Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I think I replied to every single review :)
The title of this chapter is after the song Let Down by Radiohead. I recommend listening to the song while reading the chapter.
And as usual, I don't own or have anything to do with Skins.
Chapter 10: Let Down
July 9th, 2013
I waited outside Dr. Greene's office for Emily, who had promised to meet me ten minutes ago so we wouldn't be late for our appointment. I twirled my watch around my wrist and sighed, feeling anxious about what would happen during the appointment and also disappointed that Emily hadn't stuck to her word and arrived on time.
Emily walked in just as Dr. Greene was greeting me. She didn't look out of breath or as though she was worried about being late. She pulled her sunglasses onto the top of her head, pushing her hair away from her face. She was dressed in a pair of black linen pants and a belted striped top. Ever since she'd gotten the new job working with Stacey at her events business, Emily started dressing in a more business casual manner than she had before as a freelance makeup artist.
Dr. Greene smiled warmly at Emily and invited us into her office. We sat down in our usual spots, but it felt obvious that things had changed. We had sat in here on a weekly basis at the exact same time last year and supposedly worked through most of our issues, and now we were back again.
"So, I have to just get right to it and ask – what's going on between you two?" Dr. Greene asked, frowning as she pulled out her notepad and pen. "Your body language is completely different."
Emily nodded and looked at me quickly before looking back at Dr. Greene. "We're going through...I don't know...a rough patch I suppose."
"When did this start?" Dr. Greene asked, immediately beginning to take notes.
"About two weeks ago," I responded. Dr. Greene nodded and mumbled 'good' under her breath.
"Well, I'm glad you two didn't wait to come in. You both know how important it is to deal with issues that arise in your relationship, and if you can't do it between the two of you then you will always be welcome here."
Emily nodded. "We've been trying to conceive. Naomi wants to be the carrier and we found a donor. We started trying about a month ago. Two weeks ago, we took a test and it came back negative. Ever since then, we've had trouble communicating with each other."
Dr. Greene looked to me for confirmation and I nodded. "But I don't think it's solely an issue of communication anymore. I think Emily is hiding something from me, which I suppose is an issue in communication, but it's stemming from the stress of trying to get pregnant."
"And I saw Naomi kissing our sperm donor on Friday night," Emily added, throwing me a dirty look.
"And Emily told me to fuck off for the first time on Saturday, and on Friday afternoon she worked herself up so much that she was almost in hysterics because I turned my cell phone off on the train and she didn't have a way to contact me."
Dr Greene was frantically writing and nodding with each of our points. Just as Emily was about to speak after shooting me a dirty look, Dr. Greene raised her hand to silence the both of us.
"Okay, we have a lot of work to do here and a lot of things to talk about. Primarily, Naomi, let's talk about the kiss."
I sighed and nodded. "The sperm donor is my best friend. I was crying because of all the things going on between Emily and I and he kissed me, no tongue or anything, just a friendly kiss to comfort me. It meant nothing to either of us. He was just being my friend."
Emily scoffed and crossed her arms in front of her. "Yeah, but she doesn't mention that they've had a relationship before."
I was shocked. I didn't remember telling her about Cook and I. "How the hell did you know about that?"
"Effy let it slip one day during lunch. I didn't think anything of it until now! How am I supposed to trust you with him if you had a relationship with him?" Emily asked.
"But it wasn't a relationship!" I exclaimed, exasperated that we were focusing so much on that one stupid kiss. "We had sex! I never went on a date with him. I don't think we had sex sober even once! I had no feelings for him, other than knowing that he was good in bed."
Dr Greene interrupted just as Emily was about to cut in again. "How long did the sexual relationship between you and your best friend last?"
I tensed up slightly and looked down at my hands. "About two years."
"And when was your last sexual encounter with him?"
"About a year and a half ago," I reluctantly admitted. I watched as Emily did the mental math and turned bright red.
"You were with Cook while you were with me?" She exclaimed, startling Dr. Greene.
"No! No! It was right before I left for Toronto. I haven't been with anyone apart from you since I met you," I said as calmly as I possibly could. Emily crossed her arms and refused to look at me.
"Emily," Dr Greene said, basically demanding that Emily looked at her. "What stage are you at right now?"
I frowned, completely confused at the turn in the conversation. Emily frowned as well, but in a more disappointed way.
"I don't know. I feel completely out of control of my life. I feel betrayed and hurt and confused," Emily replied as her eyes filled up with tears. "I felt safe and happy a month ago when we started trying for the baby, but ever since we found out that Naomi wasn't pregnant..."
Emily trailed off, accepting the tissues I handed her. Dr. Greene urged her on.
"I know it didn't happen this way, but it felt like I lost another baby. I thought maybe I did something wrong. And then the flashbacks started again," Emily said quietly while Dr. Greene nodded. I still felt a bit confused at the turn in conversation, but it was obvious that we were now talking about Emily and the aftermath of her rape.
"Flashbacks of what exactly?" Dr Greene pressed. Emily took a deep breath and closed her eyes.
"Sometimes I'm just going about my day and suddenly I stop and I'm re-living the whole rape inside my head, and other times I'm re-living the abortion. I haven't been sleeping well. I used to sleep fine in Naomi's arms, but after we started trying for a baby I couldn't sleep that way anymore, with her holding me. I thought maybe if I held her it would change, and it did for a while until we found out that she wasn't pregnant."
Dr Greene had stopped writing and was now listening intently to Emily, much as I was.
"Why was that Emily?"
"I didn't feel like I had to protect her or the baby anymore, since there wasn't a baby to protect."
I buried my head in my hands. I knew Emily was being honest and that in the long-run it would be healthier for us all, but I had a horrible feeling that this was just another indicator that Emily wasn't ready to have a family.
"I'm sorry," Emily whispered. She reached over to me and tried to grab my hand and pry it away from my face but I wouldn't budge.
"Emily," Dr Greene said, calling Emily's attention back to her. "Why don't you want to protect Naomi anymore?"
"I...I don't know," Emily said, her voice tight with unshed tears. "I love her, she's my wife. I used to want to protect her all the time."
Dr Greene nodded and wrote a short note. "Emily, you're still in stage two, just like you were last year. You aren't moving forward. You have to let go of a bit of that control you so desperately want."
Emily nodded and blew her nose. "Do you trust your wife, Emily?" Dr Greene asked. I still hadn't moved and still had my head buried in my hands. I almost didn't want to know the answer to the question.
"Of course," Emily answered without any hesitation.
"Then you have to trust that Naomi wants the best for you and for the family you two are building together. Naomi would never lead you into any harm or intentionally hurt you."
I felt Emily's eyes on me as I finally started to move and sit back up. "I know that," Emily whispered as she reached for my hand again. This time, I let her take it.
Dr Greene made a much longer note on her notepad and we all sat in silence for a few minutes.
"Emily, is there anything you need to tell Naomi here that you've been neglecting to tell her for the past few weeks?" Dr Greene asked, looking at Emily straight in the eye with her brow raised.
Emily shook her head. "I think I got everything out already," She replied, squeezing my hand reassuringly.
Dr Greene turned to me and asked me the same question and I replied in the same way as Emily.
"Okay. I think it's best if you two show up next week, just for a follow up to make sure there are no other issues that need to be discussed at the moment. If anything else comes up, write it down and bring it to the next appointment so you don't forget about it or push it aside," Dr Greene said as she put her notepad and pen away.
"Should we... postpone trying for a baby?" I asked, pulling my hand away from Emily's and reaching for my handbag. I was trying to give myself something to do so I wouldn't show how upset I would be if Dr. Greene told us to wait.
Dr Greene smiled and shrugged. "That's something you two will have to decide for yourselves. I can't give you all the answers."
Emily nodded and we both shook Dr. Greene's hand as we left the office.
"Therapy dinner tonight at 6?" I asked Emily as we left the office. She nodded and kissed me on the cheek before leaving to go back to work.
Emily and I had invented therapy dinners for the nights after we would come home from couple's therapy. Usually, we would talk about how we felt during the session and try to address any issues we had with what was said. For a change, I would cook most therapy dinners, and we would try to make them as calm and relaxed as we possibly could.
I walked home, passing by the mall and avoiding looking at the children's clothing shops. I started to feel jealous whenever I would look at the women and children shopping in those shops, so I avoided them to preserve my sanity.
When I got out of the elevator of the apartment building, I saw Cook sitting outside our front door. I had thought he was supposed to be working, so I was surprised to see him.
"Hey," I called, grabbing my keys from my handbag. "What are you doing here?"
Cook shook his head and didn't look at me. "I just needed you. Needed to talk to you," Cook replied. He got up and moved out of my way so I could open the door. He wasn't his usual happy self, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen Cook so down.
I let him into the house and shut the door behind him. Libby barked and yapped at Cook and I as soon as she saw us, but Cook didn't play with her like he usually did. I shushed Libby and sent her to lay in her basket.
"What's going on?" I asked Cook, cutting straight to the chase. Seeing him so upset was unnerving me.
Cook sighed and went to sit down on the couch. "Paddy's moving. Well, mum's moving to Glasgow and taking Paddy with her."
I sat down next to Cook and grabbed his hand. I pulled him by the shoulder so he was leaning on me, and eventually he was laying on my lap.
"Why does everyone I love end up leaving me, Naoms? I don't have anyone. No family. No girlfriend. I don't see JJ anymore ever since Lara had the new baby, and Freddie fucked off to god knows where," Cook mumbled, playing with the fringe of my skirt absentmindedly. I threaded my fingers through his hair, knowing how much it relaxed him. "I just want someone to stay with me."
"I'm so sorry, Cook," I whispered, continuing to run my fingers through his hair. "I promise, I'll never leave you."
Cook nodded against me, and as time passed he became more relaxed and his breathing wasn't as fast as it was before. He had fallen asleep. I'd never seen Cook so upset or so fragile. Cook was never the type of man to just lay down on my lap and seek comfort in me. Usually it was me seeking comfort in him. It was nice to be able to repay him for all the nights he spent holding me while I cried and telling me that everything would be alright.
Two hours and three crappy TV shows later, I woke Cook up so I could get started on dinner for Emily and I. I didn't explain to Cook what Emily had said about our relationship or the baby earlier, and he simply hugged me and left.
Emily came home late that night, even though she knew we were supposed to be having a therapy dinner. We were never late for therapy dinners. She hadn't even texted or phoned to let me know she was going to be late.
I sat at the dinner table alone. I had lit candles and put a tablecloth and a vase of azaleas on the table. Dinner had long gone cold by the time Emily got home.
Libby had sat by the door and waited for Emily as she did every night, but grew tired of sitting and staring at the door. She ran to the office where she hid all her toys, and ran back as quickly as she could with her favourite chew toy, as though she was afraid that she'd miss welcoming Emily home within the 10 seconds it took for her to grab her toy.
"Hello, darling!" Emily said as she walked in and Libby barked at her and jumped on her legs. Emily fussed over Libby for longer than usual before standing and grabbing her things.
"Hey," she said, looking at me cautiously. She took in the set dinner table, the candles that had burned almost completely to their base, the fresh flowers and the freezing cold meal laid out on the table. "I'm late."
I nodded at her and got up, walking to the bathroom. I shut the door, made sure I locked it, and stripped off my clothes. I turned on the shower and let it warm up for a few seconds before jumping in and crying. That's the nice thing about crying in the shower – the water hides your tears.
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