The Miracle of Love
Chapter 34
"This is the way you left me. I'm not pretending. No hope, no love, no glory, no happy ending. This is the way that we love, like it's forever. Then live the rest of our life, but not together."
He had just told Thorin to leave. And Thorin left. He left without saying another word. Without a goodbye kiss or words of encouragement. Nothing. He just left, and up until now Bilbo never realized how much it would hurt to lose Thorin. He loved him, simple as that, but with everything that has happened, things would never work between them.
There was no way of stopping tears also no reason to. This wasn't a happy day. He just lost two things he loved the most in the world and the pain he felt couldn't be described with words. Luckily he wasn't alone for long because the moment Thorin left his mother entered the room, prepared to protect him from anything or anyone who would try to do him harm.
"Mum," he cried and in a few short steps she pulled him into a hug and held him so that he could cry on her shoulder. He knew that his father and Frodo came with her, but at that moment he really didn't care. He needed comfort, he needed someone who will tell him that everything is going to be alright.
Belladonna waited until sobbing stopped before pulling back and looking into her son's eyes. "Everything is going to be okay," she promised him as she brushed the last tears that escaped him away. "It's going to be hard for you, and for us, but we'll get through this, I promise," she told him before pressing a kiss to his forehead. She put a strand of his hair behind his ear before lifting his chin and forcing him to look her in the eyes. "Better?"
Bilbo nodded before hugging her again.
Belladonna sat on the bed next to him and pulled him closer into her loving embrace.
"So where is the baby?" Asked Frodo from where he was standing next to his father, watching his mother trying to calm Bilbo down. He wasn't too young to understand what was happening, but this whole ordeal was confusing for everyone.
Bungo flinched and looked worryingly over at his son who already looked so vulnerable and in pain.
"They took him away after he was born," explained Bilbo calmly as his mother wiped another tear away.
"So it was a boy?" She asked and Bilbo nodded.
"I didn't get to see him, but the doctor told me he was healthy."
"Do we get to see him?" Asked Frodo.
Bilbo shook his head and he would swear that Frodo looked even more disappointed than he was.
"Were they called?" Bungo asked. "Thorin's parents I mean. Were they informed that there is a baby waiting for them here?" His voice carried more bitterness than necessary.
"They are coming on the evening flight."
"You are still fat," commented Frodo as he climbed on the bed next to him and hugged him.
Bilbo wrapped an arm around him and held him close as he muttered his thanks.
They fell into silence for the next few minutes before the doctor came in with a nurse.
"I heard your parents are here," Arwen smiled as she greeted his parents. "How are you feeling?"
"Sore."
"Would you like something for the pain?"
Bilbo winced as he tried to move on the bed, but still shook his head. He wasn't playing strong, but if he could push a person into this world he could handle some pain.
"Would you like to take the shower while I talk with your parents?"
The idea of shower didn't sound that bad, so Bilbo agreed. The nurse helped him stand up from the bed before helping him to the bathroom where he could shower, Frodo followed close behind, leaving their parents alone with the doctor.
"As you can see Bilbo is doing fine, physically," she added and Belladonna nodded at her words. Her son wasn't like he used to be one year ago. "The birth went without any complications. The baby was born healthy and handed to a social worker who is with him right now waiting for the adoptive parents," she explained. "The records will still stay that Thorin and Bilbo are his biological parents, but legally they won't be since they agreed to adoption."
"As I said before nothing went wrong during birth, Bilbo didn't tear so he should recover quickly, but as I said before I am talking about his physical recovery." She took a deep breath before she continued. "During his visits I came to know your son well and I know that dealing with this loss won't be easy for him or for any of you. I'm not sure what has he told you, but we agreed that the baby will be taken from him immediately after the birth."
"He told us," confirmed Bungo.
"I spoke with Thorin before Bilbo was taken into the delivery room and asked him to keep Bilbo calm after the baby would be taken from him… Needless to say Bilbo expected Thorin to help him and when Thorin and the nurse held him down he called him some names. I'm not familiar with their past, but with the things Bilbo said to him my guess is that things weren't exactly great between them from the beginning."
"That's what the fight was about," commented Belladonna and Arwen nodded.
"This is between them so I'm not going to interfere, what I want to see though is my patients healthy. I know Bilbo seems fine right now, but I want you to keep an eye on him in case he decides to do something… stupid."
"Are you implying that my son will try to harm himself?" Asked Bungo angrily. His son would never do something like that.
"Not just harm himself, sir, but try and take his life."
"Do you really think something like that will happen?" Asked Belladonna with concern.
"I can't be sure, but I would like to prevent any incidents. Keep an eye on him, especially in these first few weeks. Don't allow him to shut you out. Try to be patient with him, he'll need time."
"Would therapy help?"
"That's for you to decide," said Arwen. "In my opinion, it will do him more good if he talks with you than with a therapist. And you know him better so you'll immediately know if he's acting differently."
Bungo and Belladonna nodded in agreement.
"When can we take him home?" Bungo asked. "You said he is okay and I don't think he feels comfortable being here."
"I would like to keep him here until the afternoon so that I'm completely sure I'm sending him home healthy," explained Arwen.
"How about school and other activities?"
"Normally it's recommended to take at least two weeks of rest after the birth, but since he had no complications I think you can allow him back to school after one week, but I advise taking it easy for another two. His body needs time to recover."
Arwen promised to return and check on their son before he would be allowed to leave, shook their hands and left.
:::
Bilbo returned with Frodo and the nurse who helped him back into the bed a few minutes later. He was showered and dressed in clean pajamas and in general he looked much better than he did twenty minutes ago. Frodo once again joined him on the bed where he told him everything that happened while they were away no leaving anything out, keeping Bilbo's mind busy from wandering to painful memories until breakfast arrived.
Frodo loved food as much as his brother did and so Bilbo had no other choice but to share his breakfast with him.
"You're not eating for two anymore," reminded him Frodo and Bilbo held back his tears as he handed over his yogurt. He knew that Frodo didn't understand how much it pained him at every reminder that his baby was gone.
If Bilbo didn't say anything his parents couldn't keep quiet. "Leave your brother's breakfast alone," told him Bungo. "I'll get us something to eat from the cafeteria."
After everyone expressed their wish what they want for breakfast Bungo left. He remembered the hospital. His wife gave birth to both of his sons here. And while being lost in his thoughts, his legs carried him somewhere he knew he shouldn't go.
But he wasn't the only one who was there.
"He asked why I didn't come to see him," Thorin told him quietly as they stood in front of the window watching babies sleep, one in particular to be precise.
Bungo didn't have to look at him to know that Thorin was crying. "He just wanted to know you'll look after him, that's all."
"But I can't really do that now, can I?" Thorin asked, his voice icy. "Look at him. My brother." The last part was said with disgust.
"He's beautiful," told him Bungo.
"He's perfect," corrected Thorin.
"Looks like you."
"He looks a lot like Bilbo too."
"His nose…"
"And ears," added Thorin before they went silent again. "It will never go away, will it?" Asked Thorin. "This feeling that I need to protect him, to make sure he is safe and happy, and that he has everything he needs."
"You are a parent, it's normal that you feel like that. Everyone does."
"That doesn't answer my question," reminded him Thorin.
"No," sighed Bungo, "It doesn't go away. It's the hardest job in the world."
"You make it look so easy."
"That's because when you're older you realize you can't be a perfect parent, but you can at least try. Remember Thorin, being a good parent doesn't mean buying your children everything they want, but being there for them when they need you. You're going to be okay," told him Bungo and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, "We will all be."
Before Thorin could say anything a nurse came out of the room. "Would you like to hold him?" She asked and offered him a warm smile while Thorin continued to stare at her.
"Go," encouraged Bungo and gave him a gentle nudge. Thorin looked back at him once before following the nurse into the room. Bungo watched from behind the glass window, how the nurse asked Thorin a few questions and then sat him down in the chair. She then smiled at him when she lifted the baby (his grandchild) into her arms and carried him over to Thorin. She adjusted his arms before handing over the baby. It took only a few moments for Thorin to relax and hold the baby closer to him as he traced his finger down his soft cheek.
The nurse offered him a warm smile and told him to call her if needed before she left him alone.
When Thorin finally looked up from the baby in his arms, Bungo wasn't there anymore.
:::
As expected Bilbo was discharged from the hospital late in the afternoon. His mother helped him collect his things while his father went to sign the papers.
He knew things were over between him and Thorin, but Bilbo couldn't help but hope that Thorin will come to him, kiss him and assure him that everything is going to be okay.
But that didn't happen. A nurse wheeled him out of the hospital where a taxi was waiting for them to go home. Bilbo allowed himself one more look behind before he got into the car and closed the door.
His mind was blank during the ride back. He didn't listen to his parents talking, nor the radio or Frodo, who desperately tried to make conversation. What to do now, that was the big question. Going back to his normal self where no one knew he existed, where no one knew who he was, get his grades back up and hope for a miracle.
Miracle…
Thorin kept the pictures. All of them. He had nothing. Maybe it was better this way, not having anything, trying to pretend nothing happened, trying to pretend that these few short months he got to spend with Thorin weren't the best thing that ever happened to him.
Thorin. Thorin. Thorin.
A few more months and then he would be gone forever. No doubt choosing some expensive college far away from here where he and Dwalin could be by themselves again without clingy boyfriends. It just hit him that he hasn't told anyone he had a baby. Thorin probably did, so Dwalin and Ori probably knew, and Fíli and Kíli of course. They must be very excited, especially Kíli who was in love with the baby from the beginning. They would love the baby.
When they finally arrived his mother helped him to his room while his father carried his bag. It wasn't much, but those were the last pieces of clothing he left at Thorin's and now they were back in his closet.
His mother asked him if he would like something to drink or eat, but he told her no, so she left him alone in the room leaving the doors open and taking the key with her. Bilbo thought it was odd, but didn't say a word about it. He just wanted to sleep, he wanted to sleep and then wake up and realize it was all just a bad dream.
Dinner was brought to his room that night and he had to eat it under his mother's watchful eye, so that something stupid wouldn't come to his mind. He didn't mind her company, it was just hard to talk to her. What would he say? I'm miserable because I lost the love of my life and our child. No, he couldn't do that so instead he resigned into answering her questions about school, his friends, TV shows… anything that came to her mind.
"Your closet is a mess, young man," she scolded full heartedly. "No wonder you can't find anything." She picked up a few shirts, folded them into a neat pile before putting them back in.
"How long until the belly goes down," Bilbo asked as his mother started folding his maternity clothes.
"A week or two, it won't be long before the swelling goes down. The extra weight you put on, on the other hand, won't be so easy to lose. But don't worry, you don't have to hurry."
Bilbo nodded as he absent-mindedly rubbed his belly. "It feels weird."
"What does?"
"This," Bilbo said and gestured to his belly. "I was so used to feel him move around… Now I feel nothing."
Belladonna didn't know what to say. 'It will get better' has been said so many times that it sounded like a broke record. "It's something special, isn't it? Feeling your baby move."
Bilbo cracked a smile at the memory. "He was quite active, especially if Thorin was around."
Belladonna offered him a smile. "So were you. You didn't move unless your father was talking to you. Frodo, on the other hand was kicking me all the time. We knew he would be an active child before he was even born." She sat next to her son on the bed and took his hand in his. "I know you loved this baby, I know you still do, but it doesn't mean the end of the world. He will have a family who will provide for him, take care of him and love him. He won't be missing anything even if he won't be with you."
"I know," answered Bilbo.
His mother placed a kiss on his forehead before she left.
:::
His mother stayed home with him for the whole week. For the first three days he didn't want to get out of the bed, he stayed up in his room sleeping. His mother brought him meals and stayed with him trying to make small talk. Sometimes she succeeded sometimes Bilbo just fell asleep.
On the fourth day he felt well enough to get out of the bad. His back didn't hurt and he wasn't as sore as he was before. Belladonna was never happier to see him when he slowly made his way to the kitchen. He was in a much better mood and Belladonna was grateful he wasn't trying to hurt himself in any way. He helped prepare lunch before he went to the living room to watch some TV.
He was still unusually quiet but at least he wasn't hiding away from everyone in his room. Everyone considered this a progress.
On a fifth day his mother went with him to a doctor's appointment when he was once again told that he was recovering very well and that he should be back to normal in no time.
He refused to think about Thorin or the baby, but that night he couldn't help himself.
"What are you doing?" Demanded to know Belladonna when she saw him.
"Nothing," he answered as he continued to search through the boxes.
"Then tell me what are you looking for."
"Nothing," he lied. He knew that his mother saw right through him.
"What are you looking for?" She asked again as she joined him in the attic. Her son was surrounded with open boxes.
"Nothing… I just want to see my baby clothes that you put away," he confessed.
Belladonna sighed before she moved a few boxes away and pulled out the one that had Bilbo's and Frodo's baby clothes and a few photo albums. They spent the rest of the evening going through the box and the photos, Belladonna telling him about every single one of them and for an hour or two Bilbo forgot what he was missing out.
:::
It was the Saturday, the day before he was supposed to return to school when Bofur came to visit him. With him dating Thorin and with everything that has happened, they drifted apart. Once they were good friends, now they didn't even know what to say to each other.
"You look good," said Bofur during commercial break.
"Thanks," mumble Bilbo back and pulled a blanket over himself. He couldn't help but to feel uncomfortable with Bofur staring at his belly.
"So how have you been?"
"Fine," came a simple reply.
"Taking and additional week of vacation, huh?" Bofur tried to lighten the mood.
"I'm coming back tomorrow, if that's what you wanted to ask."
"Will Thorin be coming back as well then?" asked Bofur and looked Bilbo in the eyes.
"I don't know. We broke up."
"I'm sorry." Bofur's apology sounded sincere and Bilbo couldn't help but to feel guilty for snapping at him. They were friends once, what's stopping them to become once again.
"I'm sorry, too. For everything."
"I wasn't just our fault. Things happened and…"
"Yeah…" sighed Bilbo as he relaxed into the couch again.
"Was it a boy or a girl?" asked Bofur after a few minutes of silence.
"A boy."
"The whole school knows, you know," told him Bofur, though Bilbo wasn't sure if he was talking to him or to himself. "Fíli and Kíli, well, mostly Kíli told everyone you had your baby but that's all. They didn't say anything else. And Thorin… I have to admit, I thought he was here with you or that you two were on a romantic getaway or something."
Bilbo snorted at that. "I haven't seen Thorin since we broke up, or heard from him."
"Well then he is officially a missing person," laughed Bofur. "He didn't come to school this week and Fíli and Kíli have no idea where he is. At least that's what they told everyone."
Bilbo shrugged. "I don't really have the energy to deal with Thorin right now. This is his way of getting attention from the people around him and I'm not playing that game. My main priority is school right now."
"Still trying to get a scholarship?"
"The least I can do is try. If I don't get it at least I'll know I tried."
"Die rich or die trying?" laughed Bofur.
"Exactly," smiled Bilbo before turning back to the TV screen.
"So I'll see you back at school tomorrow?"
"Yes, I'll be there," confirmed Bilbo and offered him a smile.
:::
Getting back to school was always easy for him. The first day of school was something he couldn't wait to happen. But not this year. He found out he was pregnant on the first day of school, then lied to his parents about it, told his best friend and then finally confessed to his parents.
This time he was told to stay at home a week after vacation and now was finally the time to go back to school. Without real friends, without his boyfriend, without anything really. He was back to being invisible. Just like he was before he started hanging out with Thorin.
A part of him wondered if Thorin will show up at school. Will he finally see him? Would they even talk or would they pretend they don't know each? Bilbo felt a knot settle in his stomach. He wasn't ready for this. Maybe another week at home wouldn't be such a bad idea. But he wasn't a coward. He would face his fears, he would face everyone who will ask him about the baby and he was determined to do so without crying. He's done enough crying for one lifetime.
He was prepared for this in a way, he thought as he slowly walked to the school. And he expected it. Everyone kept staring at him like, whispering to each other, pointing fingers. He looked different, he knew that and no one expected to see him in school so soon. He just had a baby for crying out loud and now he was back. He could almost hear what they were thinking. Some said that the baby died, which was absurd. Haven't they heard anything that Fíli and Kíli said? Some assumed that there was something wrong with the baby, but most of them guess correctly: adoption.
Some mean things were said about him as he made his way to his locker, but he decided to ignore them. The good thing was that he wasn't the center of attention for long, because soon people realized that there is nothing about him worthy of gossip and they went back doing their own business leaving him alone
The worst was behind him, he thought. But he was wrong so many times before and this time wasn't much different.
An unexpected surprise is what was waiting for him next to his locker. He didn't expect any of this, nor he asked anyone. He thought he was invisible and that everyone was tolerating him because of Thorin, well – almost everyone. There were some people who expressed their opinion or better said disgust over the fact that he was pregnant, he would never imagine that there were people out there thinking of him.
There, right in front of him were two gift bags filled with toys and congratulation cards and other stuff he never expected to receive. Who would do such a thoughtful thing for him, he did not know, but that didn't mean he didn't appreciate the gesture.
He saw a few students stop behind him, but he decided to ignore them. What was he supposed to do with all this stuff? He didn't have a baby who would need them and trying to return the gifts and explain everything would be painful. The easiest solution would be if he could take them over to Thorin's. But he knew he couldn't do that. They made a deal. They were probably taking care of the baby and he was not allowed near him.
He knew it was a bad idea, but he could help himself as he reached for the first few cards that were on top of the bag.
He opened the first one and read it.
Wishing all the happiness to the new parents! May life be especially sweet for you and your little baby!
It was signed with a date and everything and Bilbo almost made a mental note to thank this person, but the problem was that he had no idea who they were.
You must be sooo happy! Wishing you happy moments with your little angel!
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy! May your world be filled with love.
He didn't even know why he opened the second one, or the third one and the fourth one, or the fifth one, but he just couldn't stop. People were wishing the best for him and his baby, congratulating him and some even Thorin on becoming parents, think of them in the best way possible. How disappointed are they going to be when they find out that he didn't keep the baby, that he gave him up for adoption.
He put the cards back in the bag and looked around. Kíli and Fíli were not in school today, he was sure of that, otherwise they would be probably around him right now. He needed to find someone who could deliver these gifts since he couldn't do it personally no matter how much he wanted to do it. Maybe he would get lucky and see him even if only for a second. But that would pain him even more.
Since he couldn't give them to Fíli and Kíli he needed to find one person that could, and he knew exactly where to look.
As expected Ori and Dwalin were sitting on the steps, well Dwalin was, Ori was sitting in his lap, but at the moment he saw him approaching he stood up.
"Bilbo! It's so nice to see you." Ori completely ignored Dwalin for a moment and hugged him. "How have you been?"
Ori realized he made a mistake the moment those words left his mouth. And to tell the truth Bilbo had enough of people walking on eggshells around him.
"I've been better," he sighed. "I have a favor to ask."
"Sure, anything," smiled Ori.
"Could you give this to Thorin?" he asked as he offered him the bags.
"All of it?" asked Ori, surprised. "You don't want to keep it?"
"Why would I?" Bilbo bit back.
"I don't know… As a memory? I was told some of the cards were addressed to you."
"If people knew what was really happening, they wouldn't be. Besides, what am I supposed to do with all these toys," added Bilbo and offered the bags once again to Ori who finally accepted them.
"Well, I'm sure he's going to love them. He's very beautiful-" When Bilbo's eyes snapped up, he knew he had gone too far, he shouldn't have said that. "I mean… We saw him and-"
"Ori," warned Dwalin who noticed that Bilbo wasn't as collected as he was before.
"I'm sorry," said Ori just above a whisper. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"It's fine," told him Bilbo in a broken voice and held himself back from asking more about what they saw. It would only hurt you more, he reminded himself as he tried to pull himself back together.
"Have you seen Thorin?" Dwalin interrupted the uncomfortable silence between them.
"We broke up," informed him Bilbo as if that was supposed to explain everything.
"Oh."
"You did not know?" asked Bilbo.
"We haven't seen Thorin for over a week now. No one has. No one knew you two broke up."
"Isn't this normal for him, to disappear for a few days and then come back all beaten?" Bilbo knew this was a pattern with Thorin, but until now he believed Thorin did it to get people's attention, only now he realized that Thorin obviously knew only one way to deal with the pain.
"For a few days yes, for a week, no. If you see him or talk to him please call me," requested Dwalin just before the bell rang.
Ori immediately said his goodbyes not wanting to be late for class, gave Dwalin a kiss and then hurried inside, leaving Bilbo and Dwalin alone.
"Aren't you going inside?" asked Dwalin.
"No, I think I'll go home, I'm not feeling well."
"Bilbo," called Dwalin after him. "Just don't do anything stupid, Thorin is enough trouble as it."
"Why do you even care what I do? I don't mean anything to you."
"Because no matter what, my best friend loves you and in my book that means you are as important to me as he is."
Bilbo started at Dwalin for a moment before turning around and heading back home. Because Thorin loves you, echoed in his mind. Too bad we are not together anymore, he thought as he made his way home.
:::
Bilbo returned to school the next morning and he managed to stay there through all the classes he had. It wasn't easy. People were staring at him and some of the professors were nicer to him than they usually were. He could live with that, what he couldn't stand was the pitying. Everyone was looking and dealing with him as if he will break the moment they'll speak to him. He hated that feeling.
His parents were determined to talk with him every day after school about everything that has happened and they didn't leave him alone until he told them. He thought he could handle it. The way everyone was avoiding him or the way they were looking at him. He preferred when they called him names to all this pitying.
It took him four days to realize that he couldn't do it anymore. People will forget, his mother told him. Of course they will forget, but he'll be scarred for life before that will happen. He needed to go away, far away from here. Where people didn't look at him that way, where no one knew what happened. Here everything reminded him of things he lost and everything that he went through. He needed to start fresh. Somewhere where people won't know him or his story.
Surprisingly, his parents were easy to convince. They talked about this before, about the possibility of moving away and when he told them what he wanted to do they agreed. Of course they weren't happy about sending their son away, no parent is, but they knew it was for the best. He would stay with their relatives so they could keep an eye on him to prevent him from doing anything stupid, make sure he'll go to school, eat,…
It was decided. He was going to leave this place and leave everything that has happened behind.
Author's notes:
All mistakes are mine.
I decide to split it in two chapters in the last moment. It just made more sense that way since this chapter focused on Bilbo and the next one more on Thorin. Together it was over 10,000 words, but I decided to cut some things away.