Kate

As we drive past the scene of the wreck on our way out of town, I can't help but slow the car down so we can peer out the windows at the site. Part of me is screaming at my right foot to ease back onto the accelerator, to get out of here. Another part of me is saying to go even slower, to take it all in, don't chance missing a clue. But another part of me, the one that I've just barely become acquainted with tells me that this is killing Alexis, that I have to move along for her because she can't bear it.

I urge the car on and reach over for her slender hand, giving it a squeeze.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Why don't you try and get some rest?"

"I don't think you need me having a nightmare while you try to drive."

"As long as we're not on Elm Street."

The slight joke is out of my mouth before I can stop it and when I chance a look at her the corners of her mouth are curled slightly up. I'm not sure if we both just need to be lighthearted for a minute, or if heading back to the city and actually feeling like we're getting accomplished is easing some of our worry, but I think we both feel a little better.

"Hey, can we talk about something?" I start, half an hour into the trip.

"Yeah, of course."

I chew on my bottom lip for a moment, making a lane change quickly, taking just a moment longer to formulate exactly what I'm going to say.

"I was actually going to talk to you about this days ago but then… things got in the way."

"Rogan O'Leary," she says with a nod. "Is that even his real name?"

"Unfortunately."

She smiles to herself.

"So what did you want to talk about?"

"Alexis, I just want you to know that I'm never going to try and be your mom."

I glance over at her but she doesn't seem to want to say anything.

"Even putting the step-mom label on it seems kind of weird. So um… I just want you to know that I'll be whatever you need me to be. I won't be anything if that's what you-"

"Kate, don't be ridiculous."

"Hmm?"

"I know you're not trying to be my mom and you never would. But a step-mom? I think that works just fine."

"Yeah?"

"What I don't like is the fact that you still think you're not really in this family. You are, Kate. You have been for a long time."

"Sometimes I just don't know where I stand with you."

She's quiet for a long time and I wonder if I've upset her or if she doesn't really know the answer either.

"I know things have been pretty murky between us in the past, and I'm glad you just let it clear on its own instead of pushing. I never told you how much I appreciated that."

"To be honest that wasn't me giving you space, it was me not knowing what I was doing."

"You did it well. Regardless, I feel like things are a lot better now. I do love you, Kate and I'm so happy you and dad are…"

Her voice trails off and I reach over for her hand again.

"I love you too."

"Thanks for just being you. I think that's what we all need, just you."

I nod and take a deep breath, thinking that there isn't anything else in the world she could have said that would have been better.

"Do you want to stop for food?" I ask after a bit, needing to change the conversation to something neutral.

"Not unless you do. We can make something when we get home. Or order."

"Alexis, I need you to know that I'm not going to give up, but we may not find anything in his notes."

"I know that. But it's something."

"It's something," I repeat.

"Until we can figure out something else, it has to be enough."

"Sweetheart, you don't have to keep being so brave. It's okay to feel it."

"Yeah, but it's scary."

"I know."

"I feel like if I cry and worry too much that my head will be all foggy and I won't be able to really think about this. I won't be able to help you. And that will let dad down."

"Alexis, promise me you won't lose yourself in this."

"I don't think I can promise you that."

"I don't want you to become me."

"I won't. Kate, you didn't have anyone else to help you, not until dad came along. And I know you won't leave me. I'll be okay."

How can she be so calm and self assured this early in life?

"You let me know if you're not."

"I will."

Silence falls again and I can't help but start thinking about how this was supposed to go. Castle and I would be married now, off on our honeymoon with any cares we still had on pause. Regardless of the plans we'd made, I was still expecting that it wouldn't go off without a hitch. Nothing ever did when it came to us, and looking back, I wish that Rogan was the greatest hitch in the plans and for a glorious day, I'd thought that was it. I thought we'd conquered everything. Now I find out it was only just starting.

I swallow hard and breathe deeply, trying to fight back the strong wave of missing him that I'm feeling. I can't start thinking about the hurt right now, not when I know how fast it can escalate, how quickly it will become more than I can handle. I can't let it in, not with his daughter in the car. He's counting on me to keep her safe, to look out for her, just as he asked me so many years ago. It seems like another lifetime.

I glance over at her, seeing that her head is resting against the window now and her eyes are at half-mast. Maybe once we get back to the city, when she's back home, I can talk her into taking a break and getting some real sleep.

No, she's much too stubborn. Too much like her dad. Too much like me. She's not going to stop unless it's her own idea, and even then, she'll fight it to the end.

I try to keep my mind on trivial things for the rest of the drive, and neither of us really say much. Once we reach the loft we head into the kitchen and find a few things for dinner, despite loss of appetite. She's finished before I am and I know she's itching to get into the file cabinets and look through all of Castle's notes, but I'm starting to think that this is pointless. There may not be a single thing in there. I agree that we have to do something, especially since the investigation in the Hamptons is very slow going, but I don't know if this is the best thing. It has the potential to completely discourage us and send us way off track. I don't want that to happen, but I follow her into the study anyway, watching as she yanks a cabinet open and starts looking through the files.

"He should think about organizing these," she says after a moment, pilling out a few manila folders. "I know for sure this contact moved to Florida. We went to his retirement party."

"Alexis-"

"See, he has this drawer labeled "resources" and some of it is contacts, but some of it is research. And here's a list of clichés to avoid."

"Alexis."

"I know. Don't get my hopes up. If we don't find anything, what do you want to do next?"

"I'll have to check in with Gates, see if there's anything new on the case. If not then I think we try to find Dr. Nieman."

"How?"

"I really hope I can figure that out."