Chapter Twenty: Is She Back?

There was a stinging sensation in his neck, but his head remained firmly attached. Carefully, he opened one eyelid to see why he wasn't dead—not that he was complaining about this fact. River appeared to be frozen. She was like a beautiful porcelain figure caught in time. She held her attack stance, and she held the sword firmly to Mal's flesh. But, nothing moved. Even her eyes refused to blink.

"River?" Mal spoke softly.

Her arm shook slightly at the sound of his voice. He attempted to move away, but the blade slid deeper into his skin. Any sudden movement would force the sword right through him. Either his head would roll or he would bleed to death, and he didn't like anything about those options. Instead, he opted for holding his hands in the air as a sign of surrender. There was something in her face that he saw. Fear? Pain? Remembrance? Whatever it was, it told him that she was fighting herself and he needed to help.

"Sweetheart, it's me. It's your captain. You don't have to do this. I know who you are. You're a person, actual and whole, and you don't have to be their assassin anymore. You're stronger than anybody I've met. If anyone can beat their training, it's you. Just drop the sword, darlin'."

Her hands tightened their grip on her weapon.

"Okay," he relented. "I know you don't like hurting anyone. I know you don't want to do this. You know it too. I know you do. Remember those first two rules of flying? Love and trust. You got them in you, so listen to them. Come home, River. We want you back."

Though her eyes glistened with unshed tears, the sharp blade pushed harder on him. Clearly, his attempts weren't strong enough. Maybe they weren't even the right approach. They stood there in a standoff. He wouldn't look away from her face, and her gaze never faltered. Then, in a flashback, he heard the doctor's words.

"Love is a funny thing, Captain. It makes a person stronger than they could ever hope to be, but it also makes them the weakest. In my mind, love can do just about anything as long as we use our weakness as a strength."

Dryly, he prepared his voice for possibly the last words he would ever speak. "I've had something I want to tell you for a long time. It's taken me a while to understand this, but there's this pilot that once told me that we can't change the past…but that doesn't mean our future has to be empty. I knew what that meant, but I didn't want to feel it. I've been scared. Not something I admit. I lost Inara and nearly lost myself. But, there you were. A mite younger. As troubled as me. Someone I didn't want to hurt. Mean old captain like me playing with a sweet girl's heart? No way. Then, I realized that was only a way out. The pure truth is that I'm afraid of you hurting me. Losing you was my greatest fear. And, it's happening. I guess what I'm trying to say in all this rambling is that I…well, I sort of…maybe…who am I kiddin' here? I love you. If it doesn't matter to you, I want you to send my skull rollin' down this hallway."

Silence. He swallowed the knot in his throat and simply waited. This was certainly not the way he wanted to tell her, but maybe it was supposed to happen like it did. Maybe he was supposed to wait so that he could bring her back. He wasn't sure if she heard him. The assassin remained unmoving. A few tears had spilt from her cheeks, and her arm was wavering just enough to be noticeable. Then, it happened.

The clang of the sword ran through the generator. Its sharp point narrowly avoided going through Mal's boot, and River backed away from it until she hit the wall. Her hands covered her ears while her body trembled with sobs. He could see deep lines on her face from the distress, and he figured that she was in a war of her own. The girl had to fight off her training, and apparently Mal had given her the fuel she needed.

He carefully crouched in front of her without touching or reaching to her. She screamed, which caused Mal to jump slightly. Right after that, it was quiet. She stopped shaking. Her eyes fell on Mal's face and she weakly murmured, "Captain?"

"Yeah. It's me. Is it you?"

She faintly nodded before collapsing in a puddle on the ground. He scrambled to pick her up and feel her pulse. Her heart was fine from what he could tell, but she was cool to the touch. His arms gathered her into a neat ball and he took off for the exit. When he got there, Zoe and Jayne had just finished the last few. They had those special projectiles poking from their vests as if they were dart boards. When they heard Mal, they stopped to look.

"River, is she…?" Zoe questioned.

Mal glanced at her peaceful face. "She's back from what I can tell. I need to get her to Simon."

"We'll check the area in case there are more soldiers," Zoe decided as she motioned to Jayne to follow her.

Upon reaching the ship, Simon ran into the cargo bay and right to River. He checked her pulse and felt her temperature. "Is she back?"

"I think. She just passed out."

"The stress probably sent her blood pressure through the roof. Or, it could be some kind of defense program the Alliance engineered. Something to stop them if they escaped their orders. We need to get her into the infirmary."

Mal carried her inside and Simon got to work. The fainting was only from stress and exhaustion, so all she needed to do was sleep. Though they didn't like it, Mal and Simon agreed to restrain her until they knew for certain if she came home. Simon treated the slice in Mal's neck, which only required a few stitches, and Zoe and Jayne returned to check on River as Simon had just finished with Mal. The area was clear, which meant they could stay in place for just a little while.

"You don't have to stay, Captain," Simon informed him softly. "I've given her some soothers so that she can sleep. By the looks of it, she hasn't slept or eaten since her mission. I wanted to get her as much rest as I could. It'll be hours before she regains consciousness. I can keep watch over her."

He shook his head. "I ain't going anywhere."

"Fair enough."

The men sat on either side of her in a somber hush. While they waited, Zoe and Jayne left the ship to visit the graves of Wash and Book. Kaylee spent a lot of time with Simon and Mal, making sure to bring them both food and coffee. Four hours in, Simon was leaning on Kaylee with worry. Mal twiddled his thumbs for the same reason. What if she had just tricked him so she could get on the ship? What if she was only okay for a moment?

Six hours after bringing her home, River began to stir. Mal and Simon stood while Kaylee hid behind her husband, just in case River was actually the assassin and not the pilot. Simon leaned in and whispered, "Mei mei, it's Simon. How are you feeling?"

River's eyes cracked open and she stared at him for a lingering moment. Everyone began to get very nervous. She wasn't talking. She wasn't moving. Then, she groggily yawned. "Simon?"

"Yes. You're back on Serenity. Are you all right?"

"They made her do it," River began to cry. "She didn't want to dance. She didn't want to. Not with her brother. Her family. Had to. Needles in the brainpan. Squish. Squish. Gone. She's back now. Mostly. Pieces of her are broken. Missing. They have them."

Simon looked at her strangely. "They have them?"

"They always will. Memories. Coding. Never gone. Always ready for reactivation…" she paused and glanced at her stomach. "I'm hungry."

The doctor felt tears in his eyes as he hugged his sister tightly. "Welcome home, River. We'll get you something."

Kaylee briskly ran up to River and hugged her close. "Shiny! My sister-in-law is back! It's not the same without you, River. We was so worried."

The married couple exited the infirmary to give Mal some time alone with River. She looked at him and made a peculiar face. "You talked to me. You broke the program."

"Yeah."

"Didn't expect it. Didn't prepare her for it."

It was his turn to have a weird expression. "Didn't prepare for what?"

"You. What did you say?"

His heart sunk. "You don't remember?"

"Too blurry. Just know the feeling. Felt like…warmth. Entirety. Unequivocal joy."

"Oh, well, I just said…" he took a breath and quickly spit it out. "Iloveyou."

She blinked. "Talked too fast. What did you say?"

"Hey, moonbrain!" Jayne exclaimed as he bounded into the infirmary.

Mal huffed. Why? Why couldn't he just say those three little words without it getting all sorts of messed up?

"I see you're here," Jayne gruffly commented as he lightly patted her on the shoulder. "You scare the hell out of me sometimes, but it's good to get the gorram pilot back. This ship ain't flyin' right without you at the controls."

She smiled at her unusual friend. "Good to be home, girl's name."

"Oh, ha-ha. Zoe wanted me to tell you that she'll be down later. She…uh…she needs a few minutes."

Mal completely understood. "It's hard seeing your husband's grave, I conjure."

"Yeah. She ain't over him," Jayne responded without emotion.

"You two ain't…anymore?" Mal wondered.

Jayne smirked. "Na, it's not that. We're not gonna really try for anything or nothin'. Just gonna see what might happen is all. Nice and slow-like. I wouldn't want to step on Wash's shoes. I got respect for him."

"Jayne…" Mal chuckled. "You're gettin' soft on me."

"You take that back, Mal!"

He shook his head. "Go upstairs and write a real sweet love song for your girl. Maybe bake her a cake with a poem written on it. You'd be good at it, the way you've gotten. All fuzzy like."

Grumbling, Jayne stalked off and Mal was left with River. He went to open his mouth, and Simon and Kaylee returned with food. Mal excused himself and went to his bunk. Cursing, he plopped down on his bed with force. It shouldn't be so hard to tell someone something so important. Of course, in the face of death he was willing to say it, but now the nerves were getting to him again. What if she didn't remember because she didn't want to? Then again, it did bring her back and she did say that it made her feel good things. He decided with resolve that he had to tell her as soon as possible.

Thus, near bedtime, he went to the infirmary. Nobody other than River was there. He checked the cargo bay, passenger dorms, and the stairs. Nobody. No more interruptions. No more excuses. He took a deep breath and walked right into the infirmary. River looked up from a book and smiled at him. He momentarily forgot where he even was at that stunning sight.

"Come here," she commanded while patting the space beside her.

He went and uncomfortably tried to join her on the table. She slid onto his lap so they'd fit, and he cleared his throat and hoped the intoxicating feeling of having her back in his arms wouldn't cloud his mind. "River, I have to say—"

"Read," she interrupted as she held the book to him. "So I can sleep."

"I'm really tryin' to talk here."

"Tomorrow," she assured him. "Too exhausted. Please read. I want to hear your voice."

Smiling softly, he looked at the cover of the book. Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. That was so very River.

Upstairs, the others gathered in the kitchen for a snack. Suddenly, Jayne had a realization. "Has anybody heard 'bout the messages we sent?"

"They're talking about it all over the Cortex," Simon confirmed. "No one knows what's going to happen just yet."

"Let's hope we aren't targeted because of what we've done this time," Zoe sighed. "That'd be our luck."

Jayne haughtily scoffed. "If it's anythin' like those sorry excuses we've seen so far, we can take 'em just fine."

"The important thing is that we got River back. That's really all we wanted," Kaylee brightly reminded everyone.

Zoe chuckled to herself. "And that brings our captain back."

"I say they're gettin' together!" Kaylee decided.

"I don't know. It wouldn't really be a good time, given all that she's been through…" Simon disputed.

Jayne howled with laughter. "Who are we kiddin' here? They've been together. They just don't know it yet. Zoe and I still have our bet. Who wants in?"

"I'll say they won't," Simon smirked with certainty.

Kaylee scoffed. "They will."

"Now this bet is getting interesting," Jayne chuckled.

Downstairs, River had drifted into sleep against Mal's chest. He carefully readjusted her hair and wanted to wake her just to admit his feelings. But, maybe it wasn't the right time. Maybe he had to wait some more. However, he wasn't sure if he could handle it…