyouya-sama? Why?"

"I'm terribly sorry," Kyouya said. He was no longer smiling, his expression cold and serious. "But we cannot leave any evidence of violent behaviors demonstrated by our Club's members."

"But... but... "

"Furthermore," he continued, "it's very unpleasant of you to be causing this kind of trouble for us."

"But, why?" Renge looked stricken. "Kyouya-sama, if it was Kyouya-sama, he should be saying 'Don't worry about it'. And he'd pat my head lovingly. And..."

"That's not the real Kyouya," Tamaki smoothly interrupted. "And we wouldn't have it any other way."

"I wouldn't mind if Kyouya-sempai was like how she described him," Hikaru commented.

Kaoru shrugged, "Eh, it was fun while it lasted, but it got boring awfully quickly."

"Reinterpreting the personalities of our hosts for your own amusement..." Takeshi began.

Haruhi grabbed his hand with her own and he quickly shut up with a wince.

"You're far too good at that," Hikaru said suspiciously.

Haruhi gave him an innocent look, then let go of Takeshi and moved foward to stand before Renge. "It's nice to have various reasons to fall in love," she said. "But I think it's more fun to get to know the person, little by little, by seeing their true personality.

"Don't you think?" she smiled brightly at the other girl.

Renge hiccupped to clear he crying and looked around at the other club members. There was no censure in their eyes, perhaps mild annoyance in Hikaru's, but otherwise they seemed to easily accept her own quirks. She hiccupped again and bowed her head, "I'm sorry to have caused you so much trouble..."

"Well, that was a complete waste of time," Hikaru complained.

"Completely," Kaoru agreed.

"It was a horrible act, what kind of people would like seeing us in those interpretations?" Hikaru grumbled.

"I made sure to copy the recordings before I destroyed Houshakuji-san's copies," Kyouya said. "Sales of the resulting DVDs are going quite well."

"". . .""

"I made sure to edit out the violent portions, of course," Kyouya stared over at Takeshi. "My editor nearly had to be taken to a hospital when trying to edit out your parts after he suffered a mild seizure. What did you do?"

"Family secret," Takeshi said evasively.

"What kind of family teaches their children to wage psychological warfare with a glance?" Hikaru exclaimed.

"Hikaru, be nice!" Haruhi admonished.

"That reminds me, Fujioka-san," Takeshi said.

" 'Haruhi-san'," she said absently.

"How can you tell those two apart? I think I've figured out that their hair parts on different sides of their head, but you seem to be able to figure them out even if they change their hairstyles."

"Hmm," she pressed a finger to her lips thoughtfully. "I suppose Hikaru always says things with a bit more malice than Kaoru does."

Kaoru burst into a chuckle, then covered his mouth as Hikaru turned to glare at him. "Sorry, Hikaru..."

"I'll make this very clear," Hikaru said, raising his voice slightly. "It only seems that way because I don't like to hide my thoughts, unlike a certain hypocritical person here."

The room fell quiet as they turned to stare at the couch the twins were perched on.

"And if we were to talk about evil personalities," Hikaru continued, "that's really Kaoru's forte."

"Please don't spout such nonsense, Hikaru," Kaoru replied. His own voice was now lacking any signs of amusement. "I'm the one who always has to deal with the fallout of your own stubborn ways."

"Uh... " Haruhi blinked in confusion.

"My stubborn ways?" Hikaru pointedly looked away from Kaoru. "I might make up the ideas for the pranks we pull, but it's you who finds the best way to execute it for maximum effectiveness on our victims."

"I'm only doing exactly what you would do, you're still the one to think up all the ideas." Kaoru threw an amused smirk at his twin. "Besides, you even came up with the 'toy' idea. Could it be that you just wanted an excuse to 'play' around with Haruhi yourself?"

"What?" Haruhi said.

"What?" Takeshi said.

"WHAT?" Tamaki shouted.

"What are you saying?" Hikaru scoffed. "You really are an idiot, how could I like that tanuki-like character?"

"This is so heavenly!" Renge clutched her hands together dreamily. "It's an honest-to-goodness love-triangle! No, a love-polyhedron! With men! I can die happy now!"

""You're still here?"" the twins exclaimed. ""Get lost, Otaku.""

Renge broke down into tears as Haruhi stepped over to comfort her.

"Thanks to you, now she thinks we're a bunch of homos!" Kaoru shouted.

"What? Me? Who's the one that tries to join me in bed while I'm asleep?"

"That was only because I thought you were lonely!"

"Um, guys? You're not helping your case here," Takeshi pointed out. Mentally he shook his head. I am getting far too used to this if that's the only reaction I have to that...

The twins glared at each other for several minutes before they jabbed an arm at each other. ""Sever all ties!""

Kyouya looked flipped through his notebook and looked over his glasses, "If this affects sales, I'll be adding the losses to your debt."

Haruhi blinked, "Eh?"