Chapter 3

Jacob's point of view

Three weeks since Nessie has been gone…

If it wasn't for Nessie…Kaleb would be dead! He should be dead. I should be the one killing him!

I wanted to kill Kaleb! I wanted to find Nessie! I needed her with me. I had to know she was going to be okay. Even if it was long enough to reject me again.

I knew I was worse off than I was with Bella. I'm angrier, more heartbroken. I don't sleep. I rarely eat. I think I beat Bella when it comes to acting depressed.

I'm scared to sleep at night. I can't. Not without my angel.

Every time I close my eyes, her words come back and haunt me. Her hateful look. How she said she was forced to love me. How she will never love me.

I want to give her what she wants. She can be with whoever she wants to be with. It doesn't matter. I'll do anything to make her happy. I just needed to be near her.

I walked back to my house-which I was rebuilding. My father signed the rights over to me after he saw what I had done. Both him and Rachel were heartbroken at what they say happen to the home. We all shared memories with my mother and Rebecca in that little house. I destroyed all of it because of my anger.

They made me feel guilty. I promised them I would rebuilt the whole thing. Which it did need rebuilding. A good wind storm would have tore it down all the way. They guys help when they could but they sleep. I don't.

I mostly just phase, rebuild the stupid mustang, rebuild a old piece of crap motorbike, and work on the house. I hope juggling all those things would help the pain of loosing Nessie, but I knew it was false hope. Nothing seemed to make me forget the hurricane that came through.

I missed her more than anything. This was the longest time I've ever been away from her. I needed to be near her.

I don't want you… That stays my brain most of the time. It was one of the many things I couldn't get out.

I broke my promise to her except one. I said I wouldn't deny her of anything ever again. I think that's why I haven't went after her. Renesmee's wanted a normal life that didn't include me.

What she wants, she gets.

I want to kill Kaleb! I wanted to destroy everything of his as he destroyed of mine. He took my Renesmee away from me!

But was it completely his fault? Was it mine, too?

I let it slip that Kaleb was going to win Nessie. I didn't know she was. But I've lost her. It's her choice. But this time I think I'm going to loose. Nessie could be happy with Kaleb or whoever it is she wants to be with. And I would be the best friend who sat back envious.

If I'm that lucky.

But that doesn't mean I won't fight for her. I would, and I will.

Choice… Kaleb said I never gave Renesmee a choice. I thought I did? I told her if she didn't want to love me, I wouldn't force her.

But I guess I did.

I knew Nessie was wrong. I love her. It wasn't the imprint that makes me be so stupid around her because of how she lights up a room. I would fall in love with her like everybody else has. She has the perfect…everything about her to make people love her.

People don't think I would fight for her, but with all that is going around in my mind, I need too. If I was going to loose, I'd rather say that I died trying.

I pulled myself out from underneath the old mustang. What else can I do?

Funny how history repeats itself. I fall in love then get burned. But with Nessie, I would take the burn over again. She was worth it.

I remembered a vague memory of my mother. I remember when I was young I followed her into the kitchen. She was cooking something and I was so intrigued by the fire. I reached up to touch it, but my mother pushed my hand away and told me that it would hurt. That I would get burned.

After she left the kitchen, I stayed in there. I looked around to see if she was near. When I realized she was doing something for my sisters, I reached my hand up to touch the fire. Once my hand got to the flame, I instantly pulled it back and screamed.

My mother rushed in to see what happen and realized I got burned. She scooped me up, hugged me, told me that I was wrong, and I never touched the fire again.

Nessie was like that. One wrong touch and you'd get burned. But I'd take the burn again and again. I couldn't learn. It was like I loved this pain a little to much. Like I loved my heart to be busted up. There was something about Nessie that kept me loving her, and without the imprint. I just can't walk away.

Kaleb was just an obstacle in my way.

I thought he was trust worthy. I could see he was good at taking charge when I couldn't be there. That's why I chose him as my Beta. I could trust him. Or so I thought I could.

Isn't it amazing how time can change everything?

Why does Kaleb love Renesmee? My imprint! She was supposed to be mine and only mine. The others only look at her as family. They guys look at her as a sister as I did with Emily, or Kim, or any other the other imprints. We don't try and steal each other's soul mates. We can't hurt a brother like that? Why is it different for him? This wasn't even a love triangle! It was more like he was jealous of what I had and wanted to take it for himself.

I think.

Maybe I could go against Nessie's whishes and find her. The Cullens talk to her. They might know where she's at. She might even be living with them..

But I say I know her better than anybody and she wanted this…

If you love someone, set them free. They'll come back if they were truly yours.

I dropped the wrench to the ground, starring at the jumbled mess underneath the car. I was torn. Nessie told me to stay out of her life and so far I have. But its taking a toll on my being able to go by everyday life. All of this is taking a toll on my leadership to the pack.

I'm lifeless without her.

I could handle not sleeping and not eating. I can even handle the tension between the pack. That can all be swiped away with one little command. I will even go as far as Kaleb loving Nessie! Sort of.

But I can't handle her staying away from me.

I was close to having her made mine forever, but she didn't want to have a forever with me. I would go back and redo everything just to have her with me. I would take it slower. I would let her have the guy of her choice. I would say more. I would do more.

Why didn't Nessie tell me she had feelings for Kaleb? She couldn't trust me? She didn't want to tell me that she will never love me again? What made her break down and tell me the day we were suppose to be getting married? I need answers!

I got out from underneath the mustang and went to my phone. I dialed Nessie's number. I needed her to answer one question then I will let her go back to her own life. She can do whatever she wanted to do after that.

"Hello?" I head Nessie ask. Her voice was so beautiful. It sounded like bells. It almost sent me to my knees.

"Ness, I-"

"Gotcha. Sorry, can't get to the phone right now. Leave a message; and if it's important enough, I might call you back. You know what to do." her voicemail told me.

I waited till the beep. I needed to leave her a message this time. I just need to get control my anger first.

"Wonderful! I got your voicemail, Renesmee. My message is important so it might be best if you call back." I growled. Get a grip, Jake! "I was just wondering…if you say you don't love me, that you don't want me, why didn't you just let the venom kill me. It would have saved us the heartbreak." I snarled then hung up.

Okay…that wasn't the best route to take. Maybe I should have calmed down before calling instead of after.

But what I said was a truth. She could have left the venom inside me, destroying me bit by bit. She would be able to spend the rest of her life with whoever she pleases to be with. She would have only saved my life once.

I kicked the large, standing-up tool box that kept probably a quarter of my tools to the ground. Everything scattered to the ground along with the bent mettle. There goes that Christmas gift.

No, Jake, you can't get angry. Not angry at Nessie. She didn't do anything for me to destroy all of this.

But she left-No. I wasn't going to blame her. It was Kaleb's fault for stealing something that wasn't his. It was my fault because I was oblivious to it all. I didn't see the signs Nessie was trying to hide. I didn't follow my gut and press a certain subject when I had a feeling something was going on. I forced Nessie into doing something she didn't want to do. I forced her to love me.

I never gave her a choice.

I slid down against the wall. I didn't care who called me weak; but I'm heartbroken. Nessie left me a lifeless man to be truthful. And hearing that she also loved Kaleb added to the pain. But what made it worse was that Rensemee felt like she couldn't trust me enough to tell me the truth.

I would listen to her right? I would take it sort of okay. I think. But I knew we would eventually be back to here. Kaleb was right. She was just to nice to hurt my feelings.

I missed her. I needed to hear her voice and know that she was okay. I would be fine with that. No the pain wouldn't leave, but I knew if I saw her happy, it would go away.

I'd do anything for her. I'd give anything just to make her smile.

I sat there, letting my mind wander. I hoped since I didn't sleep I would be able to stay busy and not think of Nessie. As you can see, it doesn't work. She's tattooed into my heart and branded into my brain.

I started walking back to the house. It kinda look unrecognizable with the work I was doing. Its bigger. The painting isn't the barn red color, but now a new tan color. Rachel's job. Not mine.

I've got to admit, it stung that Paul wouldn't allow Rachel to bring my nephew over so I could see him. I mean, eventually he'll have to hang around his crazy Uncle Jake. The kid's bound to phase.

But I couldn't blame Paul for wanting to protect his wife and son. I could loose it and hurt her. Then Paul would be forced to kill me. But I wouldn't. I couldn't hurt Rachel. She's my sister. I wouldn't hurt Paul like that and take away the reason he breathes like Kaleb did. He knew it too.

But Paul was still worried.

I walked through the door. Probably this was third priority. My first being Nessie, second being the pack, third this.

I had to get it done so it just shut up Billy and Rachel. Who knows, I might call Esme to design the inside then sell it. Or somebody would move in. I'd take the money I'd get off the mustang, the bike, and the house and go somewhere where there was no memories of Renesmee.

I can't get that lucky.

I started to get to work. I can take my anger out as I'm working. I can't do that with the Mustang. I'd have to re-rebuild the whole thing again.

Everybody says I'm worse than I was being without Nessie on Christmas. They say I'm even worse than depressed.

I'd take depression any day than the pain I have now.

Maybe I do need to sleep.

I found myself nodded off as I was putting up sheetrock. I must be desperate. I'm falling asleep standing up.

But I need to stay awake. I don't heal as fast as I used to.

I don't think I'll ever forget bring Carlisle's guinea pig. And come to find out one of Taha Aki's wolves were bitten by a leach. The down side was is that he didn't have a chance to live. I'm the only alpha bit and the only wolf to ever live after a venom bit.

Stranger things can happen, right.

Carlisle went off on as much as we knew about the tribal stories and then the testing begun. Nessie made me sit there while Carlisle took blood and observed how different I was. She made me rest with the help of Jasper and Roxanne's gift put together.

What Carlisle came up with was simple. I would snap a lot easier, my brain wouldn't be able to hold the world on my shoulders without snapping, and my accelerated healing kicked in extremely high when I was bit so it would a little slow the next time I was injured.

Renesmee explained-dummied it out mostly-that the venom was already in my heart. I was already dead by the time the last drop of venom was sucked out of me. She saved me last minute. But Carlisle said once after Nessie was brought away from me, my heart started beating. It was like I was fighting to be with her.

She also dummied it down that the venom slowly ate away at everything. If I ever got bit again, which I hoped I didn't, it would destroy what was rest of me with a lesser chance of survival.

I also had a question on how Nessie was able to suck the venom out of my system without turning into a full vampire herself. Carlisle's answer was simple: Nessie was half vampire. The venom never got in her blood stream. My blood was just like her drinking an animal. Just to her, mine was disgusting.

But here's the stupid thing to think about. And maybe a little crazy too. But I'd rather have the venom coursing through my veins killing me, than have to do any longer without Renesmee.

I dropped whatever tool I had in my hand. I didn't know what it was. I was too tired to care what it was. I needed sleep. I haven't had a clear head since…I can't remember when.

Okay Jake. Nessie wanted this. You said you would give her whatever she wanted. You're strong. You can handle this. You've waited seventeen (or was it eighteen?) years for her, you can wait longer.

God! I'm going nuts!

I can handle one or two hours of sleep, can't I? I'm so exhausted that I might not even have a single memory of Renesmee. (I wish.) Sleep will clear my head. I can think better. I won't have to worry about chopping my arm off. I don't think the quick healing will regenerate my arm. Yeah…that won't be a pretty sight.

I slid against the wall to the ground, letting myself drop with a thud. I don't know what I was going to do. Do I go and track Nessie down? Do I demand to know why she left? Do I tell her that she's a liar and she's lying to herself? Do I tell her how bad she's left me heartbroken? That I missed her. That she was more than just a lover. She was my best friend? She understood everything. She saved me from doing several things I would regret later. Could I handle her slamming the door in my face as she shouted what she said was true?

Or do I just give her what she wanted and live the rest of my life alone?

Why did Kaleb have to play with fate? Couldn't he understand that Nessie wasn't his to begin with? Why did he have to choose to take away something important from me? Couldn't he just went ahead and bothered somebody else?

I suck when it comes to keeping a women.

After a while I started to nod off. Good. I wanted to escape this hell of a world. Maybe the dreaming world would be a lot better.

I dreamed I was running as fast as I could to First Beach. I was worried that I would be to late that Kaleb or the Volturi had gotten to her first.

I saw her standing in front of me. She's became even more beautiful, or I could be because I craved to see her.

But something else changed about her. I couldn't understand what it was but I knew something was going on with her that she wouldn't tell me.

"What's wrong?" I asked, walking up to her.

Nessie shook her head, not looking at me but simply took a step away from me. I reached out towards her but she shied away from it as if I would hurt her.

I tried to touch her again but she back away. Her eyes were filled with fright. "Ness, I'm not going to hurt you." I tried to reassure her but she didn't say anything. It was as if her voice was taken away. Or she chose not to bother talking to me.

"If you're not going to talk to me, at least project to me what you're going to say." I begged.

"I've come to say good-bye." she showed me. At least I got something.

"What's new?" I snapped. Nessie projected to me that she didn't understand.

"Your good-byes. You've said so many to me that I don't know what's true and what's not. What? Did you and Kaleb finally elope? Now you want my permission for him to have a few weeks off so he can go to Africa with you as we planned?"

"That is none of your business where I go and whom I am with!" Nessie accused. Her voice was so beautiful that it almost sent me to my knees.

"Maybe I'll go to Volterra!" she shouted with as much venom as she could get.

"You know you love me. You don't love just him. You know deep down in your heart that you love me. That we're connected." I blurted, finally grabbing her by the elbow and bringing her close to me. My touch looked painful for her as much as me touching her was but I pushed it to the back of my mind.

"Nessie!" we heard Kaleb shout as he rushed up to us, but it looked like Nessie didn't care. She only stared at my eyes with a blank expression.

"I've got to go." she whispered but I wouldn't let her go.

"No." I growled, shaking her in anger. "You won't leave. You're mine. I was the one that imprinted on you. Not Kaleb."

Nessie whimpered in pain and looked down to where my hands were gripping her arms. "Jake, you're hurting me. Let me go." she begged.

"If I let you go then you would leave and I would loose you for good." I said then crashed my lips onto hers. She pushed me away but still had the painful look in her eyes.

"Jake. When I said I didn't want you. I meant it. I choose Kaleb, Jake. And there is nothing you can do to change my decision. You've had your chance and you blew it." Nessie said as she went into Kaleb's waiting arms and kissed his lips.

"She's mine now." Kaleb said with a smirk.

I dreamed they disappeared and I was now alone. I kept hearing the conversation Nessie and I had the day she left. Well, what she was yelling at me. I just stood there and let her leave. But Nessie was right. I had my chance and I let it go through my hands as quick as Nessie left.

Kaleb was able to have the opportunity to give the choice she wanted. He would make her happy as much as I had. Maybe better-No. Nessie was mine! I imprinted on her for a reason. I haven't figured out why me and her always have to fight to stay together; but I knew there had to be a reason. It didn't matter if she hated me right now. We would eventually get past this and maybe she would be tolerant of me.

The conversation kept playing over and over in my head like I had a song on repeat. It was painful. The noise and the fact that I had to hear her say those things to me over was painful.

I dropped to my knees and covered my ears with my hands. I couldn't handle listening to that conversation anymore. I can't take it!

Kaleb's voice popped up in my head "I'm not ties down to the pack. You are. I can make her happy…"

He could. But was I going to give up that easy.

I woke up with a start. God! Why am I the one gifted with horrible dreams? Why can't I just have one dreamless sleep? Or better yet, why did I go to sleep in the first place?

I noticed I slept for ten minutes. Its nothing if it wasn't the longest ten minutes of your life.

Kaleb said he was going to fight for her. I was too no matter if I won or lost. No matter what Nessie tried to tell me.

Note to self: don't go back to sleep!

I kept thinking in I didn't jump in and save Kaleb, we wouldn't be in this mess. I would have Nessie and he would be six foot under. But the type of leader I am, I had to be Superman and save his careless butt. If I didn't I would feel guilty that I didn't do anything to save him. Kyle and Kierra would loose a brother and it would hurt Nessie.

Sometimes I hate being the nice guy.

"Jake!" I heard Quil shout from the garage. Great. Visitors.

"Yeah?" I shouted back, not bothering to move. Even after a ten minute nap, I was wide awake.

"Hey, man." he answered, appearing in the doorway. I didn't greet him back.

"So how did the conversation with Kabe go?" Quil asked.

I rolled my eyes in disgust and got up, continuing the work that I started on. He joined in shortly after so I guess he wasn't going to leave anytime soon.

"Didn't I just order the whole pack to mind their own business?" I growled, glaring at my friend.

"Don't you realize that we can hear each other's thoughts whether you tell us to mind our own business or not. We can still see-and let's not forget feel everything that you and Kaleb see and feel." Quil asked as the subject we were on was the weather.

I didn't answer. I wasn't up for a conversation of any type; but Quil had a point. I was going through this pain and heartbreak and I had to drag my pack through it too.

Before when it was the Bella, Edward, and I love triangle, I didn't care if I dragged everybody through this me. I wanted too. I wanted the pack to hate the Cullens. I wanted to try and get Bella to hate them so I could have her for myself. I only wanted something I couldn't have. Now I'm the leader. I've got people I have to protect.. Not only my pack members, but their families. I have the whole Quileute reservation and the city of Forks to keep safe.

I thought about what would happen if Bella admitted her that she wanted me instead of Edward. The old me would be ecstatic. I could love her-not as much as I love Nessie, but she wouldn't have been in the picture. Edward said that if Bella wanted me, he would let her go. He wouldn't be happy and probably live the rest of his eternity regretting, but as long as she was happy he would be okay.

That's how I would be with Nessie. If I saw her happy, I would be okay. I would let her go if she truly asked me too. It's painful but I have to suck it up.

But saying it and doing it is two different things.

"We still haven't picked up any leads on Marcello. You think he's coming back?"

"Probably not." was all I said.

"Have you called the Cullens?" he asked.

I winced at the name. I was too chicken to call them. I couldn't face up to the fact that I could be the reason why she left. It would be to much to handle.

"Nope." I answered.

"Why?" Why does everybody have to be so freaking nosy?

"Do you have to be so nosy? So what if I don't call them? As long as the leech isn't killing on the reservation, starting a war with the Cullens, or if he isn't hurting Renesmee, I don't care where he is." I snapped, which is a lot for me to say. Quil just shrugged.

"What if he is?" he shrugged, not looking at me as he continued to work. I thought he was suppose to be "helping."

"You know what, Quil, you're a big help. I barely have to tell you to mind your own business. You can see clearly that I don't want to talk about it." I said in a cold sarcastic tone. Quil just smiled but didn't say anything.

It hit me he was talking about Renesmee, "You think the bloodsucker got to Nessie?" I asked.

"You never know."

I rushed and grabbed my phone-even though I knew it was useless. I stared at her number on my phone in a frozen state. What if she heard my voicemail and now she thinks I hate her? She told me to stay out of her life! She pulled the imprint card and I'm forced to do what she asked. She won't pick up.

"You gonna call?" Quil asked.

I looked at her number again. "It's no use. She won't pick up." I stated.

"You won't know if you don't try-"

"I've tried God knows how many times but she won't answer!" I snarled, turning around to glare at him.

I shoved my phone back in my pocket angrily. I give up!

But I couldn't. Even if Nessie had nothing to do with me we still had a connection that ran so deep it was indescribable. It was more than Kaleb would ever dream of having with Nessie.

I hit the wall in frustration. What kind of love triangle is this? It's a screwed up one! Kaleb didn't have a close relationship with Nessie! How can he be in love with her?!

"She's not picking up with me either." Quil said, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Figures." I mumbled.

"I think you jinxed yourself, bro." Quil laughed.

I laid my head against the wall. I was miserable and he was laughing?

"Please tell me, Quil, give me some of your wisdom. How did I get myself into a stupid, idiotic, no reason for this love triangle? Please tell me how did I loose my best friend who made me happy to a idiot who sleeps with any women he pleases?!" I asked in a sarcastic tone as I kept balling up my hands into fist and releasing them. I swear if he says the wrong thing…

"I think you got yourself into this triangle because you said-and quote: "I'm never getting into a useless triangle." he answered, mocking my tone of voice.

He safe. For now at least.

"I didn't say it exactly like that." I said in my defense.

"Close enough." he shrugged, "Now onto question two…"

He seemed hesitant to answer and I winced. To be honest, I was afraid of what he would say but I needed to know. What did I do wrong?

I think this through everyday. What did I do for Nessie to do this? To leave me? Did I tell her she was beautiful enough? Did I not tell her that I loved her enough? What did I leave unspoken? What could I change so that Renesmee could answer her stupid phone when I called?

"I think you screwed up big time when you hid from her for two weeks. That and you didn't follow your gut when you had your suspicions." Quil answered after a while of hesitation.

My mind instantly went back to the time I lost it, The first time.

Paul said something I didn't like-and at the time I was still a little nuts. I remember grabbing Paul by the throat and started shouting in his face. Pretty soon Nessie was in the middle, attempting to calm me down. All of a sudden I phased with Nessie inches away from me.

Sam was there in an instant, pushing Nessie out of the way. He was able to take the blunt of what would make Nessie bleed.

I felt horrible for what I did. I almost hurt my Renesmee! I let my anger get in the way and she would pay for it like always.

Despite everybody crowding around Nessie and screaming at me, It seemed her face stood out the most. She wasn't scared. She wasn't crying or shouting that she hated me. It looked like she wanted to tell me something but I took okk like a coward.

Bella and Edward kicked me out. I was angry because I thought they were trying to keep me away from Nessie. I tried to attack them but Nessie got in the way again. This time she did look scared; and I was shameful. I promised that I would never do that to her but I almost did.

I hid from her for two weeks. I was afraid of what she would say to me. I would beat my own self up. I thought I was getting better-back to normal at least-but it seems I was loosing it more than I already was. And I didn't want Nessie to see that.

One day Kaleb went to me and asked if he could have days off and he would run night patrol. At first I pushed it off as he couldn't get a baby sitter. Then I found out Kierra went to live with Kyle and Leah. I got curious but I never dreamed he was seeing my Renesmee.

I don't really remember when I manned up and went to see Renesmee. Maybe she came to me.

Maybe if I never hid from her, I wouldn't have pushed her to Kaleb. Maybe if I owned up to my mistake she would be with me right now.

I remembered I asked Sam why did he push Nessie out the way. He answered that he didn't want me to go through what he did to Emily. He didn't want Nessie to go what Emily had to go through. He didn't want history repeating itself because he knew it would kill me.

Quil was right. I screwed up big time; and for some reason that set me off.

I spun around and threw Quil against the wall, throwing my fist in his face.

"Jake!" he shouted but I didn't stop.

Tremors rolled through my body, threatening to make me into a wolf. I welcomed it.

I felt somebody yank me off of Quil, throwing me outside.

"Calm down, Jake. You asked, Quil answered. Alpha orders cannot go unobeyed remember?" Paul said as I saw deep worry set in his eyes as he helped Quil-who's face was already healing-up.

But he was right. I asked and got my answer.

I ran to the woods, phasing and let my clothes rip to shreds. I screwed up big time. I did something that made Nessie go to Kaleb instead of me. I can blame Kaleb. I can blame Bella and Edward. I should also blame myself.

I ignored the people in my head. Right now if nobody was dying, I didn't really care what they were saying.

At first I thought I was going to get better. Control my anger. I tried to stay away from something that would make me loose it. I made sure to move with caution to where if I go injured, it wouldn't be a day before it fully healed. I rested…when I was made. Now, I think the work Nessie helped me accomplish is now ruined. I think I'm back to ground zero.

Maybe I did need to contact the Cullens. I can get Alice to see where Marcello was and get an update on the Italian bloodsuckers. I could get them to help me finish the house so I can shut everybody up. I can see where Renesmee is and what she's doing.

I went back on Kaleb's conversation with Nessie. She seemed upset that I found out but that didn't mean anything. She could have been upset that she was caught. Maybe she still loved me. Maybe she didn't. I would never know unless I knew deep down in my heart that she was telling me the truth. Who would make her happy.

I realized I made it to the grassy field that was where we spent most of out time together. Those memories are branded into my mind. How can I forget her? She was my world and now I have that ripped from me. I didn't care if Nessie wanted a romantic relationship with me or not. She was mine anyway.

But would she come back?