Uncanny Wonder Woman

Chapter 3: The Joke's On You!

By

The Uncanny R-Man

Disclaimer- All familiar characters belong to DC.

Quote of the day- 'Hmm, Barney's movie has heart. But 'Football in the Groin' has a football in the groin.'

Boston, Massachusetts-

It was nighttime in the city of Boston, and the city's resident superhero was doing her rounds. It had been a quiet day for Diana. One or two muggings and a gang of thugs trying to bust into a jewellery store. All in all, it had not been a very active night for the Amazon formerly known as Wonder Woman.

One thing that disturbed Diana was the fact that the Joker had been rumoured to be lurking around somewhere in Boston. It was Diana's duty to stop the psychotic clown before anybody was killed.

Diana landed on the rooftop of a building opposite an old abandoned warehouse that used to hold giant parade balloons.

'The Joker has to be hiding here…' Diana muttered to herself. 'I should wait for Bruce to arrive, but the longer the Joker stays here, the more chance he was of killing somebody.'

Inside the warehouse, unaware of their super-powered peeping tom, the Joker and Harley Quinn were planning their first attack.

'I've got an idea, puddin'…' Harley smiled. 'How about we blow something up?'

'We always blow something up.' The Joker tutted. 'I fancy doing something… different.'

'How about we go egg Wondy's house?' Harley suggested. 'I got her address outta the phone book.'

'Heh. Now that sounds like fun.' The Joker snickered. 'I'll go get the grenade eggs.'

Unfortunately for them, the duo of villains never got the chance to start their plan as Diana smashed through the wall.

'Hold that thought, Joker!' Diana said as she hovered before the two villains.

'Ooh, goodie!' The Joker clapped his hands excitedly. 'The party came to us. Harley, if you'd do the honours…?'

Harley put two fingers to her mouth and gave a shrill whistle. A horrific animalistic laugh answered as Harley's pet hyenas made their appearance.

Diana lowered herself to the ground and got ready for a fight.

Elsewhere-

Elsewhere in the city, a mysterious figure wearing a long trenchcoat and a hat was walking through the streets. The figure was Dr Barbara Minerva, the former villain known as Cheetah. The reformed feline villain had decided to have a night on the town while Diana searched for the Joker and Donna did her thing with Titans East.

Cheetah headed for a nearby alley to take a shortcut to the house she shared with Diana and her sister. Unfortunately, a quartet of young punks decided to follow her in.

'Hey babe, you got the time?' The lead punk asked with a lecherous grin.

'Sorry…' Cheetah apologised. 'I haven't got a watch.'

'Then gimmie yo' money!' The punk demanded as he pulled out a knife.

'You really don't want to mess with me, kid.' Cheetah sighed, still keeping her features hidden under her hat.

'Izzat so?' Another punk mocked. 'How about we show this chickie what we do to people that give us gyp…?'

The other punks laughed evilly as they advance on Cheetah, not realising who their prey actually was.

Cheetah easily dodged the lead thug's knife and threw off her trenchcoat.

'You asked for this, punk.' Cheetah growled as she grabbed the punk's hand and deftly snapped it, making him drop the knife.

'Ahh! Bitch!' The punk hissed, clutching his hand. 'Kill her!'

Another punk charged at Cheetah with a baseball bat, only to have his weapon smashed to kindling by a well-aimed slash from Cheetah's claws. The punk then ended up getting thrown against the wall as Cheetah wrapped her tail around his leg and tossed him away.

The third punk had a gun. He never got to use it however, as Cheetah simply ripped it from his grip and jumped up, slashing the punk on the chest with the claws on her feet. Cheetah then grabbed on to the bottom of a fire escape and kicked the punk in the face, knocking him out.

'Kids nowadays…' Cheetah tutted as she bent down to retrieve her hat and coat.

Unfortunately, Cheetah didn't see the lead punk get up from the ground with the remains of his buddy's baseball bat. Cheetah only noticed her attacker when it was too late. The guy clubbed her over the head, laying the feline former villain out flat.

'Oh yeah, that's what I'm takin' about!' The punk crowed. 'No messin' wit' us, bi…'

The punk's taunts were cut short as he was knocked on his butt by an almighty punch to the face.

'You punks make me wanna puke!' A gruff voice sneered. 'I oughta give you all a damn good whuppin'!'

Cheetah looked up blearily at her rescuer, a muscular man in a dark costume that looked pretty similar to Batman's, only without the cape and bat insignia.

The mystery man laid out the lead punk with another almighty punch.

'That oughta keep you until the cops come along…' The man muttered as he dusted off his hands.

The mystery man then knelt down to help Cheetah to her feet.

'You okay?' The man asked gently. 'That was a pretty nasty knock ya took there.'

'I-I think I'm okay…' Cheetah replied uncertainly. 'Who are you anyway?'

'The name's Wildcat.' The man introduced. 'And I take it you're Cheetah, one o' Wonder Woman's roomies.'

'Yup, that's me…' Cheetah nodded as she leant against her rescuer. 'Man, I can't believe I let myself get taken down like that…'

'Hey, don't beat yerself up like that…' Wildcat comforted her. 'I've been victim of my fair share o' sucker punches too.'

Wildcat caught Cheetah as she stumbled forwards.

'That punk musta clobbered you harder than you thought.' The veteran hero commented. 'Let's get ya back to the gym so we can get a better look at yer wounds.'

Cheetah didn't disagree as Wildcat gently helped her with her coat and led her away.

Back with Diana-

Over in the old balloon warehouse, Diana was still taking on the Joker and Harley Quinn. The hyenas had been taken down pretty easily. Diana tried to hold her punches on Harley's pets, as she was an avid animal lover, whether said creatures were the pets of psychotic villains or not.

Diana laid out Harley with one swift kick and turned to the Joker.

'Give up now, Joker…' Diana demanded. 'I do not wish to hurt you.'

'Pity I don't feel the same way, eh Princess?' The Joker snickered. 'C'mon put 'em up!'

Diana promptly punched the psychotic clown in the face.

'Owie!' The Joker hissed as he stumbled back. 'Geez, you hit harder than the Bat!'

'Do you want more?' Diana asked as she got ready for another fight.

'Just… just let me get my breath back…' The Joker panted as he put his hands on his knees.

Being a honourable warrior, Diana let her opponent catch his breath.

Unfortunately for Diana, this as only a ploy as the Joker pulled out a vial of Joker Venom and tossed it in Diana's face.

Diana stumbled back with a cough.

'W-what was that…?' Diana coughed. 'W-was that… J-Joker Ven…Heh-heh. Ha-ha-ha. BWA-HA-HAAAA!'

The Joker smiled to himself as Diana doubled over with laughter.

'Oh, you Amazons think you're all that…' The Joker tutted. 'But you're not! Yay me! I beat Wonder Woman!'

The Joker then started to dance about like a loon.

'I beat Wonder Woman! I beat Wonder Woman! I beat Wonder… Yiiii!'

The Joker let out a yelp as somebody grabbed the waistband of his underwear and gave him a wedgie.

'Ooh, that's gonna smart come morning…' The Joker squeaked.

'I'll say…' Diana snickered. 'Your Joker Venom didn't work. Now, let me show you the real meaning of fun…!'

Diana surprised her opponent with a swift poke to the eye.

'Hey!' The Joker hissed as he put his hand on his injured eye. 'No fair!'

Diana went to poke the Joker in the other eye, only for him to block it with his hand.

'Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!' The Joker taunted.

Diana simply grabbed the Joker by the nose and bent it back.

'Ow-ow-ow!' The Joker hissed once more as he fell to his knees. 'Dad's nod fair… Badman never did anyding like dat!'

'I am not Batman.' Diana retorted. 'As I am sure that you are perfectly aware.'

Diana then grabbed the Joker's hand and began to punch his face.

'Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!' Diana teased.

'Oh, now this is just demeaning…' The Joker groaned.

Diana then let her quarry drop to the ground and took a couple of step backs. The clown-faced lunatic's eyes widened.

'Oh, hell no…' The Joker winced as he realised what Diana was about to do and tried to scramble away.

Diana ran up and dealt the Joker a nasty kick to the groin with such force that it sent the screaming psychopath sailing into the air to come crashing down on top of some crates.

'One gallon of hot sauce please, Mr Postman…' The Joker mumbled before passing out.

'Well, that was fun…' Diana chuckled as she dusted off her hands. 'Now, to make sure you don't get away before the police arrive...'

Grant's Gym-

Cheetah was presently sat on the couch in Grant's Gym. Wildcat brought her there after the little altercation with the street punks. The feline former villain had an ice pack placed on her head where one punk hit her with a baseball bat.

'There's really no need for this…' Cheetah insisted as Wildcat, real name Ted Grant, packed up his first aid kit. 'I feel fine, honest.'

'Not after a blow like that, you ain't.' Ted shook his head. 'You got a number I can call? Y'know, let Wondy know what happened to ya.'

'Nobody's home.' Cheetah shook her head. 'Diana's out looking for the Joker and Donna, that's her sister, is in Steel City with Titans East.'

'I guess there's only one thing for it then…' Ted sighed. 'Yer gonna have to stay here.'

'I don't want to impose…' Cheetah began.

'Impose nothing…' Ted insisted. 'You can sleep in my bed, I don't mind the couch.'

'You know, I wish there could be some way I could repay you…' Cheetah sighed. 'I feel like such a jerk taking advantage of you like this, eating your food, drinking your water…'

'I'm just glad fer the company.' Ted shrugged. 'Other than the odd visitor from the gym below, I don't get many guests.'

'No wife or kids?' Cheetah asked.

'Not any more…' Ted sighed heavily. 'They're dead now. Got shot by street punks a couple years back…'

'Oh, I'm so sorry…' Cheetah apologised 'I didn't know…'

'S'all right.' Ted shrugged. 'You weren't to know.'

Cheetah slowly got up from the couch and took Ted's hand in hers.

'This is just my way of saying thank you…' Cheetah said as she gently placed a kiss on her saviour's cheek. 'Night…'

Ted just blinked in surprise and put his hand on his cheek where Cheetah had just kissed him.

'Uhh yeah… 'Night.' Ted mumbled. 'Seeya in the mornin'…'

TBC…

Next: The Indigo Project

Diana gets another houseguest as Donna and Cheetah befriend a runaway android. Unfortunately, the android also has Cadmus agents hot on her heels…