Chapter 7

Jacob's point of view

Sometimes I hate being Alpha. But now I wish I never was a wolf in the first place. The guys have to go through the pain with me, and the pain was affecting my judgment to lead the pack.

I hoped with telling Renesmee that I would get a call from her. What I told Nessie was true. That I would love her no matter what she chooses. If she was happy with Kaleb, I would let her go. Reluctantly; but if it made her happy, I would do it. If she was happy.

But I knew she wasn't. She was probably beating herself up so much right now because she thinks I hate her. She still loves me. The phone call with Kaleb proves it. I was going to wave my white flag. I didn't want no more fighting. For the others sake and for mine.

But I still didn't understand why she'd tell me those things. Maybe I was just telling myself that Renesmee loves me. Maybe I've gone crazy and confused.

I looked at the Cullen mansion door. I didn't know if it was me but it all felt empty. Tomorrow I would go the cottage. If I was brave enough. It'd give me something to do besides what I've been doing. Bella insisted that she come and visit me soon so maybe that'll help a little too. Who am I kidding!

I opened the door slowly, walking slowly through the threshold. Everything seemed weird not having everybody here. The walls were bare. Only a few pieces of furniture left in the living room, and the dinning room was empty. Of course the kitchen was the same as it was when the house had life. No pun intended.

I walked upstairs, walking through every room. It was all bare except for random furniture of a bare bed. I was tempted to plop down and sleep. But I've grown accustomed to not sleeping. I don't think I could sleep. I think I'm the first insomniac wolf.

I finally sucked it up and walked into Nessie's room. It smelled empty like the whole house did.

Her room was Caribbean blue with white trimming. Still to this day I had no clue why she wanted this color when her favorite color was midnight blue.

Only her bare bed and computer desk was there. All the pictures and posters that she had all over the walls were gone. All the papers and books on her desk were gone. Her clothes were gone. It seemed like the Cullens took everything of hers.

Even though I was confused about what was going through Nessie's head, it still hurt that she had all of this was planned. That she planned all the words, the rejecting. It would be as if me and her never happen.

I was so confused! Part of me believed Renesmee for what she told me. Part of me wanted to believe the connection between us. That we were connected no matter what she said. Maybe that's why I'm not acting so crybaby as Nessie thought I would be.

I walked over to the window sill that Nessie would always sit at. I would come through the French door windows and she would smile at me. I would take her in my arms and kiss her. She would wrap her arms around my neck. Being here seemed real. Like we should be doing this right now.

I ran my hands through my hair, realizing that it was getting longer than I intended. I probably look like I've lived in the woods for most of my life. Funny thing was is that I have.

Kaleb caught me by surprise when he asked would I go through the pain of being bit just to have Nessie back. Selfishly I wanted it. I wanted to go out and fight a leech just to have my good drug back. But the thing is, is that I didn't want Nessie to watch me die. I wouldn't want anybody to do that. I've had enough of funerals to last me a while.

I saw in Kaleb's mind that he wanted to be in the same position I was in. He wondered if Nessie would go out of the way to try and save him. I think he still hasn't gotten it though his thick skill that I know Nessie. She would have tried to save him because she loved him. She wouldn't have clung to his body like she did mine. She probably would have realized there was nothing she could do and cried in my arms. She wouldn't have fought to be with Kaleb like she did with me.

Nessie would have tried but it wouldn't be hard enough.

Why can't I just give in, say that Nessie lied to me and believe that she still loves me? I mean that's what Kaleb does so why not?

Could it be because I didn't want to admit that Nessie felt like she couldn't trust me? That she was afraid of what I would do when I found out Kaleb loved Nessie and she felt the same way Yeah, I would be extremely angry and hurt. Probably not as much as I am now, but enough for Nessie to calm me down.

I did mess up when I avoided Nessie like the idiot I am. If I never did that maybe, just maybe, things would turn out differently.

But the big questions was does Nessie love me more than Kaleb? I guess that's up to her to make that decision.

I could make Nessie happy. I did at some point of our relationship. She would also be happy with Kaleb. They would get married, start a family, come down to visit. If Nessie chose Kaleb, I would hope that I could still be her friend. I can live without the romantic relationship but I can't live without her.

I knew Kaleb wanted to fight. My competitive male instinct told me to give the kid what he wanted. The imprinter part of me won over. I would never ever force Nessie to do anything she didn't want to do. I knew I would loose her again. If I ever got her back.

I sound like Edward, don't I?

I banged my head against the glass window. Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why can't my life be boring and normal?

Because being normal is boring and predictable. That's what Nessie would say. Those are two things Nessie is not. Especially predictable. I've given up on the fact that I cannot predict Renesmee. Even if my life depended on it. Which it has.

I wanted to go out and search for her. Get some answers, take her to Jared and Kim's wedding so I'd have somebody to hold me back while I tried to kill Kaleb because he was making moves on her. I would let Kaleb have a shot at saying to Nessie what he won't say.

When I said I didn't hate the idiot, I meant it. He was my brother. I was his Alpha. We were in a pack where we had people's lives on our hands. I couldn't let my hate (and jealousy) towards somebody who loved something precious to me affect the way I run my pack. The guys shouldn't either. We need to focus on the job at hand and that was to protect the people.

That's why I was trying to control my anger. That and if Nessie found out she would be hurt. I got to say, I did slip up a bit but at least I didn't kill him or call him every name I could think of. I was ready to end the civil war and focus on the more important things.

I knew next month Karli will go to UCLA and Embry would follow. Jared and Kim would get married and then Nessie's birthday.

Another pain surged though my chest. I've always been there on her birthday. It was the day she was born! It was day I imprinted on her! Doesn't that mean something?!

Was it bad to say that Nessie was like a drug to me? I could never get enough of her presence. It was intoxicating. And I was going through withdrawals.

Simple enough, right?"

Despite myself, I still wondered what made Nessie leave. I probably already know the answer; but what made her feel that I didn't love her. What did I leave unspoken.

Even though I wanted to get everything settled with my pack, I didn't want to see everybody. I didn't want to talk. The only time I want to is when I'm giving orders when needed. I still have to be Chief of the reservation, remember?

But right now things were slow. Boring. Painfully boring.

Chief…I've been Alpha since before Nessie was born. I was use to it; but I knew what other roles I would have to do after I took on both packs. Before, I had to spend all my time making sure Nessie and everybody else was safe. I would try and do my duty as Chief but sometimes I would slip. Or as Nessie would say, I was trying to play Superman.

Now that I have much more time on my hands, the Elders and Sam helped me find balance with everything with me being screwed up. It's coming along. I'm still not use to being call "Chief." Alpha is another thing. I guess I just have to get use to it. Playing Superman was in my blood. It was hard though to battle my role as Alpha, Chief, and the need to feel like I should hide away. I'm going to have to get used to the fact that I can't hide underneath a rock. People are going to have to get used to the hard, cold look I've been wearing.

"Jake?" I heard my sister say from downstairs. I guess I was to wrapped up in my thoughts to hear her come in. How did she know where I would be?

I didn't answer but I could hear another heartbeat. A smaller, faster one. Rachel probably snuck away from Paul. He probably didn't hear her over his chainsaw snores.

"Jacob Ephraim Black, don't make me drag you down here just so you can see your nephew." Rachel called up.

I growled.

"And don't growl at me either. Now get down here!" she ordered.

I huffed then walked down the stairs, taking my time. My sister tapped her foot impatiently.

"Look Jacob, I know you're practically immortal and have all the time in the world, but I don't. I would extremely be grateful if you could see Will before I'm old and gray." At least somebody has a sense of humor.

I stopped on the last step and stared at her. She looked at me with worried eyes. "Happy? And what happen to Dad and Paul saying it was too dangerous to be near me?" I asked in my usual cold voice.

"I got tired of them keeping me away from my little brother. I'm a married woman with a child. I can make my own decision." she answered. I snorted. "Plus you deserve to see William as everybody else has." Rachel said with a hint of pride when she mentioned her son. Must be a parent thing.

"I'm seen him." I mumbled, leaning against the banister.

"Paul's mind doesn't count." Rachel said, sitting the baby carryall on the white couch. I stayed where I was.

"Yes, it kind of does." I said, rubbing my foot against the star I was standing on, not looking at my older sister. Very mature.

"No, it's not. You'll eventually have to see him because I know he's going to phase." Rachel said. Yeah, eventually he will. He gets it from both sides. He won't be able to get away form it.

"Stranger things have happen." I mumbled. "And I can see him." It wasn't a lie. I could. I could see he had brown eyes with a mixture of both my sister and Paul. Just I wondered if Will would act like Paul.

I shivered at the thought.

"But you haven't held him." she pressed, grabbing my arm to attempt to move me. I flinched away from her touch.

"Please, Jakey Wakey." she begged. I closed my eyes, clenched my fist, and forced down a growl.

"Don't call me that." I said through clenched teeth.

Rachel took a few steps back cautiously. "Sorry." she whispered.

I saw down on the stairs, clenching a fistful of my shaggy, long hair as I put my head in my hands. Calm down, Jake, calm down!

At least she stayed longer than I thought she would. I actually thought she would bolt. Grab her son and go. But she didn't. I think that's why most people could tell that me, her, and Rebecca were related. Not just because we had some few features that could tell them, but because of our stubborn attitude. We don't know the word no.

"Think of Nessie." I heard my sister say.

Another stab with a knife went into my heart. Even if she loves me, it still hurt that she left. That she wanted me to stay out of her life. I give up on knowing her better than anybody. If she comes back, fine. If she doesn't…I haven't figured that out yet.

"I was actually hoping to not have a conversations without a stabbing pain in my chest. I guess I can't always get what I want, now can I?" I said, meaning to have a little humor to it but I came out to col.

I realized Rachel was sitting down next to me with William in her arms. She smiled at him like Paul smiles when he sees her. Like I do when I look at Nessie.

"William, meet you uncle Jake." she handed me William. Well shoved was more like it because I was about to back away.

William was awake and looked up at me. He was probably wondering who was this psychotic man was.

"See? No danger out of it. Besides, practice makes perfect." Rachel joked, nudging my shoulder.

"Practice?"

"For you and Nessie." CALM DONW, JACOB!

"What makes you think that." I said in a strong tone of voice, trying to keep my cool.

"Because you know she's going to come back." she answered. I gave her a look. "Oh come on, Jake, you know she is."

"No I don't."

"Yes you do."

"Then why did she leave? Why did she say all those things to me? Why did she say she hated me That she was forced to love me? That I was just baggage! That my feelings for her were fake! Please explain to, my dear sister, why did that day happen. Because I sure as hell don't know." I yelled then calmed myself. As bad as it seemed, I really didn't want to hurt my nephew.

"Why does Kaleb love her?" I asked out loud but it was meant for me. Plus it came out weakly.

"You know the answers." she answered.

"No, I don't! I'm confused as everybody else is."

"You're not. You say you know Nessie. She's going to put her life on the line just to protect the ones she knows. She thinks she's a danger to you. She might have left because she thought she was hurting you."

I hate to say it but my sister was right. I use to think Renesmee was a self martyr. She's said so many times that she's hurt me. She wanted to leave just she could protect me. She said if she did leave, she would want to find herself. Now I don't even know anymore.

"And as for Kaleb…I think he just wants somebody to love him."

"But I-"

"I know you love Nessie more. You have more right to her than Kaleb does." Rachel said.

I looked down at William who was sleeping. I wonder if his life would be like his uncle Jake's. Crazy. Pure and simple.

"When I decided to brake up with Paul, I felt like he didn't love me for me. I felt like I was forced to love Paul." At first it was weird to hear about my sister and my brother-in-law's love life. But now I could see the similarities.

"I still doesn't make sense though! All the other guys love Nessie as family! Why does Kaleb love her?"

"I guess that's something you and her have to discuss." she said, squeezing my shoulder.

"If she does come back." I muttered.

"Either she'll come back or you'll go see her."

"But I don't know where she's at."

"Yes! You do! You might not know the exact location but you know when you do decide to see her."

I let what she said sink in. Again she was right. About the last part. Eventually I'll break down and find Renesmee. I'll beg her to let me back in her life. She doesn't have to love me. She just had to let me back in her life.

I needed to get off of the topic of Nessie and I. "How's parenthood going?"

"Amazing." my sister said as if she was a kid who was asked about a new toy they got for Christmas

"Should've never asked." I joked with a dry tone.

"Why?"

"Because it's written all over your face." I answered.

"Being a parent is one of the best things in the world. You'll understand one day." Rachel said. I rolled my eyes.

"You know, I went to the grave sight today." Rachel said. I knew what she meant. Where our mother and sister were buried. I haven't went to mom's since I fist phased and I haven't been to Becca's since she was buried. That was two of the many people who didn't deserve to die. My mother died because of a stupid drunk driver, and my sister dies because her brother was off on the other side of the world.

"And…" I pressed.

"You need to go." Rachel said. I didn't answer. I've had enough of death.

"When's the last time you slept?" Was this the Twenty Question Game or something?

"Yesterday?" I mumbled as I nodded off. Was it yesterday? My brain was to foggy to remember.

"Must have not been enough." Rachel mumbled, probably to herself.

I bit back a sarcastic remark. I couldn't blame he for worrying.

"Why do you care?" I snapped then winced when I saw her hurt look.

"Because I'm your sister and I care about you." Rachel whispered. "You never smile anymore. You're not your old self like you were before with…Nessie. And I hate to say it but…I'm kind of mad and I blame Nessie for doing this to you."

Anger shot through me again so bad I shook all over. Rachel took Will from my hands and cradled him to her chest.

Calm down, Jake, calm down!

I dashed to the dining room, preparing to run if I lost it. I put both hands on the wall and pushed, bending my head down.

And my sister has to be stupid enough to follow. "Jake?"

"Don't come any closer." I warned, growling. By the sound of my voice, she dropped the subject.

I slid down to the floor with a thud and leaned against the wall. I put my head in my hands to hide the tears coming. I had no clue why I was wanting to cry. Maybe it could be because I'm finally admitting that Nessie was also at fault with this. It worried me that if I was mean to Kaleb, what would I be with Nessie?

"How's the house coming?" Rachel asked as I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

"Good." I answered, drifting off to sleep.

"When you wake up, call Dad. He wants to have a Council meeting. We haven't had one of those in a while." Rachel said and I nodded, to tired to care.

"What?" I jumped up.

"Relax. Go back to sleep. You need it."

"No I don't. I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You need sleep, Jacob. It's affecting the way you're running the tribe, and you don't look so good either. What if you do see Nessie? She might run if she sees you." Rachel joked, trying to make me laugh but I didn't see the humor to try.

"Later, little brother. And please don't shut us out again. We get worried about you when you try and play superman, Chief."

"So you can have a babysitter, basically." I said.

"Sort of. You know, one day you'll make a great parent." I rolled my eyes. What was it with people saying I was going to be a great dad. What makes them think I'll ever be a parent! The only girl I want to have a family with is gone!

"Whatever makes you happy, Rach." I said as she laughed then walked out.

I heard shuffling in the living room and Rachel doing the whole baby talk crap to William. She talked about how uncle Jake would come around eventually.

I heard her walk out the house and drive off.

Rachel was right. I needed sleep. It didn't matter if I only had ten minutes. It was going to put other people in danger if I kept acting like an idiot.

I went to the white couch and plopped down. Memories flooded through of Nessie curled up at my side on this couch. It was painful, but the more I thought it, the more my connection with Nessie proved that I was right. She felt that she loved me.

But the steel cable that connected me to Nessie also felt like she was confused. Maybe it's because I'm confused and I'm hoping I can feel Nessie. I think I have lost it.

I drifted off thinking that Nessie wasn't alone with feeling confused. And maybe I did admit to myself that I am mad at her.

~~~~~ Forever Ours ~~~~~

I dreamed I ran in my wolf form, following something I couldn't see. I could hear it. I could smell it, sense it. I could even feel it. But I still couldn't see it. Could it be Nessie and I just don't know it? I mean, isn't a dream suppose to be confusing.

I came to the fact that it was Nessie I was chasing after. What's new. But there was still that presence…I just couldn't put my finger on it.

"Nessie! Wait up!"

I was able to catch up to her; and God was she beautiful. Her ringlet curls cascaded down her back, bouncing as she turned to me and met my eyes. Her skin glowed as we stood in direct sunlight. Did I say how beautiful she was.

She looked different. More beautiful that's for sure, but there was something that she was hiding in her chocolate brown eyes. For some reason I couldn't name it.

"Jacob." Renesmee said, her voice as beautiful as bells. Snap out of it, Jacob!

Nessie walked gracefully over to me. "Nessie." I thought, nudging her arm. I felt like I was on a high. I was so excited that I couldn't even phase back to man.

"I missed you." she showed me, touching my head. The touch felt too real. This dream felt too real. But I was going to take what I could get.

I thought about everything since she left. How I've been acting, the tension between the pack, everything I could think of between then and now.

Nessie took a few steps back, her face hardening. She let out a hiss at me.

"Why did you leave?" I asked.

"To protect you." she growled.

"Why? I can take care of myself. I need to know you're okay-"

"I can take care of myself! I've doing perfectly fine for the past few weeks!" Nessie yelled but I could see the tears streaking down her facce.

I finally changed back to man and I rushed to her but she took another step back. "Jacob, don't ruin everything." she whispered. I could see the vulnerability in her eyes.

"Why are you pushing me away?"

"Because I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm not waiting long. I will find you." I stated. "Two weeks then I come and get you."

"No. Six months." she bargained

"A month. That's my best offer. You're lucky I've made it this long." I said, standing firm. If she saw one weak attempt, I loose her forever.

"Three months."

"NO."

"YES!" Renesmee shouted. "You know what, even when you're your dream self, you're still stubborn!"

I was about to say something when everything faded away and I slipped into darkness. Why do I always let her walk away?

The scenery changed. This time I was in Bella and Edward's meadow. Again this felt all too real. I didn't like the feeling I was having. That was making everything worse.

My wolf senses kicked into full gear and I became antsy. I didn't like this feeling at all.

I saw several dark figures ahead. I moved closer to see what I was. The wolf inside me raged for me to phase. I couldn't. It was like my skin wasn't allowing it. It was painful. Too painful to even stand.

I growled in pain. It was like I was stuck human when everything else was telling me to be wolf. I wanted-needed-to phase to get rid of this sickening pain. WHY CAN'T I FREAKING PHASE?!

"Are you sure, Renesmee? You know you are always welcomed as one of our members." a voice said.

As I crept painfully close I noticed the three cloaks of the Volturi right in front of me. Two leeches were holding Renesmee as she stood calm and solemn.

"Let her go!" I shouted as my instinct to let the wolf form go. It was painful and uncomfortable, but it felt like something was holding me back. I just know the more I pushed it, the more painful it got.

"Nessie!" I shouted but she continued to ignore me as if I wasn't there.

She shook her head no. I didn't know if she was speaking to me or to the leeches in front of her.

With one last painful attempt, I was able to phase. I ran over to where she was but was stopped. I couldn't go any further. NO!

"It is a shame; but if we bend the rules for you then we would have to bend the rules for everybody else." Aro said as the bloodsuckers brought Renesmee closer, and I frantically tried to get to her.

"No. You don't need to bend the rules; but I would rather die than you." Nessie growled.

"NO!" I thought. "Take their offer, Nessie!" I shouted but she kept ignoring me.

"That is about to be arranged, young Renesmee." Cauis said with a cold, sinister smirk.

I had to do something! But instead, I stood frozen. She's going to die and I can't do nothing about it.

Aro took another step to Renesmee and put both hands on either side of her face. I knew what he was going to and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

"Wait!" Nessies shouted and I sighed in relief.

"Have you changed your mind?" Aro asked.

Please say yes! Please say yes!

"No." my heat sank. "Can I just make one request?"

"Yes?" My heart raced. Why can't I do anything?

"Nessie, please, don't do this! I don't care what rules you broke for them to kill you, but don't let them! Fight! Let me in! Please, Nessie…" I begged bit it was useless.

"What I did is my fault. I take full responsibility fir my actions. But if it's no trouble, could you not punish my family and the shape-shifters. They were not involved in my doing." Renesmee said in a strong voice.

"Of course." Marcus answered as if he'd rather be somewhere else.

Nessie closed her eyes as Aro tightened his hands around her necl.

"NO!" I screamed as Aro flicked his wrist and Nessie's body fell to the ground.

Dead.

~~~~~ Forever Ours ~~~~~

I shot up abruptly and rubbed my eyes. I was still on the Cullens couch where I dozed off. Now I remember why I never slept. I have dreams like these.

It was dark in the house so I figured it was nighttime. I could hear it was storming outside. What's new?

I debated whether or not to call my father. Why does he need my permission to hold a Council meeting? He is part of the Elders. He can do it by himself.

Oh yeah, I'm Chief of the tribe. I forgot about that part.

Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow. They can live until that day, right? Everybody needs a break. Don't I deserve one too?

I ran my hands through my hair. Out of all of the dreams I've had, that one felt real. I wonder if she's thought the same thing.

But what about the…thing, presence, whatever it was! What was it? Did I hit my head on something? I know I'm crazy, but could I be getting worse. Why did I feel like I couldn't phase. I did eventually but trying was a pain. It was like my skin wouldn't allow it.

I pushed all that into the back of my mind. I'll figure that out tomorrow. It I don't then oh well. Some confusing dream that felt real was the last of my worries. Nessie was my worry. I had to figure her out then I'll worry about the others.

She wants me to stay out of her life. But she should do something stupid and go to the Volturi to die. I have to make a decision. Do I just sit and call, praying she would answer. Or do I man up and go after her.

Decisions, decisions…