CHAPTER 46 – A LIFE ON THE LINE

Minutes passed or was it hours? John no longer knew. Time ceased to matter. His mind was not able to focus on anything other than the fact that Nicole was presently undergoing surgery for a gunshot wound, and healthy or not? The point of it was... she might not survive.

He had just found her. If he lost her now? He would simply... cease to exist himself.

Fanciful, much... Sheppard. But you know... you sense it. Soul mates.. for life now. There can be no other. How can there be, when she consumes you from the moment the sun comes up until the moment it goes down? And in between... there is the memories of times spent together. Fight...Nic. For me, for us... I need you to fight.

He paced through the hallways, the litany going through his head. To find someone and then have to let them go. Life was cruel, and he willed her to be strong so that what they had, their connection... would have a chance to strengthen and become a permanent bond.

He had nearly reached the end of his endurance when he got the call. Carson. And his legs obeyed an order he had no recollection giving. They ran to the infirmary and somehow got him in the door with no recollection of having gotten there.

Carson was there... of course he was. Where else would he be when the woman he loved hovered on the brink of death. Carson would no more leave her than he would.

"Colonel.. John. Sit down lad. Before you fall down. You're standing on the edge, lad and it's a damn long way down. We've still got a long way to go... but she came through the surgery... she's alive. That's all we can ask for right now. Go and be with her. She'll know you're there, in that tucked away space that she keeps her emotions and her thoughts. Not much else is working for her right now, but that special place? She'll know you're there."

Carson had tears in his eyes as he looked at the devastated Colonel. He saw the pain.. hell, he felt the pain. It came off him in waves and Carson wished that he could sweep it all up into a pile and simply toss it away in the garbage.

Oh, that life could be that simple.

And so he sat. Beside her bed in the recovery area and watched as the machines monitored her life signs. Stared at her pale skin and the tubes that snaked in a foreboding pattern around her. And felt Ronon's hand on his shoulder when it all became too much.

And at some point he had an idea, and leaving the infirmary he went on the prowl, needing to find two items. Frantic, he asked Teyla to help him and understanding immediately, she sent him back to the infirmary and told him she would bring them to him there. And so he returned, and not long after Teyla walked in with a small smile on her face and two items in her hands, which she carefully transferred to John's hands. He took them, resting them gently on the bed, then tired beyond anything he had experienced before, he put his head down on the bed near her hand and closed his eyes.

It was as though the light suddenly came on. She opened those chocolate brown eyes and looked at him, reaching out a hand to rest gently on his head. His head came up immediately, almost disbelieving and saw that she looked right at him - really looked at him – and that tough Colonel who had fought a thousand wars and seen a thousand deaths... put his head down onto her hands and cried.

"S'ok John... gonna be ok..." Her words were slurred and sleepy and he felt her hand curl into his hair, the only movement she would force herself to do at the moment. Her body felt violated and almost broken. But feeling his tears against her hand. They began the healing process and she smiled. It was gonna be ok.

Then she saw them. Beside his head on the bed – a small bunch of flowers and a cardboard heart and her breath hitched as his head came up and followed her eyes. He had brought her hearts and flowers, and she knew that if she lived a thousand lifetimes, this simple action would never be erased from her memory.

Carson had come running in, relief lighting those kind eyes and he immediately started fussing around with the monitors and checking her vital signs.

"Aaahh lass... you gave us all one hell of a scare."

"No picnic at my end... Carson. But... thank you...for patching me up... gonna beat John's record..."

Carson chuckled and John finally raised his head to look into those chocolate eyes that were now regarding him steadily and with love.

"Hey you...go get some sleep. It's all good...you can yell at me later..."

And at last a brilliant smile lit his face.

It was 'all good' and he now had a lifetime to yell at her. And likely he would, but then they'd simply have the fun of making up. It would be a life of excitement... out here. Nicole inspired those around her to reach for something that was just out of their grasp and that old worn adage... to reach for the stars... came to mind.

He had already reached for them and his life was now amongst them. Now? Now he had a partner who had also spent a life searching – for that perfect photo, that perfect moment.

And as he stood up to leave, watching as those chocolate eyes shut and sleep claimed her once more, he knew he'd found his perfect moment.

Seeing the smile on her face... he hoped also, that she had finally found hers.