Please note that the world of Harry Potter belongs to Rowling, therefore I take no credit in it or the characters I use for this fanfic.
Note from the Author: Yes, I would still be very happy for constructive reviews (or any reviews at all really). Also, if you find any mistakes with the spelling or grammar, please let me know.
English isn't my native language, but I try to look up words I'm not sure on how to spell correctly, it's just that translators usually aren't very reliable.
And yes, I know this chapter is a bit shorter than the other ones, and I apologize for that.
A couple of weeks after Sirius had lost his surname, he came wandering into the library one afternoon while Remus was reading in the regal looking armchair he now considered his.
Sirius stopped on the floor about halfway through the library and stared at a spot right above Remus' head.
Remus peered above his dusty volume and was genuinely surprised to see Sirius of all people in the library, for Sirius had never liked libraries. Not even the one at Hogwarts, even though Remus had always thought it had been magnificent.
Remus let the book drop to his lap and studied Sirius' expression carefully, and nodded at the sight of the subtle confusion in Sirius' face, as if to encourage him to speak his mind.
"Yes, Siri?" Remus asked, when Sirius still hadn't spoken after a couple of minutes.
Sirius opened his mouth and closed it again, like a goldfish, and then he seemed to think about what he was going to say. "I.. I wanted to take action on the name-changing thing, but I just.. I want to make it official, but I can't find any way to do it since we're the only people here, at least the only ones I know of.. And I thought you're probably wiser than all the paintings in this house combined," at this the majority of the paintings on the wall snorted and threw disapproving glances at Sirius, "so I want your opinon on the matter. What should I do?" Sirius had said all this without breathing even once, and he seemed quite desperate to get a new name. "Poor thing" Remus thought "It must be terrible not to have a name".
Remus put his book down with a thud on a small table next to the chair where he used to keep his teacup, and then he stood up and walked over to Sirius with five carefully measured steps so he ended up about an arms-length away from Sirius. Then he raised his hand and gently stroked Sirius' unshaved cheek, and Sirius' lids fluttered shut under the soft touch.
"You don't know how honored I feel that you actually want to do this. It feels like by doing this you're uniting our souls so they become one, like an anti-horcrux," Sirius almost started laughing at the comparison between their souls molded into one and an anti-horcrux (which Sirius was pretty sure didn't exist anyway), but Remus effectively shut him up by placing a slim hand over his mouth, "Don't laugh Siri! I'm trying to be serious. Very well, the best thing I can come up with is that we probably should try to send an owl to the Ministry. Even if we don't get a response, it's still worth a try, isn't it?" Remus smiled, trying to convince both himself and Sirius.
Sirius loved it when Remus smiled, it made the fragile skin around his eyes wrinkle, but in a good way.
"You know, you're not really Sirius, I am," Sirius said and winked, which made Remus roll his eyes and shoo Sirius out of the library. That was a line followed by a face that Remus had heard and seen far too many times to be considered healthy during his school days, and the line had become pretty worn out already. It had been Sirius' response whenever a teacher had asked him to "Try to be serious, just this once."
And the library was sacred ground to Remus, so he didn't want Sirius running around more than necessary, even though it was technically his library.
After Sirius had been so abruptly shoved out of the library he started to make his way up to his study through the winding, green corridors. Sirius had tried to cover them up with some red paint just after he had gotten there, but the paint seemed to sink right into the wall, letting the green come through again, even brighter than before. The house seemed to have at least some of it's old character left.
And the walls were certainly not the only things the house hadn't let him repaint..
When Sirius finally had made his way up to his study he sat down on his chair. The room had a slight touch of lavender in the air, because it was said to be calming. And Sirius needed to be as calm as possible to write, because his thoughts always seemed to wander off into faraway places.
But at least now he got something down onto the parchment.
16.08.1998
Hello, dear Ministry of Magic, if you exist anymore.
My name is Sirius, former Sirius Black. I would like to know if it is possible to change my surname into Luck, meaning my new name would be Sirius Luck.
Thankful for reply as soon as possible.
Sincerely, Sirius no-longer-Black.
It took Sirius half an hour to even get those five lines scribbled down onto the paper, and by that time Remus had already checked up on him twice. When Sirius was done he padded down to the door which lead to the courtyard, the only door to the outside that would let them through (the main door wouldn't open even a crack), and he went to search for his owl Jamesie.
Jamesie was hiding under a thick bush, for he was angry at Sirius because Sirius had placed him on a diet (he had become more ball-like and less owl-like since Remus had joined them, so Sirius was suspecting Remus was fattening him in order to gain his respect), and as Sirius peered under the bush he shrieked angrily and slowly padded around on the spot so he ended up turning his back to Sirius.
Sirius decided he was not having any of Jamesies bad mood and dragged the screeching chocolate brown owl out of it's hidingplace.
Sirius felt a surge of pain in his chest as he saw the streaks of black among the otherwise brown feathers. They reminded him om James' hair, that's why he had named the ruddy bird Jamesie in the first place. On the other hand, he should have known better than to torture himself like that.
The owl struggled in his arms when he tried to tie the letter to it's legs, and at one point it almost pecked his eye out, but he got the letter attached to it and tried to throw it into the air. Jamesie, however, had no intentions on letting go of Sirius' arm, so he stood there and waved his arm for quite some time before the owl finally let go of it.
Since Jamesie was more ball-like than owl-like, he flied pretty wobbily. Sirius stood grumpily and watched the owl disappear above the black tile roof of Grimmauld Place 12, while the sweet gum-like scent of the flowers in the yard washed over him.
"I swear, that owl has a worse temper than James ever had, even when we had been up all night watching you on full moons.." Sirius muttered as he sat down on a wobbly chair in the kitchen and leaned his head in his hand.
Remus, who stood at the counter pouring himself a glass of orange juice, chuckled and then moved over to peck an orangy kiss on Sirius' cheek, "Sirius dear, no need to overreact. You wouldn't be too happy if you had to be on a diet either, even though it would certainly do you good," Remus placed himself in Sirius' lap and started stroking his thumb over a scratch on Sirius' high cheekbone. "Although.. He really hurt you.." and then he placed a light kiss onto the scratch, as if he wanted to heal it with his lips.
Sirius grasped Remus' hand and placed it over his heart, and into Remus' ear he whispered "I love you Remie. I really, really do. I could never live without you, and those twelve years in Azkaban was hell for me," and his voice sounded so broken down and completely stripped of all his former pride, left was only his sorrow and pain. And of course, his love for Remus.
He sounded so desperate, and his eyes were so begging, that Remus could not do anything else than to simply hold him tightly in his arms, like a protective nest, and tell him, "I love you too Siri. Every second away from you I was drowning in my own tears. I tried not to think about you, especially not after you had died and I had a family to take care of, but every day I had to lock myself up in a bathroom just to be able to cry. And Merlin, did I cry.." Remus didn't sound very whole himself..
From Sirius' throat arose something like a sob mixed with giggle, and he said a little huskily, "Well, I didn't cry, of course. I'm a Black, Black's don't cry," but then he seemed to realize what he had said and buried his face into Remus' light brown mess of hair.
And Remus held his lover and stroked his back for hours and hours until darkness fell outside, and he decided it was time to move up to the bedroom. So he picked Sirius up as gently as he could and carried the broken down man up to their bedroom, over the redcarpeted floor and onto their bed, where he equally gently laid the man down onto the bed.
With a quick spell he replaced Sirius' worn jeans and shirt with his equally worn striped pajamas. Red and Gold, for Gryffindor of course. The man had always longed to be as different from the rest of his family as possible.
Then he used another spell to place the cover over Sirius, then he manually changed into his own pajamas and climbed into the bed, where he let the crisp sheets embrace him as he held an arm around Sirius' waist.
"It hurts, not to know where you belong. Not to know who you are anymore. Like, yesterday you knew who you were, and today you don't, you've been stripped of your identity.
It really, really hurts not to know who you are, you know?" Sirius said after a while, when Remus had been just about to drift asleep.
Remus seemed to think about it for a while, then he yawned and drew Sirius closer to his body and answered, "Yes, I do."