Chapter 4
Nessie's point of view
I replayed Jacob's voicemail over and over. All I could say is Kaleb's point of view about Jake didn't do him justice. He was miserable and with me gone he was going to get worse.
"Wonderful! I got your voicemail, Renesmee. My message is important so it might be best if you call back." he growled, "I was just wondering…if you say you don't love me, that you don't want me, why didn't you just let the venom kill me. It would have saved us the heartbreak."
The End.
I think what Jacob really wanted to know was why I let him live. He would rather die than live through the pain of him being without me. He wanted to know why I let him live when I yelled all those horrible things to him.
The thing though is that I still love Jacob. But I also love Kaleb. I can't make up my mind on who I want. I'm afraid I'll make the wrong decision and hurt all three of us. Although I think I have.
So instead of hurting all of them I'll choose neither. It's safer for all of us. If the Volturi come, they won't go after Jake or Kaleb. I'll hurt both of them but I can't let them get killed.
But the problem was I didn't want to give both of them up. I want Jacob and I want Kaleb. I love them and want them both.
I haven't been outside since last night. I felt horrible. My body ached along with my sides. Oh how I wish I had Uncle Jasper's calmness right now. I wanted my grandmother's hugs. My mother's kiss. I wish I had Emmett's go with the flow attitude. I wish I had my father's advice. I wish I had my grandfather to ask what was wrong with me. Why does my whole body hurt? Why do I spend half of my days with my head in the toilet? Why me?
I've never got the answer in my whole life so why start now?
Despite my attempts of trying to forget the connection with Jacob, it was still there. What he felt, I felt. And the same way for him. I knew that he would let me go-or at least understand-if he saw me happy. He wanted me safe and happy. The problem was is that I wasn't safe, but I'm trying to be happy.
I had a connection with Kaleb but it wasn't as strong as Jacob's-No. I was not going to get on my knees and beg Jake to take me back only when I was going to hurt him again.
I ran my hands through my hair in aggravation. Why can't I make up my stupid mind about what man do I love more?! Or…I don't have to have some stupid guy! There drama anyway!
I grabbed the bedside lamp and threw it across the room. It shattered to the floor.
You know what! Why don't I just go to Volterra?! I'm sure Aro, Caius, and Marcus would love to have me!
Jacob's voice sounded cold in the voicemail. I wonder how he was in person. Probably even worse, knowing him. He probably wants to kill Kaleb, but the only reason he's kept him alive was because he was a pack brother and he didn't want to hurt me. Jake would never hurt me. That's probably why Kaleb is not dead.
I started walking around. What else was there that I could do? I didn't feel like putting a smile on my face and pretend everything was okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay.
I wondered into the kitchen, my stomach growling. I opened the fridge to get eggs but realized I didn't have any. Great. I guess I'll settle on a roast beef sandwich. As I made my quick meal and started nibbling on it, I read the paper. Pretty lame but I didn't have anything else to do.
There were three deaths in just two and a half weeks. One of them was obviously a vampire because of the no evidence, no DNA, and gun shot or stab wound. I wondered if it was bad enough to get the Volturi involved. Our number one law was to keep our secret. What if they get word of this and decide to do something about it? What if this vampire made a habit of making his feedings known?
Don't freak, Nessie. Maybe this one vampire was just in a rush or he was a newborn with nobody to teach him. I hope so.
The other two murders sounded new to me. Bodies ripped open, blood everywhere, organs and other human insides scattered around, and limbs almost detached, eyes open wide with terror-
Okay. Too much for my already weak stomach.
I dropped my food and covered my mouth with my hands. Please, God, please no! I ran to the bathroom, almost not making it. The remains of whatever in my stomach came up.
I hate this!
After flushing the toilet and getting rid of the horrible taste in my mouth, I went back up to the kitchen to clean up the mess I made. The one of many.
As I stepped in, the queasiness kicked back in. I walked around checking to see where the smell came from but could never find anything. Maybe a hunting trip will make me feel better.
After I cleaned everything up, completely giving up on eating, I plopped on the couch bored. I had no clue what to do.
I stared up at the ceiling for the longest, comfortable in my frozen state. I was brought out of it by phone ringing from my bedroom. I automatically ran to it, answering.
"Hello?" I asked without looking to see who it was.
"Nessie?" I heard Abby's voice say over the phone. Crap.
"It's me." I said in a high pitched voice, propping up against the bed.
"Oh my God! We miss you! Why haven't you talked to us? I called your family but they said they haven't spoken to you since Bella and Edward's anniversary. Ness, why haven't you answered any of our calls? Especially Jake's! Seth said you picked up on Kaleb's but you-"
"Look, if you're going to snap at me, don't bother. I don't need it from you." I snapped, cutting her off.
"I'm just trying to get answers. We all are." Abby said. I could hear it clearly that I had hurt her. She wasn't trying to hide it.
"It's none of your business. I called you and told you the week before I left and gave you your answers." I didn't know why I was so angry but what Abby said just struck the wrong nerve.
I took a deep breath to calm down. Abby was just worried and when she gets worried she rambles.
"I'm sorry. Bad month." I said, lying on the bed.
"It's okay." she answered.
"So…how's Seth and you coming along? You should be leaving for collage pretty soon, huh?" I asked, hoping that would change the subject off of me.
"We're…I really don't know."
"You don't know?" She took the bait! THANK YOU!
"There's…" Abby stopped short.
"What?"
"Don't take it the wrong way; but a civil war is going on between the guys. Half of them are siding with Jake but a few new ones are with Kaleb. The tension is running high between all of them. It's even worse with Jake phasing-I'm saying too much, aren't I?" Abby asked.
She wasn't. I was curious. I knew this was about me but something inside me made me want to know more.
"No, go on." I said nonchalantly.
"Um…everybody is feeling what Jake feels-which isn't the best." she answered. Abby sounded like she wasn't sure she wanted to tell me this.
"What's Sethey-boy saying about all of this?" I attempted to joke but it seemed like I lost all sense of humor. Plus I didn't want to talk about what I did to Jake. I didn't want to settle back into the guilt ridden hole I've been in.
"Seth's…I don't really know. He won't tell me anything anymore! He thinks he needs to protect me! It's driving me nuts, Nessie! He's driving me nuts! I'm starting to get the "I choose me" fever."
"The what?" I'm confused but I had a feeling it was something with me leaving.
"Our relationship isn't going great. Maybe if we take a break it'll make things better." Abby answered. I couldn't let my friend make the same mistake I did. She wouldn't be able to handle the pain I go through everyday.
"No! Abby, you can't. It will kill Seth!" I shouted almost too quickly for her human ears to hear.
"But you did it with Jacob. Yeah it's killing him but you seem alright."
I wasn't alright. I was far from the word alright. I just couldn't let her know that.
"You don't have two short tempered wolves fighting over you. You don't have vampires wanting to kill you! You didn't shut out you whole family because all of a sudden you're angry! You're not the one who is going through something that you don't know or can't explain!" I shouted, my breathing getting hard. Abby wouldn't understand. Nobody would.
"Ness? What's wrong?" Abby asked.
"What makes you think something's wrong?" I snapped a little too quickly. What was wrong with me?
"You seem tense. Like you're mad at the world." she answered like she was trying to figure it out herself.
"Nothing's wrong. I just need to make a hunting trip." I said as if it was nothing.
"You know, it'd probably be better if we could get together." Abby said, making a hint. What is it with people wanting to know where I was at?
"Yeah. I'll come back over to the states and we can go get coffee." I said sarcastically.
"So you're not in the states?"
"I'm not even on the same continent as you are."
"So where are you?"
I growled. "That's none of your business." I accused.
"I am just wondering. Nessie, I'm worried about you. We're all worried about you. Whether you like it or not, Jake feels whatever you feel. And I'm sure it is the same thing with you too." Abby snapped and I stayed quiet.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"Good. Me neither. I kind of want to keep my half human half vampire friend." she joked.
"You're so human." I mock accused.
"You're so vampire. You never have fun!" my friend laughed.
"I do have fun."
"Okay, hanging with us isn't having fun."
"Hunting is." I argued.
"See what I mean about too much vampire?"
I always like talking with Abby. We can talk about one touchy subject then the next we're laughing at something carefree and totally random. I needed that.
"Okay, I have had fun where I'm at. Sorta." I laughed.
"Spill." Abby sounded excited but I couldn't tell if it was real or fake. I don't really care.
I told her about the parties I've been to. The people I've met, Henry, my apartment. I just left out how I feel now and where my location was at.
"It must be nice to be rich and have all the money in the world." Abby joked.
We talked until it was nightfall over here and the sun was probably coming up over there. Talking to one of my closest friends felt good. But I knew it wouldn't be able to stay that way. It would seem wrong to talk to everybody except Jake. I would hurt him even worse.
I was alone again. Alone and left only let my thoughts wonder and roam. That's when the guilt set in. That's when I ponder on who I will choose. I have three choices on my table: Jake, Kaleb, or me. Do I want all three? Can I have all three? Do I have to choose?
I couldn't stay in this apartment. I had to get out of here. I needed fresh air. I don't care if it was just for a walk but I had to go.
I put on a pair of flats and ran out the door. It's London! I'm bound to find something.
I walked out into the streets, just roaming around. At first London was fun, but now my heart just wasn't into it anymore.
"Vanessa!" I heard someone shout.
I winced at the voice. Henry.
I turned around to see him running up to me. I tried to put on a smile to make him think that I was okay. "Hey." I greeted.
"I was just on my way to see you. Are you okay? You look kind of pale." Henry said, worried.
I wanted to go into hysterics right there. Of course I would be. I'm part freaking vampire!
I noticed his hand reached to take mine but I gently moved it, pretending to move a curl behind my ear.
I've been extremely careful when coming to contact with humans that don't know my secret. I run a temperature of one-hundred five degrees, running a few degrees below the wolves who run around one-hundred eight degrees. If he touched me, he would think I would need to go to the hospital.
"Perfect." I was far from perfect.
"Really? Are you sure?" Henry reached his hand up to my forehead. I tried to shy away but his fingers grazed my head before I could.
"You're burning up!" Henry exclaimed as he attempted to get a better feel of my skin.
I rolled my eyes. I wasn't worried about the temperature; but the burning flame in my throat ignited along with the queasy feeling of just thinking about blood. He shouldn't worry about me. He should worry about how close his arms get to my mouth.
To keep my self control-and to keep me from throwing up again-I took at step back. Maybe it was time for me to leave.
"I'm fine." I insisted. "My apartment felt stuffy so I decided to get some fresh air."
"I don't think you are okay. I think I need to take you to the hospital." Henry kept telling
me.
"I said I was fine!" I growled and not so human either.
Henry took a step back with his hands up as if he was showing a wild animal that he was no harm. Maybe I truly was a dangerous, wild animal. I felt like it.
"Do you want to talk about whatever is going on?" he asked.
I scoffed. I couldn't talk to him fully. If I told him everything, he would say I would defiantly need to be in the hospital. The physic ward maybe.
But maybe talking about it to somebody who doesn't know the whole story and the true danger I was in would help? "I'm sure you don't want to hear about my crazy sob story. It's a real soap opera." I said a little calmer.
"What type? Is it a classic Romeo & Juliet? Pride and Prejudice?"
"Not technically. Maybe a little of the first but a lot more twisted up." I laughed.
We started walking then. Trust me; I never had any romantic feelings for the human I was walking beside. Maybe once he saw how whacked up my life was, he would rethink his feelings for me. A werewolf and a vampire were weird enough.
Oh, that's right. I forgot that a human fell in love with a vampire. Hard to forget that.
But maybe a human was what I needed. I can go without hunting for a while, and if I did have to hunt, I would sneak out and be back before he would even notice I was missing. We could have human children with one quarter vampire. I would have the whole suburban life style. A house with neighbors at both sides, have a career or be a stay at home mom. My normal husband would sell insurance. He would come home, kiss me and tell me that he missed me. It would be simple as that with no complications.
But my mother's relationship with my father was far from easy when she was human. It still isn't easy even when now she was full vampire.
I'm doomed.
"I want to apologize for last night. It was incredibly wrong and ungentlemen like. I should have never let you walk home." Henry said, attempting again to take my hand but I kept them stuffed in my short blue jean skirt.
"Believe me, I was perfectly safe." From any human doing harm. A vampire is another story.
"But haven't you heard about the three recent murders? I can't believe a human would do that. The last two at least."
"Mhm-hmm." I murmured, looking off into another direction. I wanted to say that it wasn't a human that did any of those but I kept my mouth shut.
"Henry, my apartment was only a few blocks away from where we were at. I'm tough. I'm stronger than you think I am." I said with a sly smile.
"I've only known you for a few weeks and I think you've surprised me enough already."
What Henry said sparked my curiosity. Haven't I been careful? Does he suspect that something was off with me in a non human way? Are my chances of leaving London on the next flight I could get greater? Does he know what I really am?
"How have I surprised you?" I asked. I had to control the urge to project my thoughts to hum. It was driving me crazy.
"It's just…you seem like you've had something bothering you. I know you're special." Oh I've had a lot bothering me.
"I guess you picked up on the fake smile."
"With your beauty, it was only more attractive."
I had to tell him I wanted to just be friends. That every time I'm in a relationship with someone, they get hurt. And everyone around me does too.
"Thanks?" That didn't come out as "Oh I think you're great and all but I only want to be friends."
"So. Did you have a horrible childhood or something?" Henry asked as we sat down on a park bench.
"No. I actually had a perfect childhood." Only despite the fact that I don't look or act my age. I've had vampires after me since I was born. "I've had a wonderful family that spoiled me rotten." I laughed.
"And?"
"I've had amazing friends…" I trailed not sure where this conversation was going.
"But you're not happy." It didn't come out like a question. It was more like Henry guessed how I was really feeling. I wasn't happy. I don't think I would ever be.
"I don't think any place would make me happy." I mumbled, looking down.
"Why?"
Okay. Here goes nothing.
"Did I ever tell you that I was once engaged?" I asked, giving a half-hearted laugh.
"What happen?"
"Love triangle." I simply answered.
"Ah, one of those I see. Why did you say once?"
I took a deep breath. "Jake was my best friend. He was there when I needed him. Then we both realized that we had feelings for each other and we got together. He was madly in love with me and I was pretty crazy about him." I told. Henry didn't say anything so I continued.
"Then Kaleb cam along professing his love to me. I told him I didn't feel the same way. Jake and I got engaged and then I kissed Kaleb." I said as I remembered everything.
I tried to close my eyes to cover the moisture that was covering them. "I think I've had feelings towards Kaleb even before we kissed but that was when I started admitting it to myself."
"So how is this a love triangle if you loved somebody else? You can love more than one than one person." he said.
"That's the thing, though. I love them both very much." I answered as I twirled a ringlet curl around my finger.
"So how did you go from engaged to not engaged?"
"I sort of started to cheat on Jacob as you would say. I never realized how connected I was to both of them until that. I didn't want them fighting. So on the day Jacob and I were suppose to get married I said awful things to him and shoved the ring in his hand. Now here we are." I said lightly.
"Does this Jacob now about your feelings to the other one?"
I nodded.
"What does the other guy think about it?" I laughed when Henry said "the other guy," because that's all Kaleb was. Another guy.
"He wants me to choose him."
"And Jacob?"
"Jake's beyond heartbroken; but I know he'll do and take anything to make me happy." I answered, picking at the hem of my skirt.
"How about if a handsome English man confronted them?" Henry joked with a little tint of pride in his voice.
I laughed again. One human against two extremely tall and strong men that looked like they took steroids? It would be an easy fight. For the werewolves.
"You would be the one getting hurt." I smirked a little.
"I'm stronger than I look." Henry defended.
I am too.
"No, you don't understand. Kaleb and Jake are extremely strong." I said.
"How strong?"
Oh, you would like to know. Now how do I put this without giving away too much?
"Let's just say Jake's seven foot even while Kaleb is five inches shorter. You wouldn't last."
"I bet I could." he thought. "She's probably bluffing."
"So…you ended up in London because you didn't want two tall, grown men fight over you, am I correct?"
"Sorta. Jacob and Kaleb are close. (I couldn't say that they were pack brothers.) I don't want to ruin it even more." Because there was nothing left to ruin. Jacob hates Kaleb. And me. And Kaleb thinks I am going to choose him.
"Jacob would let you go that easily? It doesn't sound like he loves you as much as you say he does." Henry said. He was still trying to picture himself sizing up to Kaleb and Jake.
"He does love me! Jacob would do anything to make me happy! Even if it mean he had to sit back envious while the love of his life is off with another man! You don't know him like I do! Due to my stupidness, I've hurt him! And now he takes it out on everybody!" I yelled as a tear escaped my eyes. I stood up and whirled around, forcing down a snarl.
"I'm sorry," Henry said. "I just meant that I would do what your friend Kaleb is doing." he stood up and walked toward me. I took a step back.
"Or you can forget about them both and stay here with me." he said, reaching towards me.
I shook my head no. "I can't." I whispered.
"Why?"
"Because I don't plan on staying here that long. Like I said: no place is going to make me happy."
I never realized how hard it was to act human until now. Yeah, I've always had human boys drool over me, and girls secretly hate me for taking all the guys attention off of them, my natural beauty, and the men I always had around. But I was so use to using my strength and speed whenever I wanted to, too. To use my projection. It's so hard to speak about all of this and explain my feelings when I could easily show how I feel. Now I know why my family would sometimes make me speak my feelings instead of simply showing them how I felt.
"I could make you happy." Henry said, attempting to use a seductive voice.
I knew I didn't love him. My heartbeat didn't quicken when he was near. My breathing didn't hitch up when he would try and touch me. He didn't make me so mad at him then realize I couldn't live without him. I only saw him as a friend. And if he didn't stop this right this instant, I wouldn't even want that.
"Henry." I warned as I took another step back.
"You can-"
"I know I can love one person at a time. That I don't have to settle down with one of them. Believe me, I know." I snapped.
The urge to snap his neck and quench my thirst was worse how now that his sweet human breath was right in my face. It was only followed by the nauseating feeling I've grown use to.
No. Even if he didn't get the hint I've been flashing like a neon sign, he didn't deserve to die. And I didn't deserve to hide behind a tree and puke whatever else was in my stomach. (Which was nothing.) I've built up the respect to have amazing self control. I can handle this.
Before I knew it, Henry's lips were on mine. Since I was stronger, I pushed him away and punched him right in the sweet spot.
He fell against the bench, knocked out cold.
I gasped at what I done. Maybe I am stronger than I seem. He should have taken my word.
I checked to make sure I didn't kill him. Call me paranoid if you want too. I don't really know my own strength.
After I came to the realization that I only knocked Henry out, I breathed I sigh of relief. Even if he did deserve the punch I couldn't bare the thought of killing a human.
I checked around to see if anyone was around that witnessed any of it. No one. Perfect.
Should I leave him here and just walk away? It won't raise any suspicion, will it? What if he wakes up and has amnesia? I feel really great about that!
Or maybe it might just be best to drop him off at the hospital. He might have brain damage due to blunt force trauma.
Despite everything. I had to think like my family would. I was a Cullen after all. We were the good vampires.
Okay. My family would take Henry to the hospital to make sure he was okay. Then the first chance they would get they would sneak out and get the next plane out of here. They would leave even if there wasn't anybody around. They would obey the law.
But my family didn't make a mess out of their lives. They still have one. I'm just the one that dragged them into it.
I picked up Henry and took the back way to the hospital. My next step was to figure out how I can get him in the hospital. I could drag him in, pretending I couldn't hold his weight up any longer, and say that he fell and hit his head. Nobody would believe him if he woke up and said that a beautiful woman cocked him right in the face and that was all he remembered.
I let my guard down and thought on the one name I swore I would never think of. Jacob. I wished he was here. He would know what to do. Or say just to throw him in the hospital and run. He shouldn't have been the one who put his lips on mine in the first place.
That was my Jacob for you…
Or he was my Jacob. Now he was just the name he has been before I gave that to him.
I took a deep breath and entered the hospital door, pretending I was struggling to hold up the human's weight when I could actually hold it up for weeks.
Now I just need to come up with a quick cover story. Did I mention it has to be QUICK!
"Um…could somebody help me?" I asked in a flawless British voice.
"Miss, what happen?" a nurse asked, rushing over to see Henry's slack body.
"Me and my boyfriend were walking home when he tripped and hit something hard." I lied smoothly. What? It was the best I could come up with. At least I didn't leave him at the exact spot where he "fell."
The hospital staff took over for me then.
I pretend to be the worried, anxious "girlfriend" but I realized the longer I stayed here, the more danger I was in. I am already in enough danger as it is.
I quietly snuck out. I really had no clue what I was going to come next but I knew I wasn't not going to stick around to see.
~~~~~ Forever Ours ~~~~~
I packed quickly-well slowly to be truthful-trying to figure out where was my next destination. Do I go to Spain and stay at Eleazar and Carmen's vacation home? No. Too many bittersweet memories. Do I chance it and go to Italy? Um…no. I'd rather not.
I could head to Egypt. I'm sure Anum would "love" to see my charming face. Maybe I could visit the Irish coven? Or maybe the Amazons. I haven't seen Zafrina since the Volturi Gala. Or maybe I could visit the Denalis again.
Or maybe La-
No. I can't break Jake's heart one time, show up, and then break it all over again when I leave. But I wanted to go back. It was where I belonged, and don't they say home is where the heart is?
Okay. Wrong saying.
How about I woman up and just call my family while I was at it! Yeah. That'd simplify my life a little bit more.
I threw my clothes down on the bed. I give up! Why can't my life be simple?!
I decided I should go hunting. The moon was full so why not enjoy one last night here.
I sped down the streets, keeping away from anybody who would see me.
I stopped short when I smelt a familiar scent.
I saw him in the dark shadows of an alley. He stayed there, knowing I was looking at him. He growled, but I picked up my chin in a determined looked. I was not leaving.
"Allistar." I whispered. I've only seen him once-and that was just at a glimpse. He was a leery witness that vowed not to fight against the Volturi. He left before the conformation between us and them.
He whirled around, only to look at me for a slight glimpse. He wasn't scared to see me like I imagined him to be. We all thought he'd never want anything to do with the Olympic coven or anybody who was close to me.
"Get out of here!" Allistar yelled but it was too late to notice what I saw.
There in front of him was a creature growling, coming straight at us.
They looked like were wolves. I could tell you that; but there front legs were higher than their hind ones, walking in an ape like position. Their scent was all musky and sweaty which smelled horrible to my sensitive noise.
I remembered Grandpa showing me a picture of these mysterious creatures one time. I asked how Jacob and the other wolves differed from what Daddy and the Volturi were talking about. He explained to me that these were Children of the Moon and that the others were shape-shifters. They were a vampire's true natural enemy. They were brutal and ruthless in their killings. Something the wolves I knew would do unless a threat was brought upon their people.
Caius was almost killed by one, so he got the guard to destroy them to nearly extinction. It is against the law to have any interaction with them because they aren't easy to kill. A single one could kill a vampire, while my wolves had to have several of them to destroy just one. Vampires and werewolves were alike in some ways; but when they went into their wolf skin when the moon was full, all human thoughts and memories were gone. My wolves were far more human than that.
Before I knew it, the creature attacked Allistar. After it was finished with him, it would come after me next.
I knew I had to do at least something. Despite Allistar refusing to side with us when it came down to fighting with the Volturi, I had to figure out how to save him.
I ran to the wolf, attempting to use my projection to blind him. I'm no Zafrina but its close.
All of a sudden the two brutal murders I read in the paper came across my mind. It was them! They crave humans as much as a vampire does.
The beast turned its big head to me, snarling. He was confused. He could hear my heartbeat. He could smell the blood flowing through my veins, making its mouth water. But the smell of a vampire through it off.
I was frozen in fear. I shouldn't be. I'm not scared when it comes to the pack. Sometimes.
But they could kill me. Well, the pack could too but that would mean Jake would kill them for harming an imprint.
There was no way I would win if I went up against a creature I didn't even know lived in this area.
I'm screwed big time!