Title: (Someday) I Will Show You
Author: OpheliacAngel
Pairings: Sam/Dean
Genres: Family/Romance
Rating: Teen
Summary: Sam gets to thinking about the contrast between how he and Dean approach their own questionable sexuality after accusations fly. Tag to 'Playthings.'
A/N: Written for Day 1 of #queersamweek on tumblr, which is Favorite (potentially) Queer!Sam moment(s).
"Why do these people assume we're gay?"
Sam can't keep his mouth shut on this one, especially when Dean looks so... well... anxious for an answer. "Well, you are kinda butch. Probably think you're overcompensating." It's meant to rile his brother up and it does, that much is obvious in the split second that Dean allows Sam to see his face before he turns it away. There's only a flicker of insecurity and a small degree of discomfort with the topic, but both are there.
Poor, insecure Dean, who might never feel truly comfortable in being who he is. Sam knows his brother too well not to have noticed several instances of Dean's awkwardness around and apparent attraction towards other men. He doesn't normally bring the topic of Dean's sexual preferences up, but hey, he did ask for it not two seconds ago.
It's strange really, because Sam's never cared before about Dean's sexuality, just like he couldn't care less about his own, but he does keep on thinking about his brother's question and his own answer. Maybe to outsiders Dean really does seem butch, especially in contrast with Sam, who is completely comfortable with references to his own questionable sexuality, but to Sam he's just Dean. Dean, his tough, big brother who's always looked out for him and who he's always looked up to.
For the rest of the day and into the next his question just keeps on nagging at him, giving him no reprieve. Maybe it's just finally starting to bug him that nearly everything bugs Dean.
Strangely enough, it's Dean who confronts him about it on the staircase the day later, after Sam's had his little drunk episode the night before.
"That thing you said about me being butch?"
Sam can't help it, his mouth quirks into a smile. It's been bothering Dean too, maybe this accusation by outsiders really was the last straw, for the both of them. "There's nothing wrong with being in touch with your feminine side, Dean." Who knows, maybe teasing Dean will open him up just that little bit, enough for Sam to ease his way inside his brother's rock-hard exterior.
Dean's been shutting him out a lot lately and as silly as this conversation, or rather, lack of one may seem, at least it's something that they're actively trying to talk about.
He stares at him strangely, "Says who?"
"Says me," Sam informs him, leaning forward to lay a hand on Dean's shoulder. He squeezes it in consolation, for what he doesn't exactly know, but it feels right so he doesn't stop himself. He'd rather be thinking about his feminine side than remembering what went on the night before, but sometimes life is cruel. "I shouldn't have put that on you last night."
Dean swallows thickly, brushing Sam's hand off his shoulder and shaking his head. "You were drunk, Sammy. It's all good."
"But it's not, Dean," Sam insists. "I worry about you, worry about what's in that head of yours. You know I'm here, right, Dean? If you ever need to talk. About anything."
If you ever want to talk about the fucked up notion in your head that Dad no doubt put there that it's not okay to be who you are, that it's not okay to like both girls and guys sometimes. No one will judge you, Dean. Especially not me.
Sam has had the privilege to experience a lot more of life than Dean has, since he was able to go to college and hang around a lot of different people with a lot of different interests and a lot of different ideas of what's normal. While Sam was out partying or studying or discovering his own sexuality, Dean was still under the influence of their suffocating father, obeying his every word and having no time in his own 'just as important as Sam's' life to find out more about himself. Sam feels as if it's his job to bring it out, to help Dean be more comfortable in his own skin, in the parts that have never been explored fully.
"Just because you're in touch with your feminine side doesn't mean I need to be, Samantha."
Sam wants to lean forward again, but this time he wants to take Dean's head in his hands and kiss him, wants to show him just how little he cares about Dean's sexuality and just how stupid his insecurity is.
He wants to show Dean what it's like to be kissed by a guy, the thrill of it but also the realization that in the end it means nothing, there is nothing sick or wrong or even monumental about it. Desire is desire and male or female makes no difference, not when there are bigger things out there worthy of their attention. He wants to give Dean the opportunity to kiss him back, needs to tell his brother just how much he loves him, every part of him.
Dean's not ready for that though, and Sam will be damned if he pushes Dean into something like this so soon, something Dean will no doubt make a big deal over. Sam smiles instead, a warm smile that he hopes Dean can read as love and understanding. "Alright, Deanna," he playfully shoves him up against the wall and then brushes past him to continue up the stairs.
So maybe Sam may never know just what exactly is going on in his brother's head, who he desires or tells himself he doesn't desire. Either way, he's not gonna worry about it. When Dean's ready, then he'll listen just like any good brother would.
He's comfortable enough right where he is.
FIN
A/N: Okay, so this turned out to have a lot more Dean in it than I anticipated, but I figured that this particular scene really did involve the two of them, so that's my excuse. Happy #queersamweek!