Author's Note: I'm so sorry this chapter is a week late! I was supposed to update last Sunday but couldn't as I was packing and organizing a trip to London for my sister and I. We had a really great time and now I'm back at home and back to the usual updating schedule - every Sunday!

Thanks so much to those who reviewed the last chapter and to everybody who continues to read even if they don't leave a review (but I really do love the reviews lol)

I recommend listening to "Breath of Life" by Florence and the Machine while you're reading this chapter.

As usual, I don't own or have anything to do with Skins.

Chapter 11: Breath of Life

Friday, July 12th, 2013

Emily and I hadn't exactly been on the best of terms since our couple's therapy on Tuesday. Actually, that would be an understatement. Emily and I weren't exactly on speaking terms since our couple's therapy on Tuesday. I hadn't asked her why she was late to our therapy dinner and Emily never bothered to explain. We hadn't mentioned anything about the insemination we were supposed to be doing this weekend, so I phoned Cook last night to tell him it was cancelled and that we wouldn't need his "services" this month. Since he knew Emily and I were having problems, he understood right away.

It was a quiet Friday afternoon that I usually spent typing away on my laptop to finish my week's article before submitting it to my editor for 5 o'clock. But today, I spent my Friday afternoon cleaning. I hated cleaning. I had finished my article late Thursday evening in an effort to avoid Emily. I needn't have worried as Emily didn't bother to come home until 4 in the morning that day.

The house phone rang, interrupting my lack-lustre cleaning. I dropped the duster on the floor, not really giving a shit about where exactly it landed.

"Hello?" I answered in an uninterested voice.

"Hey, are you doing anything next Tuesday?" Effy asked, sounding bright and cheery. "Katie and I were thinking of having a small get-together to celebrate the one-month anniversary of us finding out we're pregnant."

I sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of my nose. "I dunno, Eff, I'd really love to be there but things aren't so easy right now."

"Oh. Are you going to tell me what's going on?" Effy questioned, starting to sound concerned. "Emily spent most of the night here with Katie last night but she wouldn't really say anything."

"It's just...marriage stuff, I suppose. Emily and I are going through a rough patch," I said, sighing and rolling my eyes though I knew Effy couldn't see me. "Actually, it's a bit more than a rough patch."

"Oh?" Effy said in that way only Effy can turn the word 'oh' into a thousand word question.

"We went to couple's therapy on Tuesday and we were going to have therapy dinner. Emily agreed and then showed up five hours late. We haven't spoken since. She didn't explain why she was late and I didn't ask," I said quietly. I felt both angry when I thought about the way Emily treated me that night, but hurt and scared when I briefly wondered whether this was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

Effy hummed for a moment. "Yeah. Maybe it's best that you don't come on Tuesday then."

I frowned at Effy's comment and decided that I couldn't even bother to be angry at her for being so insensitive and unconcerned for my marriage. I hung up on her and went back to pick up my duster and continued cleaning.

About fifteen minutes later, there was a loud knock on the door. I decided to just give up on cleaning and went to open the door.

"Hey, Naomikins," Cook said, walking straight into the apartment carrying a rather large duffel bag. "How are things?"

"Pretty shit," I replied as I put away the few cleaning supplies I had managed to find and stared quizzically at the duffel bag. "How are things with you?"

Cook shrugged and walked into the master bedroom and started going through my clothes and putting some of them in the duffel bag. I followed him in and sat in the armchair by my side of the bed, watching him as he tried to neatly fold up my underwear and bras and put them in a duffel bag.

"I'd ask you what you were doing if this wasn't so amusing," I said, smiling for the first time in days as I watched Cook try to fold a bra.

"I want you to come to Glasgow with me," Cook said as he stopped putting clothes in the duffel bag and looked up at me with a frown on his face. "It's the first time I'm going to see Paddy since they moved there the other day, and he's been really upset. I know he misses you and he wants to see you again. And I need you there, Naomi. I need you to be my rock."

I nodded and walked over to Cook, grabbing hold of his arm and snuggling into his side. "Okay, Cook."

I went to my closet as Cook sat down on the bed next to the duffel bag we were apparently sharing. I picked out a few warmer things since Scotland was usually freezing and put them in the bag before changing into a warmer jumper. I knew that going to Scotland wasn't the best thing for Emily and I right now, but I needed to be there for Cook. To be honest, I wanted to go. I hadn't seen Paddy in a long time and I missed the little guy. I wanted to be there for Cook, I wanted to be the person he turned to when he needed help. I grabbed my toiletries and tossed them in the bag and smiled at Cook.

"Thank you, Naomi," Cook said as I zipped up the duffel bag and handed it to him. "But we really have to go. The train leaves in 10 minutes."

Cook heaved the duffel bag onto his shoulder and pushed me out of the apartment. I locked the door behind us, not bothered with leaving Emily a note to explain where I was going. There was a taxi parked outside my apartment building and Cook and I hopped in.

"So what's really going on with you and Emily?" Cook asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know. We aren't speaking."

"You scared?" Cook asked quietly. I looked down at my hands and shrugged again, but nodded slightly.

"I feel really confused," I whispered, voicing the feelings I'd been trying to deny for days now. I didn't know how to feel about anything. I felt angry at Emily and hurt because of her actions. I felt jealous of Effy and Katie and their perfect relationship and their perfect pregnancy. I felt calm and comforted when I was around Cook. He made me feel warm and happy.

That was the scariest feeling that I'd been trying to deny for days, possibly even weeks. I remembered learning the difference between good feelings and bad feelings in primary school – was that feeling a warm fuzzy or a cold prickly? A warm fuzzy was obviously a good feeling, a feeling that made you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside. A cold prickly was a bad feeling, a feeling that made you feel cold and neglected and like tears were prickling at your eyes.

Emily was starting to give me cold prickly feelings and Cook was starting to give me warm fuzzy feelings. Emily made my heart hurt when I looked at her. I wanted to cry and kiss her and hold her and tell her that she would always be mine and that I'd never let her go. But that was hard. And Cook was easy. I didn't know whether relationships were supposed to be that much hard work and hurt feelings or whether they were supposed to be natural and easy. I loved Emily with every part of me. But I was getting tired of fighting her walls. I finally thought we were past it all and could move forward...start a family together and build a real life together. But as quickly as I thought her walls came down, they went back up again and I felt like I lost the woman I married.

"Why are you confused, Naoms?" Cook questioned, grabbing my hand and squeezing gently.

"I love my wife," I mumbled. I wasn't completely sure why I said it. Maybe it was to remind myself of how much I loved Emily, how amazing and perfect she was, and how much I didn't love Cook in that way. "But I think my marriage is falling apart."

Cook nodded and kissed my cheek and hugged me and we sat in silence for the rest of the ride to the train station.

"I'm scared for you, too, Naoms," Cook said as we got out of the taxi. "You deserve to be happy."

Cook paid for our train tickets even though I tried to pay for them myself. I knew the tickets were going to be ridiculously expensive, but Cook insisted on paying for the tickets himself. We got on the train with seconds to spare before it pulled away from the station. The train ride was going to be about seven hours long, and I planned on sleeping for at least six of those hours. I took my cell phone out of my handbag and put it in my pocket so I would be able to feel it vibrate in case I got a text or call. I pulled my jumper tightly around me, snuggled into Cook's side and fell asleep.

About three hours into the journey, when we were ten minutes away from Manchester, my phone rang. I was half-awake and groggy.

"Hello?" I mumbled as I pushed myself off Cook's shoulder.

"Naomi, where the hell are you?" Katie yelled.

"Um, ten minutes away from Manchester. I'm headed to Glasgow with Cook to visit his family. What's going on?" I rubbed my eyes and started to wake up properly.

"You didn't tell anyone where you were going, not a message, no note, nothing!" Katie yelled. I frowned. It wasn't like Katie to get so worked up about something like me disappearing. Usually she barely bothered to ask if I was alright. She sounded frazzled and worried, but also relieved to have finally got hold of me.

"Katie, what the fuck is going on?"

I heard Katie sigh. "It's Emily. She's a mess right now. I'm at the flat with her and I think she really needs you here."

"What do you mean? How is she a mess?" I asked, already gathering as many of my things as I could from the duffel bag and shoving them into my handbag. Cook was looking at me quizzically and I mouthed 'Emily' to him and he nodded.

"I don't know, she's been having a panic attack for almost two hours now. I can't really understand what she's been saying, but I've heard 'John' and 'doctor'. She needs you now, Naomi, get home as quickly as you can."

And with those last words, Katie hung up on me. I felt like a complete failure. My wife needed me and I wasn't there. I knew she'd been hiding something from me for the past few weeks, and I knew it had something to do with her rape, but instead of dealing with it I chose to ignore her and get mad at her for being late to dinner.

"I'm sorry, Cook, I have to go, Emily's in a right state and I'm fucking three hours away by train," I said, tears welling up in my eyes as I imagined how horrible and alone Emily must be feeling right now.

"Go, Naomi, I understand. Emily comes first," Cook said as he helped me unpack my things and handed them to me. I was thankful I carried such large handbags as we managed to make everything fit just in time for me to get off the train at Manchester. I bought another train ticket to head back to Bristol.

I waited tensely at the platform for the train to Bristol that was due to arrive in 30 minutes. I was almost in tears and was convinced I'd never felt so guilty in my entire life. The train journey itself was completely agonizing. Three hours of wishing I'd never left Bristol and wanting to be by Emily's side and crying because I'd failed my wife in so many ways.

When I finally made it back to the flat it was almost 9 o'clock at night. I opened the door and dropped my things, walking through each room of the flat searching for Emily and Katie. I found them in the extra bedroom, what was supposed to be the nursery, lying on the floor. Katie had her arms wrapped around Emily and held her tightly. Emily's breath was ragged with left-over tears and her face was blotchy. Her eyes were red and her nose was runny. As soon as she saw me she let go of her sister and held her arms out to me. I started to cry as I bent down towards her, ignoring the dirty looks Katie was giving me. I pulled Emily up so she was sitting and I sat in front of her. I pulled her into my lap and wrapped my arms around her tightly, smoothing her hair as she started crying into my shoulder. I barely even heard Katie leave the room.

"I love you," She whispered, reaching for my left hand and grabbing my engagement and wedding ring. "I'm so sorry."

"I love you, too," I whispered, kissing her neck gently. "I'm sorry."

Emily started to cry a bit harder and I hushed her and asked her to tell me the truth.

"John's been let out of prison for good behaviour," Emily whispered. She started sobbing and grabbed onto my shirt, trying to pull me even closer towards her. There wasn't a centimetre between us. "I went to the doctor and she said there's too much scar tissue in my uterus from the abortion for me to ever get pregnant again."

Tears flowed down my face as I listened to Emily's sobs and felt her tears soak through my shirt. John Foster had left Emily scarred in so many ways, but this had to have been the worst. Even though Emily said she didn't want to be the carrier of our children, I knew this was completely different. Now Emily didn't even have the option to be our children's birth mother. Her rapist had taken away so many of the choices Emily was supposed to make in her life. The fact that he'd been let out five years early due to good behaviour made me completely sick. But I knew that most countries were fairly lax about punishment of rapists. Even though John was a serial rapist, it didn't make any difference. The man was sick and disgusting and the justice system had let down every single one of his victims.

"I'll love you forever, Em," I whispered. "In sickness and in health, remember?"

Emily nodded against my shoulder. "Love you forever, Naoms."

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