The Miracle of Love
Chapter 17
"Oh you bring me joy, yeah you bring me sadness..."
Bilbo returned with Kíli a couple of hours later. They obviously had a lot of fun because Bilbo was smiling and happy again and Thorin didn't miss that when they walked through the door.
"So, how was it," asked Fíli as they all sat down in the living room. Thorin was sitting in his armchair pretending that he was playing with his phone.
"Disgusting." This is how Kíli described it.
"Why?"
"They showed us the video where a woman gave birth," explained Bilbo and sat down on the couch next to Kíli. "It wasn't that disgusting."
"Are you crazy?!" asked Kíli. "That poor woman looked like she was about to die. It looked so painful."
"She chose a natural birth," reminded him Bilbo.
"Yes, and you are crazy enough that you are planning to do the same."
"You want to have a natural birth?" asked Fíli.
"Well, yeah. You only get one first time giving birth. I want to remember it. It's going to be a part of me for the rest of my life. I don't want to be all drugged and I don't want to drug my baby."
"You are either extremely brave or extremely stupid," commented Kíli.
"Well it's my choice how I want to do it. I want to get at least something out of this. You know, the satisfaction that you brought another being into this world."
"I completely agree with Bilbo," said Fíli. "It's a one-in-a-life time thing and if he wants to be in pain then he can be in pain." Everyone, except Thorin, laughed at Fíli's words. "So what else did you do?"
"Not much. They told us about the baby and how it's developing, but everything in general. Then they showed us that disgusting video and then we got to play with baby dolls," explained Kíli.
"What did you do?" asked confused Fíli.
"They showed us how to hold the baby, how to support its head and they showed us how to change a nappy," explained Bilbo.
"In which Bilbo did the best job," added Kíli. "He is a natural. Others, including myself, had some trouble. I mean, I struggled putting a nappy on a doll which lays still. Can you imagine how much trouble I would have if this was a real baby, moving around?"
"You just need some practice. You'll learn."
"It's not fair. She showed it to you once and you were able to do it perfectly. You will be a perfect daddy."
Bilbo swallowed hard at Kíli's words. "I hope that one day I will. I hope that one day I will have a child of my own and I plan to love it more than life itself." A tear escaped Bilbo's eyes and Kíli pulled him closer.
"It's okay. Everything is going to be okay. You'll see," he soothed.
"Thanks," said Bilbo and forced a smile on his face.
"Next time I'm going with you," said Fíli. "I want to learn, too. I promise you that we will take good care of your baby."
Thorin snorted at that.
"Do have something to say?" asked Fíli who didn't like Thorin's behavior.
Thorin put the phone down and looked at the group. Kíli still had an arm around Bilbo who was leaning on him. "Your baby?" laughed Thorin in that tone that meant that nothing good will come out of his mouth. "Your baby? Whose baby?" He looked at Bilbo. "This is not your baby. You sold it, remember? You want to feel the pain. Of course you do, it's the only punishment you can think for yourself for selling your own child. But let me tell you this: the guilt won't go away. No, you will feel it forever. And the scars on your body will remind you forever what you could have."
"Thorin!" warned him Fíli.
"No, let him finish," said Bilbo with tears in his eyes.
Thorin stood up and looked at him before he continued. "You go to these classes and you learn about changing diapers and holding a baby. What for? You will never be allowed to even hold your child. Never. You can forget about breastfeeding or changing diapers. The moment that child leaves your body you will never see it again. If you are lucky enough the nurse will show it to you once you give birth so you'll at least know how it looks like. But this will make it even worse. You are nothing more than a living incubator, Bilbo Baggins."
Bilbo looked at Thorin after he finished his speech. Some words stayed in his head and will probably stay there for the rest of his life. Thorin was right. He will never be allowed to hold his child or to do anything with it that they teach in birthing classes. Still, Thorin had no right to tell him that in the way he did. It was damn right cruel.
Bilbo stood up from the couch with tears in his eyes and stepped in front of Thorin. Fíli and Kíli got worried for a second what might happen. "Thank you for reminding me how horrible my life has become since I slept with you," said Bilbo as calmly as he could and slapped Thorin hard across his face.
Bilbo's hand began to sting and Thorin's cheek became red where Bilbo's hand hit him. He still didn't turn his face to meet Bilbo's eyes. "I hope that this gave you at least the idea of pain I feel every day since I slept with you!" Thorin finally gathered enough courage to look Bilbo in the eyes. "I agreed to sleep with you so I take all the responsibility for the unexpected consequences that followed. I forgave you for what you did to me that night, for the humiliation I felt when I ran back home. I hope that one day you'll be mature enough so you will be able to forgive yourself. When that happens call me, maybe we can be friends." This was the last thing Bilbo said before he ran upstairs with tears in his eyes.
Thorin stood frozen on the spot.
"Congratulations," said Fíli and stood up. "Congratulations Thorin. You just made the only person who could love you, hate you forever. Congratulations," repeated Fíli dryly, "I hope you are happy alone, because that's how it's going to be. When all your friends will leave you, you will have no one except dad. I hope that you two will be happy together, ruining other people's life."
Kíli just shook his head as he passed Thorin and followed Fíli upstairs.
Thorin collapsed back into his armchair and ran his hand over his face. What's wrong with me? I should never have said those things to him. Why did I do it? I'm so stupid! Thorin groaned loudly and threw his head back. I should have never said anything. Fíli is right. Now Bilbo will have me forever. I lost him. I lost both of them. Thorin reached for his phone and dialed a familiar number.
"Yes?"
"Dwalin, are you busy? I did something stupid and I need your help."
:::
When Thorin returned back from the talk with Dwalin, he immediately went to Bilbo's room. He knocked a few times, but no answer came. Bilbo was smart enough to lock himself into his room so that no one could disturb him. Thorin pleaded to be let in, but the doors stayed closed.
In the morning Thorin waited Bilbo for nothing. The younger boy apparently left the house before Thorin woke up. In school, Bilbo did an even better job at avoiding him. No one knew where Bilbo was or at least no one wanted to tell him. He searched the entire school but he didn't find him.
The only think that kept him from losing his mind was the fact that at some point Bilbo would have to return to the house and Thorin decided to patiently wait for his return.
"I want to apologize," was the first thing Thorin said when Bilbo walked in.
"No need," said Bilbo plainly. He didn't want to be around Thorin, especially after what happened the previous night.
"I shouldn't have said these things to you."
Bilbo stopped once he was back in his room. "No, you were right. Everything you told me was the truth, I was just too blind to see it. Or you can say I don't want to see the things that way. But your words last night had a point. I wanted to do so many things for this baby. Go to parenting classes, buy clothes and toys. What for? This is not my future."
Bilbo took a deep breath to hold back his tears. "I was thinking last night, you know. I was thinking about my future, about my plans for the future. I wanted to go to college, get a very good job, move out of my parents' house. I wanted to have good grades in school so that maybe I could get a scholarship. All this is not happening so last night I decided to make a plan for my future. The first thing to do is to give birth to this baby and give it to you, and hopefully never see you again. The second thing is finish high school and the last is to find a job. Even with the grades I have no one will give me the scholarship, not when it will be clearly written in my file that I was pregnant. It's so much easier for you. You won't feel any consequences even though you had an equal part in making this baby as I did. I just can't wait for everyone in school to find out I'm pregnant. This will only make my life even better than it already is," said Bilbo with sarcasm before he slammed the door in Thorin's face.
Thorin stood there for a minute and replayed Bilbo's words in his head. Bilbo was telling the truth. Deciding to keep the baby meant sacrificing everything, even his future. What pained Thorin the most was the fact that Bilbo appeared to lose all the hope. He always looked like a fighter, he fought for everything he got in his life. But now… Now he looked lifeless. Bilbo Baggins looked like he gave up on this world.
:::
Thorin wasn't really surprised that Bilbo avoided him as much as he could. If he wasn't forced to eat with him he found another place where he could eat his meal. Fíli and Kíli usually followed. In his own house, Thorin felt more alone than ever.
Dwalin was still trying to get Ori to forgive him. It's not that Ori held a grudge for long but he could keep Dwalin away from his bed for much longer and now Dwalin tried to do everything so that Ori would finally grant him access.
Other than Dwalin, Thorin didn't really have many friends. He knew a lot of people and he had a lot of connections, but he didn't want to hang out with them. After a few days Thorin gave up on his attempts to find company and he decided to stay at home on Friday night.
But not all were as miserable and bored as he was.
Bilbo apparently had plans for the evening because after a few days, Thorin finally saw him smiling again as he came down to the living room.
"What do you think?" Bilbo asked Fíli and Kíli. Thorin didn't miss that he purposely ignored him or that he was wearing new clothes. He was ready to go out. Like on a date. It him hard when he realized that Bilbo was going out with someone.
"Looks great," commented Kíli.
Bilbo turned to the side. "It can't be seen, right?" He was gesturing to his belly which was not visible under the shirt he was currently wearing.
"No one will now."
Bilbo let a breath. "I just don't want people staring at us."
"Where are you going?" Thorin tried to sound as casual and uninterested as possible.
"I'm going out with Bofur."
"What?!" Thorin was suddenly much more attentive than he was before. "You are going out with Bofur?" he questioned.
"Wasn't I clear enough?"
"Why are you going out with him?"
Bilbo took a breath to calm down. He really didn't like Thorin's interrogation. He feared that he might do something stupid if he would tell him too much. "He asked me out and I said yes."
"Why did you say yes?" questioned Thorin.
It was Fíli who spoke so that Bilbo didn't have to answer the question. "It's late, you better go."
"Right. I'll see you later." He smiled at Kíli before he disappeared.
"I want a detailed description later!" Kíli called after him.
Bilbo smiled and shook his head before he left the house. Bofur was already waiting for him. He looked very happy that Bilbo showed up. Maybe a part of him was a little worried that he won't come.
"Good evening," he greeted and gave Bilbo a kiss on the cheek.
"Hi," smiled Bilbo and accepted Bofur's hand. It was a little awkward but he needed to accept the fact that his best friend apparently had a huge crush on him. After what happened the last time they were together Bilbo felt like he needed to be nicer to him, and holding his hand wasn't that bad.
"So," started Bilbo, "Where are we going?"
Bofur smiled. "I'm taking you to that restaurant Ori told you about. You know, the one that Dwalin took him. You looked so excited about it so I know you will love it."
"Yeah." The truth was that Bilbo was only excited about Ori's date and how much effort Dwalin put in it. He didn't care about the restaurant and he certainly wasn't happy about going there on a date, but Bofur picked it out and he could fake being happy at least for a few hours.
He really didn't understand what people had with restaurants and cinema for the first date. In his opinion it was boring. Didn't anyone have just a little imagination about first dates? Wasn't this like the most important part when you start a relationship with someone? If Bilbo's first date with Bofur was any indication, apparently not.
:::
Bilbo came back to the mansion a couple of minutes before midnight. He was tired and he wanted nothing more than to climb into his bed and sleep. Date with Bofur was uneventful. They walked to the restaurant, had dinner, took a walk and then came back to the mansion. Bofur tried to kiss him several times but Bilbo managed to avoid every single one of his attempts. It's not that he didn't want to kiss him, it was more because a kiss always means something and he didn't want to give Bofur false hope. He still saw him as his friend and he couldn't imagine him as anything more. Still, Bofur was a perfect gentleman the entire night and Bilbo was happy he went out with him.
When he finally got back to his room and turned on the light he jumped with surprise. Kíli was lying on his bed, obviously waiting for him.
"You two took your time. Don't tell me you had so much fun," commented Kíli.
"Don't start, please."
"Was it that bad?"
Bilbo sighed. "He took me to a restaurant-"
"Long story short: it was boring," summarized Kíli.
"Yeah."
"So no Goodnight kiss?" asked Kíli.
"He gave me a kiss on the cheek, but nothing more happened between us."
"He doesn't get you blood going, doesn't he?"
"No," admitted Bilbo. "He is my friend. I'll never see him as something more."
"He is not my brother."
Bilbo remained silent for a moment. "No, he is not Thorin. But this is a good thing."
"Why? Don't you like being around my brother? Don't you love the feeling when your blood is rushing into some inappropriate places," teased Kíli and Bilbo blushed. "You do feel that when you are close to him don't you?"
Bilbo avoided eye contact bit he still felt Kíli's eyes on him. "Fine. Yes, I do," admitted Bilbo. "It's not my fault he is so good looking."
Kíli couldn't help but laugh. "Don't worry, your next date will be the best one you ever had."
"I certainly hope so. No fancy restaurants or things like that. I want something simple and I want to have fun."
Before Bilbo was able to finish that thought they heard music coming from outside the house. They both froze on the spot and tried to figure out from where the music was coming from.
"Is that coming from our garden?" asked Kíli, but before he was able to finish his thought they were both rushing to the window. They almost broke it in their rush to open it. They wanted to know what was going on.
Bilbo frowned when he saw Thorin standing in the garden. He was the last person he wanted to see right now. Still, Thorin was standing there and the music was playing on the stereo he clearly dragged from the living room. It took a moment before Bilbo recognized the song and the realization what Thorin was doing woke up the butterflies in his stomach.
"What is he doing?" asked Kíli.
Bilbo just smiled, but didn't answer. He didn't have to really, because Thorin sang the first line.
"You're just too good to be true…"
Kíli and Bilbo couldn't help but burst out laughing. It was hilarious to see Thorin try so hard.
"Can't take my eyes off of you
You'd be like heaven to touch
I wanna hold you so much."
Bilbo actually felt really bad for laughing at Thorin, but he just couldn't stop. Thorin was apparently trying to do everything so that he would forgive him. Even if that meant making himself look like an idiot.
"At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you."
"Are you seeing this?" laughed Fíli from the other window. "He completely lost it."
"It's sweet," said Bilbo and Kíli hugged him.
"My brother prepared you a serenade. I think that means something," he said in Bilbo's ear. "Fíli? Are you filming this?"
"I wouldn't miss it for nothing in this world," answered Fíli who was already holding his phone. The next time he will need something from his brother he will able to use this as blackmail.
"Pardon the way that I stare
There's nothing else to compare
The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak
So if you feel like I feel
Please let me know that it's real
You're just too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off of you."
Bilbo listened Thorin sing. Even though he was still very much angry at him, his heart has apparently already forgiven him. He wanted nothing more but to run downstairs into Thorin's welcoming arms.
"What should I do?" he asked.
"What do you think?" Kíli made it sound like it was the most obvious thing to do. "Go down to him. Now!" He smiled and watched Bilbo run downstairs.
Bilbo made a few seconds stop in the kitchen before he entered the garden. He knew that Fíli and Kíli were watching him and he didn't want to look like a desperate girl.
"What are you doing, Thorin?" He wanted to sound annoyed and he partly succeeded.
"Isn't it obvious?" asked Thorin after he turned the music off.
"Then why are doing this?" asked Bilbo and closed the distance between them. He spoke quietly because he didn't want for Fíli and Kíli to hear everything.
"Isn't it obvious?" repeated Thorin.
"Are you drunk?!"
"No!" Thorin shook his head. "I had one beer while I was with Dwalin-"
"Poor Ori," commented Bilbo.
"I had a problem that urgently required my best friend's attention. Their date could wait for a few hours."
"Do you ever think about anyone else than yourself?"
Thorin looked Bilbo in the eyes, he wasn't sure if the younger boy was serious. "I do think about other people! I think about them a lot. I mean just look at me… I made an idiot out of myself so that maybe you would start speaking to me again." A smiled formed on Bilbo's face. "I spent few hours with Ori, practically on my knees-"
"Poor Ori," teased Bilbo. "He had to suffer you for a few hours."
"Don't laugh! Mahal knows with how many things I had to bribe him so that he told me what might work so that you would start talking to me again."
"And what would that thing be?" Bilbo asked.
"This… He said that you might like it if this would be like in a movie."
"I'm so happy you said that." Bilbo smiled and emptied a glass of water on Thorin's head. Up until now he kept it hidden behind his back so that Thorin couldn't see it.
"What was that for?!" Thorin sounded angry but he wasn't. He was just surprised.
"Movie experience," explained Bilbo.
"What kind of movie experience? With a glass of water? Where did you see that?"
Bilbo rolled his eyes. "Well it would be kind of difficult to bring a bucket of water here without you noticing and it would be even harder for me to empty it on your head."
"Fine. Have you movie experience. What happens next?"
"Nothing," answered Bilbo plainly and turned to go back inside, but Thorin caught him by his arm. YES! YES! YES! Before Bilbo could even say something Thorin pulled him back to him and clashed their lips into a passionate kiss. Movie experience… This is so much better.
Bilbo didn't protest and threaded his fingers in Thorin's hair and allowed him to pull him closer. He couldn't help but smile when he heard Fíli and Kíli cheering loudly from the window. Thorin's tongue was immediately allowed access into his mouth and Bilbo allowed him to take control. He was too lost to even know what he was doing. One of Thorin's hands was on his back, pulling him as close as possible, while the other was on his neck, tilting his head up just enough to make kissing even possible, when they were so close together. Bilbo felt like he was about to explode with happiness. The butterflies in his stomach were making all kinds of turns and for a moment Bilbo wasn't sure if the movement he felt were really butterflies or something else.
They had to pull apart at some point because they needed some air. Bilbo looked Thorin in the eyes and smiled.
He reached with his hand up toward Thorin's face, but Thorin caught his hand.
"I don't care if this is the movie experience, you still don't get to slap me after this."
Bilbo rolled his eyes and freed his hand from Thorin's grip. He cupped Thorin's cheek and with his thumb brushed away the drop of water that came from Thorin's wet hair.
"You went out with Bofur," commented Thorin calmly.
"He asked me out and I said yes," replied Bilbo and took a step back.
"If I would have asked you to go out with me, would you have said yes?" Bilbo just smiled and turned around to go back inside. "Bilbo!" called Thorin.
The younger boy stopped and turned around to face him. "Yes. I would have said yes."
Thorin smiled happily. "Will you go out with me?"
Bilbo smiled and shook his head before he headed back inside. "Goodnight, Thorin!"
Author's notes:
All mistakes are mine.
This is my favorite chapter! It was just fun to write it. I know that you are all thinking that Bilbo forgave Thorin and they are together now, but think again… This is me and if you were reading this story than you know how this goes, don't you…
I wrote Bilbo's reaction based on my personal experience. If am really angry at my best friend he usually tries to do everything to make me happy again as his way of apologizing and he usually succeeds. But that doesn't mean it's all good between us, when we calm down and think everything through, we always talk about what happened, and then we are back to normal.