Wow, guys these reviews! Omw!
He needed her. Wanted her. Craved her. She brought light into his world where there had only been darkness and as corny as it sounded she completed him. When he had kissed her after she had found him in the servants hall when his mother died it had been out of pure selfishness. He needed to know that someone who cared about him (because he knew she did care, why else would she persist in nagging him over every little thing?) and needed him lived on. He needed to feel her warm body in his arms, hear her breath, see the life in her eyes. He had never intended for it to go that far but he had lost his mind in grief and lust and she had seemed more than willing. He knew the next day that he ought to apologize for his behavior but she had avoided him and continued with her life. Before long it had become something that had happened months ago so there was really no point in bringing it up. But he beat himself up about it constantly. She deserved to be courted, loved and cherished not used and pushed back into the sidelines. Charles was torn in two, he wanted to go back and undo that night but he also never wanted to forget it.
Until a few years later after they had both been promoted when she had rushed into his pantry with tears streaming down her face mumbling something about a woman called Penny. He hadn't known what to do. It scared him to see her so scared and upset. She was the strength of the household who ruled with an iron rod but was still caring and loving to those who needed her to be. Yet here she was, sobbing and looking like a small child who had had a nightmare. So Charles did what she had done for him and had pulled her into a protective hug and let her cry it out on his shoulder (completely ruining his shirt he might add). When she pulled away mumbling an apology he could see the shutters going down and the walls going back up. He knew she allowed him to see a side to her that no one else ever had, the side that was vulnerable and scared. The side that needed comfort and love. He knew she was feeling the same way he had a few years back. Somehow his body knew what she needed even if his mind did not so he pulled her close and kissed her. The next thing he knew they were both lying breathless but sated on the floor. By the next morning both their walls had gone back up and they returned to 'Carson' and 'Mrs Hughes' but Charles knew that everything had changed.
He was starting to notice her more, in ways that he never had before. He would catch himself staring at her or his eyes would follow her out of the room. He noticed the little things, like how her eyes would narrow when she suspected something was amiss, how she bit her lip when something was worrying her and how she would smile slightly when something pleased her.
When Joe Burns had come back into her life he was terrified that he was going to lose his best friend, his confidant and his occasional lover. It took all his strength to resist from pulling her into his arms and begging her to stay. But he couldn't. He had no claim on her. What right did he have to stop her finding love and happiness because of a selfish need to keep her with him? But in the end she had decided to stay. Her only explanation was that she'd changed. Was it something more? Could it be that she would miss him too? Or was it because of her actions in the past? Charles had no doubt that she had been raised to believe that what they'd done was a sin and that she would burn in hell for all eternity. Had she turned him down because she wouldn't be pure? What if all this time she'd been hating herself for what had happened? The thought just made Charles hate himself even more.
These mad moments occurred again and again over the years, in both sad and happy times. Once they had happened they were never mentioned again and each time Charles was left hating himself for what he had done to this beautiful woman. Because she was beautiful, inside and out. Once some impertinent footman had told her so and she had scoffed and rolled her eyes. She never noticed the looks she would get when she went into the village, or even from one or two guests that arrived at the Abbey. She deserved better. She deserved to be treated like a lady.
Then the cancer had come. She had tried so hard to hide it, but the second she and Beryl had walked through the door after going to the doctor he knew something was wrong. The spring in her step had gone and she looked tired. He could tell she'd been crying by her red rimmed eyes. She looked well and truly beaten. He knew it was something serious when she started avoiding him and the whispers between her and Beryl stopped the minute he came into the room. He had to choice but to trick the Doctor and Beryl into telling him. He was terrified, more so than he'd ever been with Joe Burns. Another man you could fight with for her affections but an illness would render him helpless. If he was scared what was she? Did she truly believe she was going to die and burn? It broke his heart to see her giving up and it broke even more when she blocked him out. Still he had tried to make life as easy as possible for her in his own quiet way.
But the tables turned again and he found himself singing with joy while he polished the silver. She was going to be fine. She was going to be by his side for a long while yet. The woman he loved was going to continue being his strength. Because he did love her. Whole heartedly. But he would never tell her. She deserved so much better.
Please let me know what you think!