Everyone was gathered around the fire. Most people were laughing at the latest story. Some were trying to tell the next story, some were sitting happily just listening. It had been Sawyer's idea. He'd been worried about what would happen if he told anyone who had hurt him here. Sayid gazed around the group gathered here.
Locke was here and Sayid still wanted to make him suffer. The only thing keeping him from doing anything was Sawyer. Sawyer had agreed to see if they could make something work between them if he would agree not to do anything to Locke. In the end Sayid had only agreed with the stipulation that Locke never did anything else to Sawyer again. If he did then he would be fair game.
After the night when everything had been discovered, Sawyer had been moody and hard to talk to. Not that he'd been all that easy to talk to before. After almost a week Sawyer approached him with the idea. It started with gathering everyone who knew about what had taken place and explaining the events that had happened better. After that, the five of them, Claire, Charlie, Kate, Sawyer and Sayid had continued meeting in the evenings.
During one meeting Boone had shown up and demanded to know what they were doing. They told him they were just talking. A way to pass the time. It had been uncomfortable at first, but pretty soon Boone was coming over every night as well. They didn't talk about anything in particular now. Mainly they just talked about themselves, things they had done, things they wished they had done.
When Hurley had shown and there wasn't enough room in the tent, it had been Sawyer who had suggested moving their group to the signal fire. Pretty soon most of the camp began dropping by. Sometimes there were so many conversations it was hard to get a word into any of them. Sometimes everyone would just sit enjoying the company of the others. It was helping everyone get to know each other better.
*Sawyer*
Walking over to Sayid, Sawyer wondered if he was really ready for this. Even if he wasn't he had to try. Now was the perfect opportunity. Everyone was sitting around the fire talking. They would probably stay preoccupied for a few more hours. No one would miss them all that much right now. Besides, he wanted to try this when things were going well and not wait until something bad happened again.
Sawyer watched Sayid watching the crowd. Sawyer was amazed that everyone had taken to the idea. After Boone and Hurley had joined the group they'd had to move the gatherings to the signal fire. More people started showing up and soon it became a nightly ritual. They gathered sometime close to dusk and stayed as long as they wanted talking to each other. Most of the time neither he nor Sayid had much to add to the gatherings. He walked over to Sayid and whispered to him.
*Sayid*
Sayid stared at Sawyer and raised one eyebrow. Sawyer smiled and walked off towards Sayid's tent. He left the man to follow or not. It was now or never. He wasn't sure he could find the courage to do this again. When he entered Sayid's tent he sat on the blanket and waited. He tried to keep himself from thinking about the past. It was a hard thing to do.
Sayid checked to make sure no one would notice him leave. As soon as he was sure he left. Walking towards his tent wondering what Sawyer was up to. They usually ended up together after the gatherings. They were working on trust slowly. They started by sleeping next to each other. At first Sawyer hadn't been able to sleep with Sayid next to him so they made the bed bigger to give Sawyer more space. Soon
Sawyer couldn't sleep if Sayid wasn't next to him, holding him.
Sayid walked into his tent and looked at Sawyer. Once again he was struck by how beautiful he was. Mine, the possessive part of him whispered. Sayid smiled again, yes, he thought to himself. Sawyer was his and he was going to do everything he could to help his love. Sayid walked over and sat next to Sawyer.
He had just opened his mouth to say something but before he could get the words out Sawyer's lips were pressed to his. Whatever he was going to say fled, for a minute there was only him and Sawyer. When Sawyer finally broke the kiss and leaned back, Sayid still couldn't move. God he loved how Sawyer tasted. Sayid gathered his senses back and tried to speak again. Sawyer cut him off.
"No words. Just take me. Please, just do it."
"Are you really ready for this?"
"Yes. Now. Just do it, please."
As soon as Sayid started taking off his own clothes, Sawyer started to as well. When they were both naked Sawyer laid down on the blankets on his stomach. Sayid took time to commit this image to his memory. Sawyer was beautiful. When Sayid grabbed Sawyer's shoulder and started to turn him over, he saw a confused look on the blonde's face. Sayid paused and nuzzled Sawyer's neck.
"Would you like to tell me why now?"
"No."
"Tough."
"Mmm... No words. Just take me. I need you, please. Talk after."
"Promise me." Sayid insisted.
"Mmm... Promise... Later."
Sayid gently grabbed Sawyer's shoulders again and turned him over until Sawyer was laying on his back. He ignored the questioning look on Sawyer's face and set about memorizing every detail. They'd slept next to each other for a while now. Still, in all that time Sawyer hadn't been comfortable enough to be completely naked. Sayid didn't mind, he knew it would take a while to get past the demons that haunted him.
Sayid watched as Sawyer's hands moved. Sawyer seemed torn between raising his hands to cover himself and not moving at all. Sayid watched him struggle for a while before he carefully grabbed Sawyer's wrists and held Sawyer's arms still by his sides. Sawyer looked decidedly uncomfortable.
Sayid carefully slid down against Sawyer's body and nuzzled his neck again. Sawyer shivered underneath. Sayid trailed soft kisses from Sawyer's neck, up the back of his ear, and across his cheek to his mouth. He moved his hands up Sawyer's arms slowly. He loved the way Sawyer felt underneath him. Loved the small shivers he felt. Loved knowing he was causing them. Sawyer had enough bad experiences with this before. He intended to make this a good experience for Sawyer.
*Sawyer*
Sawyer lay snuggled against Sayid's left side when it was over. Sayid ran his hands through Sawyer's hair. Sawyer had his head on Sayid's shoulder. He looked so amazing laying there that Sayid couldn't help staring. He wished they could lie like that forever. Wished the world would pass them by and never interrupt this moment. Sawyer looked the most contented he had since Sayid had met him.
"Thank you," Sawyer murmured into Sayid's shoulder.
"Would you like to tell me why you wanted to do this now?"
"Not really."
"Sawyer."
Sawyer shifted and turned so that he was facing Sayid. Sawyer raised a hand and trailed his fingers from Sayid's temple, down his cheek and across the bottom edge of his chin. After Sawyer put his arm back down he snuggled back into Sayid.
"I suppose we have to talk now."
"I would appreciate it."
Sawyer sighed. "Because I could."
"Could what?"
"Because I was the least scared of this I've ever been. Because I wanted to prove to myself you wouldn't hurt me. Because I felt bad you had to wait this long. Because I knew everyone would be too busy to notice we weren't there. Mainly just because I could do this right now. You know what I mean?"
"Yes Sawyer." Sayid smiled. "Did it help you realize I won't hurt you?"
"Yes. I mean, part of me knew it. It's just some part was still scared."
"I understand."
"Sleep now?"
"If you like."
"Mmm, sleep."
Sayid laughed. "Sleep well, my love."
*Later / Sayid*
Sayid's eye's opened instantly. The first thing he noticed was the absence of Sawyer's body next to his own. Sayid turned his head trying to find Sawyer. Sawyer was at the far edge of the blankets curled into a ball and shaking. Sayid edged near Sawyer and reached a hand out.
Sawyer jerked away from the touch and started to whimper. Sayid sighed. He hated it when Sayer had these dreams.
Carefully Sayid place an arm over Sawyer's body. Sawyer started to struggle and tried to shove the arm off but couldn't because he was pinned. Sayid held Sawyer firmly and tried to keep him from moving. Sometimes Sawyer struck out in his sleep. One time he'd gotten in a few good hits at Sayid. Sayid shrugged them off but it hadn't been a pleasant experience for either of them.
Still holding Sawyer, Sayid whispered to him. It wasn't anything specific. It didn't have to be. Sawyer never remembered anything except the nightmares. Sayid asked him about them every time Sawyer had one, but Sawyer wouldn't talk about them. Sayid didn't push him to talk about them. They would just lay there together. In time, Sawyer would either fall back asleep, or they would lay together until the sun came up.
After a while the struggling stopped and Sawyer's eyes flew open. Sayid watched him until he was sure Sawyer was awake. As soon as he was sure Sawyer knew where he was and that he was safe, Sayid released him. Sayid moved to give Sawyer some space. For a while Sawyer didn't move. Finally Sawyer turned and faced him.
"Sayid."
"I am here."
Sawyer didn't say anything else but Sayid wasn't worried. Sawyer had told him that sometimes, after a nightmare, he just needed to hear Sayid. It helped push back whatever demons were left and let him know he really was safe. It wasn't too long before Sayid felt Sawyer snuggle into him. After a brief moment Sawyer reached out and pulled Sayid's arm over himself.
After a nightmare there were times when Sawyer didn't want to be touched and times when he needed it. It was best if he let Sawyer initiate contact after he had a nightmare. That way no mistakes would be made. He nuzzled the back of Sawyer's neck and kissed it.
"I am here. It's okay."
"Sayid?"
"Yes Sawyer?"
"I'm sorry about all this."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. It's not your fault."
"I feel like it is."
"Don't blame yourself for what others have done to you."
"I can't help it sometimes."
"I know."
"Sorry."
"You have nothing to be sorry for Sawyer. Would you like to talk about this one?"
At first there was no response, then Sawyer slowly removed Sayid's arm. Sawyer moved away and turned to face Sayid.
"I... I don't know."
"You don't have to if you don't feel comfortable."
"I just don't want you to be mad."
"Why would I be mad?"
"Promise me you won't hurt me."
"You know I won't. Sawyer, what's wrong?"
"Just promise me again, please."
"I promise you I will not hurt you, nor will I let anyone else."
Sawyer still seemed hesitant to talk about it.
"I promise you I will never hurt you on purpose no matter what. Especially not because of anything you dreamed about."
"I dreamed about you." Sawyer stated quietly.
"About me?"
"Yea. About the night when everything happened."
Sayid was silent. He knew the night Sawyer was talking about. He also knew what he'd done that night. He had a good idea about what had
happened in Sawyer's nightmare.
"I know you won't hurt me," Sawyer said quickly. "It's just that it's still kind of hard to accept."
"I understand Sawyer."
"In the dream things were different. In the dream you didn't stop when you did. You kept hurting me and I couldn't stop you. I begged and begged for you to stop, but you wouldn't. You just kept hurting me." Sawyer looked away.
"Sawyer-"
"I know it was a dream, I'm not saying you'd do that. Please don't be mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you Sawyer. You're used to being hurt. Some part of you is still scared I might hurt you like everyone else. It's okay to be scared. Trust is not something that happens over night."
"I do trust you. You have to know that, right?"
"That does not mean you can't be scared."
"I don't want to be scared any more Sayid."
Sayid stared at Sawyer. There was less than three feet separating them. So close and yet so far away. I'd give anything to spare him even one of these nightmares.
"I feel like I'm fucking up everything. I feel like it's all my fault some how. I..." Sawyer's words trailed off in the darkness.
"Sawyer, what is it you need?"
"I don't know. Would you just hold me?"
"Of course."