Author's Note: Hi everybody! Sorry about the longer than usual wait for the next chapter, but (as some of you may know) I am currently in England and the first week has been a bit busy and crazy with settling in and whatnot...and by whatnot I mean stuff like seeing the Olympic torch relay and shopping and eating...lots of eating...and lots of drinking. As such, this update is shorter than usual, but I'm sure things will calm down next week and I'll be able to write more for Chapter 7!
Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter :)
As usual, I don't own/have anything to do with Skins.
Chapter 6: A Dream
June 30th, 2013
"How long has it been?" Emily asked. She was leaning against the bathroom doorway, tapping her foot impatiently. We both stared intently at the pregnancy test lying on the counter in front of us.
"Weren't you supposed to be taking note of the time?" I asked, finally breaking eye contact with the test to look at Emily incredulously. I'd definitely asked her to keep track of time since I never wore a watch and Emily always did.
Emily bit her lip anxiously and shook her head. "I'm sorry, I just got too excited and forgot. I know it was my only job, I'm so sorry, Naoms," Emily apologized, walking over to me and grabbing my hand tightly. "I'm just so nervous."
"What do you mean?" I asked as I went back to staring at the pregnancy test.
"Well, if it's negative, I'm nervous about how we'll feel and react and whether Cook will want to continue doing this. And if it's positive, I'm nervous about how we'll explain things to my mum and whether Effy will be upset that we've stolen her spotlight. Not to mention once we actually have the baby, we'll be responsible for another human being and all that pressure."
I looked up at Emily, completely flabbergasted. Usually I was the one who was nervous and worrying constantly, coming up with contingency plans for worst case scenarios. To see Emily worrying about the future of our child and how having a child would affect not only our relationship, but also our relationships with our friends and family.
I squeezed Emily's hand reassuringly. "Em," I whispered, breaking her staring contest with the pregnancy test. "I know it's scary and nerve wracking, but the thing is...if I am pregnant, there's nothing we can do about it, so there's no point in worrying. And if I'm not pregnant, then we have more time to figure out how to handle all the things we're worried about right now."
Emily nodded at me and kissed me on the cheek. "I know, love...I suppose I'm overcompensating since you've been so calm about the pregnancy and you're normally the one to worry about all these things."
I nodded at her and pulled her right wrist towards me to check the time on her watch. I smiled slightly. "I think it's time to check the test."
Emily smiled at me and kissed me before we both lifted up the towel that was covering the pregnancy test. I picked the test up off the counter to read it.
Emily's smile fell at the same time mine did.
Negative.
I sighed and threw the test away in the trash bin. "Well...that's that," I said in a quiet voice, and turned to leave the bathroom. I walked past Emily, who was furrowing her brow and biting her lip at me, a sure sign that she was nervous and worried all over again.
She followed me into the living room and sat down next to me on the couch. I picked up my latest pregnancy-related book and continued reading from where I left off.
"Naomi," Emily whispered, taking the book away from me, but being careful to mark my page. "Maybe we should talk about this."
I shrugged at her. "There's nothing to talk about. I'm not pregnant and that's that. We can try again in two weeks."
Emily nodded and leaned into me. "I know that."
I wrapped my arms around Emily, and I knew that at that moment we were both thinking the exact same thing.
If Effy had managed to get pregnant so quickly, then why can't I get pregnant just as quickly? I knew Effy had hormones to help her, but surely I was more fertile than a woman who had premature ovarian failure. It was a horrible thing to think of at that moment, but I couldn't get it out of my head.
A while later, when I went back to reading my book, Emily brought over a small glass of white wine.
"Since you're not pregnant...a little bit can't hurt our chances that much," Emily said with a small smile as she passed me the glass. We both knew that alcohol decreased chances of getting pregnant, but I was starting to feel really down and emotional and I needed something to take the edge off.
Cook had called earlier, having known that we were planning on taking the pregnancy test today and Emily broke the news that we'd be trying again in two weeks. Cook asked to speak to me but I didn't want to talk. I knew I was being a miserable cow, but I really was hoping that we'd get pregnant quickly and just move on with the whole ordeal. Being sent right back to square one seemed so unfair.
I finally understood why people with fertility problems constantly talked about their desire to have children and how unfair it is that people who don't even want children can have them and yet, they can't. Even though we'd only been trying for one cycle, I still felt that same jealousy of straight couples who got pregnant completely by accident.
Later that night, Emily walked into the living room. She found me exactly where she left me – curled up in a blanket she'd brought me and reading my pregnancy book. She'd gone to bed about an hour earlier, and was in her baggy sweat pants and a tourist souvenir top from Paris.
"Darling," Emily said quietly as she came to snuggle up next to me. "It just isn't the same, to get into bed and not having you laying next to me. Even with Libby trying to steal your pillow and snore right next to me."
I pulled her closer to me and kissed the top of her head. "I suppose I should get to bed."
I put my book down on the coffee table and folded up the blanket Emily had draped over me. Em grabbed my hand and pointed to the clock.
"It's 11:11. Make a wish," She said with a small smile. I closed my eyes and wished hard, knowing that Emily and I were both wishing for the same thing; a beautiful, healthy baby to join our family.
Emily looked up at me and kissed me firmly, and I put all my hopes and dreams for our family into that kiss and hoped that she could feel it. She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her tightly, returning my kiss just as passionately as I had.
"I love you, Naomi," she whispered. Her bottom lip began to quiver and a lone tear fell down her cheek. "I wish so badly that we could have a baby of our own. That I could get you pregnant. But I know that I can't, and really, it's okay, because I know that any child that is part of you will capture my heart just as quickly as you did."
I didn't know what to say so I kissed her again, and followed her into the bedroom. Emily undressed me as I cried, partly because I was so moved by what she'd just said, and partly because I was just starting to realize how difficult this was going to be. Not only was getting pregnant going to be difficult, but dealing with all the emotions that it brought to the surface would be difficult as well. I already felt jealous of Effy and was also a bit mad at Cook, since his sperm didn't manage to get me pregnant. Sometimes I felt like pushing Emily away, and other times I was unnecessarily clingy.
Emily slipped my nightshirt over my head and turned down the bed for me. Ever since we'd decided to try to get pregnant, Emily had decided that now she had to be the big spoon and I had to be the little spoon, even though she was shorter than me and I'd always been the big spoon before. We got into bed just as we usually did, with Emily pulling me in tightly to her and kissing the bare skin of my shoulder. Libby settled at our feet and immediately started snoring again.
"Soon we'll have our baby in here with us," Emily whispered against me. "I can feel it."
"I hope so, love," I whispered back. It was almost too big a wish to say too loudly, so I felt like I had to whisper it. "Goodnight, Em. Love you."
"Love you too, Naoms."
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