Author's Note: Thanks so much for all the amazing reviews on the previous chapters! I figured since you guys have been so awesome lately, I'll work extra hard and write extra fast and get out a bonus!update this week :) I'm slowly working on replying to reviews, starting with reviews left on the last chapter so if you left a review, you've either heard from me already or are about to hear from me soon!

Also, I keep forgetting to mention that the titles of the chapters are also song titles, so for this chapter give Walking by the Dodos a listen if you like. Last chapter was Believer by Susanna and the Magical Orchestra :)

As usual, I don't own Skins.

Chapter 9: Walking

July 6th, 2013

I woke up that morning wrapped up in Cook's arms on the couch. I could feel how red and swollen my eyes were from crying myself to sleep last night as they were stinging pretty badly. The house was completely silent. Everybody was still asleep. I kissed Cook on the cheek and unwrapped myself from within his arms, a practice I was pretty used to. Cook and I always used to fall asleep together, and oddly enough, we'd both be there in the morning. We were the two people you'd least expect to hang around after sleeping with each other – Cook ran from anything that could bring him happiness, and I used to run from pretty much anything that resembled a relationship. But nonetheless, we would wake up in each other's arms every morning after we had been together.

I walked into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face and brushed my teeth. I walked into the bedroom and watched Emily as she slept. She usually slept facing the bureau, because I slept facing that way and Emily had become the big spoon lately. But that night, Emily slept facing the window, the completely opposite direction. Libby was on my side of the bed, sprawled out on her back and snoring. I walked over to the bed and pushed Libby to the side, climbing in behind Emily. I wrapped my arms around her. Part of her back was revealed by her camisole, and I kissed her skin gently and softly, hoping not to wake her up.

"I'm scared," I whispered against her skin, breathing in a smell that was uniquely Emily. "I'm scared for us. You're scaring me. I'm scaring me."

I kissed the skin of Emily's back again, and brushed her hair away from her neck. "I'm so scared, Em."

I laid there for a while longer, just breathing Emily in and kissing her skin as gently as possible. Eventually, I climbed back out of bed and got dressed, putting on leggings and a baggy jumper. I grabbed the house keys and snuck out as quietly as I possibly could.

I walked to my mum's house, knowing that she'd be awake and she'd know just what to tell me about Emily.

I walked up to the front door and knocked gently. I heard rustling from the kitchen and tired feet drag towards the front door.

"Hi, Mum," I said as my mum opened the door and looked at me in surprise. She didn't say anything but opened the door wider, inviting me in.

"Where's Kieran?" I asked. I followed Mum into the kitchen, where I heard the kettle boiling.

"He's visiting family for the weekend," my mum answered as she pulled an extra mug from the cupboard and started making me a cup of tea. "I don't mean to be offensive, love, but you look like shit."

I nodded at her and felt my eyes well up. "I feel like shit, mum."

My mum turned around and noticed that I was crying, and rushed over to me with a concerned look on her face. She smoothed my hair away from my forehead and brushed away my tears. "Naomi, what's wrong, love?"

I grabbed mum by the waist and pulled her closer to me, burying my face in her robe as I cried like an absolute baby. "It's Em, she's keeping secrets again," I cried as my mum continued to smooth my hair back. "I'm terrified of what she's not telling me."

I felt my mum sigh heavily. "You have to start from the beginning here, darling."

So I told her everything. About how we wanted to start a family, about us choosing to use Cook as our donor, about Katie and Effy getting pregnant so quickly, and I even told her about last night and how Cook comforted me and kissed me.

After I was finished, Mum sat at the table for a few minutes in silence, staring at her hands and frowning.

"What is it?" I asked when mum finally looked up at me. Her eyes looked sad and worried.

"It's Cook. I know we don't usually talk about this, Naoms, but you and Cook had more than just a 'thing' as you liked to call it. You slept with each other for two years! I know you never labeled it or anything, but you two slept exclusively with each other for two years. That's something," my mum said as she continued to frown and stare at her hands.

"What's your point, mum?" I asked, feeling completely out of the loop. "Cook and I were just friends who had sex."

My mum shook her head and her frown got even deeper. "I never told you this before, Naoms, but you really need to know. I just didn't think it would be a problem and you were so happy with Emily, I didn't think anything would come of it," my mum said, mumbling a bit to herself. She looked up finally, directly at me. "When you left for Toronto around Christmastime, you know, just before you met Emily, Cook showed up here late that night. He was drunk and I'd never seen him so upset. He said he didn't know what to do, that he loved you but you didn't love him back. I told him that he had to talk to you about how he felt, and that you two would hopefully work things out.

"Then when you were coming home and you got stuck in Paris, as soon as Cook found out he almost drove all the way to London to catch a ferry to France and bring you back home. He missed you so much. I had to stop him and tell him you were already on your way, but I didn't mention Emily."

"And then I came home with Emily on my arm," I said, my eyes wide and my mind racing. My mum nodded at me and squeezed my shoulder tightly.

"He was heartbroken, Naoms."

I nodded and buried my head in my hands. "I just need a minute to think."

I couldn't say that I was completely shocked by what my mum had just told me. I always knew Cook cared for me, and even loved me, but I never thought it was anything more than friendship. I found myself looking back on the past 5 years of my life and wondering 'what if?' What if Cook and I had managed to sort everything out before I met Emily? What if I had been dating Cook when I met Emily? Would it have changed anything? Would I be married to Cook now instead of being married to Emily?

Would I have been happier with Cook?

Would I even be friends with Emily?

Would Cook and I have a child of our own by now?

The questions plagued my mind and soared before my eyes. My brain answered each question with a mental picture, each scenario that had shaped my life over the past few years changed. Instead of proposing to Emily on that bridge in France, I saw Cook proposing to me on the bridge. Instead of exchanging rings with Emily, I was vowing to be with Cook for the rest of my life. I saw myself holding a baby with striking blue eyes and blonde hair, and handing her to Cook, who smiled at her as though she was the most precious thing in the world before he leaned over to kiss me.

My mum rubbed my back gently, and I didn't move.

"This hasn't helped me at all, mum," I mumbled into my hands. My mum sighed and rubbed my back.

"I'm sorry, love. You needed to know."

I spent an hour at my mum's kitchen table with my head buried in my hands, trying to process everything that was going through my head. I felt completely lost. I still had no clue what Emily was hiding from me, but now I knew that Cook had also been hiding his feelings from me. It just made everything ten times more confusing.

"What are you going to do?" My mum asked as I got up and gathered my things. I shrugged.

"It all depends," I mumbled as I slipped my cell phone and house keys into my pocket.

"On what?" Mum probed as she loaded the dishwasher.

"I don't know yet," I mumbled. Mum hugged me and lead me to the front door, wishing me good luck as I walked back home.

I wasn't sure what I had to deal with first. Cook would probably still be at the apartment when I got home, but I couldn't really have a conversation about his feelings for me with him while Emily was still at home. But then again, I couldn't confront Emily about her keeping secrets from me while Cook was in the apartment. And even more importantly, I had to be very careful with what I said to Cook – I needed him to still want to be our donor. I needed that more than anything now. I couldn't handle another change in plans right now.

I walked into the apartment, an eerie silence washing over me. I looked towards the couch and noticed that Cook wasn't there anymore. There was a rumpled piece of scrap paper on the coffee table. I locked the door behind me and went to sit on the couch, picking up the scrap piece of paper and reading the messily scrawled note.

Naomikins,

Went home to shower. Ems is still asleep. Phone me later and let me know when you want me to jerk off in a cup for you. I think you said next weekend, but I can't remember for sure.

Love,

James

Cook was right – the next insemination was supposed to be next weekend. It just put more pressure on me to get everything resolved quickly. I really didn't want to have to postpone getting pregnant because of things that were going on between Emily and I, or things that were going on between Cook and I.

I heard light footsteps padding against the floor behind me and crumpled the note up.

"Good morning," Emily whispered. I heard her groan as she stretched. "What's that?"

I looked up and saw Emily pointing at the crumpled piece of paper in my hands.

"Oh...just a note from Cook saying he left and asking when the next insemination is," I replied, getting up from the couch and tossing the note in the bin.

"Oh," Emily replied, trailing off as she walked into the kitchen. I heard the kettle start to rumble, and I knew then that I couldn't put this off any longer.

"Em," I called as I followed her into the kitchen. Emily was facing the kettle, her hands gripping the countertop tightly, her back tense. "We need to talk."

She turned to face me, spinning round quickly. "Yeah, we really do."

I was shocked, but happy. Emily was finally ready to come clean and talk to me about what was going on with her.

"I saw you last night," She said, her voice short and angry.

I frowned. What did she mean?

"Don't play fucking stupid with me, Naomi, you know what you did just as much as I do."

I frowned at her and shook my head. "I really don't know what you mean, Em."

"You kissed Cook!" She exploded. Her face was bright red with her rage, her eyes wide and furious, and her body language was telling me to stay the fuck away from her.

I suppose laughing at that moment was a bad idea. Emily practically growled at me.

"No, no, Em! Cook was just comforting me!"

"With his lips?"

I frowned. "It was just a kiss between two friends. It didn't mean anything to me."

I made sure to add in the "to me" bit. I wasn't sure what it meant to Cook anymore.

"Fine, what was he comforting you for then?" Emily asked, folding her arms across her chest and tapping her foot angrily.

"I was upset about us," I replied completely honestly. This time, Emily frowned. "You're hiding something from me, Emily."

Emily stiffened and rolled her eyes. "For fuck's sake, Naoms, we went through this with Dr. Greene. I am not hiding anything from you. You're being paranoid again."

I walked over to Emily, taking two tentative steps closer to her before I sensed I shouldn't go any closer. I didn't want to make her feel trapped by me.

"Dr. Greene also said I should trust my instincts when it comes to you. I know something's up."

The kettle boiled and Emily turned her back to me, busying herself by making a cup of tea.

"Em, please, can't we talk about this?" I begged, walking behind Emily and grabbing her hips gently. I kissed her shoulder and felt Emily immediately stiffen beneath me.

"Do you think you can just fuck off, please?" Emily replied through gritted teeth. I stepped away from her right away, hurt by her tone of voice and her word choice. Emily had never told me to fuck off before. Emily barely even swore at me when she was angry. I'd never seen her act this way before, and now I was even more scared than I was before. I knew Emily would never hurt me or raise a hand to me, but I knew she had the power to hurt me much worse than any physical mark.

"Ok," I whispered, my voice cracking.

I walked out of the kitchen and went into our bedroom to make the bed. After I finished doing that, I went into the office and organized the bookshelves.

And then I logged onto the computer and made an online appointment with Dr. Greene, making sure to forward the confirmation email to Emily.

I wasn't going to let her push me away like this. Not again. Never again.

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