I told him to play so that everyone would get the hell out of the house. And while that was definitely a major concern, it was more than that. I told him to play because I knew how much he needed it. And because I had so missed hearing him make music.
I just never thought he'd play that song. Our song.
I hear the first few notes from inside and I think I'm imagining it. I make my way to the backyard and I realize I'm not.
He sees me after a few seconds and then quickly averts his gaze, launching into the next verse of the song. I've never heard this verse. Outlaws, until right now, was unfinished, the same way Brandon and I were.
He glances over again, for longer this time and our eyes lock. I'm relieved when he turns back to the keyboard because I'm pretty sure that its written all over my face that I still love him, that I always have, that I probably always will. And that's not what he needs to see because falling in love with me almost broke him.
Wyatt appears and I lean into him because hearing Brandon sing our song has made me literally weak in the knees. He doesn't realize that. He was the first one to call me out on how I felt about Brandon but its like he refuses to see it anymore. I'm going to end up breaking him too.
Brandon finishes the song and immediately launches into another one. I give Wyatt a clean-up task and head to my room for a few minutes to catch my breath. The quiet corner of my room is the only place in this house where I don't have to hide my feelings.
I flop down on my bed and think of the first time he serenaded me with Outlaws. How I had never felt more loved by anyone than I did in that moment. How we probably would have went all the way right there on Daphne's floor if we had more time. How hearing him sing to me had made me, a girl who lived minute to minute, imagine the future- a future where he wrote me more songs, where he serenaded me at our wedding, where he sang our babies to sleep.
And then I remember when I sang our song to him. In the hospital after Vico beat him up. Stef was dealing with insurance stuff, Lena had went to school to check on things and Mike was talking to the DA and police chief so I had him to myself for a few precious minutes. He was sedated on pain meds and sleeping. Seeing him so broken, I could literally feel my heart breaking. I started to sob and then stopped myself out of fear that he could hear it on some level. I tried to find the right words but I found myself whispering,
I think we might be outlaws.
I think I might be in love.
Cause I'm all out of reasons,
like seasons,
Winter, summer, fall
they're all washed up.
If you're still way over there,
maybe slide on in by my side,
cause I'm just an outlaw,
wanted if you want me.
I'll love you everyday and every night
And then I was crying again telling him over and over that I was sorry and that I loved him. I kissed his forehead, his eyelashes, his nose, his bruised cheek, the spot on his neck that I knew drove him crazy, each perfect finger on his uninjured hand and finally his other hand that was all wrapped up in bandages. He didn't so much as stir, which I suppose was fortunate. If he had woken up, I don't think I could have denied him anything. I heard Mariana telling me that Stef will be back in a minute. I'm still not sure what she saw or heard- she's never brought it up. It's like she knows its too much for me to talk about.
My memory is interrupted by Wyatt knocking on my door and I head back downstairs with him to clean up.
Brandon comes over and apologizes that I had to be the responsible one all night. I tell him honestly that it was worth it to hear him play again. He brings up "Outlaws," calls it "ours." I tell him how its good, how much everyone loved it, how the band could really be something. And then I wait for what comes next, what always comes next with Brandon- he'll move in closer to me, his voice will get lower, sexier, his eyes will force me to meet his gaze, he'll touch my hair or my hand.
And I realize that after months of telling him no and pushing him away, tonight I won't. The moms are gone, everyone else is preoccupied with their own drama, I'll send Wyatt home. The rest of it, the complicated part, we can deal with later. Tonight, I just want him to sing to me, want to hold him, want to lose myself in him. I deserve it after the night I had playing bathroom monitor. And god knows, he deserves some happiness.
But he doesn't lower his voice, or lean in, or touch my hair. He thanks me for being such a good...sister. He pauses before saying sister and the word hangs in the air and I just want to erase it but its already out there. This is exactly what I've told him I wanted, how things needed to be- for us to be brother and sister. After months of wishing he could accept that, he's finally starting to. I should be thankful, I should be happy. And yet, I feel like he's just punched me in the stomach.
Laying in bed that night, I remember telling him that not being together would hurt until it didn't anymore. Tonight, I realize that that day will never come.